The resources I am going to list here are contacts and ideas for when the issues strike. However, there are some ways in which you can mitigate risks when all is calm. Consciously building a support network is essential for expat families (read my tips on how here). Let’s head in.

Peer support

Whatever you are going through, I can assure you, you’re not alone. Connecting with people who are facing similar challenges is a powerful way to gain back hope and start the healing process. Finland is the land of associations. Whatever is happening in your life, there’s an association dealing with it. For example, Leijonaemot gathers parents of children with special needs or Leskiperheet gathers widowed families. The first tip I want to share is for you to dig out some keywords in Finnish and google those with the word “yhdistys” (association), and see what comes out. Even if an association doesn’t have English pages, it does not mean they cannot help you. Try contact them via email before discarding the idea.
There are several supportive Facebook groups of foreigners living in Finland. Smaller groups like Expat mothers in Helsinki/Finland tend to be more tight. If you are, like myself, involved in the adoption world, join our online community (more on its story here).
Projects like Neighbourhood Mothers or Terrible Mothers can help you feel connected to other moms living in Finland.

Mental health support

If you or a member of your family struggles with mental health, you are not an isolated case. 1 every 4 people in Finland has suffered with depression at some point in their life. Anxiety and depression disorders affect about 6% of people living in Finland. Mental healthcare services are offered by municipalities: if you or a member of your family needs therapy or professional help, the best first step is to contact your local healthcare station (terveysasema). This blog post explains very well where to seek help based on the severity of the issue. If your child needs help, seek advice from your local healthcare station. They will request an evaluation and a referral called B-lausunto from a child psychiatrist (read more here).
The nonprofit Mieli offers various services around mental health (check out their new Omamieli service). FinFami is another relevant nonprofit and they focus on supporting family members of people struggling with mental health (see their new multilingual publications here).
It can be tough to find help as a foreigner and there is nothing worse than getting doors slammed in your face when you are most vulnerable. You might find people with the “not my problem” attitude. Improving access to help for foreigners in Finland is one of my personal battles.

Family therapy and counselling

If your family is navigating difficult times (for example divorce or grief), your municipality’s family counselling (perheneuvola) can help. Counselling is free of charge. These are the contact points of Helsinki, Espoo, and Vantaa. The church community offers also free-of-charge couple or family counselling (perheasiain neuvottelukeskus, the service is offered by the church to everyone, not just parishioners, and there is nothing religious attached to it). These two services are not as effective as therapy: in my experience, they are often overbooked and book you in a meeting a month or so. If you need a more intensive intervention, you should look up a couple or family therapist. Kela covers both under its rehabilitation program, but you’ll have to find a Kela-licensed therapist that speaks the language of your choices (not trivial). Nowadays digital platforms cut geographical distances: hiring a therapist in your birth country and running remote sessions might end up being the best cost/benefit solution. Another point of contact is Familia, that offers counselling for intercultural couples.
If things escalate and there are minors in the household, social services can help: read this example story to understand their role in helping families. When I think of social services, I immediately think of drama movies with children getting snatched from their parents’ arms. However, there’s a huge spectrum of interventions in social care. These are examples of help social services can provide to your family.

Hard situations

If you or someone in the family are facing domestic abuse, you can find support resources from Naistenlinja and Nollalinja. Domestic abuse includes emotional violence as well as physical. Domestic violence includes children being aggressive or violent towards other family members: this is a topic surrounded by stigma yet cases of child-on-parent or child-on-sibling violence make for 10% of all reported violence cases in Finland. Violence is violence, period. In emergency cases, please call the police. This publication explains how to identify abuse and where to find help in Finland.
The association Monikanaiset offers assistance in several situation, especially in custody battles or domestic abuses. They also manage a shelter and they have a chat service for victims of domestic violence. Helsingin ensikoti provides residence for pregnant women and mothers with children if they are facing housing crises; their communities have a therapeutic approach and help new families navigate difficult circumstances.
Custody battles are a common hard challenge faced by many families. Monikanaiset offers support in those situations as well. If your child was abducted by your ex-partner or if you suspect she is at risk to be abducted, find more information and support from Abducted Children NGO.

