What is Kamalat äidit about?

Kamalat äidit® (Terrible Mothers) is a nationwide project that has been operating for 15 years. Our mission is simple: to offer peer support groups for mothers of teenagers. In our groups, we talk about everyday life, challenges and joys of living with an adolescent. We support and empower each other, by sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in a safe and warm space. We are currently developing MKA (monikulttuurinen Kamalat äidit), our multicultural activities.

Why did you choose this name for the initiative?

Our name “Kamalat äidit” means Terrible Moms. Our project started in Oulu in 2005 and has been catching attention ever since. We registered its name and model in 2013, and became officially Kamalat äidit®. I love that name, it’s a way to own something that may otherwise be heavy, either because your teenage kid calls you a terrible mom or because you feel yourself like a terrible mother. You’re allowed to feel like you feel and it’s ok. And when you meet others, you realise that you’re actually awesome, terrible moms.

How does it work in practice? 

Our groups are led by two peer support group counsellors. If at least two potential volunteers identify a need in their city and they get in touch with us, we visit and offer them a training to start a group. Our volunteers are very independent and they get to build their groups. In practice our groups gather 4 to 10 moms, 10 times. The groups meet once a week or twice a month, depending on the availability of the peer support group leaders. Each session has a theme and exercises, but we always give priority to the discussions.

Can participants preserve their identity if they wish?

On our online groups it’s been very easy for our participants to be anonymous. For the face-to-facee groups it’s different. Participants can share with others what they feel like sharing. Participants are free to preserve their family members by not sharing their names and it is part of our rules to make sure that information that could identify our participants are not disclosed. We also have a strict rule on confidentiality (what happens during the meetings can not be shared outside the group). Our groups are based on mutual trust and a feeling of being safe, and we make sure that it stays that way. 

Are facilitators YWCA staff?

In some cases, Kamalat äidit staff may be part of the group. But most of the time, the groups are led by two volunteers. When a volunteer and a staff member are leading a group, the staff member always make sure to give the maximum space possible to the volunteer.

If facilitators are volunteers, what kind of support do they get?

The network of volunteers we have all around Finland is I think one of our biggest joy. Our volunteers are first of all trained. They get to know our organization, our project and the way the groups work. We go through the sessions’ themes with them, and work on their own peer support group leaders skills (group dynamics, facilitation). We also work with them on their own motivation. After this training, we support them to find participants for the group that they want to create. We offer them personalized support and guidance once the group has started. If they need help with a specific topic, need extra material or extra help for a participant, we also make sure that it is available. We organize meetings and trainings for our volunteers in different places in Finland several times a year.
With our multicultural activities, we are also planning into giving specific trainings on the theme of multiculturality, cultural sensitivity or multilingual work for example.

Do you have groups in languages other than Finnish? And is it possible to start new ones in other languages?

Until now, we have had almost only exclusively groups in Finnish. My job now is to develop our multicultural activities, and languages are at the center of it! We are going to have groups in Finnish, English and Spanish in autumn 2020. We strongly encourage mothers of teenagers who would like to volunteer or participate in English or in Spanish to get in touch with us, as we are going to have our volunteers training in both these languages in June 2020. If you want to start a group in your city or if you want to participate in one of our groups, let us know!
For next year, we are working on developing groups in other languages, and we are very open to discuss it with other NGOs, cities and of course women who want to volunteer!
I’d like to tell a little bit about our multicultural activities, that I am in charge to develop. Our goal is to make sure that our groups are open to mothers who experience multiculturality in their lives. Of course foreign moms are welcome, but also Finnish moms living in multicultural or multilingual families, adoptive mothers, as well as moms who feel that multiculturality is an important factor for them and who want to share with moms from different horizons.

What range of topics do the groups cover usually? Do they include hard stuff (drugs, eating disorders…)? If a mother needs this specific kind of peer support, do you help her match to other moms who deal with the same?

Our groups’ priority is to create a space for the mothers to talk about what they want. We have a general structure for our groups, some of our themes are daily life challenges, parenthood, set limits and rules… We have low threshold themes as well as deeper ones, exploring the mothers relations to their own youth, motherhood or the future. Difficult topics are of course discussed in our groups. Some mothers inform us when they register about a specific situation that they face or a specific topic that they need to open up about. Use of drugs, sexuality, eating disorders, school issues, gaming and phone addiction, are topics that come up very often. One very powerful thing that happens in our groups is that very often the moms realize that they are not alone, that other families go through similar situations, and that others can understand and support, without judging or having to explain. Our groups are nevertheless not therapies, even though they can have therapeutic effects. Our volunteers are trained to recognize the situations in which they should direct our participants to professional help, and the staff is always ready to support them.

Can you share some success stories or positive feedback you have received from mothers?

I can share with you some feedback that we received in Finnish.

