Turns out, zero waste is not about eliminating trash from our lives, but about striving to reduce the waste we produce. Is this even a problem we should look at? Let’s look at the numbers in Finland.

Waste in Finland

I started worrying about my household trash a couple of years back. Our plastic bin fills very quickly and it is not straightforward to find (easy) ways to avoid plastic packaging. We cook most of our food from scratch, yet most fruit and vegetable come wrapped in plastic. My personal impressions were confirmed by my research.

Waste in Finland: every household in Finland generates 565 kg of trash per person annually (2019). This figure is slightly over the European average and it has been increasing in recent years.

Food waste: in Finland, households waste around 25kg of food per person a year. This amounts to 100kg of food waste every year in a family of four. While food is wasted at all stages of the production chain, households contribute the biggest amount.

Plastic waste: plastic waste has been increasing in Finland and only 28% of plastic packaging are recycled (European average: 42%).

I recycle, isn’t it enough?

Recycling gives us the false impression that trash magically disappears. We need to remind ourselves that disposing of waste has by itself an environmental impact, for example from municipal waste collection processes and recycling plants.

Moreover, different materials have completely different lifecycles. For example, several plastic materials have a limited lifespan and can be recycled 2-3 times max before being sent to the landfill. Glass can be infinitely recycled without loss of quality, instead. I am not familiar with the specific recycling processes of different materials, but I am sure they would have different impact.

This is why reducing waste is the best strategy to limit your household’s environmental impact.

(If you need help recycling your household waste in Finland, click here.)

The first step: a waste audit

Every zero waste book or blog say the same thing: the very first thing is doing a waste audit. This is a good idea even if you don’t have a clear intention to reduce your waste. You will find several methods online to carry out a waste audit. We simply did the following: we kept a notepad near the bio- and general waste bin. Every time we threw something away, we would take a note. We kept track for a full week. I didn’t note down our plastic, glass, metal, paper, cardboard waste because I checked the bins at the end of the week and noted down everything. It wasn’t straightforward to come up with categories, but a week isn’t a very long time and it was fairly simple to make sense of the data we collected.

Our plastic waste was through the roof: we threw away over 50 food plastic packaging in a week! We acquired invaluable insights from our waste audit. The waste audit also forced us to pay more attention to how we were sorting our waste. We realised, for instance, that we were too quick to throw dirty plastic packaging to the general waste (as opposed to wash and recycle) and that we were disposing of few items incorrectly!

What comes next

Our family has started a journey to reduce our environmental impact and I want to take you along. There’s plenty of books on zero waste (my suggestions: this and this, both available at the Helsinki library network), but I will share also information relevant to people living in Finland specifically. I will share my research and observations, my challenges, and tips. I hope this will help others to build their own journey without having to do tons of research ;).

In the next post, I will share the first steps we took to cut on some of our regular waste. In the meantime, I recommend you check out these tips I have shared.

Have you ever thought of reducing your household waste? Let me know in the comments.

Featured Image by Jasmin Sessler from Pixabay

The post Going Zero Waste In Finland – Documenting Our Family Journey appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My first thought goes to first moms and I wonder how they feel when they read something like that. The voices of first mothers are often kept at bay in the world of adoption to make it easier to forget that an adoptive family’s happiness is built on the tragedy of mothers losing a child. Like real mum implies there’s a fake one, saying “the one who keeps you always with her” implies that one has chosen not to. We know that is hardly a choice.

Secondly, I reflect on adoption language and how often adoptive parents obsess about terms we are not entitled to decide upon. I do not believe there’s a ‘right’ way to talk about adoption. I believe every adoptee should be empowered to freely choose the narrative around their own story. We adoptive parents need to remind ourselves we are secondary characters in our children’s stories. We must allow our kids to call ‘mum’ or whatever they wish their first mother, like we should allow them to call us as they wish.

