Studying maths

My life was rocked at 16 when my high school maths teacher entered the classroom for the first time. I had always been gifted with maths and logic, but that day I knew I wanted to become a mathematician. A couple of years later, when it was time to choose my major, I ignored all advice and followed what I felt was right. My parents, teachers, classmates told me mathematics would never put food on my table. Nowadays I am a project manager, yet I never regretted that decision. I have spent almost a decade studying a subject I deeply loved and that’s something.
(for the record, maths paid the bills for 5 years ).

Moving abroad

Nine years ago, at age 24, I left my family, friends, and boyfriend behind and moved to Finland on my own. I didn’t know one thing about Finland, for real. I couldn’t name any Finnish brand or had any idea how life would look like. I did it to escape my childhood home and to pursue my studies. It was scary as hell, yet it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

Reporting sexual harassment at work

It took me a long while to see what was going on, but I don’t blame myself. This is how predators act, turning on the temperature slowly without you realising it’s gotten to boiling point. My reality check was when a fellow colleague was physically assaulted. When I reported him, I was dead sure I would be fired and everything would be shushed. He was powerful. I did it because I realised this was bigger than me. In the end the workplace rewarded my bravery.

Loving fiercely my children

I wanted to title this section “adopt”, but it would be misleading. We opened our home and hearts to children who needed both. While I hate when strangers compliment me on it (they have no clue and these matters are very complex to say smart things about them), in my heart I am proud because I know it’s been a long and tough journey, one that required – still does – plenty of faith and patience. The hard part wasn’t the decision nor the bureaucracy, it’s slowly building relationships that often gives back little to nothing.

Accepting the relationship with my parents

Realising that the relationship with my parents would never be what I wanted and needed it to be was tough. When it comes to strained relationships with close family, we all want to retain a grain of hope that the situation can be recovered. After years of attempts, fights, compromises, talks, I finally got to a point where I understood this would never happen and somehow made peace with it. This was deeply saddening to do in the moment, but turned out to be liberating in the long run.

Following my dream

Last year I realised what sector I really wanted to work in. I didn’t have the right qualifications and I would leave behind better paying roles. It wasn’t an easy search and in the end I have been more lucky than I deserved landing the perfect position for my skills and ambitions… but leaving my previous job and turning down better paying offers required plenty of courage!

Opening my heart to someone

Loving my kids required courage, but also opening up to my husband did. Letting him in and showing my less-attractive traits, my deepest fears, and my vulnerabilities has probably been the bravest thing I have done in my entire life. We all long to be seen, yet exposing our vulnerabilities can be terrifying. Rejection is totalising when someone has really known you and still choses to have you out of his life. Keeping a little distance is a way to preserve yourself. Revealing your deepest fears to someone it’s like handing them the ultimate weapon that can kill you and hoping they won’t use it. Ever. Even if the relationship and context will change. Researcher and speaker Brenè Brown reveals how this rite of passage is unavoidable to live a wholehearted life. There can be a huge reward if you dare to step in there.

Developing self-compassion

Unfortunately my family not only failed to provide me with the great tool self-compassion is, but left me with a well engrained self-loathing machinery within. For years I have run towards unreachable goals, little enjoyed rewards, and focused on my failures. Developing self-compassion (which turned to be essential to develop compassion for others!) required me to disassemble everything I was, every little natural pattern, every pathway of my mind, and rebuild completely. Having to keep my awareness active on every small decision and live out of my comfort zone for so long was exhausting and a thousand times I got this close to giving up. But I didn’t.

Facing depression

Depression has walked with me since puberty. Some episodes were easier than others. Sometime I got myself out of it, sometime I couldn’t do it without a hand. How many times I thought that was the last time. After this I will be forever healed. I don’t know if I will never suffer from it again, I can’t tell. What I know is that I have pulled myself out of it over and over. And that takes strength and courage. If you have had depression, you very well know how you have little of both when you’re prey of it. For a long time I have tortured myself for falling depressed multiple times, but recently I have decided to switch my perspective and celebrate that I have instead overcome it several times and come out stronger.

Sticking to my values

I have made a great load of mistakes in my life, but I am proud to say that I have always sticked to my core values. In general, I have never been someone who takes the easy road. I can think of hundreds of times when I have definitely not chose convenient over fair. While it’s mostly felt natural – even though hardly easy – I know now it’s something few people are capable of doing. Standing up for what’s right always requires courage and I am proud I have had it in small and big decisions until now.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Featured image by SnapwireSnaps from Pixaba.

The post The 10 Bravest Things I Ever Did appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Promotes healthy relationships and communication

Three out of five people spend more time on their electronics than with their significant other. This sobering fact alone may be powerful enough to reduce device usage.
A digital detox promotes healthy relationships which are important for a healthy mind. You’ll be able to spend more time with loved ones. The relationship between a parent and a child is especially important. Children take after their role models, so it’s time to set an example. Encourage time away from their screens. Instead, find activities involving physical activity to promote a healthier lifestyle.
Furthermore, communicating behind a screen and face-to-face are different. Face-to-face interactions establish good mannerisms, people skills and understanding.