”Tämä oli minulle hyvä henkireikä. Niin siis kiva, mahtava.” (This was a lifeline for me. So nice, awesome)
”Aina saa tukea, tsemppiä, voimaa.” (You always get support, energy, strength)
”Ryhmässä uskalsi puhua ja sai voimaa.” (In the group I dared to speak and I got strength)

Our multicultural activities have received a lot of positive interest from mothers, volunteers and professionals. I’d love to come back next year to keep you updated on a success story for a multicultural mother and her family.

Do you have groups for fathers as well? Did you get requests to start any?

We don’t have groups for fathers. Our organization is a women’s organization, and our motto is “courageous and loving acts by women”. We focus on mothers, knowing that their empowerment and wellbeing will also affect positively the whole family. We welcome all mothers.

If someone wants to sign up to a group or become a facilitator, what do they have to do?

They can write to [email protected]. Just mention that you’re interested in our multicultural activities and you’ll be put in touch with me.

Are you a Terrible Mother? Don’t be shy to connect with other moms or start a group yourself. You will never be alone in facing the challenges of parenting a teen.

Featured image by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.

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In our household, we have tested few arrangements before finding a routine that worked for the whole family and we are prepared to adapt again if necessary. The kids are particularly stressed, having lost their routines and social life from one day to the other. They miss their friends, they don’t know when they’ll meet grandparents again, and mom and dad are more stressed than usual. Unfortunately when children are stressed they are not on their best behaviour and that adds up to the list of triggers for us. I know. Deep breaths and loads of empathy, my friend.

Beside listing fun activities to keep the little ones active and engaged, I have rounded up some resources for you to help them face these challenges times. If this is a lot to process for us adults, imagine how massive it is for children. One day E (almost 5) confessed he was afraid the virus might jump out of nowhere and bite him. We have explained them that old people are most vulnerable and R immediately worried for her grandparents. U has been staying with us for over a month (a story for another post) but she’ll soon go back to her living facility and worries when she’ll see us again. It’s a lot to take in and we are their compass, their light in the darkness.

The World Health Organization has put together a series of tips in several languages for parents, including how to manage challenging behaviours and reduce children’s stress. They are a set of great tips gathered from top experts, I wholeheartedly recommend to check them out (and send them to friends!).

Kids are naturally curious and there’s nothing better than fighting uncertainty and anxiety with facts. Surely knowledge needs to be packaged in an age-appropriate way. I always find books a great way to convey messages to my children. Axel Scheffler, the artist who illustrated The Gruffalò, has published a free ebook to help parents explain the current crisis to their children. The book was so successful that it was quickly translated in over 17 languages (here in Italian).
If your child speaks English, you might enjoy the #CaringForEachOther initiative by Sesame Street: there is plenty of ideas and resources to support families during this crisis.
The School of Life has put together a series of free activities for children. This period can be an opportunity to explore and learn.

Mindfulness is another great tool to help children. I have been awful with my own meditation routine in the past months, but I know it works and it’s a fantastic way to stay grounded when anxiety tries to take the best of you. Luckily some kind souls have adapted mindfulness techniques for children. These are books I have read and I warmly recommend. You won’t need to read them whole, just pick some exercises and try them out:
Mindfulness for children by Uz Afzal;
Calm – mindfulness for kids by Wynne Kinder;
Yoga for kids by Susannah Hoffman (I recommend this one for kids who are more lively and physical).

Last but not least: regulate your own stress. Children have the finest sensors on their carers’ emotions. If you are travelling on negative frequencies, your kids will pick them up. Conversely, if you stay grounded, you help them do the same. Self-care is the word right now. Carve your own spaces, concede to activities that bring you joy, and pamper yourself.

These are stressful times, but challenges are always opportunities to grow. Stay safe and #stayathome.

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Keep a schedule

My husband and I are both juggling remote work. We sit down every few days and split the hours, so that we get at least few hours of full focus every day. On top of that, I determine the kids’ activity schedule the previous night. Similarly, our weekly menu is decided ahead and printed out (also helps reduce shopping trips). I plan in the quiet of the evening so that I don’t have to worry while I execute. Don’t forget to include time for your self-care during the day!

Crafts

First of all, head over to this old post where I list few easy crafts for which you won’t need special materials. Facebook is my best source of ideas (not a Pinterest mom). I warmly recommend TheDadLab group for an infinite string of inspiration. Fellow expat mom Katy shared these cool DIYs, many suitable for smaller children. Here are some ideas that I have tested or plan to:

The website Pencils and Plums offers plenty of free-to-download colouring pages and activities, check it out.

Coronavirus indoors treasure hunt

I am quite proud of this creation of mine. Some nights I hide coronavirus drawings all around the house and mark their location on a map. If the kids find them all the following day, they win a prize. I have also done a version where I write letters behind some of the drawings and the complete message gives away the location of the prize.