Hotlines and anonymous support

I am including here some anonymous and confidential hotlines you might call to get help. Mind you, many of these reply in Finnish, but given how many Finns speak fluent English, you can try and take the chance to call in anyway.
ADHD league advice line. tel: 040 541 7696, Mon-Thu 9-12.
Advice on children’s sleep. tel: 040 587 4608, Thu 9-12.
Advice and support on breastfeeding. tel.  09 4241 5300, Tue 21-22, Thu 20:30-21:30, Fri 13-14.
Peer support for parents of children with special needs. tel. 045 869 8335, Wed 10-14 or place a call-back request.
Mental health hotline (in several languages).
PPD and baby blues peer support. tel. 040 746 7424, check the updated schedule here.
Chat and hotline to support parents by MLL. tel. 0800 92277 (free toll), Mon-Tue 10-13 and 17-20, Wed 10-13, Thu 14-20.
Divorce and child custody advice hotline. tel. 020 774 9800. Mon-Thu 10-16, Wed 10-19.
Substance abuse hotline. tel. 0800 900 45 (toll free), available 24/7.
Family crisis hotlines, tel. 09 8164 2439 (Western Uusimaa, incl. Espoo) / tel. 09 310 44222 (Helsinki) / tel. 09 8392 4005 (Vantaa) / to find the number for your municipality look up “Social Emergency Services“, available 24/7.

Featured image created by Catherine Cordasco.

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What is Kamalat äidit about?

Kamalat äidit® (Terrible Mothers) is a nationwide project that has been operating for 15 years. Our mission is simple: to offer peer support groups for mothers of teenagers. In our groups, we talk about everyday life, challenges and joys of living with an adolescent. We support and empower each other, by sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in a safe and warm space. We are currently developing MKA (monikulttuurinen Kamalat äidit), our multicultural activities.

Why did you choose this name for the initiative?

Our name “Kamalat äidit” means Terrible Moms. Our project started in Oulu in 2005 and has been catching attention ever since. We registered its name and model in 2013, and became officially Kamalat äidit®. I love that name, it’s a way to own something that may otherwise be heavy, either because your teenage kid calls you a terrible mom or because you feel yourself like a terrible mother. You’re allowed to feel like you feel and it’s ok. And when you meet others, you realise that you’re actually awesome, terrible moms.

How does it work in practice? 

Our groups are led by two peer support group counsellors. If at least two potential volunteers identify a need in their city and they get in touch with us, we visit and offer them a training to start a group. Our volunteers are very independent and they get to build their groups. In practice our groups gather 4 to 10 moms, 10 times. The groups meet once a week or twice a month, depending on the availability of the peer support group leaders. Each session has a theme and exercises, but we always give priority to the discussions.

Can participants preserve their identity if they wish?

On our online groups it’s been very easy for our participants to be anonymous. For the face-to-facee groups it’s different. Participants can share with others what they feel like sharing. Participants are free to preserve their family members by not sharing their names and it is part of our rules to make sure that information that could identify our participants are not disclosed. We also have a strict rule on confidentiality (what happens during the meetings can not be shared outside the group). Our groups are based on mutual trust and a feeling of being safe, and we make sure that it stays that way. 

Are facilitators YWCA staff?

In some cases, Kamalat äidit staff may be part of the group. But most of the time, the groups are led by two volunteers. When a volunteer and a staff member are leading a group, the staff member always make sure to give the maximum space possible to the volunteer.

If facilitators are volunteers, what kind of support do they get?

The network of volunteers we have all around Finland is I think one of our biggest joy. Our volunteers are first of all trained. They get to know our organization, our project and the way the groups work. We go through the sessions’ themes with them, and work on their own peer support group leaders skills (group dynamics, facilitation). We also work with them on their own motivation. After this training, we support them to find participants for the group that they want to create. We offer them personalized support and guidance once the group has started. If they need help with a specific topic, need extra material or extra help for a participant, we also make sure that it is available. We organize meetings and trainings for our volunteers in different places in Finland several times a year.
With our multicultural activities, we are also planning into giving specific trainings on the theme of multiculturality, cultural sensitivity or multilingual work for example.

Do you have groups in languages other than Finnish? And is it possible to start new ones in other languages?

Until now, we have had almost only exclusively groups in Finnish. My job now is to develop our multicultural activities, and languages are at the center of it! We are going to have groups in Finnish, English and Spanish in autumn 2020. We strongly encourage mothers of teenagers who would like to volunteer or participate in English or in Spanish to get in touch with us, as we are going to have our volunteers training in both these languages in June 2020. If you want to start a group in your city or if you want to participate in one of our groups, let us know!
For next year, we are working on developing groups in other languages, and we are very open to discuss it with other NGOs, cities and of course women who want to volunteer!
I’d like to tell a little bit about our multicultural activities, that I am in charge to develop. Our goal is to make sure that our groups are open to mothers who experience multiculturality in their lives. Of course foreign moms are welcome, but also Finnish moms living in multicultural or multilingual families, adoptive mothers, as well as moms who feel that multiculturality is an important factor for them and who want to share with moms from different horizons.