Instead, we often suggest or impose our language. We name the woman who gave life to our child ‘tummy mummy’ or ‘biological mother’, or we do not name her at all. We try to put a distance and maybe, inside our heart, we feel superior. If our children have a complex family history, it makes it easier for us to feel that way. We build a reason to tuck away the past we didn’t feature in. Sometimes we introduce our wording in an attempt to help our children make sense of a fragile story. We try to fill the holes and make it complete. We pick the names for all the characters and doing it for those who are faceless or nameless for us is easy. “Mum” is a word that carries meaning and the weight of our whole childhood. It’s a title we feel we earned and we do not want to share.

However, who decides who earns that title? It’s our kids. Our task as parent is not to feed our children words to talk about their story, but to help them find the words that fit best. Our duty is to follow their lead if one day they’ll decide to change them or rewrite the entire story. We must support them if they’ll need to go and find new elements to add by seeking their roots. We must create and hold space for them to build their story and identity, on their terms. We have to sit by their side when they stumble upon big voids and heavy questions we do not have answer to. We need to hold their hand when they face those silences, resisting the temptation to fill them. We owe our children the truth, even the one that hurts, especially the one that hurts us the most.

It doesn’t matter what age your child was adopted at, even if it happened at birth: as adoptive parents it’s not our place to assign value to the time they spent with their first family. Is there only one mom? It depends. Ask your child and hold space in your heart to welcome their answer, whatever that may be.

Featured Photo by negin bahramii on Unsplash.

The post There’s Only One Mum… Really? appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Her apology was delivered in such an awful way that it enraged the community even more. An unfelt apology is worse than no apology. However, her remark as a parent made me reflect on how I am teaching children to apologise in my home. Seeing how she failed to apologise, I realised that I consistently make the mistake of not teaching my children about reparations.

I am teaching them that if they do someone wrong – no matter the trigger – they need to apologise. I’m teaching them that while hurting someone by accident is less severe that doing so with intention, it still requires an apology. However, like many parents (including Michelle), I am mixing apology with reparation. Saying sorry is a must, so it is to reflect on the impact of your actions and offering to fix them. I realise this is not practical in all circumstances, but it’s an essential part of the process of learning from own mistakes.

Is failing to address the impact of our mistakes the reason why we live in a world of people who cannot apologise? While a celebrity with a big platform messing up has resonates loud, I see this consistent failure in addressing the consequences of mistakes in most people, from friends to strangers online. Even when someone has the guts to say ‘sorry’, there is hardly a recognition of the impact their mistake had. Most public apologies we witness share the same faulty structure:

• the persone apologising hardly speaks of the the harmed party beside a superficial mention;
• they don’t address the impact of the mistake;
• often they define what happened an unfortunate accident. Then they deflect from the mistake and proceed to prove that they have many qualities and this episode does not represent who they are;
• the person apologising fails to address how they plan to repair their wrong or to prevent the same from happening in the future.

Seeing celebrities, politicians, and influential people behaving like this after mistakes has normalised these terrible apologies.

I grew up in an household where the world ‘sorry’ was hardly spoken and never from my parents. My parents raised me to believe apologising was a sign of weakness and a threat to authority. As an adult I quickly discarded this notion. Now I realise that teaching my children to have the courage to apologise and be vulnerable is not enough. A good apology places the hurt person at the center of it. A good apology goes hand-in-hand with an awareness of why what was done was wrong and how it has affected others. The person apologising cannot afford to be defensive or place their own shame in front of everything else.

I dedicate energy to train my children’s emotional intelligence. This shall include how to regulate their emotions when they are at fault, learn to apologise, and above all make amends.

Features Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash.

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• Transracial Adoption: Would You Adopt a Child of A Different Race?
• Adoption and Cultural Identity: Tips for Parents

Today I want to use this space to share few videos that every adoptive parent and adoption applicant should watch to learn more about the nuances of transracial and international adoption.

White parents, raising black children

Uncomfortable conversations with a black man is an awesome Youtube series that I recommend to everyone. The host is American-Nigerian sport analyst Emmanuel Chinedum Acho. He hosts interviews and conversations with several people to talk about race, racism, and much more. In this video he meets a transracial adoptive family – white parents, multiracial children. They touch on several interesting points: the education social workers and agencies miss to provide on the topic of race (a pain point in the Finnish adoption system), the anxiety and trauma racialised kids are forced to grow up with, and the importance of intentionally preserve a child’s heritage.