A refreshed mind from better sleep

Melatonin is a hormone involved in the regulation of sleep. Electronic screens emit a blue light that suppresses melatonin. This causes the user to feel more alert.
Those who use their phone before going to sleep don’t get enough quality sleep. Try to incorporate a two-hour digital detox before going to sleep. Wind down before bedtime with a book, the daily paper, or chatting to a loved one.
The best formula for a good nights sleep is to unplug and ensure you have a relaxed sleep-inducing environment digitally. Take extra steps to ensure this by setting the room to be the right temperature and using curtains or blinds to avoid lights from outside filtering through windows. Taking these small steps are guaranteed to result in a better nights sleep!

Improves mental health

One in five people identified technology as a source of stress. Electronic device use can take a toll on your mental health. Whether it be social media, isolation or even connection problems.
Immoderate device use aligns with higher scores in depression, anxiety and impulsive behaviour. Furthermore, social media has set an unhealthy mindset in some individuals. Receiving notifications and likes on social media correlates with dopamine release in the brain. This fosters unhealthy comparisons and validation seeking, leading to an impact on self-confidence.  

Improves physical health

Electronic device use promotes poor posture. Chronic use elongates the muscles of the back and shoulders. This contributes to a hunched posture. Forward head posture will also develop due to neck strain.
Spending less time on tech devices may equate to less sedentary behaviours. This allows for more time to focus on healthy behaviours and carry out physical activity. As those living a sedentary lifestyle will also be more likely to develop a mental disorder.

More spare time to relax your mind

The average person touches their phone over 2000 times a day. While this figure may be hard to swallow, imagine how much spare time you would have if you reduced this number? Put away your phone when carrying out an important task or turn your phone on silent mode. Eliminating the distraction will give you more free time to carry out things that matter to you. 

Increases productivity

Multitasking involves two processes; goal shifting and goal activation. Glancing at or using a smartphone during a specific task requires time. First, to re-orientate yourself and then, to focus on the required task.
A digital detox will promote increased focus at the task at hand for effective and efficient completion.
There’s no doubt technology makes life easier. The internet itself gives us unlimited capabilities for searching and accessing information. But sometimes it’s good to take a break from your digital life. Unplug your devices and unwind during your next digital detox.

About the author

Johanna Cider is a freelance writer who has happily collaborated with numerous blogs and sites. When she feels the need for a digital detox, she and her friends like to go stargazing. Find out more about Johanna and her written works on Musings of Johanna.

If you liked this article, you may like:
Digital Detox for Parents
Digital Parenting: Our Screen Time Rules

The post 6 Reasons Why You Need a Digital Detox Now – a guest post appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My husband and I, both Italian, migrated to Finland for economic and lifestyle motivations. I have put together a shortlist of blessings we hardly would enjoy in Italy. Finland is not the perfect country – no such place exists – and you’ll regularly find me criticising what doesn’t work here. However, it’s very clear to me that living in Finland is what enables me to pursue my personal values and dreams. This is why.

#1 Work-life balance

Work-life balance in Finland is possible, even encouraged by workplaces, policies, and peers. Office hours take place between 8 am and 4 pm, and many employers allow flexible hours and remote working. Daycare and schools schedules are in sync with working life. If your child is sick or you need to take few hours off for family reasons, no one blinks. No matter your role in the company, everyone understands if you have to reschedule a meeting to attend a parent-teacher conference. This all sounds reasonable, but I do not take it for granted. Italy is upside down on this topic and sometime I wonder why Italian employers choose to live in denial of the reality that people have kids and that the latter need adult care. My husband and I wanted kids, but it seemed like an impossible dream back in Italy. We moved here primarily because we knew the conditions were favourable.

#2 Gender equality

Italian society is a patriarchal one and it’s tough to be a woman there. The harassment is basically constant – I grew up thinking being groped in clubs was simply part of the female experience – and humiliations occur daily. Female employment rate is less than 50%, mostly because gender norms and inadequate policies force women to turns into housewives, willing or not. No matter how smart, well educated, or capable I was, I knew I had limited career chances back home. I noticed the huge difference in the first two months I spent in Finland. My new university classmates never once underlined I was a woman and treated me like a human being, a peer. I never considered this was even possible! I knew instantly that was how I wanted to feel the rest of my life. Finland still faces gender issues (for example domestic violence), but it always tops gender equality rankings worldwide.

#3 Support for families

There is a long list of governmental benefits awarded to families with children in Finland. Starting from the famous Finnish baby box, a huge package of goodies gifted to every family welcoming a child, families also receive a monthly payment for every child, a place in public daycare (which is excellent), and much more. There is also plenty of free or cheap events for families, and a lively cultural landscape for kids.