What range of topics do the groups cover usually? Do they include hard stuff (drugs, eating disorders…)? If a mother needs this specific kind of peer support, do you help her match to other moms who deal with the same?

Our groups’ priority is to create a space for the mothers to talk about what they want. We have a general structure for our groups, some of our themes are daily life challenges, parenthood, set limits and rules… We have low threshold themes as well as deeper ones, exploring the mothers relations to their own youth, motherhood or the future. Difficult topics are of course discussed in our groups. Some mothers inform us when they register about a specific situation that they face or a specific topic that they need to open up about. Use of drugs, sexuality, eating disorders, school issues, gaming and phone addiction, are topics that come up very often. One very powerful thing that happens in our groups is that very often the moms realize that they are not alone, that other families go through similar situations, and that others can understand and support, without judging or having to explain. Our groups are nevertheless not therapies, even though they can have therapeutic effects. Our volunteers are trained to recognize the situations in which they should direct our participants to professional help, and the staff is always ready to support them.

Can you share some success stories or positive feedback you have received from mothers?

I can share with you some feedback that we received in Finnish.

”Tämä oli minulle hyvä henkireikä. Niin siis kiva, mahtava.” (This was a lifeline for me. So nice, awesome)
”Aina saa tukea, tsemppiä, voimaa.” (You always get support, energy, strength)
”Ryhmässä uskalsi puhua ja sai voimaa.” (In the group I dared to speak and I got strength)

Our multicultural activities have received a lot of positive interest from mothers, volunteers and professionals. I’d love to come back next year to keep you updated on a success story for a multicultural mother and her family.

Do you have groups for fathers as well? Did you get requests to start any?

We don’t have groups for fathers. Our organization is a women’s organization, and our motto is “courageous and loving acts by women”. We focus on mothers, knowing that their empowerment and wellbeing will also affect positively the whole family. We welcome all mothers.

If someone wants to sign up to a group or become a facilitator, what do they have to do?

They can write to [email protected]. Just mention that you’re interested in our multicultural activities and you’ll be put in touch with me.

Are you a Terrible Mother? Don’t be shy to connect with other moms or start a group yourself. You will never be alone in facing the challenges of parenting a teen.

Featured image by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.

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Nordic Nannies is a service provider connecting families and carers. Mareena herself has worked as a nanny for roughly 20 years across seven countries. She is very aware of what skills candidates should have, what needs families have, as well as what it means to be an immigrant.

“I know a lot about moving from Finland, applying for jobs abroad in the nanny industry, how to enter a new family and make a life there, working and living abroad in a new country and a new culture”, she says. Many international families in Finland lack family support and several look for childcare solutions, even temporarily.

Mareena can match families with different profiles. There’s the well-known au-pairs, young people seeking for a low-cost cultural experience in exchange for some help with childcare and house chores. Such arrangements usually last 6 months top. Similarly, elderly companions can assist older people with daily life for up to a year. If a family is looking for longer placements, Mareena can match them professional nannies. One interesting profile is the one of governess or gouverneur, that is a private teacher. Home-schooling is legal in Finland – although extremely rare – and some families moving from abroad might benefit from temporarily home-schooling their children. For example, hiring a Finnish private teacher could help school-age children transition more easily in a new language and education system. Some families move to Finland in the middle of the school year or miss to get one of the few places at the international schools, and a private teacher could help bridge the school year.

Mareena started Nordic Nannies primarily to offer young Finns a chance to work abroad. In time, the business evolved and now she is capable of matching families, living both in Finland and abroad, with carers with various backgrounds, language skills, and countries of origin.

“Having worked myself here in Finland I know the system, for example how families can apply to Kela grants helping with the costs of childcare.”

This is particularly relevant for expat families, who might struggle finding out what benefits and rules are. There are several benefits that make hiring domestic help cheaper or provide tax cuts. Mareena is happy to assist families with questions regarding taxes and labour in Finland. Thinking of expats in Finland, I asked if she would be willing to find carers speaking the family’s minority language. She replied: “I have capabilities of finding candidates in other countries, in addition to Finns. I have networks and I am collaborating with other agencies. It’s definitely possible. I have many contacts among British nannies, but also some in Asia. Obviously with candidates from countries outside the EU can be issues with visas and it might take time. In the past I have also hired foreign candidates that were already in Finland. I am not lacking candidates like that”. Moreover, if a child has special needs, she has also capability of finding a nanny with training or previous experience with the condition.

