The voices in the blog series Daddy’s Got This are growing diverse. I asked Tristan, an expat dad living in Norway who blogs in French at Barbapapa, to share his perspective and story. Tristan enjoys the equal policies of Norway: he put a pin on his career to take care of his two children and equally share the load with his wife. His blog is not only a testimony about a personal experience, but it’s crossing European borders and stimulating a lively discussion about parental policies back in France.

I probably became a blogger on that specific day, when the official subtitle appeared under my face. I was invited to debate on gender equality by a French media for women (Femmes Actuelles) in a TV studio surrounded by washing machines. “Your blog about paternity leave in Norway did catch our attention”, said the producer to me, paying my ticket from Oslo to Paris. She wanted to hear the stories of a French manager in Scandinavia, putting on hold his career for several months to take care of his baby. From managing a team to changing dippers at home, in a country where 70% of fathers take at least three months of parental leave.

When I started my blog (in French – barbapapa.blog), I knew my experience and my engagement would surprise the French audience. For several reasons: being a man and blogging about paternity is very rare. Gender equality is a hot topic. Scandinavian system is fascinating. The new generation of French fathers is more and more willing to have longer paternity leave. I was excited to start my pappaperm (paternity leave, ed.) and spend time with my baby. And to blog about it.

I was of course describing the daily routine of taking care of a baby. I was just doing what all mothers in France were doing. But I was a man, engaged, and my stories were considered as entertaining. So what I was doing was redefining fatherhood. And this went bigger than expected.

My blog raised quickly media attention: France Info TV did a web video about me viewed 2.5 million times, in which I publicly ask French government to take inspiration from the Nordic system. The Huffington post had already published my first article. “The day I announced my long parental leave to my manager” where I compared myself to my former women colleagues in France and I was stressed like a pregnant woman. I got interviewed by many magazines and three major TV channels France 2, M6 and Arte travelled to Norway to perform a TV reportage where I was the key character. 

My story was unique as I could chronicle the two paternity leaves I enjoyed: ten days for my first child born in France and five months full paid parental leave (same as my wife) for my second child born in Norway. I insisted on a key difference that I mentioned in many of my articles: in Oslo, I was taking care of my baby alone as my wife was back to work. I wasn’t a co-pilot, I was a pilot. I was in charge, on my own. This is an element that is a game changer for the society as it gives the whole responsibility to the father.

Through my daily routine with my baby, I was also describing the new generation of fathers that take and enjoy parental leave. “Fathers from the North that will shake up France” was my big idea. The tone of my articles was always positive, driven by sense of humor, engagement and sincerity. At the beginning of my leave, I was afraid of loneliness, boring time, and long monologue with my baby. I figured out that in Oslo, paternity leave is a way to discover new people and friends. I had an activity almost every day where I met other parents: collective promenade in the forest organized by an association (DNT), baby swimming, playgrounds. I met new friends like Mikkel, who taught me how to fish while carrying a baby; Pierre, whom I attended a class “how to cook food for your baby” with; Einar, whom I was doing papa and baby yoga with.

Of course, it does not sound very “masculine” for southern Europeans. And very often, I was called names, especially when my articles were political. But it did not stop me and it didn’t really bother me.

My initial thought was to address my articles to men, young or soon-to-be fathers. But very few read parenting blogs. The trend is a bit changing, but it goes slowly. I realised quickly most of my readers were young urban French mothers, aka “digital mums”. My experiences reminded them of their own maternity leave and they were projecting my paternity leave on their husband. “When I read your stories Tristan, I am always wondering how my husband would have lived it. I sent him your last article! ”, was a typical message I would receive. “My wife is following you”, many men would tell me (which annoyed me a bit!).

Many digital mums criticized the fact that I was too optimistic in my version of the leave. Sometimes, I wrote articles to please my audience! They appreciated a lot “The man who saw the bottle of milk half full” where I described the difficulties of the tasks. I recently read in an article that «immigrants in Norway were particularly attached to the pappa-perm as they cannot take long leave it in their homeland.” I could identity myself in that.

The blog reached its highest popularity when the Norwegian TV network, NRK, interviewed me: social media, online articles, videos in the news. If you want to practice your Norwegian, have a look!

My commitment will continue. “Never forget that a long parental leave will help you to be a better father, a better husband but also a better manager”, said a Norwegian father on his blog. “And a better writer”? I just signed a contract with one of the most famous publisher, Hachette, to have a book version of the blog.
A book from North Europe that will shake up France.

About the author

Tristan is a French father of two living in Norway. He writes in French on his parenting blog Barbapapa. You can follow his family adventures also on Facebook and Instagram.

The post Daddy’s Got This #9 | Barbapapa, A French Dad In Norway appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I’m so glad to welcome today a guest dad blogger from Canada, Matt from Dashing Dad. While reading his post I was alternating laughs with “awww“s. His learnings perfectly align with my own conclusions, even though it took way longer than a year for me to reach them. How powerful can mum guilt drag us back! It feels comforting and validating when a father comes to the same realisations as we mothers do, namely on the importance of self-care, on how not to lose focus on the parents’ relationship, as well as ways to keep our sanity while at home with the kids. But enough of my opinions, please enjoy Matt’s post and don’t forget to follow his family adventures on his blog and social media (Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest / Facebook).

