The voices in the blog series Daddy’s Got This are growing diverse. I asked Tristan, an expat dad living in Norway who blogs in French at Barbapapa, to share his perspective and story. Tristan enjoys the equal policies of Norway: he put a pin on his career to take care of his two children and equally share the load with his wife. His blog is not only a testimony about a personal experience, but it’s crossing European borders and stimulating a lively discussion about parental policies back in France.

I probably became a blogger on that specific day, when the official subtitle appeared under my face. I was invited to debate on gender equality by a French media for women (Femmes Actuelles) in a TV studio surrounded by washing machines. “Your blog about paternity leave in Norway did catch our attention”, said the producer to me, paying my ticket from Oslo to Paris. She wanted to hear the stories of a French manager in Scandinavia, putting on hold his career for several months to take care of his baby. From managing a team to changing dippers at home, in a country where 70% of fathers take at least three months of parental leave.

When I started my blog (in French – barbapapa.blog), I knew my experience and my engagement would surprise the French audience. For several reasons: being a man and blogging about paternity is very rare. Gender equality is a hot topic. Scandinavian system is fascinating. The new generation of French fathers is more and more willing to have longer paternity leave. I was excited to start my pappaperm (paternity leave, ed.) and spend time with my baby. And to blog about it.

I was of course describing the daily routine of taking care of a baby. I was just doing what all mothers in France were doing. But I was a man, engaged, and my stories were considered as entertaining. So what I was doing was redefining fatherhood. And this went bigger than expected.

My blog raised quickly media attention: France Info TV did a web video about me viewed 2.5 million times, in which I publicly ask French government to take inspiration from the Nordic system. The Huffington post had already published my first article. “The day I announced my long parental leave to my manager” where I compared myself to my former women colleagues in France and I was stressed like a pregnant woman. I got interviewed by many magazines and three major TV channels France 2, M6 and Arte travelled to Norway to perform a TV reportage where I was the key character. 

My story was unique as I could chronicle the two paternity leaves I enjoyed: ten days for my first child born in France and five months full paid parental leave (same as my wife) for my second child born in Norway. I insisted on a key difference that I mentioned in many of my articles: in Oslo, I was taking care of my baby alone as my wife was back to work. I wasn’t a co-pilot, I was a pilot. I was in charge, on my own. This is an element that is a game changer for the society as it gives the whole responsibility to the father.

Through my daily routine with my baby, I was also describing the new generation of fathers that take and enjoy parental leave. “Fathers from the North that will shake up France” was my big idea. The tone of my articles was always positive, driven by sense of humor, engagement and sincerity. At the beginning of my leave, I was afraid of loneliness, boring time, and long monologue with my baby. I figured out that in Oslo, paternity leave is a way to discover new people and friends. I had an activity almost every day where I met other parents: collective promenade in the forest organized by an association (DNT), baby swimming, playgrounds. I met new friends like Mikkel, who taught me how to fish while carrying a baby; Pierre, whom I attended a class “how to cook food for your baby” with; Einar, whom I was doing papa and baby yoga with.

Of course, it does not sound very “masculine” for southern Europeans. And very often, I was called names, especially when my articles were political. But it did not stop me and it didn’t really bother me.

My initial thought was to address my articles to men, young or soon-to-be fathers. But very few read parenting blogs. The trend is a bit changing, but it goes slowly. I realised quickly most of my readers were young urban French mothers, aka “digital mums”. My experiences reminded them of their own maternity leave and they were projecting my paternity leave on their husband. “When I read your stories Tristan, I am always wondering how my husband would have lived it. I sent him your last article! ”, was a typical message I would receive. “My wife is following you”, many men would tell me (which annoyed me a bit!).

Many digital mums criticized the fact that I was too optimistic in my version of the leave. Sometimes, I wrote articles to please my audience! They appreciated a lot “The man who saw the bottle of milk half full” where I described the difficulties of the tasks. I recently read in an article that «immigrants in Norway were particularly attached to the pappa-perm as they cannot take long leave it in their homeland.” I could identity myself in that.

The blog reached its highest popularity when the Norwegian TV network, NRK, interviewed me: social media, online articles, videos in the news. If you want to practice your Norwegian, have a look!

My commitment will continue. “Never forget that a long parental leave will help you to be a better father, a better husband but also a better manager”, said a Norwegian father on his blog. “And a better writer”? I just signed a contract with one of the most famous publisher, Hachette, to have a book version of the blog.
A book from North Europe that will shake up France.

About the author

Tristan is a French father of two living in Norway. He writes in French on his parenting blog Barbapapa. You can follow his family adventures also on Facebook and Instagram.

The post Daddy’s Got This #9 | Barbapapa, A French Dad In Norway appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My guest today is Kasia aka Kathy, who is currently living in Copenhagen, Denmark with her family, she is the founder of Active Action a company that facilitates workshops for Expat spouses/partners and provides consulting services. Kathy is also a writer and contributes on a regular basis to The International Denmark.

Kasia  was born in Poland, and due to very difficult times in the 80’s her parents decided to leave their homeland and go to USA. There, Kasia spent her formative years until her twenties when she decided  to go back to Poland, which she never really left behind. While living and working In Poland, she met her husband, who interestingly comes from a culturally blended family. Kasia moved to Denmark, where they settled and started a family.  Kasia’s  journey is a fascinating example of exploration of cultures as well as self-determination.

Can you share an overview of your background?

I was born in Poland, my parents are both Polish. Life just takes us on all these journeys. For my parents, it was what happened in Poland: the political changes and life itself made them think about what they wanted for their family. That, took us on a journey first to Germany and then to the United States as political refugees. From the age of 10 to 23 I lived in Chicago. I always felt a very strong tie to Poland, it was really, really such strong pull I had. Maybe it was because I had good memories as a child, I was very close with my grandparents. Because we started moving around when I was a child,  I am a Cross Cultural Adult, a Re-pat and an Expat, all in one.

You were in Germany for how long?

It was a year and a half, but I was very lucky in the sense of schools and teachers that I met. In Germany, I went to a special class for international kids. It was a small class, about 20 of us, with all sorts of international backgrounds. We had a great teacher, her job was to teach us German so that we could actually enter the German schools. I learned German in less than a year. When I found out that I could go to a German school, we got our visas and we moved to the US. Once again I had to start all over…

How did your family communicate?

My parents were quite strict with speaking Polish. When I became fluent in English I thought, this is great, now I can speak it also at home. My parents said no no no. They kept Polish as the family language. I’m very thankful because I had friends whose parents were more lenient  and left the mother tongue language behind to practice English. This of course had consequences.