Mareena works as a consultant and a recruiter. She requests an initial fee and a one-time contribution for a successful placement. If you will mention The Elephant Mum when you register, you’ll get a 10% off the placement fee (offer valid until 30.6.2020).

The best satisfaction of her job? “The most rewarding thing is when the family contacts me after few weeks and they are happy, everything is going well, they say it’s so easy, they come home from work and everything is taken care of… when it works for both parties, the nanny is happy and treated well”.

Featured picture by Dorothe Wouters on Unsplash.

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These are my tips from 9+ years living in Finland. My husband and I are both expats and we juggle a family of two toddlers and, occasionally, a preteen. Some of our kids have special needs and we are both working full-time. These years haven’t been short of challenges and we could have never pulled it out without the tips I’m about to share.

Understand that you’re not alone

My first tip is to realise that there are many parents struggling with this – pretty much every expat parent. Few lucky ones have family of their Finnish spouse to help a little, but many do not have any support at all. Even when you have relatives living in the same continent, you won’t have the short-notice daily help many local families count upon. How does this help? Well, I have found people in my same situation and in emergencies I know I can ask them help because they get it 100%. They understand how important my requests are and don’t underestimate my struggle. Similarly, I try to pay it forward and offer my support when I have slack and someone is struggling. Slowly build your tribe.

Create a Whatsapp group

Years ago I was introduced to a private Google Group gathering other Italian women living in Finland. It included some who had been living in Finland for 20 years as well as newcomers. The main rule, you were included only by invitation if you knew at least one group member IRL. This restriction made it a safe space. Later we created a Whatsapp group as spin-off. This chat group became a huge part of my everyday life. I use to ask quick questions or stir discussions, often on private matters that I don’t want to expose on a Facebook group with strangers. I also enjoy I get to speak in my native language and we often make inside jokes only Italian people get. We sometime organise dinners, support each other, and stay connected to our birth culture. Create your own group. Start with few fellow expat moms or parents you know, and slowly expand.

Build your lifestyle mindfully

We have been very intentional over the years about choosing jobs that would allow our lifestyle and work-life balance. For example being able to do remote work is essential for both of us. We also need a workplace and managers that are considerate towards our family requirements. We need flexitime. Few months ago I was enticing the possibility of working for a company in US. I soon rejected the idea, simply because I cannot afford to work with a company that has less work-life balance or no family friendly policies or incompatible timezones. I know expats struggle to build their career in Finland, but try to make sensible choices wherever you can.

Hire professionals to help

Our lifestyle is peculiar. In many periods of our life here, professional help was not a luxury, it was a necessity. We have invested time and effort in finding professionals that we could afford to better manage our household. Two examples are babysitters and cleaning services. And I found them cheap (and legal).
We hired teens in our neighbourhood for both and paid 10-15 euros/hour. We paid them (along with taxes) through the online tax service Palkka. For some time when our daughter was small, we found we needed someone to pick her up from daycare regularly, at least once a week. I surveyed her classmates’ parents and found one mom willing to help. She made few extra bucks and our girl was excited she got to go to regular playdates with a friend. It was convenient since this mom lived in the area and had to visit the daycare to pick up her son anyway. Similarly, we had months where we could not find time or energy to clean the house regularly. We hired a teen and she would come for a couple of hours every week. It wasn’t professional cleaning but it was enough to keep us out of the social services’ radar (JK).

Explore available resources

There are many hidden resources for families in Finland. It might take time, tons of internet research, and a million questions shot around, but you can find some. For example, perheneuvola offers free family counselling. Neuvola has a service for overtired parents, where a nurse babysits your baby for free while you take a long nap. There are free mental health hotlines and Kela reimburses a good amount of therapy services’ fees. Many parents of small children work reduced hours (I think employers have to concede them – check with your union). In times of crises, I have even used the free-of-charge babysitting services available in some malls (like Sello).

Ask for help

This is general advice. Expat family life is tough. It is. I know people who are in therapy solely for that. It can be alienating and lonely, full of invisible struggles that surrounding locals, sometime even your Finnish partner, simply do not get. It’s okay to ask for help from fellow expats, other parents, your partner, your work manager, a therapist, professionals. Be open about your experience and struggle. Be honest with yourself. Have self-compassion. Build solid self-care routines.

