Our dynamics was always the same. Despite considerably lowering my standards, I would run up and down ticking lines off my to-do list and feel he was far from doing the same. Our style with chores are different. He’s a serial procrastinator and I easily grow tired of witnessing something untidy. One “we should do this” would end in days or weeks of me impatiently waiting, until I concluded “I guess I’ll do it myself!”. I felt trapped in an unequal relationship (which there among my top 5 fears) and he only heard me nagging and devaluating his real contribution. Our perception grew distant, as did we.

I know we are not alone, definitely not in Finland. Finland has one of the highest divorce rates of the world and a considerable divorce per capita figure as well. According to the book Cultural Sociology of Divorce, a division of housework perceived as unequal is one of the main causes of divorce in the Nordic country. In many (all?) Western countries, childcare and housework are not women’s domain anymore, and the gender equality pride is on the rise.

I am here to share the simple system which brought peace back into our couple life. Our first small yet big change was how we handled our daughter’s disrupting sleep habits. My husband went to work during the week and we agreed that he needed to sleep as much as possible. However, we made the mistake of “suffering together” for a long time, until we started taking turns to sleep in on weekends. Headphones, ear plugs, sleeping in another room (or house if necessary): at least we both got one night of decent sleep a week. As little as it may sound, this adjustment meant a lot for our sanity.

Our little revolution concerned housework. One day I sat him down, we listed together the regular chores – cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, and son on – and we split responsibilities. We pinned the chores we hated onto the other and made a division we agreed to be fair.

The first week I felt it was all wrong. I saw his chores piling and piling, way over my decency levels. I patiently waited and gave him time to adjust to the new routine, and he did.
We have a say in Italian language, “Clear pacts, long friendship“. It means that if a mutual agreement is stated clearly, it benefits a relationship. This is exactly what happened to us. I knew I didn’t have to worry about his chores and I stopped nagging. I felt our load was fairly distributed and we started working like true partners.

After few years our life situation had changed and so had the chores. With a new family member some had stayed the same (cooking, shopping) while some had become heavier (washing). I felt the load had grown bigger, but he didn’t agree. I had also grown bored and stressed by my chores. So I asked him to switch and we found a new balance again. Our routines are likely to vary again – maybe our employment or commuting situation – but we now have grown used to stating clearly what we are willing to give and I am confident we can find a new satisfying balance.

Did you find an agreement to split housework? If not, would you give this system a chance? Comment down below :).

The post What saved my marriage: towards a more equal shared life appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

“The purpose of marriage is not being happy”. My colleague stares at me with eyes wide open, not knowing what to say, when I state that while having lunch with her. “Then what is?”, she asks, opening a life theme I have pondered upon since childhood, while witnessing my parents, still married after a lifetime.

Since childhood, we are conditioned to associate marriage with happiness. Fairytales end as soon as prince and princess are wed and summarise a life together by “they lived happily ever after”. Later movies come in, protagonists divorce and claim “I wasn’t happy anymore”.

Who marries with the expectation that marriage will grant them individual happiness is doomed to swallow a hard reality pill. The goal of marriage is to create a family (with or without children) capable of living in harmony. In a way, the goal is marriage itself, and making sure it lasts until “death do us apart”. Long ages of unhappiness are sure to happen in a shared lifetime.

For me it was crucial to witness my parents’ marriage. There were happy times and intense arguments. Times when they were so in harmony, they seemed to waltz with each other in daily life. Others when they spoke different languages. It was always clear their common goal was building, preserving, fostering our family.

My pragmatic approach is in truth extremely idealistic. Individual happiness and couple harmony should be pursued as incentive, not goals. Love as you know at the start of the relationship is bound to end: what is left are values and the commitment to defend family.

These are the fundamental ingredients, despite not sufficient. Like in anything, you need a pinch of good luck.

So, no, you will not live happily ever after, but you will live together, which, as far as I am concerned, is much better.

***
Do you agree with my point of view? I’d love to hear your thoughts, please leave a comment. If you liked this post, you may like also:
Don’t pick a weak man
April’s favorites
Coping with my children’s sleep issues

The post They did not live happily ever after appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

That got me thinking. For starters, that’s good advice. However, what’s the opposite of weak? The dictionary says strong, but in the context of marriage, I feel it should read resilient.
My generation has vowed to kill gender stereotypes. However, we focus mostly on fighting female gender roles, and not reflect on how men are affected by them. In my mind, the word strong connects with a brief moment, with action, power, even biology to a degree. Traditionally, what we used to look for in a man. The word resilient, on the other hand, has the flavour of a reaction, of a deeper and durable attribute.

There’s a word in Finnish which has no good translation and depicts exactly what an ideal husband (or wife) should have. The word is sisu and it’s a mix of grit, determination, and resilience. All qualities you need in a marriage.

I feel the time when virility was the main attribute to search for in a man, was the time when a) women were ready and willing to be subdued, b) divorce was illegal or socially not acceptable. Now these conditions don’t stand anymore. I will go as far as telling that choosing a “traditionally virile” man nowadays is recipe for disaster. Give me a man who can listen, cry, talk about feelings, support, care. Someone I can trust during the hard times, who will not walk away when life gets tough. What I don’t need is someone who wants to make choices for me, nor someone who feels they own me.

Marriage is… interesting, nowadays. I’ve read more than one article which rationalise why we should redefine what modern marriage is. All good arguments, but I’m a romantic and I’m not a quitter. I’m not naive either. I advocate for the legal existence of divorce and I’ll defend any initiative which guarantees freedom to people. I also know that when you marry you make a semi-blind choice which is supposed to last fifty years, betting on all the following life events not to influence it. A big portion of it is pure luck and it’s important to be aware of it and stay humble. Still, I want to live in a world where we can stand by someone else for life. We do it for our children, if we truly commit we are capable to do it for another human being. Luck and life willing.

I want to end this post with one of the truest and most crude description of marriage I’ve heard in a movie. Do you agree? What is marriage to you? What do you look for in a partner for life? Let me know in the comments.

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