My parents were very good about giving me a strong cultural base. We kept to our Polish traditions for example, celebrating the holidays in a traditional way. It wasn’t easy because our family was back in Poland, and for a long time the holidays were almost a sad thing. We couldn’t visit because at that time communism was raging in Poland. If we were to go back, we wouldn’t be able to leave again. I think all of us felt nostalgia and missed our families so, we often celebrated holidays like Christmas and Easter with other Polish families.

Did your friends belong to multicultural families or were they well rooted in the American identity?

It was mixed, American as well as some first generation kids. I had 2 very, very good friends who were also Polish. Then I had some Mexican and German friends who were first generation. For them it was it was similar since they were speaking Spanish at home, ate Mexican food, celebrated different holidays.

The United States allowed me to experience so many cultures and religion. I am grateful for growing up with such a diverse group of friends. I was always very proud of my traditions and my background.

When you were 23, you went back to Poland. Why?

When I finished high school, I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do in life. Initially, I was interested in becoming a physical therapist, there was an opportunity to study physical therapy in Poland and after obtaining the degree go back to the United States. That was the original plan, but then my dad fell sick and after a while my parents decided to move back to Poland for him to easily access medical care.

It would be about a year before they could move away from US. In the meantime, I decided to change my studies and  pursued Cultural Studies in Poland.

When you moved to Poland, did you find yourself proficient in Polish? Speaking Polish at home compared to the university vocabulary must have been different, was it hard?

It was my first huge challenge. I remember when I stepped into the university speaking to my new colleagues was fine. But we went into a class and it was called the Sociology of Culture. The professor started speaking, and I thought, I don’t understand anything. I remember that I was actually trying to take the notes in English because at that time I was more comfortable with academic language in English. I thought, Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? I bought myself a Polish – Polish dictionary and I spent so much time just preparing and going over notes. I had friends that would help me out and they would give me their notes. The first year of my studies was a big struggle. I had to focus a lot on filling this gap.

You were studying in Poland, what happened next?

While studying, I started working. I was able to do a lot of translations, working as an interpreter. I found out there was a school for translators where you could get a diploma and become a certified translator. I was studying two different things at the same time, while doing a bit of work on the side. When I got my Master degrees in Cultural Studies and as a certified translator, I was hired as a teacher. This was another challenge because it was not something I had done before. My first teaching job was at a big corporation, a Portuguese company that had opened a chain of stores in Poland. I really enjoyed teaching and working with people. Later, I opened my own business, teaching corporate English. I was very busy and worked long hours. I had a nice apartment, I had a nice social life, but I was alone. And, you know, when you put it out there things happen. I met my Danish husband in Poland shortly after. Things happened quite fast, we were pretty sure that we wanted to be together. It was difficult because his background is in construction, engineering and architecture. For him to be in Poland would have been very difficult because he would have to know the Polish building laws and speak fluent Polish. We thought that it would be better if I moved to Denmark and that’s what we did. And it was the hardest thing ever.

How come?

Well, first and foremost I had a lot of expectations. Looking back, they were not at all realistic. I think it was typical and something many internationals/expats struggle with. The first year, we travelled back and forth – the joys of a long distance relationship. You never get a clear picture of everyday life when you are in a holiday mode. The reality was very different from my expectations.

We started our lives in Odense, the third largest city in Denmark. However, 10 years ago this city was very different from what it is today. Back then, there was not a lot of interest in the Internationals and what they were struggling with. It was tough and I felt alone. Through Danish classes I was able to meet some wonderful friends. I also decided to study in Odense because I felt completely burnt out and wanted to do something for myself. Studying in Denmark was great, but I did not meet as many people as I hoped. My fellow students were a bit younger and in a different place in their lives.

The most difficult time came around when I finished studies and I started looking for work. I was looking for a specific job that would fit, my basic knowledge of Danish, my qualifications and was in the city where I was living. When I arrived in Denmark, I went from working all the time to my husband being the sole breadwinner. This was a drastic change that made me feel like I was not contributing. Living in a new country with a new language – not an easy one is hard. When you add to it unemployment , it gets even more tricky.

When I started looking for work, I thought it would be easy: I was highly educated, had experience and spoke a few languages. It was probably a year and a half of trying to find work. I went through all the whys. Why don’t they want to hire me? What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? I mean, it was a very negative mindset, and I was heading for severe depression. Then my husband and I came to a conclusion that we would give it six months, and if I didn’t get hired we would move to Poland. Sometimes, we have to look at things in a different perspective.

I started to apply for a lot of different jobs and actually started listening to the advice people were giving me. They told me I was doing things “the Polish way”. Some people told me to visit potential workplaces in person. The first one I went to, I got an interview right away. In the end I landed a job, which I had not held previously, but I had the skills that were needed for this position. I think it is important to be aware that as expats we often have to step out of our comfort zones. I began working as a Marketing Specialist in an International company. I was very happy to finally be employed. So much so, that I was willing to commute to the other side of Denmark. We eventually moved, so that both of us had  the same commuting distance in different directions. I was there for over 2 years, and then I got pregnant. When my year of maternity leave was coming to an end, I started feeling like I didn’t want to go back to work. So I gave up the job that I searched for so long. I stayed home with my daughter for three years. While I was on maternity leave I founded an international moms’ group. I really wanted to have other women who are internationals around me. I felt a need to have like minded women who could relate to one another, discuss raising kids, what challenges we were going through, especially as expats without family support.

When we signed our daughter up for preschool, my husband received a job offer in Copenhagen. His parents live there, and we thought it was a good time to make a transition. Once again, It was my time again to think about what I would like to do. What a gift, to be able to find something you love and call it work.  I knew I wanted to be my own boss again and I wanted to help other internationals so, I founded Active Action.

What does Active Action do exactly?

Active Action supports companies, organisations and institutions in order to increase attraction and specifically retention. Through our workshops, programs and consultations we provide the tools which enable Internationals, their employers and communities to find mutual understanding and solutions. Active Action is all about smoother transitions, acknowledgement, raising cultural awareness and providing solutions for each International and their families, for the employers and employees, for the municipalities and organisations welcoming newcomers.

Basically, Active Action is all about supporting Expat Spouses/Partners so that they have smoother transitions into a new host country and that they obtain the tools and knowledge to lead thriving lives abroad.

When you do the workshops, who are your customers?

My customers range from international companies, universities that hire large amounts expats and internationals to municipalities and embassies. I also provide consulting services.

Going back to your family, what languages do you speak at home?

My husband and I speak English to each other. My husband speaks Danish to our daughter and I speak Polish to her. I understand Danish and my husband has taken Polish classes, he understands most of what I say. Understanding one another’s mother tongue is a huge advantage and this way no one is ever excluded from conversations.

You are native in two languages. Did it make it easier for you to learn Danish? Does it affect the way you express yourself?