I won’t lie, a lot of my energy goes into making up for the support we don’t have here. An expat’s support network is dynamic: the friends you make may move away. Some friendships even start with an expiration date, as their plan is to stay temporarily. It’s part of the game and you need to accept it. Your family’s needs will change in time and you oughta be creative and proactive. For few months I regularly exchanged babysitting favours with a neighbour. I have a couple of Finnish moms in the neighbourhood on speed dial for emergency daycare pickups. Occasionally I have tactically scheduled playdates for both kids at the same time to have a couple of spare hours. You will learn to play the game. Sometime you’ll need to just push through or stop and reassess your prioritise. It’s hard, mama (or papa), but you’ve got it!

Do you have other tips for fellow expat parents? Please share them in the comments section!

If you liked this post, you might appreciate also:
Things you need to know as an expat parent in Finland
Moving to Finland? Gotcha.
Anxieties of an immigrant parent.

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#1. Bonding

Reading is quality time you spend with your children. It’s about cutting a quiet moment out of a busy day, sitting down, and focusing on interacting with them. For children, attention equals love. Reading together is a fantastic opportunity for connection. My son is a lively boy, yet he is always willing to sit down whenever I offer to read to him. It is a special moment we shared.

#2. Enrich language(s)

No matter if you are a monolingual or a multilingual family, reading is a phenomenal tool to expand your child’s vocabulary. Beside the “classic” illustrated books of words, I make a point of picking books that display as many different situations and contexts as possible: family, school, play, fantasy worlds, animals, and so on. Books introduce children to terms that rarely belong to spoken language. I am very proud of how rich our children’s vocabulary is, and I guarantee that most of the credit goes to all the hours we spent reading together.

#3. Cultivate culture(s)

Children can learn plenty about other cultures from reading and watching illustrations. We have built a good collection of books about India, the minority culture in our family. We regularly read about traditions, festivals, deities, stories, and more. Books can be windows into other countries or cultures.

#4. Teach values

I regularly mine libraries and online stores to find children’s reads that teach our family’s set of values, such as kindness, compassion, diversity, respect for others. I have used books to teach my children how to say no, to respect others’ boundaries, and much more. Personally we are not believers, but books can be a way to introduce the child to the family’s religion(s). I have proof that this works, because my children often comment real life’s situations referring to the stories we read.

#5. Support development milestones

Tales can be a parent’s best friend during challenging times like… potty training. I have used books to help my children give up the pacifier, toilet train, sleep better, calm fears, start daycare, start school… I mean, we ourselves often turn to self-help books to improve our lives, relationships, businesses, so why can’t it be the same for kids?

#6. Educate

I use books to introduce my children to cool subjects like robotics, space, how the human body works. Beside “curricular subjects”, stories have supported also the emotional development of my children (read my top 10 children’s books to explore feelings). Whether you teach life skills or academic knowledge, your children have a lot to gain from books.

Reading is a cornerstone of our family life and a huge superpower for parents. I hope I have convinced you to pick up reading to children as a habit. I recommend you include it in your routine. Choose a moment of the day when you can commit to do it daily, like bedtime or during morning commute. I promise, you will not go back.

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“In many countries where children were given up for adoption, the social and economic situation as well as child protection [services] have improved, so there’s less need for international adoptions” 

Kristiina Mattinen, regional director of Save the Children Finland.

…aaand that was the coffee-spitting moment for me. I don’t accept this explanation and this is why.

For the casual reader that has dropped here from a Facebook share or a Google search, few words of introduction. I’m an Italian immigrant living in Finland and few years ago I adopted my youngest child from India through the Finnish system. The Finnish adoption system is very different from, say, the US one. While US has an “adoption-as-a-business” model, with about 3000 adoption agencies competing against each other, the Finnish one jumps on the opposite end of the spectrum and goes full-mode monopoly. Now, if you held me at gunpoint, I would choose the Finnish way. It’s definitely more respectful of the principles which, at least on paper, should govern all adoptions worldwide, that is “the best interest of the child“.

However, I refuse to digest the statement above. Currently, there are three adoption agencies serving families in Finland. One is about to close down and for years has not been accepting new applicants. Agencies have split countries they work with, which means competition is utterly non-existent. Agencies also work with a very limited number of children’s homes in every country. This is not a bad thing per se: they do so because they have strong standards and policies their partners have to comply to. Agency staff regularly travels to visit the structures and control for risks like child trafficking or neglect. These children’s homes potentially work with other countries as well. Not all children in a home are eligible for international adoption. Now, back to the Finnish side. A prospect adoptive family cannot adopt any child: Finnish and international law, as well as the family’s preferences, restrict the possibilities quite a lot. For example the age of the parents or the ages of other children in the family pose plenty of restrictions on the child you can adopt.