How to set it up:
– print the coronavirus sheet, cut the drawings
– draw a map of your house
– hide the virus drawings in various locations and mark them on a map
Pro tip: laminate at least the map so that you can use a whiteboard pen to mark the locations and use it the map more than once.
An alternative version: organise a simple treasure hunt by giving them a list (written or drawn) of objects to find and photograph to win a small prize. Can be done both indoors and outdoors.

Educational play

I am not a fan of screen time, but there are some really cool educational digital resources. Children can experiment with creating music with Chrome Music Lab (check out the music maker!).

“Lego has an app where you can download instructions to any set. If you have enough blocks you can build anything.”

Dagmar, expat mom in Finland

Fellow mom Karen reminded me about Scratch, a MIT tool to teach kids aged 8 to 16 to code. For younger children (5-7 years) head over ScratchJr.

Reading (and audiobooks)

Audible has some free titles for children in several languages. You can also look up podcasts of fairytales (one for Italian speakers) or fairytales on Youtube. If your child speaks Finnish, the app Lukulumo offers free audiobooks during the lockdown (username lukuulumokoti, password 987654321). Don’t forget our local e-library has also several reads and audiobooks available in several languages.

Keep it moving

If you are not in total lockdown, don’t miss to go for a walk every day. We have made a ritual of going outdoors at least 20 minutes after lunch. Another trick, if you have the space and your kids can be unsupervised: I give them a timer and encourage them to bike around the yard for 20 minutes to win a candy. 20 minutes of bliss for you! For Finnish-speaking children, Herotreeni offers a 3 week daily exercise programme for only 12 euros (I’ve seen a demo, superfun)! You want the same in English? No problem: MoovKids offers daily online classes (thanks Giedre for the heads-up).

“There are couple of links to the free lessons from popular gyms in Finland, I found them really useful. For example, Fressi has live streaming with agenda for the day, you can just join it, also Elixia has online courses that doesn’t require membership.

Tulasi, expat mom in Finland

Virtual social life

Children miss their friends. Schedule regular video calls for them to talk with their friends. For multilingual children, this is also a chance to preserve the languages not spoken at home. You can also teach games compatible with play through a screen, for example charades, hangman, or 20 questions.

Housework

Don’t forget small kids see chores like play. During these peculiar times, I am asking my kids to help regularly: emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, dusting… Results do not have to be perfect, but they can indeed help and these activities keep them busy (and they learn useful skills). Have them help in the kitchen as well, they’ll love it.

Household chores and engaging in as many parents household activities as possible. 

Lisa, expat mom in Finland

Several parents recommended gardening as an option. You can start some seeds also on the windowsill.

Free play

Dear parents, do not forget your own mental health and to allow kids to get bored. Boredom is the mother of creativity, after all. Let’s not go nuts to keep the kids entertained all the time. Alternate activities with free play if age allows. You are doing great!

The post Are You Not Entertained? – Ideas for Quarantined Parents #COVID appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I was cursed to get a picture of what was coming days ahead from reading Italian newspapers as well as social media. There I had a taste of the raw experience of the epidemics, as well as read several experts’ opinions. My concern grew by the day, especially while witnessing the low reactivity of the Finnish government.

I don’t think people are worrying enough, not in Finland, not in other countries where things are just starting to unfold. To the day I still hear of parents debating whether to send their kids to social activities or daycare because “they are bored” or they cannot stand having them at home. [1] Unfortunately the initial global communications sounded as “it’s barely a flu” and shortly later “only the elderly or patients with health conditions are affected”. Most people – including myself – recorded those information and then refused to refresh them.

The main thing you need to understand about coronavirus is that it is a novel sickness: nothing is sure and information change all the time. You need to stay updated.

China, Italy, and France have released data suggesting that young people often require intensive care. In addition, coronavirus is damn fast in spreading, because of a relatively long incubation period and many people not showing symptoms. You might easily catch it, not even realise you are sick, and infect many on your path. Data was released suggesting worrying figures on young children. Children are, indeed, less affected. However, 5.9% experience severe or critical illness that require hospitalisation. In particular, small children (babies and preschoolers) were the most vulnerable:

Another extremely concerning data that emerged only recently is the mortality rate. The initial comment was “only old people risk dying”. The thing is, younger people fighting between life and death last longer. They stay attached to a ventilator for weeks and while they do, they are not recorded as fatalities. In 2 weeks time from now, we might have a completely different picture of the mortality rate and its distribution by age. It will be too late then.

Without any restriction, we would easily find ourselves with thousands of people needing hospitalisation, yet resources – for example beds or ventilators – would be limited. The healthcare system doesn’t serve only coronavirus patients. On top of a pandemic, all activities must continue. Treating victims of accidents, cancer patients, performing operations, treating the sick, the list goes on. In Italy, doctors are forced to choose who dies and who lives.

The Finnish government has placed a bet on individual responsibility by not closing daycares. I beg you, if you can keep the kids home, do it. Every person counts, every missed social event counts. It’s all about minimising the likelihood of contagion and slowing the spread (here’s a simulation showing how social isolation helps). This will be a hard time for everyone and we need to shift into the mentality of making sacrifices.

I promise I will produce cheerful posts such as “10 crafts to keep you child busy during a pandemic” or “how not to murder your kids on day 15 of a quarantine” but right now I want to convey clearly how bad things can get. While my family wasn’t directly hit (yet), friends of friends are dying. It hits close. Few days ago, Bergamo, Italy, recorded that every 30 minutes someone was buried. Families have been decimated, including young parents dying.

“People are dying like dogs – nameless, a number among many” – says Roberta, her father died “My father wasn’t old and he wasn’t ill before”. She says the only noise she hears all day long is ambulance sirens. She leaves 10 or so messages of condolences daily on Facebook walls.

In Italy, people are forbidden from leaving home. In some areas, grocery shopping means queuing for hours because the store lets in only few people at a time. The police is enforcing the quarantine. Things can get much worse if we don’t wake up soon. Your individual choices now matter the most.

Now it’s really the time to look out for each other and be aware of how our choices affect our community. We’ll get through this. Stay healthy, #stayathome.

[1] Edited out. As a fellow mom kindly flagged, this phrasing sounded judgemental. We are all stressed and scared (awful combination!) and the last thing I want to do is to add conflict or pressure. I apologise for the bad choice of words. We are all doing the best we can, let’s keep on lifting each other <3.

The post Coronavirus in Finland: Why Your Individual Choices Matter #stayathome appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Nordic Nannies is a service provider connecting families and carers. Mareena herself has worked as a nanny for roughly 20 years across seven countries. She is very aware of what skills candidates should have, what needs families have, as well as what it means to be an immigrant.

“I know a lot about moving from Finland, applying for jobs abroad in the nanny industry, how to enter a new family and make a life there, working and living abroad in a new country and a new culture”, she says. Many international families in Finland lack family support and several look for childcare solutions, even temporarily.

Mareena can match families with different profiles. There’s the well-known au-pairs, young people seeking for a low-cost cultural experience in exchange for some help with childcare and house chores. Such arrangements usually last 6 months top. Similarly, elderly companions can assist older people with daily life for up to a year. If a family is looking for longer placements, Mareena can match them professional nannies. One interesting profile is the one of governess or gouverneur, that is a private teacher. Home-schooling is legal in Finland – although extremely rare – and some families moving from abroad might benefit from temporarily home-schooling their children. For example, hiring a Finnish private teacher could help school-age children transition more easily in a new language and education system. Some families move to Finland in the middle of the school year or miss to get one of the few places at the international schools, and a private teacher could help bridge the school year.

Mareena started Nordic Nannies primarily to offer young Finns a chance to work abroad. In time, the business evolved and now she is capable of matching families, living both in Finland and abroad, with carers with various backgrounds, language skills, and countries of origin.

“Having worked myself here in Finland I know the system, for example how families can apply to Kela grants helping with the costs of childcare.”

This is particularly relevant for expat families, who might struggle finding out what benefits and rules are. There are several benefits that make hiring domestic help cheaper or provide tax cuts. Mareena is happy to assist families with questions regarding taxes and labour in Finland. Thinking of expats in Finland, I asked if she would be willing to find carers speaking the family’s minority language. She replied: “I have capabilities of finding candidates in other countries, in addition to Finns. I have networks and I am collaborating with other agencies. It’s definitely possible. I have many contacts among British nannies, but also some in Asia. Obviously with candidates from countries outside the EU can be issues with visas and it might take time. In the past I have also hired foreign candidates that were already in Finland. I am not lacking candidates like that”. Moreover, if a child has special needs, she has also capability of finding a nanny with training or previous experience with the condition.

Mareena works as a consultant and a recruiter. She requests an initial fee and a one-time contribution for a successful placement. If you will mention The Elephant Mum when you register, you’ll get a 10% off the placement fee (offer valid until 30.6.2020).

The best satisfaction of her job? “The most rewarding thing is when the family contacts me after few weeks and they are happy, everything is going well, they say it’s so easy, they come home from work and everything is taken care of… when it works for both parties, the nanny is happy and treated well”.

Featured picture by Dorothe Wouters on Unsplash.

