Recently my birth country was hit by a racism scandal where two popular TV hosts made inappropriate and racist remarks (“jokes”) twice within a fortnight. The case hit international social media and one host was pressured into publicly apologising. Michelle Hunziker – that’s her name – performed a perfect fake apology: fully dressed in white and under perfect lighting like she was broadcasting from the heavens, paraphrasing a ‘sorry not sorry’ that did not mean a thing. In her statement she mentioned that as a mother she teaches her children to always apologise when they hurt others, even if unintentionally, so she had to do the same.

Her apology was delivered in such an awful way that it enraged the community even more. An unfelt apology is worse than no apology. However, her remark as a parent made me reflect on how I am teaching children to apologise in my home. Seeing how she failed to apologise, I realised that I consistently make the mistake of not teaching my children about reparations.

I am teaching them that if they do someone wrong – no matter the trigger – they need to apologise. I’m teaching them that while hurting someone by accident is less severe that doing so with intention, it still requires an apology. However, like many parents (including Michelle), I am mixing apology with reparation. Saying sorry is a must, so it is to reflect on the impact of your actions and offering to fix them. I realise this is not practical in all circumstances, but it’s an essential part of the process of learning from own mistakes.

Is failing to address the impact of our mistakes the reason why we live in a world of people who cannot apologise? While a celebrity with a big platform messing up has resonates loud, I see this consistent failure in addressing the consequences of mistakes in most people, from friends to strangers online. Even when someone has the guts to say ‘sorry’, there is hardly a recognition of the impact their mistake had. Most public apologies we witness share the same faulty structure:

• the persone apologising hardly speaks of the the harmed party beside a superficial mention;
• they don’t address the impact of the mistake;
• often they define what happened an unfortunate accident. Then they deflect from the mistake and proceed to prove that they have many qualities and this episode does not represent who they are;
• the person apologising fails to address how they plan to repair their wrong or to prevent the same from happening in the future.

Seeing celebrities, politicians, and influential people behaving like this after mistakes has normalised these terrible apologies.

I grew up in an household where the world ‘sorry’ was hardly spoken and never from my parents. My parents raised me to believe apologising was a sign of weakness and a threat to authority. As an adult I quickly discarded this notion. Now I realise that teaching my children to have the courage to apologise and be vulnerable is not enough. A good apology places the hurt person at the center of it. A good apology goes hand-in-hand with an awareness of why what was done was wrong and how it has affected others. The person apologising cannot afford to be defensive or place their own shame in front of everything else.

I dedicate energy to train my children’s emotional intelligence. This shall include how to regulate their emotions when they are at fault, learn to apologise, and above all make amends.

Features Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash.