These are my tips from 9+ years living in Finland. My husband and I are both expats and we juggle a family of two toddlers and, occasionally, a preteen. Some of our kids have special needs and we are both working full-time. These years haven’t been short of challenges and we could have never pulled it out without the tips I’m about to share.

Understand that you’re not alone

My first tip is to realise that there are many parents struggling with this – pretty much every expat parent. Few lucky ones have family of their Finnish spouse to help a little, but many do not have any support at all. Even when you have relatives living in the same continent, you won’t have the short-notice daily help many local families count upon. How does this help? Well, I have found people in my same situation and in emergencies I know I can ask them help because they get it 100%. They understand how important my requests are and don’t underestimate my struggle. Similarly, I try to pay it forward and offer my support when I have slack and someone is struggling. Slowly build your tribe.

Create a Whatsapp group

Years ago I was introduced to a private Google Group gathering other Italian women living in Finland. It included some who had been living in Finland for 20 years as well as newcomers. The main rule, you were included only by invitation if you knew at least one group member IRL. This restriction made it a safe space. Later we created a Whatsapp group as spin-off. This chat group became a huge part of my everyday life. I use to ask quick questions or stir discussions, often on private matters that I don’t want to expose on a Facebook group with strangers. I also enjoy I get to speak in my native language and we often make inside jokes only Italian people get. We sometime organise dinners, support each other, and stay connected to our birth culture. Create your own group. Start with few fellow expat moms or parents you know, and slowly expand.

Build your lifestyle mindfully

We have been very intentional over the years about choosing jobs that would allow our lifestyle and work-life balance. For example being able to do remote work is essential for both of us. We also need a workplace and managers that are considerate towards our family requirements. We need flexitime. Few months ago I was enticing the possibility of working for a company in US. I soon rejected the idea, simply because I cannot afford to work with a company that has less work-life balance or no family friendly policies or incompatible timezones. I know expats struggle to build their career in Finland, but try to make sensible choices wherever you can.

Hire professionals to help

Our lifestyle is peculiar. In many periods of our life here, professional help was not a luxury, it was a necessity. We have invested time and effort in finding professionals that we could afford to better manage our household. Two examples are babysitters and cleaning services. And I found them cheap (and legal).
We hired teens in our neighbourhood for both and paid 10-15 euros/hour. We paid them (along with taxes) through the online tax service Palkka. For some time when our daughter was small, we found we needed someone to pick her up from daycare regularly, at least once a week. I surveyed her classmates’ parents and found one mom willing to help. She made few extra bucks and our girl was excited she got to go to regular playdates with a friend. It was convenient since this mom lived in the area and had to visit the daycare to pick up her son anyway. Similarly, we had months where we could not find time or energy to clean the house regularly. We hired a teen and she would come for a couple of hours every week. It wasn’t professional cleaning but it was enough to keep us out of the social services’ radar (JK).

Explore available resources

There are many hidden resources for families in Finland. It might take time, tons of internet research, and a million questions shot around, but you can find some. For example, perheneuvola offers free family counselling. Neuvola has a service for overtired parents, where a nurse babysits your baby for free while you take a long nap. There are free mental health hotlines and Kela reimburses a good amount of therapy services’ fees. Many parents of small children work reduced hours (I think employers have to concede them – check with your union). In times of crises, I have even used the free-of-charge babysitting services available in some malls (like Sello).

Ask for help

This is general advice. Expat family life is tough. It is. I know people who are in therapy solely for that. It can be alienating and lonely, full of invisible struggles that surrounding locals, sometime even your Finnish partner, simply do not get. It’s okay to ask for help from fellow expats, other parents, your partner, your work manager, a therapist, professionals. Be open about your experience and struggle. Be honest with yourself. Have self-compassion. Build solid self-care routines.

I won’t lie, a lot of my energy goes into making up for the support we don’t have here. An expat’s support network is dynamic: the friends you make may move away. Some friendships even start with an expiration date, as their plan is to stay temporarily. It’s part of the game and you need to accept it. Your family’s needs will change in time and you oughta be creative and proactive. For few months I regularly exchanged babysitting favours with a neighbour. I have a couple of Finnish moms in the neighbourhood on speed dial for emergency daycare pickups. Occasionally I have tactically scheduled playdates for both kids at the same time to have a couple of spare hours. You will learn to play the game. Sometime you’ll need to just push through or stop and reassess your prioritise. It’s hard, mama (or papa), but you’ve got it!

Do you have other tips for fellow expat parents? Please share them in the comments section!

If you liked this post, you might appreciate also:
Things you need to know as an expat parent in Finland
Moving to Finland? Gotcha.
Anxieties of an immigrant parent.

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We reconnected not long ago and I found out that she had radically changed her career and her lifestyle. We met over lunch and I got so hooked on her inspirational story that I asked if I could share it here on my blog.

Meet Stefania. (Pic: Stefania Yoga & Wellness)

Stefania lives with her Finnish husband in Helsinki. They have two lively young children who speak Italian and Finnish. Until last year, she used to work in sales in a design company, struggling to balance a full-time job and family – I know very well what that’s about! She didn’t feel fulfilled at her workplace, but couldn’t easily see any alternative. Then one day, after a snowboarding accident, she was forced on a sick leave and got some time to think what her next move would be. The stress she accumulated in the previous years and her health issues put her moods down, but she found genuine solace in practicing yoga. She questioned her lifestyle and forced herself to define what her life purpose truly was. What was her place in the universe? This part fascinates me terribly, as I recently did the same thing and I know how deeply liberating the passage is. Not long ago I read the fantastic book by Rachel Hollis Girl Wash Your Face (if you haven’t yet, log in to your Amazon account and buy it, I’ll wait for you). Rachel does a great job at inspiring and empowering fellow women and she always says write it down or say it out loud. There’s an incredible power in formulating in words what your goal or purpose is. You may need help in pinpointing it – I know I did – because it may be buried under loads and loads of negative thoughts, undermining comments, anxiety, feminine natural tendency of self-sacrifice. But once you find your life purpose, once you say the words and they click perfectly, you cannot go back. It may take some more time adjusting your life to pursue it – my current phase – but for the first time you know exactly what direction to head to and what is side-tracking you.

Pic: Stefania Yoga and Wellness

Back to Stefania’s story, she reacted promptly and embarked on a life adventure. She left her secure job, kicked-off her trainings as a yoga teacher, a nutrition and health coach, and started her own company. Beside that, she started living by what she was preaching. She modelled her own lifestyle based on what she was learning, began living mindfully and empowering others to do the same. We recently became “Headspace buddies” and poke each other to make sure we both meditate daily. I have attended her yoga class Gentle Flow at the studio Saga Yoga and I loved it. Her calm voice guides you, her warm sense of humour reminds you not to take life too seriously. Before attending her class, I was nervous. Yoga sounded like something a “pregnant-in-heels” kind of mom would do, while I am in sweatpants on my best days. In her class, I didn’t feel out of place. It was intimate, relaxed, and I loved that she gave us the opportunity to adapt every exercise to our needs (and flexibility!). When I shared more about my health issues, she gifted me with precious advice and allowed me to transition from a powerless and passive state, to feel I still had a chance to be in charge of my body. Her holistic and individual approach can really shift the game.

Stefania currently has a regular mother-baby yoga class at Bay Helsinki on Mondays 9:30-10:30 for new mothers. I think back of when I had my daughter and I would have loved an activity where I would meet other moms and where I would be able to feel in charge of my body as well as take care of it. She also offers classes to corporate clients. Think how amazing it would be to break or conclude your work day with a hour yoga! You also have your team day activity served on silver plate here. She works also as an individual health coach. Her clients simply want to feel good, maybe they have some small joint pain they cannot get rid of, or they don’t feel well and don’t know where to start to feel better.

Mother and baby yoga class. Pic: Stefania Yoga and Wellness

I am so impressed and inspired by how Stefania took charge of her life and did not simply turn her head the other way. That’s what I wish also for myself and, frankly, for all of us who don’t feel fulfilled with their lives but are too confused or scared to do something about it. It’s never too late to take ownership of you life!

If you feel Stefania can help you, you can reach her through her website, her Facebook page or her Instagram account (follow her, her posts are uplifting!). You can also attend one of her classes at Saga Yoga (maybe we’ll meet there) and Bay Helsinki.

Many thanks to Stefania for allowing me to share her story. I hope you will find inspiration in it like I did.

The post From design to yoga and well-being: my friend Stefania’s story appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My friends ask me how I do it to do it all. I wish I had a strategy to share, but truth is I play by the ear, I have great support around me, and if I get sick for two days my house of cards falls.

Here I am, a full-time working mom and an Italian expat living in Finland. The day has not enough hours, as every working parent knows. My day starts early and I’m usually by my work desk at 7.30 am. Awfully early for an IT job, I know, but this allows me to be home by 4.30 pm, not bad is it? The time I spend at work is hectic. I am employed in a fast-growing company and I follow several projects. That’s the atmosphere I thrive in. It leaves, however, little headspace and sometime when it’s time to go home I feel I cannot get through the day. My husband has a full-time job as CMO in a startup, but he’s now taking a one year parental leave to care for our newest addition to the family, our son E, who came through international adoption from India. Before E would come home I was the designated driver from daycare to home for our four year old daughter R. In these months, I get to walk home to a dinner in the making and I can spend a hour playing with my kids. It’s intense but really nice.

I am very grateful from the support I get from my workplace, Finnish policies, and my partner. My company promotes work-life balance and parental leave is seen as an employee’s right. My supervisor (a man) spent the past year working part-time to alternate with his wife to care for their toddler at home. When your team lead does it, it sets the bar. Finland is great to live in when you have kids. I could go on for hours sharing all the top notch services we get for cheap or no fees. Then there’s my lovely husband (I can adulate him because he never reads my blog ). He is taking most of the time off we planned for our son and changed his plans to allow me to go back to my job a little earlier than expected. He knows how I love working and how much it fills my day and my expectations.

One thing I’m missing as an expat mum is the support of family living close-by. Sometime we summon a pair of grandparents from Italy for few weeks if we have work trips coming on or similar, but it’s not the same as being able to ask for a hand when you need it right away. We can never take a break from parenting. The language barrier also makes things harder usually, both at work, as I feel I have limited career options, and in our social life, as it can compromise starting relationships with parents of other kids who are not comfortable speaking English.

I like being a working mom and I’m proud to be an expat parent. I believe our sacrifices as parents are creating better opportunities for our children. I have missed working during every maternity leave, even though I appreciated greatly the opportunity to spend exclusive time with my children. Work is part of how I live up to my identity and, after all, I think it makes me the best mother I can be.

The post The Mummy Juggle – My guest post for Ettie and Me appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I am a full-time working mother of two toddlers, aged four and two. My husband, now temporarily at home in paternity leave, also works full-time. As ambitious professionals, family may not be our everything, but it’s definitely at the top of the list. In the latest years as a parent, I came to one important realisation: time is the only currency children understand. It’s not gifts, it’s not exciting trips, it’s regular day-to-day time. They measure the quality of our relationship with them, merely based on how much time we spend with them. As working parents, we have limited amount of that currency. Still, I think our family has found good ways to optimise what we have and I’m happy to share my suggestions with other fellow parents.

Throw away your work phone

When you are home, you must be really there. There’s no checking work emails and definitely not taking work calls. Sure, we all had our “crisis” at work, which required extra time in the evening. However, that must be the exception to the rule. If your job requires that you regularly have to work overtime, consider having a talk with your supervisor or even looking for a new employer.

They can call you only if the datacenter is on fire or if you are a surgeon.

You work to live, not live to work. And I say it as a professional who loves her job and happily hops into her office every workday. You will be the one drawing the line for a good work-life balance, no one else will do it for you.

Take a long parental leave

If you are allowed to take a parental leave, do it. And I’m talking to you as well, dads. I took a 9 month maternity leave for my first child and a 7 month leave for my second. My husband took 3 months off for our daughter and is planning to take a full year for our son. It made the world of difference in the relationships with our children. Money have been tight at times and we had to cut unnecessary expenses, but it was all worth it. Being a stay-at-home parent is against my nature – I know, awful mother – but I don’t regret it. It was essential to really get to know my children and build our relationship. I could breastfeed my daughter until she was one and I don’t think I would have succeed if I had to go back to work sooner. My son was adopted from India and our months together were crucial to build attachment and adapt to the new reality of the family. Again, this is not the right time to worry about your career.