#4 Nature at our doorstep

I always wished my children would grow in close contact with nature. Around 72% of Finland’s total land area is covered in forest. Moreover, Nordic lifestyle is deeply linked to nature, with most Finns used to fishing, picking berries, hiking, cooking on open fire, collecting wild mushrooms, and so on. I love how life here is dictated by the regular rhythm of seasons. We live in an urban area, yet we are surrounded by forest and lakes. Our daughter just ended the year at her “forest daycare”, where she spent day after day playing in nature – no matter the weather – and learning to name plants, mushrooms, and animals. In a world plagued by environmental disasters and exponential urbanisation, it feels incredible we are allowed to enjoy the best of two worlds in perfect harmony, urban and nature.

#5 Career opportunities

Despite Finnish job market still being hard to navigate for foreigners, we both had a lively career in the past 8 years. As a woman, I am grateful I am allowed to work – as I mentioned in the paragraph above, it wasn’t for granted back in Italy. We have worked in different workplaces and accumulated a great variety of international experiences. We were given roles of responsibility, which is something you can hardly hope for back in our birth country.

#6 Our children’s education

The Finnish school system is renowned worldwide for being one of the best in the world. Not only the education delivered is of top quality, but the Finnish education system is low-stress for children. You can find plenty of articles online detailing its recipe for success. Back in Italy, school programmes are pretty much the same as 50 years ago (can you believe I was never delivered any sex ed, but one hour a week of Catholic religion for 13 years?!). Here, children learn also important life skills, like cooking, woodwork, and so on. As a family, we feel blessed that our kids can access the best education which, by the way, is 100% free up to college degree.

#7 A society founded on equality

Finnish society, like any, has its contradictions, but it is undoubtedly founded on the value of equality. There’s a collective agreement that every human being should access certain services and live with dignity. This becomes concrete in many ways. For example free education (and I mean free: no books, no uniforms, no fees) comes from the belief that every child has a right to it. Similarly, the welfare system – which is not source of shame and pretty much everyone claims some benefit from – grants a decent income for everyone. Access to healthcare is universal. It goes on and on. Again, there are issues we are working on, but the pull towards equality is strong and it’s one of the aspects I love the most about Finland. I often repeat that if there’s one place in the world where we can hope for positive change, that’s Finland.

#8 Kids’ independence

Back in Italy, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself until I was about 12. Not even the shop across the street. My parents worked turns as my drivers until I turned 18. This is unfortunately very common. The stereotype of the Italian child sees him living at home until he’s over 30. I’m afraid it’s quite realistic. Children in Finland are encouraged to grow independent since early years. For example, daycare staff hardly help 4 year olds to dress up to go outside. A 5 year old is supposed to be able to tie her shoelaces. School age children normally walk to school on their own! I love this. This aspect of my children’s upbringing is bearing fruits already now that they are 4 and 6. I can see how they are growing to be independent and confident problem solvers.

#9 The quiet

I didn’t really know what silence was before moving here. Italian people are famous shouters. I love the quiet nights here, not a sound polluting the air. I love to stroll in quiet forests, walking away from the sound of cars passing on the street. Even Helsinki city center is quiet! People are soft spoken and respectful of shared spaces. I have grown so used to this peace that I often struggle to sleep well when I travel.

#10 Honest people

One of the major sources of stress for my husband and me back in Italy was the fear of being cheated. Corruption in Italy is common place, not only in places of power, but also in everyday life. Professionals try to cheat you with false quotes or by selling you fake products. Italian people generally feel they are above the law. We felt under siege pretty much all the time. Here in Finland it’s the complete opposite: most people are honest and rule-abiding. Here we can relax and lower our defences.

What do you think, would you still like to live in Italy other than Finland? Italy will always have a special place in my heart and I hopefully will always be able to visit when I miss it. However, it’s crystal clear to me that Finland is the place for me to raise a family and enjoy life. Thank you, Finland.

P.S. Hey Finland, I won’t stop challenging your flaws simply because I love you, I want you to only grow better, and never lose your status of heavenly place. Yours truly XX.

The post 10 Reasons Why I Am Grateful I Live In Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

An inspiring read: Becoming

Are you looking for the next book to read? Look no more. I was completely blown away by the celebrate Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming. Michelle shares about her family, her intense life before meeting Barack, and their long journey before they even entered the White House. Living under the spotlight for 8 years wasn’t easy. Her memoir is raw, honest, and even though she went through an incomparable experience, most women will relate. Because underneath it all, there’s a woman who fought all her life to be true to herself, find a balance among career, self-realisation, motherhood, and supporting her husband in a demanding career. You’ll love it. I recommend to buy the audiobook on Audible, narrated by Michelle herself. It’s so powerful to hear her story through her spoken words.

