Dear Marco and Giuseppe,
I write you this letter because I need to tell you how important you are in my son’s and my family’s lives.
Sometime one has to sit, face a piece of paper, and let words flow. Writing a letter demands time and time allows to overcome trivialities, dig deeper, and leave behind a genuine but shallow “Thank you”. In this short piece I want to thank you as best as I can. You deserve the same attention and dedication you reserve for my sweet and complex child.
For over two years you have been part of my son’s life and you transformed it, made it better and less difficult. It was not easy to approach his issues, not to give in to mistrust, it was not easy to face his negative reputation and the intolerance surrounding him. My son and school, a neverending fight he always lost, ending with labels and disappointment. The difficult child, the violent one, disruptive, impossible to manage. You went beyond the labels to take care of the “character”, the child. That’s what this is all about, meeting the struggles and the issues of a child.
A child who lived for over five years without the love of a family, who had to take care of himself without really knowing how, who was deprived of most things every child should be entitled to. A father, a mother, a sister, a family, a future.
How could one ignore all that pain? How could one not understand it?
That restless, distraught child who cannot sit still in class, who does not learn, who lives in his own explosive dimension.
The different child, the dangerous child, a threat for school dynamics. No one dare break that toy! No one dare demand anything from the school system!
When we speak of “inclusive education”, in truth we find empty solace. The school system is not always capable of including everyone, of helping children who struggle and end up left behind. The celebrated “guidelines” [for inclusive education, ed.] and all the projects become empty policies on paper with no dimension or opportunities for development. Projects are stuck in fail, ignorance, lack of resources, incompetence or, worse, they are ill-managed. And so the difficult child gets eaten by the same system that should protect him. He slowly turns into an enemy of the system and feels like one.
As it often happens to adopted children, my son too had to endure exclusion to the point of being forced to leave his school. Too troubled to allow other children to grow and get their education. Too complex to be “solved” by teachers. He had to escape to stop feeling like a victim and like the problem at the same time. The only bull in a shop full of “china children”.
No one saw that the most fragile of all was that bull.
Years have gone by, we faced challenges before meeting you. When everything seemed lost, you appeared. The thin one and… the less thin. Men, teachers, professional, and wonderful people. Right away you have resolved to value the beautiful before facing the ugly. The ugly wasn’t hard to find.
You have decided to pick up the pieces and build back. You haven’t done it alone, you asked for his help. With the patience and the tenacity of those who know other people’s pain and commit to carry some.
You got him involved, you showed him that even the tiny pieces that have fallen far away can be found and recovered. That nothing is truly lost. You have learned to never give up and taught him the same. One step onwards and sometime two steps backwards. Sometime one backwards and three onwards. Without stopping. Like a complex and beautiful dance, a dance that goes on to the day. Every day, surrounded by the walls of a classroom that felt hostile at first, you have build a relationship based on support and protection, on trust and perspective. You have built his future.
You have achieved what Pennac describes at the end of one of his books. You have picked up that swallow that kept hitting the window glass and you have helped it fly away.
You never gave in to the comfortable evidence, you chose to believe and support its flight.
Because that child is not a bull and even if he was, he would have big wings. And you know it… you have always known.
Thank you.
Fabio.

The post A Bull In A China Shop – A Powerful Testimony Of A Father’s Love appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

“In many countries where children were given up for adoption, the social and economic situation as well as child protection [services] have improved, so there’s less need for international adoptions” 

Kristiina Mattinen, regional director of Save the Children Finland.

…aaand that was the coffee-spitting moment for me. I don’t accept this explanation and this is why.

For the casual reader that has dropped here from a Facebook share or a Google search, few words of introduction. I’m an Italian immigrant living in Finland and few years ago I adopted my youngest child from India through the Finnish system. The Finnish adoption system is very different from, say, the US one. While US has an “adoption-as-a-business” model, with about 3000 adoption agencies competing against each other, the Finnish one jumps on the opposite end of the spectrum and goes full-mode monopoly. Now, if you held me at gunpoint, I would choose the Finnish way. It’s definitely more respectful of the principles which, at least on paper, should govern all adoptions worldwide, that is “the best interest of the child“.

However, I refuse to digest the statement above. Currently, there are three adoption agencies serving families in Finland. One is about to close down and for years has not been accepting new applicants. Agencies have split countries they work with, which means competition is utterly non-existent. Agencies also work with a very limited number of children’s homes in every country. This is not a bad thing per se: they do so because they have strong standards and policies their partners have to comply to. Agency staff regularly travels to visit the structures and control for risks like child trafficking or neglect. These children’s homes potentially work with other countries as well. Not all children in a home are eligible for international adoption. Now, back to the Finnish side. A prospect adoptive family cannot adopt any child: Finnish and international law, as well as the family’s preferences, restrict the possibilities quite a lot. For example the age of the parents or the ages of other children in the family pose plenty of restrictions on the child you can adopt.

To recap, you start from a very limited set of possibilities, filter over and over and guess what: you are left with an empty set. Because of this system, prospect adopters are left with long waits, several years. A practical example: if you decide to adopt from South Africa, you are required to wait for two years just on the Finnish side. Two years before you can even send your documentation there. Then there’s the real wait on the South Africa’s side.

The emotional toll of international adoption in Finland is terrible and frankly, needless. I’m sorry but I do not accept that explanation under this conditions. If we want to have a real conversation about this, let’s start from publicly discussing why Valvira does not even have a process to allow opening new adoption agencies or why there’s an interest in keeping this monopoly situation at the expenses of hopeful families. I’m willing to have a conversation. But don’t feed me that.

Edit 8.8.2019 h 10.20
– I was informed that the article is a cut version of this (in Finnish) that lists more reasons for the plummeting. That’s relieving;
– I never doubted that the reason quoted above is true. I know it is and the drop is a worldwide phenomenon due to various factors (fertility treatments more popular, some countries closed adoptions, better global conditions, etc.). I simply don’t believe the statement above is so relevant in the context of adoptions in Finland, given how restrictive regulations and processes are;
– I stand 100% by my statement that currently the adoption process is needlessly stressful and demanding. 18 months to draft and approve a home study are simply too long (it’s 3-6 months in US, for comparison). Resources of the agencies are too limited. A review of processes would be most welcome.
– I don’t doubt anyone’s intentions. Not calling out any conspiracy, just praying for questioning processes and for improving what doesn’t work so well. From my perspective, there are too many silos.