Use any activity to engage with your children

Kids – at least small children – just want to be with us. They think we’re awesome! I used to think shared time meant kids activities. I put effort into planning playdates or finding children events to bring my daughter to. I reached a point where every weekend was a never-ending tour around town, jumping from art workshops to music classes. It was not sustainable, neither for me nor for my girl. I matured my views and found a better balance. We still go to events sometime, but I especially make the most out of daily chores and errands. When I need to go grocery shopping, we go together. They help me put food in the cart and later, help me put it away at home. Sometime I print a shopping list with figures, so that they can read it out for me at the shop. We do similar games with laundry folding, and loading the washing machine or the dishwasher. When I need to clean, they “help” me. This slows down everything, but we are sharing time. It takes a bit of imagination, but you can involve kids in a lot of your daily activities and they’ll be happy.

Use the screen power wisely

We have strict rules for our kids’ screen time, only exception being when we fly or when one is sick at home. Watching tv or playing a videogame can be a shared activity, but it’s no good when it’s a tool to hypnotise the kids. And it’s just so easy to get used to have the children still and silent (I’m sympathetic!).
There’s another aspect you should consider. It’s your screen time. I came to realise I was using my smartphone as a small mental fix. Kids were claiming my time and attention, and I used to “just check something” on my phone several times a day while I was with them. It was an unsuccessful practice to claim back my time. In practice, it was sending the message I wasn’t enjoying my time with them.

Find your own way, be no martyr

After this post, maybe you are thinking I’m one of those mothers who are in a constant ecstatic state while with their children. Believe me, this couldn’t be further from truth. I love my children, but it took work and experience to enjoy the time I spend with them. For instance, I found out I hate playing make-believe. When my daughter asks me to play with dolls or figurines, I say no nine out of ten times. Every minute is torture for me. On the other hand, I’m a great reader, I like doing crafts, and playing boardgames. I think it’s fair that our kids learn who we are, what we like and don’t like. It’s a healthy lesson on relationship building.

Turns out I’m an artist. Or, I simply like to make a mess.

The more time you’ll spend with your kids, the more you’ll build your portfolio of shared activities, based on what you both like and your energy levels. With my daughter, I have a couple of low-effort activities I use when I’m in no mood to engage in play (book colouring and baking with a cake mix, if you are looking for ideas).

I cannot stress enough how time with your kids is important. In the developing and growing years, you are your children’s best teacher (no pressure). As a perk, playing with kids allows you to be a bit of a kid yourself. And let’s admit it, it’s nice to take a break from adulting here and there.

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Seems like someone else wants to follow mummy’s steps.

When I stayed home with R., it became clear to me that I am not a talented stay-at-home mum. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and honoured I get to spend so much time at home with my kids, I know it’s a luxury few parents can enjoy. But it partly goes against my nature. I have a higher education and three degrees. I’ve always enjoyed working and my own independence. I love to feel competent, learn new things, and challenge myself. I need constant brain activity. In the past months I tried to bring that part of me more into my parenting daily life. I enjoyed reading many parenting books – the academic in me still alive and kicking – and I tried to involve kids in stimulating activities which pushed me to learn more. I am proud and happy because I was there with my kids the whole time, not longing to go back to work. On day 1 of my leave I canceled the work-related apps from my phone, deactivated the email inbox, and any notification. I didn’t check anything work-related in seven months. Partly, it was a sacrifice and I felt I was missing out on my career and individuality.

And there last Monday came and so the moment to go back to work. We switched places with my husband as he plans to be home with the kids for at least more seven months. R. was familiar with mommy working full-time – she’s been in daycare since she turned one – but we were worried E. would fight the change. Surprisingly, he didn’t. He didn’t cry or protest when I explained, nor when I left every morning. He was enthusiastic when I entered the door in the late afternoon, but not emotionally charged. Maybe for once some change came easy… too soon to say?

The cutest happenings after this change were R. telling me she missed having me at home and warmly hugging every night; E. asking to come to work with me, then adding “Small E. work“, which translates to “E. is too small to go to work”; my husband cooking dinner every night – used to be one of my chores -, it was amazing to get home to a ready dinner.
I would like to end this post by officially paying tributes to all not-for-granted little life pleasures I rediscovered this past week. Being in the toilet alone. Being able to cut a coffee break whenever I wanted. Writing on a laptop without little fingers randomly pushing the keyboard. Not having to change nappies! Chatting with adults with no interruptions during lunch. Being able to get phone calls. Driving the car alone. Thank you, work.

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