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My name is Matt, I am the host of Dashing Dad and have been a stay-at-home Dad for just over one year with my beautiful daughter in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I won’t lie to you, I think being a stay-at-home Dad is the greatest job in the world. There hasn’t been a day where I have thought to myself “Man I wish I was back at work,” or “boy I miss those long commutes in rush hour traffic.”

While I have read many instances of SAHD’s being judged or looked down upon for their decision, I have been fortunate that has not been my experience. I have both a loving and supportive wife as well as a supportive community. I realize I’m lucky and that these opportunities to spend time with my daughter are fleeting.

Going into being a Dad I had little idea of what to expect and what to do. While I’m far from perfect, I have learned a lot in my first year. Here’s some of the main things.

Activities are a sanity saver

Obviously, everyone’s personalities and parenting styles are different, but for me I need to be doing something. Sitting at home and doing nothing is difficult for me most days. Sure, the odd Sunday when it’s the middle of February and -40, it’s great to curl up at home and not leave the couch, but for the most part I need to be out and about. As far as the day-to-day life at home is concerned, this has meant planning my weeks out with activities to do each day. Since Clara still blesses me with long afternoon naps (I know how lucky I am and I’m soaking them in while they still last) most of the things I plan are in the morning. 

all of this helps me keep my sanity and helps the days pass much quicker. Speaking of time passing quickly…

Long days, short months – I get it

I was told frequently before having Clara how fast time would move. As I shifted into becoming a SAHD the expression long days, short months or long days, short years was thrown around quite a bit and boy do I get it.

When you’re in the day-to-day life of being home the days can DRAG by. Especially on weeks where either you or your child aren’t your best self(s). Clara has just turned two and a few weeks ago flipped a switch straight into terrible twos. By the end of the first week of dealing with it, I was done and needed a break. But as I sit back and reflect on it, that was now almost two months ago, and I can’t believe it’s already 2019. Before I know it, she’ll be heading to pre-school and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for that.

Patience is important but requires daily practice

When kids aren’t actively trying to kill themselves – which let’s be honest is pretty much 24-hours-a-day – they’re pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. It’s natural and it’s a part of growing up – but that doesn’t make it easy. As the days start to pile on top of one another, and you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again, your patience can wear thin. Or disappear completely.

For me learning to deal with that has meant recognizing when I’m at my wits end and taking a step back. Doing something selfishly for myself, whether it be sitting on the couch doing nothing during nap, going for a bike ride, or going out for drinks with friends, it’s important for me that I do those things so that my lack of patience doesn’t carry over into the next day.

Keeping our marriage strong takes work

As much as you may love being a stay-at-home parent, or as much as your partner may enjoy their job it’s vitally important to take time for your relationship. In the first year of being a stay-at-home dad, it took a few months before Dashing Mom and I had a clear feeling of what our new roles were in the family. That is still evolving, and we are doing a better job of checking in with each other to see how we’re doing. These little chats can feel like coming up for air from the underwater chaos that is everyday life.

Lots of people talk about putting their kids first, but in our family,  Clara comes second and our relationship comes first. Kids learn so much by watching the way their parents interact. It’s how they build a foundation of how relationships should look and what a marriage is.

Not taking care of your relationship can create children that are potentially dependent longer than they should be and that have a sense of entitlement. It can also create a toxic relationship with your spouse filled with resentment and hurt feelings.

For us, taking the time for each other can be as simple as having a long discussion about our days and the plans for the upcoming weeks. It can mean a date night, or a short overnight trip to the mountains. Sometimes it can even mean taking Clara to the park and chatting while she plays. But it does take a focused effort to make sure we do these things, otherwise before we know it months will have gone by and we won’t have had a meaningful talk about anything (see: long days, short months above).

I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s OK

Parenting has come with a shocking amount of learning. Sleep schedules, snacks, girls hairstyles, clothes (how many layers does a baby need to sleep in?!?!?!?) the learning is never ending and I constantly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

But that’s ok.

Part of being a parent, I’ve found, is learning on the go and learning to roll with the punches. Doing what works for our family and not feeling guilty about it. That also means not judging other families for what works for them. And when worse comes to worse, there’s always our good friend Google (I never thought I would Google “how to get poop out of _____” so often).

The only constant is change

At times it’s downright cruel that just as you get used to your child doing something they go and change it.

“Good news, Clara loves grapes so I went and bought a pound of them!”

*Clara refuses to eat grapes for the next month.*

*I eat a pound of grapes.*

It makes sense that kids are constantly changing, especially in their early years, but it can still be annoying. I’m learning I need to embrace the constant change and just try to roll with it.

It’s all so worth it

Given the choice again, I would pick staying home over and over. Clara and I have a strong bond (although I completely cease to exist once mom is home lol) and I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to get to watch her grow up and all of the random hugs I get for anything in the world. I look forward to more outdoor adventures, teaching Clara new things, doing silly dances and watching her grow. While I’ve learned a lot in my first year as a stay-at-home dad, I’m under no delusions that my learning is done and I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.

You can find Dashing Dad at his blog Dashingdad.ca as well as on:

Instagram
Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest

He is also a finalist in the Best of Calgary awards, for Top Blogger.

The post Daddy’s Got This #8 | What I’ve learned in a year as a stay-at-home dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.