Learning new recipes with Yummly

I have recently discovered this fantastic recipe app and it has changed my life. This may sound dramatic, but hear me out. I am used to make a weekly menu every weekend. We are quite picky and don’t want to eat the same dishes over and over. I also appreciate learning new things and trying new flavours. On top of that, I have recently cut my meat intake and this has forced me to expand my vegetarian recipe collection. I have struggled with finding reliable recipe websites. Yummly is super convenient: you can filter recipes with many criteria – special diets, allergies, cooking time, ingredients to avoid, variety of ingredients, and so on. It’s very easy to save recipes to personal collections and dishes are realistic and tested (and reviewed by users!). I have found great new ideas we have tried, tested, and loved! Give it a try, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

A YouTube channel you need to subscribe to

Chris Ulmer was a special need teacher who, quite by chance, became a paladin for diversity and acceptance. His YouTube channel, Special Books by Special Kids (SBSK) now counts 1.5M subscribers. Chris tours the world to interview people of all ages who are living with different kinds of conditions. He gives them a platform to share how they live, love, and more. The channel also became a community, full of engaged supporters who connect with the interviewees to express solidarity and also politely ask questions about the different lifestyles and challenges. I have learned so much from Chris’ videos and I am sure you’ll love them as well.

A sweet animation series on Prime

This original Prime Video series for children is just so cute! Both my kids love it. Personally, I especially appreciate it comes dubbed in a bazillion languages, so it’s multicultural-family-friendly. It’s a story of friendship, positivity, and facing obstacles with imaginative solutions. In some ways, it reminds me of Curious George. I’m always on the lookout for stimulating content when it comes to screen time, and this is a good catch!

An introduction to minimalism

Don’t worry, I’m not here to convert you to minimalism. It’s not for everyone (definitely not for me). However, few months ago my family underwent an interesting change after watching this documentary on Netflix. I had been attracted to the idea of cutting on the amount of stuff we owned for a long time, but struggled to make consistent change. Watching that film together with my husband triggered a real conversation and we took it on to make some adjustments. In few weeks, we cleared the house of several boxes of pure junk. We made space where we didn’t think it was possible. If you are fascinated by doing something like that, the documentary Minimalism can be an easy start to learn more about how you can set your mind to act on it.

I hope you will enjoy these little pearls I have collected for you. If you find any of these useful or enjoyable, don’t forget to let me know. I love to hear your feedback. Have a great and sunny July!

The post My June 2019 Favorites appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Next question was, how to implement gratitude in daily life? Believers have the powerful tool of prayer, but my husband and I do not follow any religion. One day, I came across this inspiring Ted Talk by author AJ Jacobs:

In particular, it strikes me when he says:

The power of our actions to change our mind is astounding. So, often we think that thought changes behaviour, but behaviour very often changes our thought.

AJ Jacobs, author and Ted Talk speaker.

We decided to give it a try. We introduced our children to a daily ritual: at every meal, we would thank each other for something or express gratitude for something we have in our lives. To my surprise, the kids welcomed the new habit with great enthusiasm, so much that in the first days they were reminding us to practice it.

A round typically goes like this:

Me: Thank you R for helping your brother to take off his jacket when we got in, thank you E for listening right away when I told you to go wash your hands. Thank you daddy for letting me sleep in this morning. I’m thankful we have a great library nearby where we can borrow so many children’s books in Italian.
R: Thank you E for being my little brother. Thank you mommy for cooking dinner, thank you daddy for going to work every day to bring home the money (yes she said that, LOL).
…

E, who is now 3 years old, didn’t understand how to thank right away. He would often say things like “Thank you R for sleeping last night”. However, children are incredibly perceptive. It took him a week of listening to our thanks and he picked up what gratitude really meant. He later came up with surprising observations that showed how much kids notice even though we believe they don’t. I believe this exercise is helping all of us notice positive actions and events in our daily life.

Our 11 year old goddaughter visited after we had established the new tradition. We explained how it worked and told we didn’t expect her to take part. She was into it big time. She was feeling down, but voicing the good things out loud forced a smile out of her.

It’s crazy how positive habits can vastly impact your day and mind. We always find something to be grateful to each other. I am so proud we are teaching our children to see all the gifts we have and how we appreciate everyone in the family. My husband and I are learning along the way with them. We were inspired by our role as parents to find creative ways to teach them gratitude. Children really offer parents a second chance at living. I’m grateful for that.

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Light a candle

I never understood scented candles… until I tried good quality ones. As a busy mom, I learned to find joy in small things. Breathing in a pleasant smell puts me in a better mood. I love the ritual of lighting the candle and reminding myself I can take few seconds to make my day better. I have discovered the series WoodWick. They are exceptionally good candles: my medium-sized grapefruit candle lasted around 40 hours and the whole floor was filled with its scent. What makes them unique is their wooden wick that crackles like a fireplace. I bought mine on Amazon, but you can find it in Stockmann as well.