Take for example my name. When I came to Denmark, I would use my Polish name but people would just butcher it with the worst pronunciations. I started using my American name, which is Kathy, much easier. But honestly, when people ask me, I say you can choose whichever you want, they are parallel for me. I feel like I have a split personality because I feel equally comfortable in both. My whole life I was kind of two people, my Polish self at home, with my family, but then I also always had the international me, when using English.

Learning Danish as an adult was actually quite difficult. I don’t have any difficulty expressing myself in English and Polish, now Danish is a different story…

Overall, would you say being raised in a multicultural environment was an asset for you? Why?

Growing up in a multicultural environment was one of the greatest gifts I have received in my life. It has shaped me into the person I am today. It made me interested in different cultures, languages, cuisines, travel and people. I also learned to communicate, be friends with, work with and live among various nations and religions. I am open, tolerant and respectful of people and curious about the world. I think it was wonderful to grow up and have friends from all over the world. I think that is partially the reason why I live abroad myself. Now, my husband and I are able to give this gift to our daughter.

No doubt Kasia will be up for the challenge of helping expat spouses integrating in the Danish job market, thanks to her personal experience, professional expertise, and incredible drive. Once again, it’s inspiring to witness the openness that derives from getting to know new places and cultures. If you want to follow Kasia’s work and story, like Active Action Facebook page or follow her on Instagram.

The post Growing up in a multicultural family. Parallel identities: Kasia’s story appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I’m so glad to welcome today a guest dad blogger from Canada, Matt from Dashing Dad. While reading his post I was alternating laughs with “awww“s. His learnings perfectly align with my own conclusions, even though it took way longer than a year for me to reach them. How powerful can mum guilt drag us back! It feels comforting and validating when a father comes to the same realisations as we mothers do, namely on the importance of self-care, on how not to lose focus on the parents’ relationship, as well as ways to keep our sanity while at home with the kids. But enough of my opinions, please enjoy Matt’s post and don’t forget to follow his family adventures on his blog and social media (Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest / Facebook).

***

My name is Matt, I am the host of Dashing Dad and have been a stay-at-home Dad for just over one year with my beautiful daughter in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I won’t lie to you, I think being a stay-at-home Dad is the greatest job in the world. There hasn’t been a day where I have thought to myself “Man I wish I was back at work,” or “boy I miss those long commutes in rush hour traffic.”

While I have read many instances of SAHD’s being judged or looked down upon for their decision, I have been fortunate that has not been my experience. I have both a loving and supportive wife as well as a supportive community. I realize I’m lucky and that these opportunities to spend time with my daughter are fleeting.

Going into being a Dad I had little idea of what to expect and what to do. While I’m far from perfect, I have learned a lot in my first year. Here’s some of the main things.

Activities are a sanity saver

Obviously, everyone’s personalities and parenting styles are different, but for me I need to be doing something. Sitting at home and doing nothing is difficult for me most days. Sure, the odd Sunday when it’s the middle of February and -40, it’s great to curl up at home and not leave the couch, but for the most part I need to be out and about. As far as the day-to-day life at home is concerned, this has meant planning my weeks out with activities to do each day. Since Clara still blesses me with long afternoon naps (I know how lucky I am and I’m soaking them in while they still last) most of the things I plan are in the morning. 

all of this helps me keep my sanity and helps the days pass much quicker. Speaking of time passing quickly…

Long days, short months – I get it

I was told frequently before having Clara how fast time would move. As I shifted into becoming a SAHD the expression long days, short months or long days, short years was thrown around quite a bit and boy do I get it.

When you’re in the day-to-day life of being home the days can DRAG by. Especially on weeks where either you or your child aren’t your best self(s). Clara has just turned two and a few weeks ago flipped a switch straight into terrible twos. By the end of the first week of dealing with it, I was done and needed a break. But as I sit back and reflect on it, that was now almost two months ago, and I can’t believe it’s already 2019. Before I know it, she’ll be heading to pre-school and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for that.

Patience is important but requires daily practice

When kids aren’t actively trying to kill themselves – which let’s be honest is pretty much 24-hours-a-day – they’re pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. It’s natural and it’s a part of growing up – but that doesn’t make it easy. As the days start to pile on top of one another, and you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again, your patience can wear thin. Or disappear completely.

For me learning to deal with that has meant recognizing when I’m at my wits end and taking a step back. Doing something selfishly for myself, whether it be sitting on the couch doing nothing during nap, going for a bike ride, or going out for drinks with friends, it’s important for me that I do those things so that my lack of patience doesn’t carry over into the next day.

Keeping our marriage strong takes work

As much as you may love being a stay-at-home parent, or as much as your partner may enjoy their job it’s vitally important to take time for your relationship. In the first year of being a stay-at-home dad, it took a few months before Dashing Mom and I had a clear feeling of what our new roles were in the family. That is still evolving, and we are doing a better job of checking in with each other to see how we’re doing. These little chats can feel like coming up for air from the underwater chaos that is everyday life.

Lots of people talk about putting their kids first, but in our family,  Clara comes second and our relationship comes first. Kids learn so much by watching the way their parents interact. It’s how they build a foundation of how relationships should look and what a marriage is.

Not taking care of your relationship can create children that are potentially dependent longer than they should be and that have a sense of entitlement. It can also create a toxic relationship with your spouse filled with resentment and hurt feelings.

For us, taking the time for each other can be as simple as having a long discussion about our days and the plans for the upcoming weeks. It can mean a date night, or a short overnight trip to the mountains. Sometimes it can even mean taking Clara to the park and chatting while she plays. But it does take a focused effort to make sure we do these things, otherwise before we know it months will have gone by and we won’t have had a meaningful talk about anything (see: long days, short months above).

I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s OK

Parenting has come with a shocking amount of learning. Sleep schedules, snacks, girls hairstyles, clothes (how many layers does a baby need to sleep in?!?!?!?) the learning is never ending and I constantly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

But that’s ok.

Part of being a parent, I’ve found, is learning on the go and learning to roll with the punches. Doing what works for our family and not feeling guilty about it. That also means not judging other families for what works for them. And when worse comes to worse, there’s always our good friend Google (I never thought I would Google “how to get poop out of _____” so often).

The only constant is change

At times it’s downright cruel that just as you get used to your child doing something they go and change it.

“Good news, Clara loves grapes so I went and bought a pound of them!”

*Clara refuses to eat grapes for the next month.*

*I eat a pound of grapes.*

It makes sense that kids are constantly changing, especially in their early years, but it can still be annoying. I’m learning I need to embrace the constant change and just try to roll with it.

It’s all so worth it

Given the choice again, I would pick staying home over and over. Clara and I have a strong bond (although I completely cease to exist once mom is home lol) and I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to get to watch her grow up and all of the random hugs I get for anything in the world. I look forward to more outdoor adventures, teaching Clara new things, doing silly dances and watching her grow. While I’ve learned a lot in my first year as a stay-at-home dad, I’m under no delusions that my learning is done and I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.