The post International Adoptions In Finland Dropped: This Is Really Why appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My husband and I were born and raised in Italy, then moved to Finland several years ago. We have a daughter through birth and a couple of years ago our son joined the family through international adoption from India. You can read our full adoption story here and a summary of how the adoption process works in Finland here and here.

I received so many interesting questions! I will surely repeat this initiative in the future. You are also welcome to forward any question you have through my contact form. I have answered to the best of my knowledge. Here’s what you asked me.

How long is the adoption process?

The length of the adoption process varies depends on where you live, where you adopt from, if you adopt domestically or internationally. Plus, there’s always a degree of uncertainty.
Here in Finland, the counselling phase is common to both domestic and international adoptions and lasts about a year. After that, it varies greatly, from months to years. I think 5 years overall is a credible expectation.

How long was your process, from applying to seeing your beautiful son?

We were lucky, as our whole process lasted exactly 3 years. Ironically, counselling and permit issuing by the Finnish authorities was the longest part. We sent our documentation to India in March 2016 and got matched already in August 2016! Our agency said they never witnessed such a quick process. A consistent portion of bureaucracy on the Indian side takes place only after the match, so we had to wait until February 2017 before we were able to travel and meet our son E. The longest months of my life!

How old was your daughter when you decided to adopt?

Our daughter R was exactly one year old when I made the first phone call to social services and asked to start counselling (literally, the next day after her birthday!). My husband and I had made a decision few months earlier but the municipality forbid us to start before she had turned one.

We are also expats living in Finland but will be most likely moving away within 2 years time. Do you think we have a chance in the adoption process? We already have 1 child.

Impossible is a strong word, but I’d say it’s extremely unlikely to succeed in a situation like this. While adoption counselling is free, you will be requested many documents which, as foreigners, you’ll be required to officially translate at your own expenses. It will be time- and money-consuming. The counselling and the application for the adoption license will last over a year, then it’s extremely hard for an international adoption to carry out in less than a year. You would surely lose hundreds or thousands of euros. Beside that, expecting to move away in a short time may have a negative impact on your application for the adoption license. Personally, I would recommend to start an adoption process in your new country of residence or change your plans for a move. Sorry if my answer is discouraging, but that’s my honest advice.

Can I adopt my sister’s daughter? What is the procedure?

I am not familiar with Finnish laws regulating such a situation and if the child lives in another country than you, there may be additional legal obstacles. I would recommend to contact your local social services or ask for legal advice. Sorry I cannot help much.

Did you have to go to India to adopt the child?

The adoption process took place entirely in Finland, with the agency Interpedia acting as an intermediary. We travelled to India to meet and pick up our son, months after we were matched with him. Adopting from India requires at least a trip, sometime a couple if the judge ruling on the adoption requests the parents’ presence.
Other countries have different requirements. For example, Kenya demands that adoptive parents move there for several months.

How does it work with not being Finnish or even EU? In my home country both must be a citizen to adopt but it couldn’t find information about how it is here.

Requirements for EU or non-EU citizens are the same in the Finnish system, that is, foreign adoption applicants need to have habitual residence in Finland. I could not find out what that exactly means in Finland. I recommend to contact your local social services to see if you qualify for counselling.

Have you experienced some sort of pity from friends, family or someone? Have you had to justify your choice of adopting to anyone (but the social worker)? My husband and I are in the process of adopting and I feel like I have to share my life story every time someone finds out about it. I feel like people don’t believe me when I say this is my number one ‘plan’. They keep suggesting fertility treatments and ‘just relaxing’, and raise their eyebrows when I say my husband feels the same way I do. I guess my question is: will this end once the child is here? Do I still have to listen to the opinions of others about how ‘a biological child would have been a better option for us.’

It must be painful and discouraging to feel that your immediate friends and family do not support your choice. There are many layers to your question and I feel you could benefit from a heart-to-heart discussion more than a Q&A. Here’s my two cents:

• you don’t own explanations to anyone. Even family members. Your reasons and your story are yours only and you have a right to treasure them. This is training for you and your husband to when the child will come home, since unfortunately you will be met with inappropriate questions about her history or special needs. As parents, you will become guardians to her story and whatever you learn now in terms of fending off questions will come handy later. There are several ways to deny answers or dodge questions politely.
• Find people who truly support you. Friends and family can disappoint us. It may have to do with many factors. Maybe they expected something else for us (but it’s their problem, not yours). Maybe they have heard adoption or adoptive parenting is hard, they are worried for our well-being but express it in the wrong way. Or maybe they simply don’t understand it or lack empathy. I have heard multiple stories of family members coming around when the child came home and even growing to be the best advocates for her and for adoption. My general advice is to find people and communities that truly support you during each phase, and have patience and hope that the people who matter to you will grow out of their own fears or ignorance to come and help.
• Adoption is a complex journey. Adoption and adoptive parenting, in my own experience and hear-say, will bring as many challenges as beautiful changes to your life. It’s not uncommon to lose people who don’t support your choices along the way. It’s a terribly lonely journey at times or, more accurately, your expectations about who supports you will be refactored. For example, few friends may really understand the challenges of the adoption process or of adoptive parenting. They may shut down your worries with “this is just how children are” while you know this is how effects of childhood trauma are. Or your parents will struggle to understand their grandchild have attachment issues. Adoption is not simply having a child. Work hard to keep your expectations low and your resilience up!

I hope this helps, feel free to reach out if I can help more.

[translated from FIN] How much does the international adoption process cost? What monetary costs should I expect?

Excellent question, one which is rarely discussed because people are afraid to put a price tag on their children. Adoption counselling is free, but it requires a time investment and, if you are an immigrant like myself, translations costs. You will be required to meet a social worker about 10 times over a year, which means time off work. Documents required may include you visiting public offices and, potentially, official translations to Finnish language. Like you mention, the international adoption part is expensive. Kela (The Social Insurance Institution in Finland) reimburses a good deal when the child comes home. Without counting the grant in, you should expect to pay between 10- and 25 000 euros over then span of 1-5 years. This includes everything: the trip(s) to the child’s country, translations, adoption agency fees, and so on. Again, add time taken off work for info sessions or meeting the agency contact person.
Finnish law forbids to set up private fundraising, but one can consider asking the bank for a loan.