Wash your face

Now that you set the mood with a burning scented candle, indulge in washing the stressful day away off your face. I am nothing close to a beauty expert: I am never willing to spend much on cosmetics and I am always looking for the sweet spot in terms of quality/price ratio. I have now tried the Gisèle Denis cleaning gel and toner for three months and I am very impressed with them. What stroke me right away was the pleasant smell they leave on your skin. They do not leave my skin dry (an issue I had with other products!) and washing my face with them once or twice, I noticed a small improvement in my skin’s health and texture. You can find the Gisèle Denis line K-city markets or on Amazon.

Nourish your skin

An occasional treat for me is putting up a nourishing face mask. Recently, I discovered the Korean line by It’s Skin sold in K City Market (buy online). I love these masks’ smells and they do leave my skin visibly moisturised. Plus, their price is very reasonable!

Watch the adventures of a mom who gets it

While you wait for your face mask to soak into your skin, why not watch a cool TV series? Last fall Netflix aired the funny and real Australian show The Letdown, starring a woman who struggles to embrace motherhood. Her new mom friends have different family situations, approaches, personalities, difficulties. They find a way to stop comparisons and support each other. This show is the real deal! It doesn’t hold back on the frustrations or shocks of parenting. I really loved it and you will too!

Now metaphorically wash your face

Now that you are all pampered, why not start a new book? International bestseller Girl, wash your face by Rachel Hollis is an excellent choice. Rachel picks the false truths women are brought to believe and she dismantles them one by one. If you are a pro at self-demeaning thoughts like I am, you need this read. It’s an honest conversation, a reminder you are not alone in your struggles and how you should be compassionate towards yourself.

I hope you liked my suggestions to take care of yourself. What are your go-to things to cultivate joy and well-being in daily life? Leave me a comment here below.

The post February’s Favorites: Spoil Yourself appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

We reconnected not long ago and I found out that she had radically changed her career and her lifestyle. We met over lunch and I got so hooked on her inspirational story that I asked if I could share it here on my blog.

Meet Stefania. (Pic: Stefania Yoga & Wellness)

Stefania lives with her Finnish husband in Helsinki. They have two lively young children who speak Italian and Finnish. Until last year, she used to work in sales in a design company, struggling to balance a full-time job and family – I know very well what that’s about! She didn’t feel fulfilled at her workplace, but couldn’t easily see any alternative. Then one day, after a snowboarding accident, she was forced on a sick leave and got some time to think what her next move would be. The stress she accumulated in the previous years and her health issues put her moods down, but she found genuine solace in practicing yoga. She questioned her lifestyle and forced herself to define what her life purpose truly was. What was her place in the universe? This part fascinates me terribly, as I recently did the same thing and I know how deeply liberating the passage is. Not long ago I read the fantastic book by Rachel Hollis Girl Wash Your Face (if you haven’t yet, log in to your Amazon account and buy it, I’ll wait for you). Rachel does a great job at inspiring and empowering fellow women and she always says write it down or say it out loud. There’s an incredible power in formulating in words what your goal or purpose is. You may need help in pinpointing it – I know I did – because it may be buried under loads and loads of negative thoughts, undermining comments, anxiety, feminine natural tendency of self-sacrifice. But once you find your life purpose, once you say the words and they click perfectly, you cannot go back. It may take some more time adjusting your life to pursue it – my current phase – but for the first time you know exactly what direction to head to and what is side-tracking you.

Pic: Stefania Yoga and Wellness

Back to Stefania’s story, she reacted promptly and embarked on a life adventure. She left her secure job, kicked-off her trainings as a yoga teacher, a nutrition and health coach, and started her own company. Beside that, she started living by what she was preaching. She modelled her own lifestyle based on what she was learning, began living mindfully and empowering others to do the same. We recently became “Headspace buddies” and poke each other to make sure we both meditate daily. I have attended her yoga class Gentle Flow at the studio Saga Yoga and I loved it. Her calm voice guides you, her warm sense of humour reminds you not to take life too seriously. Before attending her class, I was nervous. Yoga sounded like something a “pregnant-in-heels” kind of mom would do, while I am in sweatpants on my best days. In her class, I didn’t feel out of place. It was intimate, relaxed, and I loved that she gave us the opportunity to adapt every exercise to our needs (and flexibility!). When I shared more about my health issues, she gifted me with precious advice and allowed me to transition from a powerless and passive state, to feel I still had a chance to be in charge of my body. Her holistic and individual approach can really shift the game.