You can find Dashing Dad at his blog Dashingdad.ca as well as on:

Instagram
Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest

He is also a finalist in the Best of Calgary awards, for Top Blogger.

The post Daddy’s Got This #8 | What I’ve learned in a year as a stay-at-home dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My twins turned two this week.  I’ve been a Stay at Home Dad for two years.  It seems like both a long time and not that long at all.  But my wife’s and my parental journey actually started more than two years ago.

The First Part of Our Journey

We tried, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for 2-3 years after we got married.  There were many cyclical months of hope, anxiousness, and despair and then looking towards the next month as we tried to start our family.  We thought something might be wrong and so we sought out a medical consultation.  My wife and I found out that naturally having kids would be very difficult and IVF gave us the best opportunity to have kids.  A lot of prayer, thought, and anxiety followed on our journey.  We both came from loving families and we both wanted to be parents, so we decided to move forward with IVF.  Even with our new hope of having a plan in place, the anxiousness never went away.  And we learned through our own hurt and loss that not all fertilized embryos make the transfer or become viable.

But it was the greatest joy when we found out we had a viable pregnancy with TWO little friends in there.  The hurt, the pain, the frustration all became worth it seeing those two little ones at our first ultrasound. Even with the anxiety and fear with having to induce 7+ weeks early and having Jacob and Lily spend 3 weeks in the NICU, we knew how blessed we were.

We had great medical staff in our NICU, but the initial experience is very disorienting.  Having the babies being rushed out of the delivery room surrounded by a medical team and having to leave my wife, even though I “knew” that was going to happen, can tear your heart in two.  I wanted to be with my wife and reassure her but I needed to be with our two new babies and try to remember everything that I was being told.  I didn’t remember 90% of what I was being told.  I just wanted to hold my wife or hold my new babies.  But all I could do was stand and watch as my kids were being intubated and hooked up to wires and tubes.

But that is just part of our story. The next part of our story, the story of “now” and the last two years, is the fun part.

The Second Part Our Journey

I read in one of my “Dad” books while Emily was pregnant that during pregnancy, mothers and fathers will envision their children differently.  Mothers will picture them as babies and snuggling with them.  Fathers will picture them 4ish-7ish years old actively playing with them.  And, honestly, that was how I was picturing the twins.  I wanted to be playing with them, roughhousing with them, making them laugh, having movie nights, playing LEGOs, beating them at board games, and things of that nature.  So, even though I was looking forward to all aspects of being a dad, that’s what I’ve been most looking forward to.

Having just turned two, Jacob and Lily have been at an awesome age where they are delightful to take on outings.  We love to go to the zoo, to the park, to Grandma and Grandpa’s pool, shopping, on visits to family and friends, or just outside to have lunch on our patio.  They love to play and explore.  I love to watch them learn new things and new words.  It’s incredible to see their minds making connections and learning.

Being a stay at home dad is still a relatively new concept in our society.  For our family, it made the most sense for me to stay home.  And I love it.  But there are still times that I can tell that it’s hard for others to accept.  At the grocery store or out shopping, I’ll get random comments or questions such as “Oh it’s dad’s day today, how nice”, “Giving mom a break, good for you”, or people giving me suggestions on where to take my kids or what to do with them as if I were at a loss with what to do with them and that was why we were at the store.

I try to be kind in return because, yes, my wife deserves every break she can get (although she’s generally at work when these comments are made) and the suggestions are sometimes (not usually) things that I’ve not done or thought of.  And if it casually comes out in these minute conversations that I actually stay home with the kids while my wife is off working, I can see the quick confusion and slight embarrassment on their face as they quickly end the conversation with an “oh, good for you” and walk away.

I cannot change society’s perception.  I can just continue to not be embarrassed to be a Stay at Home Dad. It’s the most fun, most exciting, most challenging thing I could be doing. Society will catch up.

The Next Part of Our Journey

Looking ahead is something that Emily and I need to remind ourselves to do so with caution. We know that we are the type of parents that are always anxious and looking at the milestones that we should be checking off with our kids.

Why aren’t they rolling over yet? Should they be crawling by now?  Uh oh, are they behind in their walking?  Why can’t they talk yet?  Should they be talking?  When do we start potty training?

We will sometimes get so focused on each stage of development that we forget to appreciate the growth that is happening and that has happened.  We worried for so long that they were behind in walking.  But that worry was for naught, as they both walk, run, and gallop all over the place now.

But those anxieties and milestones aside, we do still look ahead.  There will be school and school trips.  There will be activities and/or sports.  We love theatre and music in our house, so we’re looking forward to pushing (not forcing, more nudging) the arts.  We are looking forward to all these things.

And I know how lucky I am to be their Dad and to able to be there for them through this all.

About the author

I’m Leopold. I’m a Dad in my early 30s who loves to write and share stories.  I share those stories through my blog (stayathomestoryteller.wordpress.com) as well as on Facebook (@stayathomestoryteller) and on Twitter (@leopoldshircel).  I share stories of my life with my wife (Emily), twins (Jacob and Lily), and dog (Colby) as well as stories and poems covering other themes and topics as well.  We live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in the US.

The post Daddy’s Got This #7 | Life is a journey appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

About the author

Shannon Carpenter is a strapping older gentleman who enjoys the occasional doughnut topped with chocolate.  Who are we kidding, give him all the donuts. His writing can be found on his site Hossmanathome.com, The Good Men Project, and Robot Butt.  Follow him on twitter @Hossmanathome  Represented by Chris Kepner.

The post Daddy’s got this #6 | I’m Not A Daddy-Mommy. Please Don’t Call Me That. appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

***

Motherhood is a beautiful thing. It is full of things like gushing congratulations and the squeals of joy for the expectant mother. There are flowers, a baby shower, and countless pregnancy freebees. Other moms share all of their stories about labor and how happy you will be. However, the problem with being a bloke is that no one really expects much from you. No one really expects for the dad to have an opinion on anything, let alone to have any feelings. No one expects the dad to spend 14 hour-days taking care of their child. Why? Because according to most television programs and advertisements, dads only babysit. Only after being begged to watch their child either because mom has to take a trip to the hair salon or she is overdue for a night out with the girls.

The reality is we do have feelings. We give a damn about what our kids play with or eat. Dads have opinions; and some dads actually choose to stay at home, spending day after day taking care of their little ones and producing an income.

I am one of those dads. The one who you see in story time or the park, having a blast playing with my child. I don’t put him on the swing and spend an hour staring at my smartphone just wishing I was at home watching sports. We engage in make-believe. I teach him new words and I make sure that he is socialized with other children. I am also one of those dads who has an opinion on not having my house full of cheap plastic toys that produce toxic off-gases, and one of those dads who definitely has feelings about how incredible fatherhood is. I know the pain of stereotypical roles and I have had my share of many parenting fears.