I hope this has helped easing some burning curiosity. Adoption is complicated, nevertheless is one broken but beautiful way to become a family. This Q&A was fun, let’s do it again.

The post Adoption Q&A – You Asked, I Answered appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

The event was praised by all participants. I myself went back home with an excellent toolbox and renewed hope. Not too long ago I had an epiphany that my role as a parent when my children are overwhelmed is to help them express their feelings in a safe and contained way. Please don’t imagine me as Gandhi while my child is in the middle of a tantrum, I am not. Screams and defiance are terribly triggering for me, but defining my role allowed me to feel way more in control of the whole situation. However, I was quite at loss about what I could do concretely to help my children. Here’s what I personally brought home.

What is anger, really

Anger is a secondary emotion. The “Anger iceberg” visually shows some of the primary emotions hiding behind anger. Primary emotions are painful and make us feel vulnerable. Our innate instinct to run away from them make us shift to anger instead. This is common to all human beings, not just children. For example, someone who feels sexually rejected from their spouse may react by getting mad or becoming resentful instead. The key idea here is to try and understand what is the underlying emotion the child is not capable of showing. This may vary time to time and it’s closely connected to triggers, which I discuss later. For example: if your child shows anger – through defiance or tantrums – when you pick her from daycare, it may be that seeing you was a reminder of how she missed you during the day and how vulnerable she felt. In this field, my advice is to trust your guts. In the end, parents are always the best experts on their children. When you have a good idea of what the real issue is, you can react more appropriately. Sending a child who feels rejected to a time-out is the worst thing to do (I talk from experience!). You may wanna comfort and reassure, instead. With my children, it truly helps if I try to voice the emotion for them: “Maybe you felt rejected because I was paying little attention to you when I listened to your sister telling me about her day. I’m sorry you feel like that. I love you also when I’m not looking at you”. Imagine how frustrating must be to lack a way to properly express yourself, like when you try to speak a language you are not fluent in.

Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is just a red flag. How we express anger is the real point we are trying to fix. We need to teach our child how to express anger in a healthy and constructive way. Another point Angela made was about anger management VS therapy. My understanding is that while anger management may act as a quick fix to defuse the emotion, therapy is the only long-term working strategy. In the context of parenting, I interpreted this as having to teach or help the child to dominate the emotion in the spur of the moment, but also applying long-term strategies to allow the child to identify, cope with, and express their primary emotions and what they are rooted in. Just focusing on dealing with tantrums won’t solve the root cause. The main goal should not be to manage the single anger episode, but to help the child grow and learn how to self-regulate over time.

Identify the child’s triggers

What pushes your child’s buttons? What is that something that sets off the primary emotion and, consequently, the angry reaction? Common triggers in children can be tiredness, hunger. In adopted children they could connect to feelings, emotions, events in their past. I remember once reading about an adopted child who would throw a tantrum before every car ride, until their parents understood he associated car rides to the multiple home moves he had to endure. Every time they would board him on a car, he was terrified he was being moved to a new family. Knowing your child’s triggers can help you to prevent anger, as well as react at best. For example if your child is clearly exhausted and struggles to finish eating lunch, it may be wiser to break off the meal and put her to nap earlier. Or, in the example of the child angry when picked up from daycare, if she is hungry it may be wise to keep some snacks in the car. If the child is old enough, the parent can brainstorm and identify triggers together with her. Even if kids are small, it’s empowering to try and voice their triggers when they have calmed down: “Maybe you got mad because you were hungry“. We need to teach kids to become self-aware. A practical tool here is to print the identified triggers in a worksheet like this. With some creativity and cliparts, you can make up something more appealing yourself, the point being having the list accessible or visible somewhere.

Help the child to learn how anger feels

Anger can set in slowly or quickly. In any case, there are always announcing signs. For example my son starts changing his mind 30 times in 2 seconds and goes “yes-no-yes-no-” on everything. It’s useful for a parent to learn what the signs are, but in the long run the child should become self-aware. The body usually shows early signs of anger and we can help our children to identify those. For example ears may feel hot, or fingers may start tapping. At the risk of annoying you, remember with small children you can be the first to voice these signs: “When you get mad, your eyebrows go down like this and you start stomping your feet”. These remarks should be made when the child is calm, because she won’t be receptive during an episode. It can be useful to fill up a sheet like this one on the fridge and regularly go over it with the child. In my opinion, talking about the anger episodes during quiet moments is also a healthy way to normalise them.

Teach your child to express emotions verbally

A healthy long-term strategy is to teach your child to express their emotions verbally. Here Angela showed something that was nothing short of a revelation for me: the wheel of emotions.

She explained how children live mostly in the inner circle but growing up they should start to see the different shades of feelings, and move more and more outwards. How can you enrich your child’s emotional vocabulary? Some practical ideas:

• lead by example: voice your own emotions. I do it all the time. “Argh, I feel so frustrated this dress doesn’t fit me anymore” “I’m so excited we are going on a trip tomorrow” and so on. Children are always listening and observing their parents even when they don’t look like they are (no pressure);
• read books together: nowadays there’s an incredible selection of children’s books on feelings and emotions. I put a list together, but there’s plenty more available, in several languages;
• try and voice your child’s emotions: “I wonder if you feel tired” “Are you curious to see what’s inside this gift box?”;
• play games: for instance, mirroring each other face announcing a feeling (“Let’s make a sad face” “Now a happy face”). Once I made a deck of emotion cards and regularly had my kids guess what emotion the drawing on the card represented (ashamed, worried, surprised, …);
• create an emotion chart: Angela provided us with several examples of emotion charts. You can make your own and help the child express through figures how they feel (not during the anger episode, but maybe afterwards when she is calm). Charts can be used to identify what feeling one feels as well as how intensive it is. A similar useful concept is the anger thermometer. The chart should be age appropriate and can be created together with the child. Put it somewhere accessible.