To recap, you start from a very limited set of possibilities, filter over and over and guess what: you are left with an empty set. Because of this system, prospect adopters are left with long waits, several years. A practical example: if you decide to adopt from South Africa, you are required to wait for two years just on the Finnish side. Two years before you can even send your documentation there. Then there’s the real wait on the South Africa’s side.

The emotional toll of international adoption in Finland is terrible and frankly, needless. I’m sorry but I do not accept that explanation under this conditions. If we want to have a real conversation about this, let’s start from publicly discussing why Valvira does not even have a process to allow opening new adoption agencies or why there’s an interest in keeping this monopoly situation at the expenses of hopeful families. I’m willing to have a conversation. But don’t feed me that.

Edit 8.8.2019 h 10.20
– I was informed that the article is a cut version of this (in Finnish) that lists more reasons for the plummeting. That’s relieving;
– I never doubted that the reason quoted above is true. I know it is and the drop is a worldwide phenomenon due to various factors (fertility treatments more popular, some countries closed adoptions, better global conditions, etc.). I simply don’t believe the statement above is so relevant in the context of adoptions in Finland, given how restrictive regulations and processes are;
– I stand 100% by my statement that currently the adoption process is needlessly stressful and demanding. 18 months to draft and approve a home study are simply too long (it’s 3-6 months in US, for comparison). Resources of the agencies are too limited. A review of processes would be most welcome.
– I don’t doubt anyone’s intentions. Not calling out any conspiracy, just praying for questioning processes and for improving what doesn’t work so well. From my perspective, there are too many silos.

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My husband and I, both Italian, migrated to Finland for economic and lifestyle motivations. I have put together a shortlist of blessings we hardly would enjoy in Italy. Finland is not the perfect country – no such place exists – and you’ll regularly find me criticising what doesn’t work here. However, it’s very clear to me that living in Finland is what enables me to pursue my personal values and dreams. This is why.

#1 Work-life balance

Work-life balance in Finland is possible, even encouraged by workplaces, policies, and peers. Office hours take place between 8 am and 4 pm, and many employers allow flexible hours and remote working. Daycare and schools schedules are in sync with working life. If your child is sick or you need to take few hours off for family reasons, no one blinks. No matter your role in the company, everyone understands if you have to reschedule a meeting to attend a parent-teacher conference. This all sounds reasonable, but I do not take it for granted. Italy is upside down on this topic and sometime I wonder why Italian employers choose to live in denial of the reality that people have kids and that the latter need adult care. My husband and I wanted kids, but it seemed like an impossible dream back in Italy. We moved here primarily because we knew the conditions were favourable.

#2 Gender equality

Italian society is a patriarchal one and it’s tough to be a woman there. The harassment is basically constant – I grew up thinking being groped in clubs was simply part of the female experience – and humiliations occur daily. Female employment rate is less than 50%, mostly because gender norms and inadequate policies force women to turns into housewives, willing or not. No matter how smart, well educated, or capable I was, I knew I had limited career chances back home. I noticed the huge difference in the first two months I spent in Finland. My new university classmates never once underlined I was a woman and treated me like a human being, a peer. I never considered this was even possible! I knew instantly that was how I wanted to feel the rest of my life. Finland still faces gender issues (for example domestic violence), but it always tops gender equality rankings worldwide.

#3 Support for families

There is a long list of governmental benefits awarded to families with children in Finland. Starting from the famous Finnish baby box, a huge package of goodies gifted to every family welcoming a child, families also receive a monthly payment for every child, a place in public daycare (which is excellent), and much more. There is also plenty of free or cheap events for families, and a lively cultural landscape for kids.

#4 Nature at our doorstep

I always wished my children would grow in close contact with nature. Around 72% of Finland’s total land area is covered in forest. Moreover, Nordic lifestyle is deeply linked to nature, with most Finns used to fishing, picking berries, hiking, cooking on open fire, collecting wild mushrooms, and so on. I love how life here is dictated by the regular rhythm of seasons. We live in an urban area, yet we are surrounded by forest and lakes. Our daughter just ended the year at her “forest daycare”, where she spent day after day playing in nature – no matter the weather – and learning to name plants, mushrooms, and animals. In a world plagued by environmental disasters and exponential urbanisation, it feels incredible we are allowed to enjoy the best of two worlds in perfect harmony, urban and nature.