The scary side of becoming a dad.

Labor is the process of childbirth, beginning at the start of a contraction which can last for 30 mins or for 40+hours. As men, we want to solve or fix things. But that is not how childbirth works. We feel just as helpless as the scene in the movie where the mom stands downstairs, being held back by firefighters, while her little girl cries for her from the 4th story window, of a burning building. As a modern man. I spent hours watching the Mama Natural courses. I have been told to “massage her back”, “bring her ice”, “walk her around”. None of these helps when a 7 to 10-pound life-form is preparing the mothership for a departure. It is painful for the mom and mentally and emotionally painful for the dad to be helpless and not understand when this torture will end.

As far as the hospital goes, all I can saw is God bless the family who can safely deliver their newborn in a those warm-calm water births I see on YouTube. Having a water birth is something I knew I wanted for my child, approximately 15 years before I was even expecting. I am the type of parent to be who read all the benefits and watched documentaries on how beneficial and calming this would be for both the mom and the baby. In the United States, if the mother to be is 35 years or older, she is considered a high-risk pregnancy and there are countless concerns that are explained to you.

Needless to say, we decided on a hospital delivery. After spending approximately 22 hours tracking contractions and wondering when is the right time to go to the hospital, we finally decided it was time.  Upon arriving at the emergency room; completing all of the forms and the pit crew of nurses finished buzzing around doing their jobs, we experience another 19 hours of labor. That is a total of 41 hours if you are keeping track. At this point, the doctor says, “I know you wanted to deliver naturally, but we feel it would be best if you have a cesarean”. Which in my case, meant more documents to sign and having to listen to the horrific possible complication that the anesthesiologist has to explain. This is where things get really scary and really sad. Recounting these memories as I type is making me tear-up, thinking about what happened more than 3 years ago.

Our first pregnancy

This is where this story has a backstory. Prior to Remy being born, we were pregnant and we had to rush to the emergency room due to extreme pain and a really high fever. This hospital visit resulting in getting to hear the heartbeat of our unborn child and then being told that the pregnancy was ectopic, which required a section of the fallopian tube to be removed. Apparently, it is common for ectopic pregnancies to rupture, so after spending 3-4 hours in a waiting room, we were rushed into surgery. Because there was a rupture, the bleeding needed to be stopped. The three saddest parts about this experience were:

• Hearing a doctor describe all of the possible complications that could happen and not knowing what the outcome will be, or how long the surgery will take.
• Having the opportunity to hear the heartbeat of your unborn child and then being told, “there is a chance you could still get pregnant in the future or you may want to look into other options”.
• Not having a understanding of what an ectopic pregnancy is or what was happening, until I had to stop one of the doctors and ask them to explain things to me as if I didn’t go to medical school.
  I feel sorry for anyone who has to experience the kind of poor communication that we went through with this medical staff.

I have to say it has been more than four years and I still get teary-eyed just recalling the details of that night.

Welcoming the New Baby

Fast forward to the present.
Having my son placed in my arms was magical. I think most people take for granted the beauty of our ability to create life. It is truly mind-blowing to have a miniature version of yourself that you are responsible for protecting, feeding, and raising. There is not a sentence in the English language to describe how this feels. As exhausting as being a new parent can be, I feel that I spent my first month walking around in awe just thinking, “Wow, I have a baby”. I also enjoyed swaddling my little guy and going outside to enjoy some time in the sunshine. However, now that Remy was born all of the talk about becoming a stay-at-home now has to transition into reality.

Working Moms and At-Home Dad

Research and social observations show that children benefit from having a parent at home with them during their early developmental years. However, the decision of one parent to take a pause from work and their career while the other parent takes the role of a stay at home mom or dad is a major challenge in the lives of most. The reality is that this may not be a financial or emotional-realist option for some people. For some people and especially women, taking a pause or extended leave from a career can cause pain or setbacks in advancement. A recent study reports that US working women with children earn less than working women without children.

Because of this, on a global scale, more men are taking on the role of staying home with their kids. There are several reasons for this shift ranging from the wife making more money to the dad having more opportunity to work remotely or from home. In some cases, the dad may have more patience or more teaching aptitude to step into the role as a homeschooling parent. Regardless of the reason, more men are taking on the role of stay-at-home dad.

Being a stay-at-home dad comes with a lot of misunderstandings, discrimination from society and isolation for some. Some dads have reported hearing comments like: “How could you leave the career that you’ve been working on for so many years!”; “Are you sure you want to become a housewife?”; and many others. Other dads struggle with finding activities to do with their children during the day, while trying not to feel like an outcast in a room full of moms.

What it all comes down to is that some may feel that the mother is a better person for discipline or that the dad is better at making meals and/or teaching their children. When it comes to parenting, we all have different skills and abilities. So whoever gets the privilege of being the stay-at-home parent should just enjoy it! This is both the hardest and the best job I have ever had. It is also the most important job I will ever have and I see the results each time I see the smile on Remy’s face!

If only we could get books, movies, and commercials to feature positive images of stay-at-home dads, we may start to see a real change in gender equality and watch fathers around the world stepping into more active roles with their children. Happy parenting!

About the author

I’m Ray, a forty-something stay-at-home dad/ work-at-home dad, private chef and creator of DadsintheHouse.com and @Remys_Dad. Prior to embarking on my role as a new father, I spent countless hours researching how to be a new parent and what are the parenting struggles that stay-at-home moms and dads experience. After finding that most of the books were outdated and/or are only covering topics on breastfeeding or why men should make the wives happy by cleaning the house, I created DadsintheHouse.com to share positive parenting research, real stories from parents on how to handle the parenting struggles of family travel, eating real food and wellness.

Additionally, I am the Organizer of SacDadsGroup, a meetup group for active-dads who are looking to connect with other dads, find play opportunities for their children or spend time doing the “typical mom things” without feeling like an isolated dad.

The post Daddy’s got this #5 | Feelings, joys, and worries of a dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

The 4th post of Daddy’s Got This sees John-Paul, a stay-at-home father of three based in UK. When his first child was born, he slowly came to the decision of leaving his career to spend more time with his family. Now, two more kids later, he gives an account of how he sees parenting and being the main carer for his kids.

***

At the age of 33 I gave up a career I was proud of to become a stay-at-home dad.

The decision was not immediate; I started by taking paternity leave, then shared parental leave, then my wife Naomi and I both worked fewer days. But becoming a father had given me purpose. I wanted to dedicate myself to my children and there was no balance to be struck: work took me away when I felt I should be home.

And so I became a full-time dad. Our eldest was two and our second was due. Our family grew and a couple of years later I was the main carer for our three young children.