Most importantly, you parent have to embrace the idea that feelings are a normal part of being human. Never punish a child for expressing her feelings. Just teach her the best way how.

Teach the child how she can feel better

As someone who who worked hard to pinpoint what made her really feel good only in her thirties, I cannot stress enough how enriching this learning can be for children. This is a crucial building block for self- regulation and control. The parent can guide the child to identify what helps her to defuse feelings, calm down, feel good. There’s such an empowering teaching in this approach: you may not be able to control what hurts you, but you can control how you take care of yourself. A “feeling-good kit” or “calm-down kit” can take several forms: it can be a physical box with soothing and/or sensory objects. The child doesn’t have to necessarily calm down by herself, the key is for her to learn in time to stay in control and go fetch the box; the kit can be a list of activities, like “counting to 10” or “go for a walk” or “ask for a hug from mom”. You can print a colourful list and have it accessible and teach the kid to redirect to it when necessary.

Behavior contracts

Another parenting tool presented was behavior contracts. Those are joint resolutions that a parent and a child agree on. Thinking of my own experience, I have some concerns on this approach. If you go down this road with an adopted child, you have to be alert on shame. The contract has to be a constructive and positive intervention step, not a routine opportunity to underline how the child has failed. Again, the cornerstones are helping and empowering the child.

Most importantly, regulate yourself

One key teaching was that parents have foremost to regulate themselves and be in control of their own emotions. Parents, willing or not, lead by example. If you don’t practice what you preach, your teachings are worth nothing. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, no one is. If you didn’t learn to self-regulate during your own childhood, you’ll start now. It’s never too late. If you slip away from your teachings, just apologise to the child. There’s much to learn by witnessing how parents face their own mistakes.

All the tools presented here can be applied to yourself as well! I myself made a “feel-good” list and hanged it in my bedroom. My husband and I once drew a representation of the negativity cycle we’d go when fighting and now it’s hanging on our bedroom closet. It really helps to have this sort of things written down and accessible. It’s the same principle of goal journals or to-do list: we tend to slip into our usual dynamics, good or bad. You can even make your own parenting behavior contract with yourself! In time, you will realise that you and your child are in this learning journey together.

Disclaimer: this post is not a replacement for the training, nor it is a faithful reporting. These are my own key learnings which I tried to convey as faithfully to the original source as possible.

The post Anger Regulation Tools For Parents appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Italy in particular has faced an incredible peak in immigration in the past few years. Alongside with it, a wave of violent  intolerance spurt and grew to radically change the dynamics of everyday life. I daily read about racist aggressions or acts of discrimination on newspapers, not to mention the online harassment I spot. It’s the tip of the iceberg and, more alarming, it’s openly supported by key government figures. It’s impossible not to notice the parallel with Finland. The “True Finns” Party has collected consensus for years, up to becoming the 2nd biggest party in the country. Even though they publicly save face hiding behind a centrist position, they are nothing short than a nationalistic party (I mean, the name!). Just at the start of 2019, their association of young supporters officially commented the good news that grants for international adoptions had been incremented by protesting our children should come second to support for fertility treatments and international adoption shouldn’t be forbidden but definitely discouraged. Right.
Good news is the large majority of people is growing tired of these bullies. They scream loudly to make up for the fact they are few. Back in Italy, some fellow adoptive mothers had enough and decided to take action by founding “Mamme Per La Pelle”. The association was started in November 2018 with the clear goal of promoting the value of diversity. Board member and co-founder Adriana Pumpo agreed to an interview and shared about their important work.

It all started with a viral Facebook post by Gabriella Nobile, published before the elections in March 2018. Gabriella is an adoptive mother of two African children. She addressed Matteo Salvini, leader of the Lega Nord party and currently Italy’s Prime Minister, and his racist declarations and policies. She shared her children were growing terrified by the day: “My 7 year old daughter before bed asks me ‘If the guy who speaks ill about us (Salvini, ed.) wins, will we be sent back?’ before crying inconsolably.”. Her 12 year old boy was regularly harassed on the bus by Salvini’s supporters and addressed with slurs as “sh- n-”, “go back to your country” “you’re here to steal from us or kill our women”. She concluded her message by accusing Salvini and other politicians to employ fear and racism to distract people from all the disgrace they were bringing to her country. The post quickly got the popular attention and reached national news outlets and television. Gabriella, Adriana, and other mothers understood this was only a start. Mamme Per La Pelle was born.

Adriana explains, “We started off as an association of adoptive mothers. Our sons were discriminated based on their skin color or ethnicity. We wanted to take a stand and defend them.”
The same harsh reality they lived through encompasses also other types of multicultural families, “for example foster families, transracial families, immigrant families.”

“We have a growing number of immigrant mothers among our members. We want to give them a voice.”

One of the services offered is first contact in cases of racist aggression, harassment, or discrimination.
“We receive hundreds of reports every month, especially at school. They range from long stares on the bus suffered by school-age kids to systematic racist bullying. Harassment includes being thrown into a dumpster, being followed home on a daily basis, being told ‘go back to your country’. We recently received a report of a 20 year old man being denied access to a nightclub because of his skin colour, while his white friends were allowed in.”

Adriana explains how perception changes over time: “Racism changes with the victim’s age. I am an adoptive mother of two African children. When they came home, everyone thought they were cute and we experienced no issues. Now my oldest is 14 years old and looks even older, and it’s all starting.”

Through the first contact service, victims receive emotional first aid and can be advised on how to proceed, for instance if it’s recommended to alert the authorities and how to do it. Volunteers step up all the time, offering their time and their expertise. “We even have professionals like lawyers and psychologists.” The offers for help and support for the initiative continuously flow in “We were surprised to received several accounts of support. People felt less alone in this. When we started this, it felt like an avalanche.”

“We gave a name to an issue that was covered in silence.”

Mamme Per La Pelle started building a database of these reports to collect experiences and statistics on racial discrimination and attacks in Italy.