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Part of the issue is that families do not engage in physical activities enough. By this I do not mean solely sports, but more broadly to be active and engage in play and activities than keep your body on the move. Luckily, public organisations like City of Helsinki are trying to change this. Today City of Helsinki launched a campaign called #HelsinkiLiikkuu (=Helsinki moves) in February 2020. According to their surveys, 80% of families do not move together daily. One of the initiatives is to improve visibility of physical activities available in the area. I like to call myself a converted lazy. I was empress of couch potatoes, but my intention to educate my children set me to change my habits for the better. Surprise, surprise, my own health and mood benefited greatly, and our family bond grew stronger.

Not everyone is aware that there is plenty of free or cheap sport activities for the whole family available in the capital area. Here are some ideas for your children to have fun on the move.

#1. Go on a hike

Hiking is one of our favorite family activities since ever. It fits all ages and never gets dull. We are blessed to live in a country where nature is always at reach. Beside casual walks, there are several nature trails in Helsinki (and Espoo, Vantaa) with different lengths, sceneries, and difficulty levels. Some have public grills or campfire pits for you to grill a couple of sausages. If you want to have a preview of some hikes, our recommendations near Helsinki are Oittaa, Hannusmetsä, and Klassarinkierros.

#2. Swim boredom away

Swimming is a cheap hobby in the capital area. Children under 7 enter for free or for around 3 euros. Adults’ entrance fee is usually around 5 euros. There are several swimming halls available, and most have spaces and facilities for children. Moreover, City of Helsinki organises cheap swimming courses for children.

#3. Play sports together

City of Helsinki offers several opportunities for children or the whole family to engage in sports. From exercise sessions for toddlers to family ball games, there’s plenty to do for free or a low fee. Several activities are available also through Easy Sport. The Adult Education Institute routinely offers cheap sport classes for the whole family – why not trying Afro Dance with your little ones?

#4. Explore city playgrounds

I realise how many playgrounds there are in Finland whenever I go on holiday and finding one involves Google Maps and long walks. Playgrounds are sprinkled all over Helsinki and its surrounding area. They are a safe and simple place for children to let some steam off, climb, and socialise. A special mention goes to the three Angry Birds playgrounds in Espoo. When bad weather hits, you can visit family houses: indoors free-of-charge facilities where small ones can play with toys and other children, while parents enjoy coffee and conversation.

#5. Visit a museum

Not all museums and cultural sites are children-friendly, but many are in Finland. Don’t look indoors only! There are outdoors options like Suomenlinna, Seurasaari or the Botanical Garden to spend a day out and learn something new. Helsinki City Museum is free and entirely child-centered (it’s our favorite place to lose a hour when we visit the city center); Kiasma regularly organises workshops for children; the Natural History Museum and the Korkeasaari Zoo are other popular choices.
Culture in Finland is affordable. You can invest in a Museum Card, which gives you access year round to most sites. Alternatively, many museums regularly allow visitors in for free.

#6. Ski among trees

Cross-country skiing is an exciting activity to try with kids. Children as young as 4 can learn and younger kids might be towed on a sledge. Paloheinä is a popular winter center in Helsinki and if you don’t own skiis, you can rent them. If you are like myself when I moved here and know nothing of winter sports, you’ll be pleased to learn that Paloheinä has courses for small children with or without an adult to introduce you to this new hobby.

#7. Treasure hunt with geocaching

Geocaching is a world-known free hobby and I’m pleased to announce it’s popular in Finland too. Treasure hunting provides a perfect excuse to drag kids of all ages out and about. Frankly, it’s fantastic for adults too! We’ve been recently sucked into it, it fits all ages and provides motivation and rewards to go on long walks.

#8. Climb on your bikes

You don’t have to wait for summer to hop on your bike. As long as there is no ice, cycling is rewarding. Don’t underestimate small children: last summer my 4 and 6 year olds would bike 8 km. Helsinki has over 1200 km of bicycle paths, all over town and through forests. There are several recommended bicycle routes for you to try. Or you can build your own with the help of the Journey Planner.

#9. Dust off your ice-skates

Now that you live here, you need to make your peace with winter sports because even if you hide, they’ll find you. You probably have come across the ice-skating ring near the main railway station. As you can see, it’s quite cheap. There are several outdoor skating rings across Helsinki, free-of-charge and open to the public. Oulunkylä hosts an indoor skating ring.

#10. Care for nature

Helsinki offers residents chances to have an active role in caring for its nature. The initiative “Good Things Grow in Helsinki” calls for volunteers to shape the green areas and clean parks. It’s an hands-on educational opportunity for the whole family.
Another option is to rent a garden allotment for your family to grow vegetables. The open farm Haltiala allows visitors to pick flowers and peapods for free. And of course you’re free to pick berries, wild herbs and mushrooms in forests any time.

There is plenty of opportunities for your family to spend quality time together without hurting the wallet. To learn more about the campaign, like the Facebook page, follow the Instagram or Twitter feed, and keep an eye on the webpage. Join me and post on social media how you keep your family on the move with the hashtag #HelsinkiLiikkuu.