Lucky girl

Adult adoptees worldwide regularly denounce how people and the mainstream narrative forces gratitude onto them. From casual comments (“You’re so lucky”) to downright online abuse when the speak uncomfortable truths (“Would you rather have grown up in an orphanage”), the message is clear: you should be grateful. Even if this is not professed in their home, this is the narrative they meet out in the world, sometime explicitly and sometime implied. I loved this short movie because it felt like a realistic snapshot (the ending suggests it was based on true events) of how an adoptee can wonder about their loss and meet comments that force a certain narrative onto them. It also features well-meaning white adoptive parents who miss to have deep and uncomfortable conversations on the matter.

An adoptee reclaiming her story

In this TedTalk South-Korean adoptee Sara Jones shares her own story as a transracial adoptee and the struggle to identify with any cultural identity. Not white enough, not Asian enough. Transracial adoptees may experience the worst of two worlds: racism reminds them they are not white, but at the same time they are not allowed to benefit from the richness of their birth culture. Sara talks about the complex feelings surrounding transracial adoption and wonders how the community can support every adoptee to own their own story and decide their life’s narrative.

After watching these videos, let me know in the comments: did you learn something new? Do you spot these aspects of race and culture in your own life?

Featured Image by Michal Jarmoluk from Pixabay

The post Transracial Adoption – 3 Must-Watch Videos appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Could you introduce yourself?

My name is Sheylan and I am 11 years old and some of my favorite things to do are reading, writing, drawing, meeting new people, singing, and of course, being creative!

Can you describe your family and the languages you speak at home?

I have three brothers and no sisters, but my brothers are most of my inspiration. I’ve always loved reading to them and that made me want to read to more kids like them! At home I speak French or Spanish with my mother and English with my father.

What is your favorite thing about living in Alaska?

My favorite thing of Alaska is that in the cold winters there is snow and we can play a lot and also that we can travel from there. I also love the summers, because they are not too hot or neither too cold.

I have heard you love to read. Can you share some of your favorite books or authors?

There are so many authors that I love…it is hard for me to choose! I enjoy reading all kind of books! I love graphic novels by Raina Telgemeier. I love French Author Orianne Lallemand. The books “Martine” captivated me since I was a baby! 

What inspired you to write a book?

My mom had the idea of writing a book, but the reality is that I’ve always dreamed of writing a book. I didn’t know I was going to write a book at this age, so I’m so excited that I did! The main reason why I wrote my book is because I wanted to share a message with children around the world but also that I wanted to help parents and teachers with these important messages.

Because I loved reading and I wanted to read to other kids around the world, I started a YouTube channel. It is called “Sheysheyland”. In this channel I read books and I sing songs in Spanish, French, and English!

But, to read books, you need to always ask permission to the authors. Some of the authors that I requested to read their books didn’t answer me. So I started running out of books to read! That is why I decided to write a book, that talks about an elephant and mole, it would start a whole new universe in my YouTube channel!

In what language did you write the first draft of your book? Was it hard to translate it in other languages?

I wrote the draft in Spanish, because that is the language of my heart. But it was not so hard to translate it. Of course, my mom helped me, and I really enjoyed translating it.

The theme of your book is friendship. How are friends important to you? What are the qualities that make a true friend?

The qualities of a true friend are loyalty, comprehension, and trust. A true friend is there for good times and bad times and when a good friend is loyal, it will make you feel comfortable when you are expressing your emotions to that friend. It is like a brother or sister for the kids who don’t have any siblings.

Friends are important to me because they make me feel better when I’m sad. All of us have difficult times, and when we have friends we can tell them what we feel inside, and when we tell somebody what we feel inside it makes us feel better, especially when it’s somebody we trust and we love.

If you could send a message to children all over the world, what would you tell them?

I would say that that kindness is so important. It doesn’t mean somebody needs to be the same as You to be nice to them. We can be friends with people that are different than us.