Another domain of action for the association are events to spread the message of inclusion and valuable diversity. The young association has already won a couple of big challenges in that regard.  The first successful event they organised was the photography exhibition ‘One family, all colours’ (“Una famiglia, tutti i colori”) with the support of renowned artists like Tom Watson and Francesco Guerrera. “We recruited several adoptive families and he created the portraits. Guerrera hand-drew stories on top. The message was, who better than a multicultural adoptive family can teach you about inclusion?”

“If my chocolate-colored child calls me, a pink woman, mom… what greater love can there be?”

The exhibition was launched on February, 26th 2019 in Milan and was a huge success. “We received requests from all over Italy and it will now go on tour. It will tour in Bari, Palermo, Florence, Rome, and more. That was our official visual introduction to the world.”

Mamme Per La Pelle was also a board member in planning People2March, the phenomenal response to a racist manifestation supported by the Italian government few months before. The latter, called “Italian people first” (#primagliitaliani) was held in Rome on December 8th, 2018 and gathered around 40 thousands participants. People2March, taking place in Milan on March, 2nd 2019, witnessed 250 thousands taking part under the slogan “People first” (#primalepersone). Mamme Per La Pelle opened the march with a banner saying “The world we want is a story in full colours”, held by adoptive and multicultural families. Adriana remembers that day, “It was like seeing the entire world in a street. It was a powerful message”

The association has ambitious plans for the future, starting by kicking off local chapters to expand their network. “We are trying to build a national network of mothers, through local chapters. We want to promote inclusion, diversity, cultural richness. We are launching several activities.”

Since the best medicine against racism is education, they have a project ready to launch in schools. Adriana says, “School is the forefront of society, a classroom is a scale representation of the world. We need to teach that diversity is always valuable.
“The project will pilot in May 2019 in two selected schools and hopefully will be adopted by many more throughout Italy in the following school year. The project called “Ugualmente diversi” (“Equally diverse”) includes several initiatives, depending on the group’s size and the kids’ age. One activity is an open dialogue forum moderated by an expert. During the discussion some kids have a chance to speak out about their experiences with bullying. Other sections use creativity and art, like watching and discussing movies, theatre and dance workshops, and more. The events, centred on the topic of inclusion, can be one-off or regular.

I have no doubt Mamme Per La Pelle will give a powerful contribution to change the perception of diversity in Italy. My hope is to see a similarly strong response in other countries around Europe, including Finland, to racism and intolerance. I firmly believe most people share the vision that diversity is valuable, and every person on this planet has a right to human dignity and equal opportunities.

Disclaimer: the interview to Adriana Pumpo was carried out in Italian language. Her words were translated into English to the best of my ability, but may carry the risk to slightly distort the original message. The interviewee is not responsible for this.

The post Italian mothers have a powerful response to racism: Mamme Per La Pelle appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

JOY #1: connecting with the welcoming Indian community

Adopting our son allowed us to connect with the local Indian community. Indian people living in Finland proved to be some of the most warm-hearted people I ever met. Whenever I had questions about Indian culture, food or simply about caring for my boy, they were there. I was warmly welcomed in all groups they have started here. I even made new friends. Two ladies borrowed or bought us books from India to allow us to teach our son about his birth country. We received multiple spontaneous offers about teaching our son Hindi. I am humbled and moved about how this community welcomed us with enthusiasm and open hearts. They embraced us from day one without holding back. This is one of the many joys our son brought to our life and for that I am very grateful

JOY #2: witnessing my kids’ sibling relationship

Probably my greatest joy is witnessing my children’s sibling relationship develop and thrive beyond any blood tie. They were both quite young when our son joined the family through adoption and they accepted each other right away. They are different, yet very compatible. They are close and take care of each other. They struggle when they are separated. The power of their bond goes beyond any of my expectations. When I watch them playing, reading books to each other, having deep conversations at bedtime, I can see with clear simplicity how we were all meant for each other. They truly don’t care how they became family: they simply know they are.

JOY #3: opening my heart and mind to love, connection, and empathy

When my son joined the family, he was longing for love, connection, and belonging. I was a mother already and I assumed I was prepared. I was not. The first 18 months were really challenging. They were also terribly enriching. Quoting a fellow adoptive mum, my son shaped me in the mother he needed me to be. He forced me to open my heart and mind to what love and connection really mean. I learned to value them also in my own life. The day-to-day was not as spontaneous as I expected and that taught me to be grateful of every little conquest. Before meeting him I was living in a world of fast and easy. He invited me to take a break and welcome life in all its colours and shades. I would be lying if I’d say it was a pain free transition, but I would never go back to my old self.

JOY #4: working on our couple relationships

Another gift our son brought to our life was encouraging us to work on our couple relationship. The parenting struggles we faced in the first months put us in a spot where we had to make sure we were solid as a couple. This was work we unconsciously had put off for years after our daughter was born. Our son was clear in laying out what he requested of us. It was clear we couldn’t comply and be the parents he deserved until we would find balance for ourselves. Now it was time to act.
It wasn’t easy and we asked for help in many ways, but we got there. Kids bring upsetting changes to couple life, but also great motivation to make it all work. I don’t think we would have done the same with a pregnancy and a biological child. The long process, the fight to get to hold our son, the struggles of adoptive parenting were all unique features to adoption.
It was hard work, but I never thought I could be as happy as I am now.

JOY #5: finding my tribe

Adoption from the adoptive parents’ perspective is tough. The process itself is very demanding, no matter what country you live in or what kind of adoption you are pursuing. Here in Finland, it takes several years. Bureaucracy you didn’t even know could exist and long silent waits. Then there’s the after placement, another set of challenges. Nothing can prepare to having to parent a child who has experienced trauma.
I found incredible support in the adoptive parents’ community. I met many online in Facebook groups, Instagram, and Twitter. I got to know and meet also several here in Finland. The experiences we shared were so strong that no one held back when asked for help. I had intimate discussions with perfect strangers who simply “got it” and could understand what we were going through. I never experienced this kind of compassion and connection when I had my biological daughter.