Featured image by The Slow Photography.

The post 10 Low-Cost Activities in Helsinki to Keep Your Family Healthy #HelsinkiLiikkuu appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

These are my tips from 9+ years living in Finland. My husband and I are both expats and we juggle a family of two toddlers and, occasionally, a preteen. Some of our kids have special needs and we are both working full-time. These years haven’t been short of challenges and we could have never pulled it out without the tips I’m about to share.

Understand that you’re not alone

My first tip is to realise that there are many parents struggling with this – pretty much every expat parent. Few lucky ones have family of their Finnish spouse to help a little, but many do not have any support at all. Even when you have relatives living in the same continent, you won’t have the short-notice daily help many local families count upon. How does this help? Well, I have found people in my same situation and in emergencies I know I can ask them help because they get it 100%. They understand how important my requests are and don’t underestimate my struggle. Similarly, I try to pay it forward and offer my support when I have slack and someone is struggling. Slowly build your tribe.

Create a Whatsapp group

Years ago I was introduced to a private Google Group gathering other Italian women living in Finland. It included some who had been living in Finland for 20 years as well as newcomers. The main rule, you were included only by invitation if you knew at least one group member IRL. This restriction made it a safe space. Later we created a Whatsapp group as spin-off. This chat group became a huge part of my everyday life. I use to ask quick questions or stir discussions, often on private matters that I don’t want to expose on a Facebook group with strangers. I also enjoy I get to speak in my native language and we often make inside jokes only Italian people get. We sometime organise dinners, support each other, and stay connected to our birth culture. Create your own group. Start with few fellow expat moms or parents you know, and slowly expand.

Build your lifestyle mindfully

We have been very intentional over the years about choosing jobs that would allow our lifestyle and work-life balance. For example being able to do remote work is essential for both of us. We also need a workplace and managers that are considerate towards our family requirements. We need flexitime. Few months ago I was enticing the possibility of working for a company in US. I soon rejected the idea, simply because I cannot afford to work with a company that has less work-life balance or no family friendly policies or incompatible timezones. I know expats struggle to build their career in Finland, but try to make sensible choices wherever you can.

Hire professionals to help

Our lifestyle is peculiar. In many periods of our life here, professional help was not a luxury, it was a necessity. We have invested time and effort in finding professionals that we could afford to better manage our household. Two examples are babysitters and cleaning services. And I found them cheap (and legal).
We hired teens in our neighbourhood for both and paid 10-15 euros/hour. We paid them (along with taxes) through the online tax service Palkka. For some time when our daughter was small, we found we needed someone to pick her up from daycare regularly, at least once a week. I surveyed her classmates’ parents and found one mom willing to help. She made few extra bucks and our girl was excited she got to go to regular playdates with a friend. It was convenient since this mom lived in the area and had to visit the daycare to pick up her son anyway. Similarly, we had months where we could not find time or energy to clean the house regularly. We hired a teen and she would come for a couple of hours every week. It wasn’t professional cleaning but it was enough to keep us out of the social services’ radar (JK).

Explore available resources

There are many hidden resources for families in Finland. It might take time, tons of internet research, and a million questions shot around, but you can find some. For example, perheneuvola offers free family counselling. Neuvola has a service for overtired parents, where a nurse babysits your baby for free while you take a long nap. There are free mental health hotlines and Kela reimburses a good amount of therapy services’ fees. Many parents of small children work reduced hours (I think employers have to concede them – check with your union). In times of crises, I have even used the free-of-charge babysitting services available in some malls (like Sello).

Ask for help

This is general advice. Expat family life is tough. It is. I know people who are in therapy solely for that. It can be alienating and lonely, full of invisible struggles that surrounding locals, sometime even your Finnish partner, simply do not get. It’s okay to ask for help from fellow expats, other parents, your partner, your work manager, a therapist, professionals. Be open about your experience and struggle. Be honest with yourself. Have self-compassion. Build solid self-care routines.

I won’t lie, a lot of my energy goes into making up for the support we don’t have here. An expat’s support network is dynamic: the friends you make may move away. Some friendships even start with an expiration date, as their plan is to stay temporarily. It’s part of the game and you need to accept it. Your family’s needs will change in time and you oughta be creative and proactive. For few months I regularly exchanged babysitting favours with a neighbour. I have a couple of Finnish moms in the neighbourhood on speed dial for emergency daycare pickups. Occasionally I have tactically scheduled playdates for both kids at the same time to have a couple of spare hours. You will learn to play the game. Sometime you’ll need to just push through or stop and reassess your prioritise. It’s hard, mama (or papa), but you’ve got it!

Do you have other tips for fellow expat parents? Please share them in the comments section!

If you liked this post, you might appreciate also:
Things you need to know as an expat parent in Finland
Moving to Finland? Gotcha.
Anxieties of an immigrant parent.