One act of kindness can change the whole life of somebody. So it’s important to be kind at all times, even with the ones who are different than us, and we will never want to exclude other kids that are different, because that will make them feel sad inside and feel left out. And I’ve been thinking of all you guys, kids, when he wrote and illustrated this book. I dedicate this book to you and I hope you enjoy it when you read it!

I was excited and inspired by Sheylan’s campaign before this exchange, but now I’m in complete awe. If you want to support this young author to publish her first book, back her project here and don’t forget to share it with your friends!

The post Elefante y Topo: 11-Year Old Sheylan Wrote Her First Book appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Festivals

The first tool I use is Google Calendar and its in-built Indian festival calendar. The calendar alerts me when a festival is approaching. This gives me the time to research it online and to decide if and how we want to adopt it. I also believe in progressive goals, so I usually add 1-2 festivities every year, slowly building our family traditions. For instance right now I’m researching Holi as we plan to celebrate it for the first time this year.

My typical research includes:

• what is the meaning behind a festivity and if there’s any linked myth/belief (storytelling is a big part of Indian culture)
• how it’s named and how it’s celebrated in my son’s region
• through YouTube videos I often find out how modern Indians celebrate at home. And of course I can rely on my precious friends’ advice if I need to.

I try to separate religious and secular rituals, to avoid the risk of mocking up religious beliefs. It’s not an exact science with Indian culture, but that’s where I aim. Given how small children are not big on front lectures, I often use reading and crafts as an excuse to share what I have learned with my kids. For instance, last fall we made a Ganesha clay figure for Ganesh Chaturthi.

Food

The second big element for us is food. As Italians we get why this matters . I don’t reserve cooking Indian food to special occasions. I want Indian culture to be part of our everyday life. Personally I have given myself the goal of cooking one Indian dish every week – I rotate the few I’m confident with and test a new one every 1-2 months. If life is too hectic, I rely on takeaway from a local restaurant (vetted by Indian friends ). My top tip is: if you look for online recipes, look for Indian blogs/vlogs! For the love of god don’t get your dal recipe from Jamie Oliver.

Indian food is a universe of its own to explore! Food goes beyond taste: food is roots, food is creating memories, food is family.

Social media

Social media connect us with different realities, including different cultures. I use social media to cultivate Indian culture at home in two main ways:

• by filling my own feed with Indian voices – mom bloggers who show their daily life, food bloggers who share Indian recipes, comedians who teach about Indian customs through jokes, but also Indian activists who share social fights. I also follow white people in intercultural relationships with Indian partners or Indian-American content creators, because they sometime explain cultural details Indians give for granted (white gaze for good? ). [let me be 100% clear: follow Indian voices first and foremost. Comfort is not friend with learning] 
• by using specific content to show my son daily life in India. For instance we follow some accounts of Italian people living in India who share everyday life there in Italian language. My son loves to watch the simplest things, like people cooking or shopping at the market. If you speak a language other than English, finding expat accounts is a good way to overcome it. It works also the other way around: we follow Indians living in Italy, although they create less content localised in India [always vet content before showing it to your children].

Books

I always use reading as an educational tool in my home. We filled our shelves with books on India and Indian culture. Privilege buying books written by Indian authors. I’d rather buy a book in English written by an Indian author and translate on the fly, rather than buying books in Italian written by a white author. We also own photography books showing life in India. They offer more realistic snapshots of the country than children’s books. And finally, there’s my own learning. Fiction by Indian authors, history or biography books are says for me to learn and then passing on to my son (I just finished the amazing The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga, much recommended). 

Movies

Movies and animation series are great resources to explore a culture and strengthen cultural ties. One praise for Netflix is how it’s making movies from all countries global. Have you ever noticed the wide selection of Asian movie content there? Prime Video has less but a better language selection – if you want your adopted child to preserve their birth language and you need support tools, check it out. And don’t forget YouTube, which is always full of excellent content if you can dig it out. From children’s animation series like Mighty Little Beem to great non-Bollywood movies like Newton or Tandav, we have found plenty of content on streaming platforms to foster our tie with India, both for our son and for us parents. I love also a good ol’ Bollywood movie but India’s movie industry offers so much more than that. Documentaries are also great to show life or traditions in your child’s birth country, as well as the natural landscape [always check the age rating].