JOY #6: discovering and embracing a new culture

Adoption connected us to India and its culture. As expats, we already had a multicultural family before adopting our son. Adding Indian culture to the mix, just brought in more fun and experiences. We are constantly learning new aspects of Indian culture, tradition, and history. My husband and I now love to watch documentaries on India or Indian movies (there’s not just Bollywood!). We grew to love Indian food and cook it regularly at home. We celebrate Diwali, Rakhi, Holi every year. It’s more than curiosity: a piece of our hearts belongs to India now.
During the process, we always repeated we never intended to cut our child’s roots: we hoped to expand them and include his birth culture into our family. Given our own origins, we knew how important that factor was in his identity. I didn’t expect to grow so involved, though. I find myself eager to learn more about India and Indian customs. I feel a deep connection to that far away colourful country. We found out as Italians we share so much with Indian people: family first, respect for tradition, warm and passionate personality, indomitable creativity. We discovered so much about ourselves by mirroring into another culture.

JOY #7: learning about the power of love

Many adopted children show delays due to the hard circumstances they had to spend their first months or years in. Our son was well-cared for, but nothing can replace the exclusive care of parents. He was tiny, spoke few words, struggled with attachment and affection. I always thought children mostly needed to be fed and cleaned, but love, care, and affection are as crucial as food. I learned how connection is fundamental for human beings when I observed how children struggle when they are deprived of it.
My son taught me how powerful love can be. After a couple of months, he could speak 30 words in Italian. He grew 10 cm taller in a year and his body gained muscles. He became less goofy and developed fine motor skills. He learned how to cuddle and enjoy physical proximity – something I took for granted in children before, it’s not!
Love is what allows us to thrive. The longing for connection drives a lot of our actions. I’ve started to use this concept as a lens to observe others. I could notice it in my behaviour, my husband’s, even my colleagues’. Suffering for lack of intimacy in a marriage, for missing validation or feedback on the workplace, attacking others out of fear, are all proof of how belonging and connecting with others is a basic need of human beings. In the end, a matter of survival.
I call this a joy from adoption because it completely changed how I look at life. It shaped my relationships, taught me compassion, validated my needs and those of the people close to me. Watching our son thrive under our care also taught me a great lot about hope and power of love.
Love doesn’t conquer all. Love isn’t enough to mend every situation. Nevertheless, love paired with time can achieve a great deal, change lives, change the world.

Do you want to know more about adoption in Finland? Check out these posts:
International adoption in Finland, how does it work?
How I came to appreciate the Finnish adoption system
Our adoption story, chapter I
If you want to connect with other adoptive families in Finland, join the Finnish association of adoptive families (Adoptioperheet ry) or our English-speaking support group.

The post 7 Joys Adoption Brought Into My Life | #adoptionilo appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I want to share my experience, to reach out to other moms struggling as well as fathers who may have a hard time understanding what the fuss is about.

It all starts with the pregnancy

I remember how excited I was to see that test coming out positive: I was pregnant! While I consider being able to carry a child a privilege and I appreciate some aspects of it, there’s a harsher reality that hits a woman right away: you are responsible for growing a human being. Straight away you are required to change your diet and give up unhealthy habits (which usually coincide with the pleasant ones). If the pregnancy has complications, you may be required to stay in bed and take time off work. Hormones make you all crazed up, like you are not in charge anymore. Your body transforms, you struggle to sleep, walking around or being independent is harder and harder. This lasts almost a year! On some days, your body feels more like a vessel than something that is part of you.

Postpartum joys (sarcasm)

A topic which is not discussed enough is the consequences of pregnancy on your body. After I gave birth, my body felt like a battlefield (not only down there!). A woman’s body changes permanently during the pregnancy and birth. You are sore for days or weeks. I recall how frustrated I felt when I had to throw away almost all my clothes, since nothing fit my hips and chest anymore. Like that part of my life was over forever. I lost vision consistently, my feet grew one size (bye, old shoes), I gained ten kilos I recently accepted will stay. All of sudden, I replaced feeling attractive and confident, with repulsive and disgusting. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, my flaccid postpartum belly hanging out, thinking “that is not me!”. It was a dissociating experience.

Breastfeeding

My attempt to exclusively breastfeed fueled PND big time for me (I’ve written about my struggles here). I did not have a great supply and one session took 40 to 60 minutes for me, during which I was just supposed to sit and wait. Repeat for 10 times a day. Since I was unable to pump, that also meant I had to prevent any personal life from happening for almost a year, since I could not leave the baby for more than an hour. How I hated being a woman, back then! Breastfeeding is knowingly demanding. It’s not just the fact you need to be available at all times: it takes time, it can be painful, and leaves your breasts like hanging empty sacks. Again, I did not feel in charge of my body. It was dehumanising to see it from that perspective.

Goodbye, personal space

Mommy is the source of comfort. It’s not for lack of attempts, dear dads! My husband spent most time at home with our kids, yet I hold the title of Head of Comfort. That’s just biology and we will never have equality there. Turns out, babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding personal spaces (shocker!). It can be truly challenging to get a break from them if you are not intentional and you fall prey of the guilt. As a first time mother, I could not cope with leaving my baby screaming in the hands of her father to get a well-deserved break. Now that I know the danger is potentially reenacting the movie Shining, I face things differently, but at the time it was hard to believe I deserved five minutes off. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this. It has much to do with the image of mother we have engraved in our minds, but I bet even the Virgin Mary has muttered murder when Jesus asked for the fifth glass of water past bedtime.
Being a mother naturally means having an audience while on the toilet, having your name screamed sixty to a hundred times a day, being used a climbing tool, having to cook dinner holding a baby who has much interest in your eyes and hair.

To summarise, motherhood felt like my body was a baby oven left irrecoverably damaged before turning into a food and comfort machine, while I was left to witness without a say in it.

And then there was him

Somehow couple life and dynamics have to fit in all this. Unfortunately I (we) did not nail this aspect and it took a long time for us to find a new healthy balance. Especially during the baby phase, in which a baby’s and her mom’s days almost overlap, I had a hard time having a slack left for my husband. I didn’t want to be touched! I had another human all over me for most of my day, I did not care for another. My husband complained I used to care for him and now I was gone. I wanted to murder him when he said that. All the issues described above made me feel like I had disappeared. Caring for another demanding and helpless human being was not giving me any space to find me again… and it felt selfish that he would ask for me to give even more when I had nothing left.