Stefania currently has a regular mother-baby yoga class at Bay Helsinki on Mondays 9:30-10:30 for new mothers. I think back of when I had my daughter and I would have loved an activity where I would meet other moms and where I would be able to feel in charge of my body as well as take care of it. She also offers classes to corporate clients. Think how amazing it would be to break or conclude your work day with a hour yoga! You also have your team day activity served on silver plate here. She works also as an individual health coach. Her clients simply want to feel good, maybe they have some small joint pain they cannot get rid of, or they don’t feel well and don’t know where to start to feel better.

Mother and baby yoga class. Pic: Stefania Yoga and Wellness

I am so impressed and inspired by how Stefania took charge of her life and did not simply turn her head the other way. That’s what I wish also for myself and, frankly, for all of us who don’t feel fulfilled with their lives but are too confused or scared to do something about it. It’s never too late to take ownership of you life!

If you feel Stefania can help you, you can reach her through her website, her Facebook page or her Instagram account (follow her, her posts are uplifting!). You can also attend one of her classes at Saga Yoga (maybe we’ll meet there) and Bay Helsinki.

Many thanks to Stefania for allowing me to share her story. I hope you will find inspiration in it like I did.

The post From design to yoga and well-being: my friend Stefania’s story appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

A lot happened. Most were good things, don’t worry. I was just crazy busy and emotionally drained. I felt guilt about not updating my blog and I have a couple of reviews pending, but I could use some time off. My blog is a not a job, it’s a creative flow aimed at increasing my well-being. There’s no point in it becoming another source of pressure and stress.

But let’s get to the juicy news. One big I want to share was me running in the bike race Helsinki Velotour. I cycled the 80 km route, which was a bit crazy considering my scarce physical shape and the fact that I had never biked over 30 km. I am proud of myself for doing it, for having the courage of trying something completely new, for running the race “my own way” (slow and alone), and for finding the determination to finish it.

I was blessed by great weather (except the last 8 km in the pouring rain) and I truly enjoyed it despite the effort. I bought my bike almost a year ago and cycling has become one of the stress-reliever of my post-adoption life. It’s a mindfulness exercise for me. I get to enjoy the nature surrounding me and to test my body, without stressing it. It’s a constant work of listening to your body, your thoughts, and immersing yourself it the beautiful landscape. Because of this relationship between biking and my adoption, I had asked my adoption agency Interpedia to run with their T-shirt. I asked my followers and friends to donate to their development project in India. It gave me further purpose and motivation, and even if I have raised as much as 10 euros, I’m really glad I did!

Second big piece of news, I finally faced a difficult situation at work which has given me plenty of stress (and insomnia, depression, panic attacks, …) for the past couple of years. It meant I had to let go of some responsibilities, but I stayed true to myself, my values, and eliminated a huge source of stress. I had to fight all my insecurities, have resilience and plenty of patience, but I finally got to a point where it felt right to say “enough”. Despite the tension, I got support from colleagues I deeply admire. As you can imagine, this took a lot of emotional and mental energy in the past weeks.

Coming next, I was asked to speak to an Adoptioperheet (the local association of adoptive families) event in October to the local community of prospect adoptive parents. I’m really excited about this, because it feels so isolating to be an expat adoptive family in Finland. I’ll get to network with other families and I feel I have plenty to share for others’ benefit. This whole blog basically exists because I cannot keep my mouth shut about the adoption struggles. So, ya know, that’s exactly my jam. *Small ad* The session will be streamed via Skype. If you know any English-speaking adoptive parent/prospect adopter/person considering adoption in Finland, please tell them to register and take part *Jingle, end of ad*.

Here you go, that’s a small taste of what happens in a month in my house. There’s plenty more, but I don’t feel like sharing it. It’s been some tough weeks, kinda a rollercoaster ride. My spirits are high and I’m excited about what’s coming up in the fall. I have several ideas for content and I hope you’ll stick around to enjoy them. Happy start of Fall, everyone!

The post What’s going on: Helsinki Velotour & exciting news appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

We were invited to visit the town of Kouvola and the nearby region, approximately 150 km away from the capital region. This wasn’t our first time, as last year we had visited the spectacular amusement park Tykkimäki close by. However, we hadn’t explored the area and we were eager to find what we had missed.

We spent our first day in the incredible National Park of Repovesi. The sun was shining bright and we decided to walk the popular Fox Trail (5 km).

We left the car in the wide Lapinsalmi parking area. If you don’t own a car, don’t panic: there are cheap bus connections running in the summer. Before starting your walk, you can buy snacks or drinks from a local kiosk and use the dry toilet facilities.

I had studied the map and I knew our trail started with a ride onto the “Fox ferry”. We walked to the departure point, yet we were confused: where is the ferry? We double-checked the trail marks, saw a platform, yet no ferry on the lake. Well, apparently it was a man-powered ferry!

My husband and a fellow hiker carried our family to the other side of the lake: what an exciting start! The clock had hit noon already and we all needed energy, so we stopped under the fresh shadow of spruces and ate our packed lunch: rich sandwiches, cherry tomatoes, and tiny cinnamon buns.