The post Expat Families: How To Build A Support Network appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

“In many countries where children were given up for adoption, the social and economic situation as well as child protection [services] have improved, so there’s less need for international adoptions” 

Kristiina Mattinen, regional director of Save the Children Finland.

…aaand that was the coffee-spitting moment for me. I don’t accept this explanation and this is why.

For the casual reader that has dropped here from a Facebook share or a Google search, few words of introduction. I’m an Italian immigrant living in Finland and few years ago I adopted my youngest child from India through the Finnish system. The Finnish adoption system is very different from, say, the US one. While US has an “adoption-as-a-business” model, with about 3000 adoption agencies competing against each other, the Finnish one jumps on the opposite end of the spectrum and goes full-mode monopoly. Now, if you held me at gunpoint, I would choose the Finnish way. It’s definitely more respectful of the principles which, at least on paper, should govern all adoptions worldwide, that is “the best interest of the child“.

However, I refuse to digest the statement above. Currently, there are three adoption agencies serving families in Finland. One is about to close down and for years has not been accepting new applicants. Agencies have split countries they work with, which means competition is utterly non-existent. Agencies also work with a very limited number of children’s homes in every country. This is not a bad thing per se: they do so because they have strong standards and policies their partners have to comply to. Agency staff regularly travels to visit the structures and control for risks like child trafficking or neglect. These children’s homes potentially work with other countries as well. Not all children in a home are eligible for international adoption. Now, back to the Finnish side. A prospect adoptive family cannot adopt any child: Finnish and international law, as well as the family’s preferences, restrict the possibilities quite a lot. For example the age of the parents or the ages of other children in the family pose plenty of restrictions on the child you can adopt.

To recap, you start from a very limited set of possibilities, filter over and over and guess what: you are left with an empty set. Because of this system, prospect adopters are left with long waits, several years. A practical example: if you decide to adopt from South Africa, you are required to wait for two years just on the Finnish side. Two years before you can even send your documentation there. Then there’s the real wait on the South Africa’s side.

The emotional toll of international adoption in Finland is terrible and frankly, needless. I’m sorry but I do not accept that explanation under this conditions. If we want to have a real conversation about this, let’s start from publicly discussing why Valvira does not even have a process to allow opening new adoption agencies or why there’s an interest in keeping this monopoly situation at the expenses of hopeful families. I’m willing to have a conversation. But don’t feed me that.

Edit 8.8.2019 h 10.20
– I was informed that the article is a cut version of this (in Finnish) that lists more reasons for the plummeting. That’s relieving;
– I never doubted that the reason quoted above is true. I know it is and the drop is a worldwide phenomenon due to various factors (fertility treatments more popular, some countries closed adoptions, better global conditions, etc.). I simply don’t believe the statement above is so relevant in the context of adoptions in Finland, given how restrictive regulations and processes are;
– I stand 100% by my statement that currently the adoption process is needlessly stressful and demanding. 18 months to draft and approve a home study are simply too long (it’s 3-6 months in US, for comparison). Resources of the agencies are too limited. A review of processes would be most welcome.
– I don’t doubt anyone’s intentions. Not calling out any conspiracy, just praying for questioning processes and for improving what doesn’t work so well. From my perspective, there are too many silos.

The post International Adoptions In Finland Dropped: This Is Really Why appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My husband and I, both Italian, migrated to Finland for economic and lifestyle motivations. I have put together a shortlist of blessings we hardly would enjoy in Italy. Finland is not the perfect country – no such place exists – and you’ll regularly find me criticising what doesn’t work here. However, it’s very clear to me that living in Finland is what enables me to pursue my personal values and dreams. This is why.

#1 Work-life balance

Work-life balance in Finland is possible, even encouraged by workplaces, policies, and peers. Office hours take place between 8 am and 4 pm, and many employers allow flexible hours and remote working. Daycare and schools schedules are in sync with working life. If your child is sick or you need to take few hours off for family reasons, no one blinks. No matter your role in the company, everyone understands if you have to reschedule a meeting to attend a parent-teacher conference. This all sounds reasonable, but I do not take it for granted. Italy is upside down on this topic and sometime I wonder why Italian employers choose to live in denial of the reality that people have kids and that the latter need adult care. My husband and I wanted kids, but it seemed like an impossible dream back in Italy. We moved here primarily because we knew the conditions were favourable.

#2 Gender equality

Italian society is a patriarchal one and it’s tough to be a woman there. The harassment is basically constant – I grew up thinking being groped in clubs was simply part of the female experience – and humiliations occur daily. Female employment rate is less than 50%, mostly because gender norms and inadequate policies force women to turns into housewives, willing or not. No matter how smart, well educated, or capable I was, I knew I had limited career chances back home. I noticed the huge difference in the first two months I spent in Finland. My new university classmates never once underlined I was a woman and treated me like a human being, a peer. I never considered this was even possible! I knew instantly that was how I wanted to feel the rest of my life. Finland still faces gender issues (for example domestic violence), but it always tops gender equality rankings worldwide.