The world into which my children have been born excites me. Today’s – and tomorrow’s – opportunities in the arts, science, sport, technology and politics would be utterly incomprehensible to previous generations.

But it is not a world without fault or risk. Until #MeToo, everyday harassment was something girls could expect to put up with and boys feel pressured to take part in. And though our girls will benefit from the courage of generations of women, there will be more to do. Our boys continue to be damaged by low expectations of both their academic and emotional development epitomised in the lazy mantra, ‘boys will be boys’. Beauty, of both girls and boys, is too often measured in how our bodies look rather than what they help us to achieve.

Against this backdrop, I feel deeply the traditional call to protect and provide for my children. My interpretation is to prepare them to see off life’s threats, take advantage of its possibilities and pass that gift on to others. To set the tone for a lifetime right from birth.

‘How?’ was a question that thrilled me; Naomi and I discussed it daily for years (we still do). I didn’t want simply to be rule setter, with the children deferring to me for judgements of right or wrong. Rather, I set out to bestow a principle that I felt would carry them through life. The words that worked for us were: treat people well – including yourself.

From this came four behaviours which we reward, reinforce when broken and repeat ad-nauseam: be kind with your words, gentle with your touch, generous with your spirit and brave with your actions. These expectations apply equally to all of us in the family; parents and children.

And we thought about how strong emotions – anger, jealousy, fear – can cause us to stray from our values. So I try to help the children understand these emotions as early warning signs from the girl or boy in the mirror. Cries of hunger, tiredness, over-indulgence, injustice or for independence need to be heard and the child in the mirror nurtured to find their peace.

I hope that constant repetition means in time those words will come to form the inner voice that guides the children, particularly when they are faced with fear, anger or injustice.

To put all this into practice we help them to trust their own voice and the power it can carry. They can say ‘no’ to unwanted cuddles or ‘stop’ when the tickles are too much. We teach them they can question and disagree with what they see and hear from adults, books and television – and also how to judge and trust reliable sources that help them learn. When they have an idea, I try to say ‘yes, let’s do it’ even when the task is doomed – because there is much to learn from failure, in particular that our relationship is not in jeopardy when it happens.

Between the school run, cooking and all the other zillions of functional tasks, we try to teach them to love learning – by reading together, talking about their questions or doing school work together. In those few moments of peace I like them to see me reach for a book rather than a phone. I’ve learned to be consistent about meal-times, bed-times and screen-time so we know they will have the energy throughout the day to learn and grow. With three you can’t hover, but I try to give each child some one-on-one time every day because I see how positive attention removes their doubt, feeds their souls and assures them of their value to our world. And I try to make sure whatever we do includes a bit of fun, laughter or silliness – we try never to hide a smile.

For better or for worse my children are always watching and I am their teacher – with every word I utter and decision I make. I challenge myself daily and they call me out for not living up to our expectations. I say a proper sorry when I’ve got something wrong. How I behave will be what they’ll come to expect of all men. And so I have to live the values I hope to pass on.

Fatherhood gives me a reason to become a better man. I have changed what I eat, how much I drink and how I drive. When one of our children became fearful in social situations I found the courage to seek help for the social anxiety that had undermined, inhibited and isolated me for as long as I am able to remember. I have also had cause to reflect on how I talk to those in positions of power and those who are not. Both on social media and in the real world I have dialled up the respect that I afford to women, including to Naomi – and we work together on maintaining a loving relationship that isn’t only about sharing out the to-do list.

It’s demanding. Significantly more so than anything else I’ve taken on and simply not possible without both Naomi and I being fully committed. Even so, I fall short more often that I’d like and feel guilty for that. I can be fractious and testy when running late (a daily occurrence). And quickly overwhelmed when everyone talks to me at the same time (they do it anyway). In general, however, I benefit when I don’t sweat the small stuff. Though deeply frustrating, fussy eating, temper tantrums and pushing boundaries are, I think, just as much a part of learning as the toddler who stumbles, the wannabe golfer who shanks a shot or the novice violinist who hits a bum note. Ironing out the faults takes several thousand positive repetitions.

Seeing my children grow is, for me, a joy that has never been matched. So long as our finances can take it, there is no job I can envisage that could take me away from them, until school takes them away from me.

At the third time of asking, however, raising a child does not challenge me as before. Now I know more or less what I’m doing and how I want to do it. This is a blessing and a curse. No longer so absorbed, I can lift my head and see more of the world I am missing. And now, for the first time since I gave up my career, I feel resentment. Life’s balance is wrong and the boy in the mirror cries at the injustice. So, to be a better father and husband, I now need to do a little bit more of what I enjoy and in so doing, show the children that it’s ok for me to do things other than be their dad. Blogging is part of that.

But there is a further challenge. I was a young man (looking back perhaps still a boy) when my first child was born. I will be forty when my youngest starts school. While I was consumed with my family, the world did not wait. Naomi has been promoted, repeatedly. Friends have moved up or moved on. Colleagues have lost touch. Once I was me. Now I am my children’s dad. Memories of my work achievements have faded, anecdotes grown old, skills rusted. Doubt has taken hold.

A world that looks so full of possibility for my children can look intimidating to me. While I have given my energies to help shape and grow their worlds, my own has shrunk. I now question whether I could do jobs that I did successfully in the past. When I left university for work, I did so alongside my peers. But now my peers have left me behind.  This time, I’ll need to make that move alone. I fear that I won’t find my feet. I will fall. I will fail.

Except, of course, I am not alone.

My children are here; I am still their teacher. And so I have no choice but to accept the fear and try set an example to follow. And of course remember that millions of women (and yes, a few men) have also faced exactly this challenge. For all the thinking I’ve done, I don’t know if my approach to parenting will turn out to be the best I could have achieved. But the least I can do is try to live up to the expectations I have set: it’s my turn to be brave.

About the author

John-Paul Wares gave up his career in 2013 to become a stay-at-home dad to his three young children. Before that he worked for Crisis setting up services for homeless people and in parliament helping MPs serve their constituents. Now, in the few spare minutes between playing, caring and cooking, he blogs on social and political issues at MoreThanJustaDad.com.

The post Daddy’s got this #4 | Being brave: five years as a stay-at-home dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

In the third post of this series “Daddy’s Got This” I host the legendary blogger John Adams from Dad Blog UK. He’s the patron of stay-at-home dads, at least those in the blogosphere! Beside on his blog, you can find him on Twitter and Instagram. Read a taste of his story here now.

***

I am often asked how I came to be a stay at home father. The answer is very simple: I volunteered for it.

It was back in 2011 and our daughter Helen, was at nursery five days a week. We’d missed a few important milestones as they’d happened while she was at childcare. I was unhappy in my job and my wife earned more money.

We wanted Helen to have more parental attention and it made sense for me to give up my job and become her main carer. It was an entirely practical decision.