What I have learned

Now I know that out of inexperience and loneliness, I made so many mistakes which made my situation harder to bear. I have learned so much from those difficult years:

• self-care is not self-indulgence. Everyone deserves to be kind to themselves and fill their lives with joyful things. This includes cutting some space for you and your partner.
• motherhood is not martyrdom. It’s okay to acknowledge that sensory overload is a trigger and to take breaks from it. You have a right to personal boundaries. It’s okay to say I don’t like this aspect of parenting. I now believe it’s a lesson for our children to show we are able to set healthy boundaries.
• my body is powerful. My body has changed drastically and rapidly, but that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful. Beauty has little to do with perfection. My body has proven to be powerful to grow a human being!
• my partner went some dramatic changes too. I wish I was able to have more empathy towards my husband. He was also hit hard by becoming a father. It must have felt so alone to feel he was losing his wife. If I could turn back time, I would try to voice my discomfort, ask for help, show him my vulnerability. We would have found a less painful way to be close and evolve as a couple.
• my motherhood experience is only mine. Comparing your experience to others’ can make you lonely. Trust yourself and do not try to conform to some unreachable ideal of mother. Be true to yourself, your values as well as your limitations. You are enough.

I am grateful I have learned from my experience. I am grateful my whole family gave me space and time to heal and learn, and never left my side or lost their trust in me. I am grateful I am loved and accepted.

I am now well-aware I’m not alone in this struggle and I hope this post will validate the discomfort, pain, and even trauma many moms go through. I also hope it will spare some of that suffering and help others shift their perspective and learn new ways to take care of themselves and fulfil their potential to be happy. You are enough!

The post My Body Does Not Belong To Me: Struggling With Overstimulation As A Mom appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Books available at the capital area libraries

Finnish libraries expand their collection continuously. For more recent results, use the keywords “adoption” or “adoptio”, and filter only materials in English. You can also request new books to acquire at this link. Please remember the fantastic service the library network offers: any item can be booked and delivered for free to any library.

Lionheart Families – The Real Life Guide for Adoptive Families
I love this book, I treasure this book! It was cowritten by four adoptive mothers and focuses on their personal experiences, the struggles as well as the solutions that worked for their families.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris) | Book’s website

Attaching in Adoption: practical tools for today’s parents
An essay, quite heavy but full of useful notions. I would advise to read it after the child comes home otherwise it may be quite abstract.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris) | Author’s website

What to expect when you’re adopting
I have not read this one, it has good reviews on Amazon but someone points out it focuses on the UK adoption system (domestic adoption of mostly older children). You can give it a try!
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris)

The unofficial guide to adoptive parenting
Another personal experience, told by Sally Donovan with great humour. This is one of my favourite books written by an adoptive parent. Look up also her other work No Matter What.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris) | Author’s website

Far away from the tigers
I love this book! This is a record kept by a teacher who worked with internationally adopted children. It may sound addressed to teachers only but I found it very informative about what kind of issues our kids may encounter in school and why sometime school is a scary place for them.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris) | Author’s website

Adopting after infertility
Another one I haven’t read, but nevertheless it’s available in our local library network.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon)

Why be happy when you could be normal
An adult adoptee’s memoirs. The author is a professional writer who was adopted in UK as an infant by a working class family. She had a tough childhood with her adoptive parents. I recommend this testimony of adversity, growth, and hope.
Borrow it | Buy it (Amazon) | Buy it (AdLibris) | Author’s website

Movies and documentaries

Documentaries were my favourite option, but good fiction can be informative and entertainment too. Here’s a list of what’s available in Finland. The list can vary when it comes to movies available on Netflix, as sometime they disappear and appear again later. I include them here and you can double check if they are still up or not.
I recommend to check YouTube as well, as one can often find full documentaries uploaded. For instance this channel has plenty, just look up “adoption”. I will include some here as well.

Palna’s daughters
A bit old documentary on a Finnish family adopting from India their second child. The wait after the match turns out to be so long that the mother decides to temporarily move to India. The documentary is in Finnish, with English subs.
Borrow it | Imdb

Twinsters
A Documentary on two adult twin sisters reuniting after they were adopted in different families (and countries).
Netflix | Imdb | Trailer

He Even Has Your Eyes
A fictional story about an African-French couple adopting a Caucasian baby. Their extended family is less than excited about their choice. A very interesting perspective on the expectations relatives may have on adoption.
Netflix | Imdb | Trailer

The Traffickers: The Dark Side of Adoption
This documentary series explores cases of illegal trafficking and episode 6 covers cases of human trafficking in international adoption. Even though the Finnish system takes all sorts of precautions against this, I think it’s a reality adoptive parents should be reminded of.
Netflix | Imdb | Trailer

Closure
A documentary on reunion of an adult adoptee with her birth family.
Netflix | Digital purchase/rent | Imdb | Trailer

The dark matter of love
This is the case of a title which was available on Netflix (I watched it!) but is currently not. Nevertheless, I will include it because it was very good. This work follows a US family adopting 3 non-related children from Russia (at once!).
Buy | Imdb | Trailer

Bulgaria’s Abandoned Children
This documentary is brutal, yet I feel it’s important to watch it. The author filmed the terrible conditions children were kept in an orphanage in Bulgaria. The documentary raised awareness on the matter and that horrible place was then closed and the children saved. Adoptive parents simply cannot imagine how terrible some orphanages can be and how it affects the child’s development: this is a good perspective into it.
Watch it | Imdb

Adopted
A documentary following two families in US who adopted Asian children. It shows some of the challenges of international adoption and promises to prove that love and good intentions aren’t enough in adoption.
Watch it | Buy it | Imdb | Trailer

Lion
A fiction movie about a child adopted from India by an Australian family who, as an adult, track backs his birth family. Based on a true story. What I appreciated about this story is how it depicts a successful adoption (the main character’s) as well as a failed one (his brother’s, whose special needs his parents are not able to meet).
Borrow it | Imdb | Trailer

Somewhere Between
A documentary shot in US following the lives of some kids adopted from China. The main focus is how they perceive their cultural identity: not American, not Chines, but somewhere between.
Buy it | Imdb | Trailer