#3 Support for families

There is a long list of governmental benefits awarded to families with children in Finland. Starting from the famous Finnish baby box, a huge package of goodies gifted to every family welcoming a child, families also receive a monthly payment for every child, a place in public daycare (which is excellent), and much more. There is also plenty of free or cheap events for families, and a lively cultural landscape for kids.

#4 Nature at our doorstep

I always wished my children would grow in close contact with nature. Around 72% of Finland’s total land area is covered in forest. Moreover, Nordic lifestyle is deeply linked to nature, with most Finns used to fishing, picking berries, hiking, cooking on open fire, collecting wild mushrooms, and so on. I love how life here is dictated by the regular rhythm of seasons. We live in an urban area, yet we are surrounded by forest and lakes. Our daughter just ended the year at her “forest daycare”, where she spent day after day playing in nature – no matter the weather – and learning to name plants, mushrooms, and animals. In a world plagued by environmental disasters and exponential urbanisation, it feels incredible we are allowed to enjoy the best of two worlds in perfect harmony, urban and nature.

#5 Career opportunities

Despite Finnish job market still being hard to navigate for foreigners, we both had a lively career in the past 8 years. As a woman, I am grateful I am allowed to work – as I mentioned in the paragraph above, it wasn’t for granted back in Italy. We have worked in different workplaces and accumulated a great variety of international experiences. We were given roles of responsibility, which is something you can hardly hope for back in our birth country.

#6 Our children’s education

The Finnish school system is renowned worldwide for being one of the best in the world. Not only the education delivered is of top quality, but the Finnish education system is low-stress for children. You can find plenty of articles online detailing its recipe for success. Back in Italy, school programmes are pretty much the same as 50 years ago (can you believe I was never delivered any sex ed, but one hour a week of Catholic religion for 13 years?!). Here, children learn also important life skills, like cooking, woodwork, and so on. As a family, we feel blessed that our kids can access the best education which, by the way, is 100% free up to college degree.

#7 A society founded on equality

Finnish society, like any, has its contradictions, but it is undoubtedly founded on the value of equality. There’s a collective agreement that every human being should access certain services and live with dignity. This becomes concrete in many ways. For example free education (and I mean free: no books, no uniforms, no fees) comes from the belief that every child has a right to it. Similarly, the welfare system – which is not source of shame and pretty much everyone claims some benefit from – grants a decent income for everyone. Access to healthcare is universal. It goes on and on. Again, there are issues we are working on, but the pull towards equality is strong and it’s one of the aspects I love the most about Finland. I often repeat that if there’s one place in the world where we can hope for positive change, that’s Finland.

#8 Kids’ independence

Back in Italy, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself until I was about 12. Not even the shop across the street. My parents worked turns as my drivers until I turned 18. This is unfortunately very common. The stereotype of the Italian child sees him living at home until he’s over 30. I’m afraid it’s quite realistic. Children in Finland are encouraged to grow independent since early years. For example, daycare staff hardly help 4 year olds to dress up to go outside. A 5 year old is supposed to be able to tie her shoelaces. School age children normally walk to school on their own! I love this. This aspect of my children’s upbringing is bearing fruits already now that they are 4 and 6. I can see how they are growing to be independent and confident problem solvers.

#9 The quiet

I didn’t really know what silence was before moving here. Italian people are famous shouters. I love the quiet nights here, not a sound polluting the air. I love to stroll in quiet forests, walking away from the sound of cars passing on the street. Even Helsinki city center is quiet! People are soft spoken and respectful of shared spaces. I have grown so used to this peace that I often struggle to sleep well when I travel.

#10 Honest people

One of the major sources of stress for my husband and me back in Italy was the fear of being cheated. Corruption in Italy is common place, not only in places of power, but also in everyday life. Professionals try to cheat you with false quotes or by selling you fake products. Italian people generally feel they are above the law. We felt under siege pretty much all the time. Here in Finland it’s the complete opposite: most people are honest and rule-abiding. Here we can relax and lower our defences.

What do you think, would you still like to live in Italy other than Finland? Italy will always have a special place in my heart and I hopefully will always be able to visit when I miss it. However, it’s crystal clear to me that Finland is the place for me to raise a family and enjoy life. Thank you, Finland.

P.S. Hey Finland, I won’t stop challenging your flaws simply because I love you, I want you to only grow better, and never lose your status of heavenly place. Yours truly XX.

The post 10 Reasons Why I Am Grateful I Live In Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Is my vulnerability as a foreigner cutting opportunities for my children?

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