At first, I left my job and took on a part-time job with a local charity. This gave me some time at home with Helen and enabled me to keep my skills up to date.

We then had a second daughter, Izzy. Helen also started school and life became too busy and stressful so I left the workforce altogether.

There is definitely resistance to the idea of men being stay at home dads. You may be surprised to hear that, in my experience, men are very open to the idea.

Resistance can come from mums. It’s important to stress that some women are very accepting of the stay at home dads and I think there’s a very clear difference with younger women being more accepting of men looking after children.

For some women, being a mother gives them status. If men actively want to be the main carer for their kids, well, that’s a threat to their status as mothers.

I think some employers also resist the concept of stay at home fathers. Some employers offer better maternity benefits than paternity benefits. Men are not encouraged to take shared parental leave, certainly for no more than a few weeks.

Employers are used to the idea than women might take time out of the workforce to raise children. It gives them certainty. If men start using their rights, well, you remove that certainty. This is, of course, very short sighted. If employers don’t offer flexibility they risk loosing female talent.

As an aside, I am very worried about Brexit. The politicians spearheading Brexit are not known for being socially liberal. If our labour laws are relaxed, the impact on family life for men, women and children could be disastrous.

This is all very theoretical stuff. You probably want to know what it’s been like for me.

I feel genuinely blessed to spend so much time with my children. Very few men have these opportunities.

Apart from pregnancy and breastfeeding, there is nothing, I repeat nothing a woman can do that I can’t. I go shopping for school uniform, I liaise with my childrens’ school teachers, I cook my children’ meals, I make them eat fruit and vegetables, I organise play dates, I do homework and so on. I’m quite capable of all these things.

With two daughters I have also spoken to them about periods. Of course I have got my wife to talk to them about the subject as well, but why shouldn’t I be able to talk about puberty and what will happen to them in the future?

The one thing I dislike about being a stay at home father is the loneliness. I know this is an issue for mums, but for dads it is more acute. Parenting groups usually service the needs of mums and aren’t always very welcoming to dads.

This creates another issue, the saddest of all. As mums all socialise with each other, their children socialise with each other. As I am not included, my children are not included. I don’t think it’s such an issue now Helen and Izzy are at school, but in their younger days, my kids were socially excluded.

I describe myself as a rabid libertarian. I think whatever works for your family, you should do. If daddy is a soldier and is away from home for six months at a time, well, mummy is going to run things at home. Likewise, mummy might be the soldier. If that’s the case, daddy will need to keep things going at home.

Unfortunately, we’re not in a place where it’s so simple. Sure, from a UK perspective there are very few laws or rules stopping men from being fully engaged, active fathers. Informally, however, those rules still exist. For the sake of our children, we need to change how we think about families and be more willing accept stay at home fathers and acknowledge that men make excellent carers. We’re no better than women, but most men rarely get the chance to prove.

About the author

John Adams is a father of two daughters: Helen aged eleven and Izzy aged eight. He lives near London in the United Kingdom with his daughters and wife Gill. Since 2011 John has been the main carer for his children. He blogs about his experiences at https://dadbloguk.com and can be found on Instagram and Twitter as @dadbloguk.

If you like this post, check out also:
Being a stay-at-home dad | The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
A roller-coaster ride: life of a stay-at-home dad
How it feels to go back to work after my parental leave

The post Daddy’s got this #3 – Let’s give fathers a real chance appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

This series “Daddy’s Got This” is gaining momentum and this time I’m please to introduce Andrei from Daddy Is Home, father to a lovely toddler boy. You can find him also on Twitter and Instagram. Let’s read how his daily life looks like.

***

I have the pleasure, I would even say privilege, to be a stay-at-home dad to a beautiful, curious, energetic 2 year old boy, Lucas. I have been a stay-at-home dad for over 6 months now and there is no end in sight. As with most things we experience first hand, we discover there are some awesome things and some not so pleasant ones. Being a stay-at-home dad is just like that, it has its ups but it also has its downs. It’s all a matter of perspective (as is everything), what one stay-at-home dad loves, another may not like. So the following pluses and minuses on being a stay-at-home dad are my own but I’m sure many other SAHDs would agree with them.

Pluses

Time – I was in college, long before thinking of becoming a dad, that I realized that the most important, priceless thing we have in this world is time. How we choose to spend it and with who becomes a rather heavy decision. For me, spending it with Lucas from dawn to dusk, sometimes even in the middle of the night when he wakes up with some unfinished business, is the best investment of my time. Having the chance to see him grow, learn, experience, wonder, and develop right in front of my eyes is perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing…so I won’t.

Hobbies – Being a stay-at-home dad I do some things I would normally not have to do, or not want to do. Some of these turned into things I now love to do, new hobbies. The main one for me is cooking. I like food but never cared much for cooking. I would make myself a sloppy sandwich or some pasta, fry me an egg, eat out in the city, basically the simplest and quickest way to get by. But since now I don’t have only myself to feed, but my 2 year old son, I put some effort and take some pride from cooking. I look up recipes online, ask my mom and grandmother for cooking ideas and recipes, and I do my best to make sure it turns out great. Now I experiment with my own ideas, flavours, textures, presentation…and when Lucas takes a bite and says “Yummy” then proceeds to lick the bowl clean, it gives me great joy and satisfaction.

Time Management – Despite knowing that time is the most important thing in life, I can’t say I was making the most of it before becoming a stay-at-home dad. I would waste time on mundane things instead of using it more productively. To be fair, I did have the freedom to waste it but that went out the window the day my son was born.  Now as a stay-at-home dad, I am very good at organizing and prioritizing the day. I use time wisely and productively. When Lucas is playing quietly on his own or watching Peppa Pig, I try to tidy up, do some laundry, wash some dishes. When he’s taking his nap, I do some cooking and whatever chores I have and when all is done, I get to have some daddy time be it blogging, watching TV, playing video games.

No Work – This ties in with the other pluses and it’s a pretty obvious one. As a stay-at-home dad, I don’t have to work. Bye bye to putting on a suit, going to work from this time to that time on this and that day. I didn’t hate my job but I didn’t love it either. My approach was always work to live, not live to work but I am thrilled that I get to spend my time with my son rather than with customers.

Workout – As a stay-at-home dad, I workout way more than when I was working.  Sometimes it is my choice, but mostly it’s Lucas related. I may do the odd pushups/pullups/situps when he’s playing or napping…a day every other month when I remember. But I get consistent training from being a stay-at-home dad. I never miss a workout because I CAN’T. Lucas has me on a strict endurance/cardiovascular/muscle building routine. Sometimes I have to jog to keep up with him on his bike, and usually at the bottom of the third hill he gets tired and I have to carry him home, back up the hills, Lucas in one hand, bike in the other. But walking, jogging, and carrying him are just a tiny part of it. Among many other exercise activities, I participate in piggyback riding, crawling, jumping. For weight training I have an approximately 12kg weight in Lucas that for example, I get to pick up from the floor and lift above my head so he can closely inspect why the fire alarm light is flashing. This movement right there has my squats, curls, and shoulder press for the day. Sets and repetitions vary so I don’t hit a plateau.