Removed
I came across this short movie which is available for free on Youtube. It realistically depicts the story of a young child removed from an abusive birth family and navigating the foster care system. It’s shot from the perspective of the child and shows the connection between the past trauma and the present destructive behaviours. Not for the faint of heart.
Watch it (part I / part II/ part III) | Imdb | Trailer

Mercy Mercy: a Portrait of a True Adoption
Thanks to Linda’s suggestion, another great documentary, this time from Denmark. Sometime adoption comes at a very high price of which birth and adoptive families may not be aware of. There’s a great book on this topic called The Child Catchers, which focuses on the American system. I am glad this topic is being exposed also in Europe by this documentary.
Imdb | Trailer

Bombay Dreams
A recent addition to the Netflix catalogue: the fictional story of an Indian woman adopted in Sweden who goes back to India to find her birth relatives.
Netflix | Imdb

Do you have any more books or movies in English available in Finland to recommend? Drop me a line in the comments section. Cheers!

The post The Ultimate List of Books and Movies on Adoption in Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

When my husband and I moved from Italy to Finland over seven years ago, little did we know our journey would lead us further to India through the adventure of international adoption.

We both were born and raised near Bologna, Italy. We had a chance to leave our home country and come live in the family-friendly Finland, and we grabbed it with no hesitation. Life was stressful in Italy and I felt out of place. After landing in Finland, my first instinct was to shake off my Italian identity, start from scratch, and focus on integrating in my new home country.

In 2013, our daughter was born and the need of teaching her Italian as a second language forced us close again to the local Italian expat community. Through my daughter’s eyes, I got to live again what it meant to be Italian and learned to be proud of it. Ironically, I became even more Italian than I used to be in Italy. Sometime, as I felt rejected, excluded, different or confused, it gives me a primitive comfort to go back to my roots. That’s the power birth culture can have on our souls.

E and R cuddling our guinea pigs.

When our girl turned one, we started the adoption process. By that time, we felt confident with our multicultural family identity and we sincerely believed in not severing our adopted child’s roots, but in including his heritage into our family. We committed to not changing his birth name, to learning the ways of his country, and to including some of its traditions into our daily family life.

Life led us to India as our adoption country. In a short time, we were matched to a perfect one year-old boy. In the months prior to our trip, I attended Indian cooking courses, connected with Indian families living in Finland, and tried to learn as much as I could about the wonderful country India is. During the past years, the Indian community in Finland has welcomed my family with open hearts. One Indian lady brought us children’s books from India; another friend curry leaves from her mother’s tree in Bangalore; an Indian colleague regularly advises me on festivals and traditions; fellow Indian mothers taught me how to care for my child’s hair and skin, how to cook Masala Dosa or celebrate Rakhi. I was afraid cultivating three cultures would set us apart, instead it opened the door into a wider community for us.

As expats ourselves, we strongly believe in the shaping force that languages and cultural heritages have. As adoptive parents, we honor the responsibility of cultivating our child’s roots. By embracing his cultural background, we are teaching him that diversity is something to value and not hide or suffocate in homogeneity. We were privileged, as our own experience taught us to appreciate it. Our son added this invaluable richness to our lives and we cannot be but deeply thankful.

***
If you liked this post, you may enjoy also:
Our adoption story, chapter I
I am a culture juggler
The joy in adoption #adoptionilo

The post From Italy to India, via Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Adoption completed our family

I gained a son. Only four words that mean an entire universe. I welcomed a new person, which I am supposed to nurture, teach to, love, like, listen to, and so much more. A little one who demanded everything from me, like children do. I am watching him grow. I witness him struggle with challenges and try, try, try, until he overcomes them. I observe him as he builds language, word my word, if not sillabe by sillabe, to communicate with me. To shout “I’m angry” or tell me I don’t need makeup to be beautiful (get ready girls, this one’s a player). To tell me how he feels and what he thinks. I helped him build that. I get to watch him sleep peacefully or calm him down if he’s having a nightmare (cursing between my teeth, sure, but also enjoying the exclusivity of being one of two only who can soothe him).
My daughter gained a brother. She was made to be a big sister. I can see how much she enjoys her brother’s company and complicity, and how much she’s learning from their relationship. He filled our lives. We were happy before he came, but cannot be happy without him anymore.

Adoption made me a supermom…

…by making me fail. Bad. I was already a mother when E joined our family. I was ready, right? Weaaaah. This may have happened with a natural child as well, but I have learned much more about parenting in the past year than in the previous four. As anything you conquer with sweat and blood, I am proud of my small achievements and more at peace with my limitations. It may sound illogical, but I feel much stronger now that I am aware of what I cannot or I don’t want to do. In addition, I feel now I am facing challenges most of my fellow parents simply do not understand, which in turns makes me feel entitled to mark as rubbish most of the advice I receive from them. It’s a bit sad and lonely, but also works miracles against mom guilt.

Adoption opened my eyes… and heart

Adoption originates from loss. I knew that, but I fully realised the depth of that after placement and after learning more about trauma. I have learned to place my joy side by side with this awareness. Before E came into my life, I had been lucky enough to never have to live with grief or, more in general, with anything I simply had to accept. I have always been a black or white kind of person and adoption forced me for the first time in my life to accept grey. I am grateful for that and I think it has made me a more complete human being.

Adoption enriched our family of one extra culture

Being a multicultural family already, we were aware of how crucial cultural heritage is. Traditions, food, language. Through adoption we welcomed a third culture into our family and we feel motivated to constantly learn about it. I am proud to call us an Italian-Finnish-Indian family!

Adoption presented me with challenges I didn’t see coming, but also changed me and my life in ways I’m grateful for. I feel it as privilege and a huge responsibility to be E’s mother. Flashback to few years ago, when we were torn in the waiting phase of the adoption process, and some cheeky ones asked us “why don’t you have another child yourselves instead?”. This. This is why.

If you want to read our adoption story, you can start from here. If you want to know more about adopting in Finland you can read:
International adoption in Finland, how does it work?
How I came to appreciate the Finnish adoption system

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The post The joy in adoption #adoptionilo appeared first on The Elephant Mum.