#5 Career opportunities

Despite Finnish job market still being hard to navigate for foreigners, we both had a lively career in the past 8 years. As a woman, I am grateful I am allowed to work – as I mentioned in the paragraph above, it wasn’t for granted back in Italy. We have worked in different workplaces and accumulated a great variety of international experiences. We were given roles of responsibility, which is something you can hardly hope for back in our birth country.

#6 Our children’s education

The Finnish school system is renowned worldwide for being one of the best in the world. Not only the education delivered is of top quality, but the Finnish education system is low-stress for children. You can find plenty of articles online detailing its recipe for success. Back in Italy, school programmes are pretty much the same as 50 years ago (can you believe I was never delivered any sex ed, but one hour a week of Catholic religion for 13 years?!). Here, children learn also important life skills, like cooking, woodwork, and so on. As a family, we feel blessed that our kids can access the best education which, by the way, is 100% free up to college degree.

#7 A society founded on equality

Finnish society, like any, has its contradictions, but it is undoubtedly founded on the value of equality. There’s a collective agreement that every human being should access certain services and live with dignity. This becomes concrete in many ways. For example free education (and I mean free: no books, no uniforms, no fees) comes from the belief that every child has a right to it. Similarly, the welfare system – which is not source of shame and pretty much everyone claims some benefit from – grants a decent income for everyone. Access to healthcare is universal. It goes on and on. Again, there are issues we are working on, but the pull towards equality is strong and it’s one of the aspects I love the most about Finland. I often repeat that if there’s one place in the world where we can hope for positive change, that’s Finland.

#8 Kids’ independence

Back in Italy, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself until I was about 12. Not even the shop across the street. My parents worked turns as my drivers until I turned 18. This is unfortunately very common. The stereotype of the Italian child sees him living at home until he’s over 30. I’m afraid it’s quite realistic. Children in Finland are encouraged to grow independent since early years. For example, daycare staff hardly help 4 year olds to dress up to go outside. A 5 year old is supposed to be able to tie her shoelaces. School age children normally walk to school on their own! I love this. This aspect of my children’s upbringing is bearing fruits already now that they are 4 and 6. I can see how they are growing to be independent and confident problem solvers.

#9 The quiet

I didn’t really know what silence was before moving here. Italian people are famous shouters. I love the quiet nights here, not a sound polluting the air. I love to stroll in quiet forests, walking away from the sound of cars passing on the street. Even Helsinki city center is quiet! People are soft spoken and respectful of shared spaces. I have grown so used to this peace that I often struggle to sleep well when I travel.

#10 Honest people

One of the major sources of stress for my husband and me back in Italy was the fear of being cheated. Corruption in Italy is common place, not only in places of power, but also in everyday life. Professionals try to cheat you with false quotes or by selling you fake products. Italian people generally feel they are above the law. We felt under siege pretty much all the time. Here in Finland it’s the complete opposite: most people are honest and rule-abiding. Here we can relax and lower our defences.

What do you think, would you still like to live in Italy other than Finland? Italy will always have a special place in my heart and I hopefully will always be able to visit when I miss it. However, it’s crystal clear to me that Finland is the place for me to raise a family and enjoy life. Thank you, Finland.

P.S. Hey Finland, I won’t stop challenging your flaws simply because I love you, I want you to only grow better, and never lose your status of heavenly place. Yours truly XX.

The post 10 Reasons Why I Am Grateful I Live In Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Is my vulnerability as a foreigner cutting opportunities for my children?

The post Anxieties Of An Immigrant Parent appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I hope you have enjoyed listening. To know more about expat life in Finland, visit this page or start from my crash guide. If you yourself are an expat in Finland or somewhere, I would love to hear about your experience. Do you relate to my story? Any tips to share? Comment down below and let me know.

Featured picture by The Slow Photography.

The post Raising A Family In Finland – Guest On The Expat Focus Podcast appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

A foreword on Scandinavian societies

Scandinavian societies are cool because they are founded on the value of equality. However, there’s a dark side to it: different and stranger become synonyms with bad. Individualism, may it be in the form of personal success or struggle, is generally despised. Entire books have been written on the topic (see for example The Almost Nearly Perfect People by Michael Booth) and here I’m only trying to give a rough idea of how things are. It doesn’t help that Finland is a relatively young and small country, kept together by a mild nationalistic sentiment. We, as foreigners, start off with the wrong foot in this country by definition. As of 2019, integration plans still aim to annihilate diversity and make foreigners melt into the homogeneous Finnish society. This is why you yourself have to be extremely aware of what your needs are and make informed choices. Diversity is simply not a value in Finnish society.