That’s where I will wrap up the pluses of being a stay-at-home dad although they don’t end just here but it is a good summary of my favorite things about being a SAHD.

Minuses

Finances – I personally don’t like money. Hear me out. I don’t like the need for money that our society revolves around. It is an expensive trade-off: time for money. But it is what it is and I accept it, I need money to buy food, clothing, accessories, and toys for Lucas and my family. I used to be the breadwinner in the family, taking in all the sacrifices (time, effort, nerves) for that pay check. Now my girlfriend is the breadwinner in the family and it’s taking a while to get used to this role reversal. I’m not on an allowance or anything like that, but since I’m not the one making the money, I think twice or three times before spending it on anything.

Social Stigma/Isolation – Depending where you’re from, being a stay-at-home dad may be frowned upon or admired. I live in Ireland and I’d say it’s more of a neutral attitude, leaning towards acceptance and admiration if anything. But still, last week I went to my friend’s house because he was having a boys’ night with some FIFA and beer, so I went over and met a few other people. When asked what I do and saying I’m a SAHD, they really didn’t know how to react. One of them basically said, not in a mean way or anything, that it’s not so common with dads as it’s more of a mommy’s role. He was right and from that comes isolation as there’s not many stay-at-home dads around, I have very limited options in hanging out with dads during office hours. Even when we do meet up on the weekends, when they start talking and going on about their work, I feel a little left out.

No Flexibility/Freedom – Obviously my freedom and flexibility took a big blow the day I become a father, not necessarily a stay-at-home dad. But even so, when I was working I had more flexibility and freedom to do my own things. Small things, like telling my girlfriend I have to work a little longer (not my proudest moments) so I could sneak out to watch the end of a football match and have a pint with co-workers. Or taking a detour on the way back home just to spice it up a bit. These opportunities are no longer viable as I am a full time stay-at-home dad. I can do it after-hours, when my girlfriend is back from work, but they used to be spontaneous things, not something planned.

That’s all for minuses. So to do a little math, I have 5 pluses and only 3 minuses on being a stay-at-home dad so it’s a winner! But it doesn’t work that way, it’s not that simple. You can make cons and pros lists, balance them out all you want, but all that really matters is how you feel. I for one feel blessed to be a stay-at-home dad and I highly recommend and encourage other dads to be SAHDs if they can.

***

Big thanks to Andrei for sharing his experience with others. Make sure to visit his blog and read more about his lovely family.
If you liked this post, you may want to check out these:

Being a stay-at-home dad | The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Make the most of the time with your children
How it feels to go back to work after my parental leave

The post Daddy’s got this #2 – A Roller Coaster Ride: Life Of A Stay-At-Home Dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Katerina contacted me from The Netherlands with a rich story about cultural identity. She was born in Switzerland to a Spanish mother and a German father. Her family lived a couple of years in Germany, and then moved to Brussels, which, she explains, “is very multicultural and it’s not Flemish, it’s not Walloon, it’s not German, it’s Brussels“. She attended the European school in the Belgian capital, which introduced her to several different cultures and an underlying message of respecting diversity. That meant also “to put your own national values, the things that make you German, Spanish, to put them aside and adopt broader values where everybody fits in”. She and her three sisters grew up in a neighbourhood she defines as “Belgian and to a certain degree Arabic”. When they lived in Switzerland, her parents used to talk French to each other. After moving to Germany, her mother learned German language and started regularly speaking it at home with her children and husband. While they were living in Belgium, she was the main carer. As a result, Katerina tells me she doesn’t speak Spanish and her main language is German, even though she learned it through a non-native speaker. She describes her situation as “the disconnect of speaking one language [German] and not really knowing what it means to be a German kid”. She feels she missed many key experiences of growing up as a German child, like kindergarten songs, TV programmes, children’s books. At the same time, she didn’t experience the Spanish upbringing or Belgian education, which placed her in the middle of all these cultures: “My parents didn’t think how the different cultures fitted with each other”.

Katerina and her husband, in Marocco.

While in school she met her future husband, who belonged to an Irish family. They have four daughters together aged from 3 years to 8 years old, all born and raised in The Netherlands. Tragically, he passed away in late 2016. Beside the trauma of losing her spouse, Katerina found herself with many questions regarding the cultural identity of her children. Given her personal history, she is fully aware of the power of roots and strongly feels the responsibility to introduce her children to their father’s birth culture. Katerina and her husband used to speak English with each other and, as a consequence, the family culture leaned more towards the Irish side. She had some strategies in place to foster German culture already and recently she found herself having to set up similar patterns to enforce the Irish cultural roots, which she is little familiar with. “Since my husband passed away, my struggle has been to give the kids enough Irish culture that they can have the roots if they want to, while not knowing anything about being an Irish kid [myself]”. For instance, her daughters have visited their maternal grandmother in Ireland last summer and Katerina is planning to send them to Gaelic camps later on: “the language is the vehicle to be part of the culture”. She perceives her children feel mostly Irish.

One of Katerina’s girls, during a holiday in US.

Katerina makes conscious choices about exposing her girls to different cultures, maybe also due to her professional background as a researcher in professional and social identity, which includes exploring minorities and the impact of cultural identity at work. “I think that helped me to reflect on what happened”.
Her opinion is that growing in a multicultural family “is an asset because it provides you flexibility to find a place you can call home”. She says sometimes she’s jealous of people who have defined origins, but adds, “[a multicultural family] gives you the tools to build the strong roots you choose to have”. She advises fellow parents to rely on children’s books. I totally agree, that’s our favourite and most effective communication tool.

The girls meet their youngest sister minutes after she was born.

This interview provided me with plenty of insights about how a child, and later an adult, can feel about growing up in a multicultural environment. After talking to Katerina, I am stronger in my belief that we parents can have a huge impact on how our children feel. Being an expat I’m familiar with the constant discomfort of not having a place to truly call home and I don’t want that for my kids. At the same time, when Katerina shared how her mother put aside her birth culture when raising her children, it didn’t feel like a convenient trade-off. We cannot ignore our birth culture is the one we know the most and can truly impart to our children. I am grateful to Katerina for sharing her unique point of view and also her painful experiences to the benefit of other parents. You can read more about Katerina’s family life and story on her blog, or follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

If you liked this post, you may want to check out the others in this series.

The post Growing up in a multicultural family. Multiculturalism as a child and as a mother: Katerina’s experience appeared first on The Elephant Mum.