Play

Kids learn through play, so why not using games to teach them about their birth culture? I have mentioned above how we use crafting as an activity to learn about festivals and Indian culture. Our family also loves boardgames and tabletop games. They are a way to spend quality time together and we occasionally use them with a learning purpose too. Nowadays game producers have a huge selection for all the ages and some businesses create culture-themed games.

Take Indigrow Kids. Weeks ago I had a chat over Zoom with Akhila, co-founder. She shared how she started the Indigrow business to help families introduce kids to different cultures. She sent us the memory game tiles as well as the book “A to Z of India”. My kids love playing with the memory game and it provides us opportunities to unpack what’s behind the concepts depicted in the tile figures. Akhila explained me that they want to make world cultures accessible and fun, leaning in on children’s candid curiosity. Their game definitely does that for our family.

There are many ways to use games to support your child’s cultural journey:

• present them with traditional games from their country of origin e.g. Pachisi (old games as well as contemporary)
• use arts and crafts to introduce specific cultural aspects 
• find games that mentions details of their birth country (e.g. Ticket to Ride: India, great to learn India’s geography)
• seek out small businesses like Indigrow Kids whose mission is to support families in their multicultural journey.

Adoption and cultural identity have a complex relationship. As I said at the start, I know nothing will replace the experience of growing in an Indian family. However, as an adoptive mother I accept my role and my responsibility in the fact that my son cannot have this opportunity. I feel an obligation towards giving him references around his roots and his culture of origin. I hope this will help him build confidence around his own cultural identity.

Did you find new ideas in this post? Or do you have anything to add? Let me know in the comments below.

Featured Photo by Unfold Memory on Unsplash.
Indigrow Kids sent me their game and book to try. Opinions are mine and sincere, read about my values here.

The post Adoption and Cultural Identity: Tips for Parents appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I would rewrite that question as a series of considerations:

are you willing to change your lifestyle – possibly in radical ways – to make sure your child has the support they need to confidently grow in their body?

are you willing to possibly leave your job and the house and neighbourhood you love, and move somewhere where your child has proper racial mirrors? This includes adults in different jobs and positions of influence (meeting other adoptive families is not enough).

are you willing to accept your limitations as a parent to support your child in their racial identity journey and to find the resources they need, even if it means you are cut off from parts of that journey?

are you humble enough to acknowledge that you or your love won’t be enough to support your child to navigate experiences that all books in the world won’t help you understand?

are you willing to allow your social circle to grow, build relationships in communities where you you feel like an outsider?

are you ready to accept that all your love, commitment, intention, won’t spare them the grief of growing up in a family where (possibly) no one looks like them, and are you ready to witness and embrace this grief, and accept your role in it?

are you willing to “do the work”, learn about antiracism, face your own racism and face your privilege?

To be clear, it’s okay to reply NO to any of these. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner. You may live in an all-white town yet have ties or a lifestyle your family is not willing to give up. However, if that’s the case, you need to reflect if your family is a good fit for a child of a different race.

If you don’t know where to start…

Anti-racism work is a journey and our generation is lucky to be able to listen to black activists’ and transracial adoptees’ voices. There’s tons of books and resources out there that can help you reflect on transracial adoption. These are simply the ones I know and I recommend to give you a headstart:

• [ebook] Standing in the gap A Workbook on Meeting the Needs of Your Transracial Adoptee by Hannah Matthews. Hannah is a transracial adoptee herself. This short guidebook is gold.
• [podcast] The Adoptee Next Door by Angela Tucker.
• [ebook] What white parents should know about transracial adoption by Melissa Guida-Richards.
• [book] Me and white supremacy by Layla F. Saad.
• [book] Palimpsest by Lisa Wool-Rim Sjöblom.
• [book] So you want to talk about race by Ijeoma Oluo.
• [podcast] Nice white parents by the New York Times.
• [book] How to be an antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.