Define your own integration goals

Moving to a new country is stressful and many expats are in a rush to find a job. However, it pays off to take a moment to collect the facts and evaluate one’s decisions when it comes to deciding an integration path. There are several weights influencing the decision to learn Finnish language. In 9 years in Finland I have identified some.

Language level: people often talk about language learning like it’s a binary experience, either you know a language or you don’t. The reality is that language is multidimensional and tied to different contexts, vocabulary, writing skills, speaking and listening abilities. Try to imagine your life in Finland and assess what you will need language for. Do you need to understand mostly what’s going on in everyday life or you want to learn to read newspapers? Do you need Finnish for work or in your social life? Set your objectives, that’s a crucial first step.
Location: while the Helsinki area is international and liberal, other towns are not. If you live away from the capital area, probably you don’t have much of a choice than to learn Finnish.
Mobility: how long do you plan to be in Finland? Learning the local language takes years. My rule of thumb is not to engage if you plan to stay less than 6 years in Finland.
Work: what field would you like to work in? Some careers can be built with no Finnish knowledge (ex. IT), but in others you cannot do without (ex. hospitality, architects, …).
Resources: as mentioned above, learning Finnish is potentially a years-long affair, unless you have a personal talent for languages. To give you an idea, I could speak my first sentence after a year and a half of courses. Finnish grammar is hell. Are you ready to commit to time and money?
Social life: what kind of social life do you see yourself having? What are your hobbies and is Finnish language needed?
Active participation in society: is being up to date on news and having an active role in society important to you? If so, reading newspapers and debating would require fluent Finnish.

Finnish language and parenting

In the previous section, I have listed variables having to do with you as an individual. Parenting a child in Finland adds another dimension and a set of new angles.
A Finnish spouse: if your spouse is Finnish, knowing their native language could mean having a more active role in family interactions. Finnish could potentially become the shared family language (but don’t stop speaking your minority language with your child!).
You child’s social life: if your child is learning Finnish, it means she will have a circle of local friends. Knowing the basics allows you to interact with other parents at the daycare or school, feel confident when little friends visit for playdates, etc.
School interaction: I have only experience with daycare so far, but from what I have heard school-parent communications intensify in volume and content complexity when a child starts school. Not everything is translated into English and in some social occasions (ex. parents’ meetings or Whatsapp groups) the information flow will be solely in Finnish. If you have a Finnish spouse, no problemo. If you don’t, evaluate how involved you wish to be in your child’s school life. Put it down like that, it sounds like a leading phrase, but if you are one of those parents who’d rather die than be sucked into the school parents’ ecosystem, being a foreigner may become your Get Out of Jail Free card.

Is Swedish a viable alternative?

Again, the answer is maybe. Swedish-speaking Finns will try and sell it to you that Swedish is an official language, at the very same level than Finnish. You can totally live with Swedish language, yay! Don’t believe them. However, you shouldn’t trash the idea. Again, you should make a careful evaluation of your needs and plans.
– Swedish language is way easier (less stress, less time, less money)
– Swedish language skill are useful also in Sweden
– the community of Swedish-speaking Finns is tight and they tend to be more sensitive to the struggles of immigrants, being themselves a minority. In that group, everyone knows everyone: you have a shortcut to networking, which is essential in Finland. On the other hand, word travels fast in small communities, so abandon your hopes for discretion.
– being it an official language, communication in public offices or services is always offered in Swedish as well.

I warmly recommend this All Points North podcast episode to explore this alternative more in depth.

In case you wanna give Finnish a try…

The silver lining to the obsession of integration actors with Finnish language is that you will have all opportunities to do so if you wish to. Integration plans sponsor immigrants who want to give it a try. There are all sorts of courses: intensive, regular, even courses aimed at parents taking care of their children at home. This website collects Finnish courses all over Finland. The best in Helsinki are those offered by the Language Centre. The summer university also offers some. There are Finnish language cafes (kielikahvila) to help train speaking skills.

While this post may sound disillusioned and at points bitter, my main message is: choose the integration path that is best for you. Having children may influence your decision. Or things may change and you can revisit it later. To date, foreigners in Finland are pushed to learn the language indiscriminately of who they are, what they plan, what lifestyle they have. I hope these information will empower some to make informed and personal decisions when it comes to integration.

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