We were ready to start our walk! The trail alternated parts deep into the pine and birch forest with open walks onto the Lake Kapiavesi’s rocky banks. It was not an easy walk (definitely not stroller-friendly, bring a baby carrier!) and we loved it. I am aware I get easily excited by new things, so I ran through my more trustworthy husband the question “Was this our best hike ever?” and he commented “Definitely one of the best”.

I think we were mostly impressed and engaged by the diversity of the trail. Personally, I love going deep into dense, humid, and mushy woods, and there were long segments like that. I love to stand in the middle of a forest, turn all around and feel there’s no end. The kids and I pressed our hands onto the soft moss that was covering the whole forest’s floor, smelled trees and plants, carefully walked over roots, pointed at berries of different shapes and colours. I told them elves (tontut) and fairies populated the forest and we pointed at things in nature and wondered how they’d use them to hide, sleep, or dress up. Then, just like that, the woods opened again and we’d find ourselves walking on big rocks few inches from the clear waters.

Near the lake, we could hear the loud calls of the local red-throated diver and other birds chirping. Watching the deep blue waters of the lake over the clear sky was mesmerising. There is no “official” beach along the trail, but you can dip your feet or legs in some points. Some tracts of the trail were rocky, the area is famous for high cliffs and for the light red granite rock rapakivi. There was plenty of elevation, too. In the second half of our hike we had to climb up a steep hill, but the view we found on top was worth the effort: utterly breathtaking. We stood on a plain rock and oversaw the woods, the lake, and the immense sky.

Here and there, we found information posts which shared more on the history and the natural heritage of the site. The whole trail was very well maintained and marked. It took us 3 hours and a half, we had to take few breaks, but we and the kids all made it! We spared the little one (now 3 years old) a couple of kilometers by carrying him in our baby carrier, but the oldest (now 5) managed well on her own. In the end of our walk, we were supposed to cross the lake through the famous suspension bridge.

Picture borrowed from rimmalaura.com

Unfortunately the bridge was closed for repair, but a small boat was carrying visitors back and forth every 15 minutes. We sat at the picnic area and ate a fruit snack, while waiting for our ride. Some families were grilling their lunch on an open fire available to visitors. When the boat arrived, we climbed onto it and it quickly transported us back to the parking area. We made a stop at the kiosk for ice-cream and then said goodbye to the beautiful park of Repovesi. We rode towards Kouvola eager to see more, with our hearts well-rested and full of beautiful family memories.

I collaborated with Visit Kouvola to write this post. Opinions are mine and sincere. Read about my transparency and work values here.

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Not long ago, I was re-watching the famous TedTalk by Brené Brown, The power of vulnerability. She starts by talking about connection, and she says:

[…] connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it’s all about. […] what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is — neurobiologically that’s how we’re wired — it’s why we’re here.

Shortly after this excerpt, she mentions shame, which is a keyword in any book I’ve read on adoptive parenting. Rule number one of adoptive parenting: avoid shame. Do not shame the child. Condemn the behaviour, not the child. So my ears went all up, full alert mode. Brown goes on and reframes shame like this:

[…] shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection.

Then it hits me, like a maths formula. Shame is fear of disconnection. Shame is the worst I can do with my child. Why? Because what he fears the most is being disconnected.
Soon enough, the pieces of the puzzle find their places and it all makes sense.

You see, for the past 18 months, we observed several behaviours in our adopted child we couldn’t understand. They were annoying, often goofy, sometime ridiculous, even pathetic. Some examples, right here.

Talking loud, regularly interrupting our conversations, singing or shouting in empty rooms. Calling someone’s name endlessly, even long after they give him attention. All things that would send any sane person to the nuthouse. It was really hard to understand why he would do all these things. Why is he reminded he wants to say something, punctually when other people start a conversation? Why shouting for half an hour in an empty room? Why would he keep calling “mom” when mom is giving him her undivided attention and waiting for him to formulate his need?
My current interpretation is that he wants other people to acknowledge he exists: “I’m here, hear me, look at me!”. My son was a lucky one. He did get good care in his children’s home, yet he was deprived of the experience of an exclusive carer. In a busy orphanage, he probably was left to cry few minutes before someone could pick him up and comfort him. He maybe believes he exists only if someone is interacting with him. I think he’s regressing to how babies feel when they develop through love and connection. Babies develop a sense of self through a constant interaction with their parents. He missed that stage and I’m not sure if our love will ever fill that hole.