Whatever books or podcasts you will choose, give priority to content created by adoptees and/or non-white anti-racist activists. It’s easier to listen to someone who looks like you, but we’re not in this for easy, are we.

Accounts to follow on Instagram

Filling your social media with activist voices is a great way to foster continuous learning and keep yourself accountable in your day-to-day. Many of these people have a presence on other social media too. Here’s some Instagram accounts all parents in a transracial adoption have to follow:

• Jessenia at @iamadopted. She is a transracial adoptee and activist. I wholeheartedly recommend her series on adoptees’ mental health.
• Melissa at @adoptee_thoughts. Melissa didn’t find out about her transracial identity until adulthood and she is candid in sharing how that has deeply influenced her personal growth.
• No White Saviors. This account teaches me a lot every single day. They routinely talk about white saviorism in international adoption.
• Cam at @therapyredeemed. Cam is a transracial adoptee as well as a therapist. His excellent content aims at bridging the gap in transracial adoption.
• Amanda at @amandatda. Amanda is an adoptee and a therapist. Her content reveals her deep professional expertise. If you follow Amanda, it’s guarantee you’ll learn something new every day.
• Angela at @angieadoptee. Angela is a public speaker and a transracial adoptee. Her content will challenge you in unexpected ways.

These are just few accounts and I’m sure I left out someone who didn’t deserve to. Bottom line is, fill your feed with voices that can challenge you to grow and not those who echo what you already know.

Featured Photo by Obed Esquivel on Unsplash.

The post Transracial Adoption: Would You Adopt a Child of A Different Race? appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My cultural identity

I was born and raised in Italy and I’ve been living in Finland for over 10 years. In the process, I’ve formally become a Finnish citizen. I speak Finnish, but not fluently.

For years I have been wondering what am I. Am I Italian? Frankly, I didn’t feel Italian even when I used to live there . Am I Finnish? By observing immigrants like me for years, I realised that even if I mastered Finnish, I would stay a foreigner in the eyes of most. For a long time I felt I didn’t belong to any culture or place, floating in an undefined space in the middle.
Until I realized two important things.

1. I am the only person on earth with a right to define my own cultural identity. I should stop expecting others to define who I am.
2. There are no definitions of “Finnishness” or “Italianness”. It’s not that I belong to neither culture, I belong to both. I am Finnish and Italian. And proud to be both.

We keep blabbering how there’s value in diversity when we are hardly allowing it for ourselves. I know immigrants spend tons of energy trying to win a feeling a belonging. Stop doing so at the expense of your identity and of what makes you unique. I conclude with Eleanor Roosevelt’s wise words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Expat parent grief

Like we decide on our own cultural identity, so our children do – that’s only natural and fair. I wish speak out about this peculiar form of grief many expat parents experience.

It can be painful to witness our children reject certain aspects of our culture of origin, including language. It can be even scary, as we struggle to relate with those new cultural aspects and we wonder if they will hurt them.

The most important thing to remember is that when our child rejects some cultural values, they are not rejecting us personally. This is valid also for parents in transracial adoptions. Forcing children to identify with our own beliefs will only push them away.

Language is the only thing worth fighting for, simply because it’s an essential part of a relationship. You cannot afford to fail to communicate or to lack an emotionally charged language.

Despite the pep talk, I often struggle when my children reject Italian values or things that are dear to me. It takes intention to remind myself they are their own people and our different cultural identities will prevent us to connect on certain aspects of life, and that’s okay.

In transracial adoptions

Being an immigrant myself, I had had an opportunity to reflect on cultural identity, its importance and what efforts are required to cultivate it long before our son came home through international adoption. It’s not easy to balance three cultures in one family, one of which we are distant learners of. After speaking with several other adoptive parents, I am also aware that many identify their child’s longing for their original country or culture as a rejection.

Centering your own feelings on the matter is a terrible mistake. I hope reading my reflection will help you grasp how conflicting it can be to balance more than one culture inside yourself and to identify with more than one “label”. I hope you will hold space and even create opportunity for your child to question and choose their own cultural identity. And above all, I hope you will internalise that their attraction to something you don’t share and possibly don’t understand is not rejection of you or of the life you have created together. Lean in and walk with them through this journey and I promise you will find yourself too in the process.