There’s another batch of behaviours that make us go cuckoo. When he joined the family, he would keep on doing the things we had just told him not to. If we’d say “Don’t touch that”, rest assured he would two seconds later. I learned some adopted children do this with the intent to provoke the carer, in an attempt to gain control. It took some time, but we realised that was not the case for E. When scolded, he genuinely acted surprised and hurt. Now, I admit it required a long time for me to learn not to take it personally. I occasionally still struggle with it. After about eight months, we understood many of these incidents were due to his limited understanding of our language. He is a master at imitating language and he had fooled us into thinking he had acquired Italian skills in few weeks. It was truly hard to realise he hadn’t and some of these incidents had happened out of lack of comprehension. While I connect the naughty behaviours with his bottomless need for attention (even negative would do), I feel his “imitation game” originates from a desperate need for belonging. He shows it also by repeating anything his sister does, in an attempt to receive the same bit of attention and feel part of our family. He needs constant reassurance and we are trying our best to highlight his talents at any occasion.

Now, we are often walking on a floor of broken glasses with him. All these annoying behaviours sum up and sometime daily family life becomes intolerable. We are human beings and we may lose our cool, or even hope for a moment. We are still struggling to find the best way to parent this child, but lately there has been a positive development thanks to my shift of perspective with shame and need for connection.

We used to apply the naughty step method. We have always called it the “I-need-a-break mat”, to take away the naughty- feel. Since we started from being annoyed and angry, we would often send him there as a punishment. He would fight it hard. A time-out could easily take over 30 minutes of constant screaming and often resulted in a wrestling match, teaching him no lesson and leaving us utterly floored. Time went by and instead of improving, things got worse. When he was smaller, he would cry hard on the mat and I remember I felt his fear. Fear of not being loved. No matter if I’d stick around during the time-out, careful not to leave his sight, it was there. After one year, he would fight harder and scream at my face with a rage that shouldn’t belong to a child. In the aftermath, when we explain once again why we had sent him there and hugged him, he clearly was repeating the words he felt he needed to say to make it end. This approach was not serving anyone. It wasn’t teaching him anything and it wasn’t improving our relationship with him. If anything, it was creating stressors for anyone involved.

I now believe that such style of time-outs to him sounded like a reminder of “You are a bad boy! You are bad!”, “You are not in control, we will tame you into compliance”, “Go to the mat of shame where you belong, away from this family”. And to be fully honest, in the heat of the moment “bad boy” has even slipped out of my lips sometime. In other words, that approach was making him relive all of his worst fears. Being intrinsically bad, rotten, damaged. Not belonging to our family. Not connected.

After it clicked in my head, I started trying something new and so far it has been promising. The general principle is that the time-out should serve as a containment experience. It’s a tool for the child (and the parent) to release the stress in a safe space and when calm has been restored, talk through together about the stressor and how to deal with strong emotions. It is not a punishment. Let me say it once again: it is not a punishment. I may even start it with the usual words”Let’s get a time-out”, but with a different tone. Not “you did a bad thing, now you’ll get sent to the mat”, but “dude, you are losing it, let’s go to a safe place”. Since we are transitioning, I have to walk to the mat with him, he’s not confident to go by himself. He usually fight it a bit, so then I activate phase two. I hold his hands, get my eyes at his eyes’ level and sweetly talk him into looking at me in my eyes. Again, not a command, but an invitation. I found out gently holding his hands helps a lot, like a reminder of “I’m here with you”. Then I may remind him that it’s okay to be angry or not wanting a break, but I feel he’ll benefit from it. I say things like “Let’s get calm together” or “I’ll help you with this”. Again, alternative versions or “You are not alone“. Doing this prevents the situation from escalating and he may even complete the time-out on his own, quickly, and peacefully.

And he listens. I often ask him to tell me why he had to go on a time-out, to make sure he understands and internalises what has happened. In the past, he would often do something wrong right in the aftermath and I would grow frustrated. How can you behave like this, right after the time-out? I have observed that this new empathetic attitude also results in better behaviour after the episode. When outbursts are dealt with like this, they can become success stories for him. I often remind him of “last time, when you succeeded in calming down, like a big boy”. That bit helps as well.

And then there’s me. With “the old way”, I didn’t gain anything. He wouldn’t learn anything and because we would fight so hard, I ended up feeling exhausted and often guilty. It was a banquet for shame and negative feelings. Now, I have to use all my strength to remain calm (screams will always be triggers for me), but I feel in control and I genuinely believe I’m doing something good for him and our relationship. When it ends, I feel relieved but also… proud. I helped him navigate this difficult moment. I listened to his feelings without judging them, I taught him to live through the emotions while not being prey to them, I showed him you can feel and be in control of your feelings.

My method is not bullet-proof, as no parenting strategy is. We still had an epic tantrum one day (I slipped into one old mistake and that was it) and it was just awful. However, we went from a situation when every outburst was tragedy and they were getting worse in time, to one where most of them are managed with grace and as a shared trust-building experience.

Do you struggle with similar issues? Do you have any advice you’d like to share? Please leave a comment below or feel free to get in touch.

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