Featured Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The post Cultural Identity and Expat Parent Grief appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

This post complements an old one where I have listed our own screen time rules. Years later, we still hold the same rules and they serve our family well.

Technology isn’t evil

We have strict family rules when it comes to technology. This is not because we believe technology is inherently bad. Technology is a tool and, like every tool, we need to teach our children to use it properly. Tech is a powerful tool and it holds several risks. It plays (and will play) a major role in our children’s life. It is essential we as parents teach them how to be aware of its risks and how to embrace its power. I want my children to have a healthy relationship with technology and this involves limiting their access to certain apps or devices until it’s appropriate.

Your own screen addiction

Several parents came up to me to share how they struggled to lead by example when it came to screens. They themselves were addicted to their smartphone or to social media. I hear this loud and clear, and few weeks ago I took the radical decision to delete all my social media profiles except for Instagram and LinkedIn (yup, I said goodbye even to WhatsApp). Our devices, social media, and apps are all designed to be addictive.

Children care about what we do, not what we say. If you do too much screen time, they will do the same. Before you take decisions on your child’s digital life, you need to do the work to set yours in order. You can consider a digital detox – here’s some tips to set your own boundaries. We have some rules that work well for us parents: no phones at the dinner table, I do not bring my phone to the bedroom, and lately I have started placing my phone physically away from me (even on another floor) when I need to focus or be present.

A matter of priorities

Building our children’s relationship with tech to be healthy and under their control is high on our priority list. So much we are willing to base our choices on this. For instance, we have two options for childcare after school hours for our daughter. One option is free, but we know she and her friends would be free to use their phones with no supervision; the alternative option requires us to pay 80 euros a month, but we know that place has a strict no-device policy and she is engaged in stimulating and fun activities. Some of her best friends are enrolled in the first and she regularly asks to switch. Because we know they would end up looking at a screen every afternoon, we hold our ground.

There are many things we forbid our kids to do because they are not age-appropriate and too risky. Would you let your child roam free in an adult movie store? Don’t we tell them not to speak to strangers in real life? Why losing our common sense in the digital world, then?

Clear house rules

Having clear rules serves our family very well. Our children generally know when and how long they can watch tv. They are not allowed to use phones and they can use the tablet with permission and supervision (and we have turned on all possible parental controls). Small children hardly question clear routines. Sometime they do ask for exceptions and we may concede. However, if they insist or whine too much, I am ready to take off these privileges. Because hey, let’s not forget that watching tv or playing with the tablet are not necessary activities, but privileges. If screen time creates issues, it’s time to turn it off.

Non-negotiables

A piece of advice I often share with parents is to sit down and write down what are the risks they are not willing to take when it comes to the digital world. This should be an exercise that is repeated every year or so, following the child’s growth. Personally, I stick to app and content age ratings, also to show my children that those are there for a reason.

The 4C framework is really useful to categorise and map digital risks for young people. Once you have your non-negotiables, it becomes way easier to make choices in the day-to-day life. Say that my 7 year old child asks to install WhatsApp, whose age rating is 16. It’s an automatic no, I don’t have to think about it. Given how I have reflected on why I don’t want to take that risk, I can explain to my child the reason why.

Making them responsible

Having clear rules to avoid too much screen time does not mean we don’t leave the door for negotiation and conversation open. In the long run, I want them to become aware and independent. Having an open dialogue on technology, its risks and its benefits, is essential.

For instance, my 7 year old daughter does not have a smartphone or internet access, while most of her friends do. As you can imagine, we often do the dance of “why can’t I have a smartphone, all my friends do”. I use every opportunity to explain why it is not appropriate. I use my own shortcomings in regulating my own screen time as an example of how addictive these devices can be. I also use the metaphor of content being food for the mind: like small tummies cannot afford to eat certain foods or quantities without hurting, children’s brains are threatened by inappropriate content or too much screen time.

Going forward, I plan to gradually allow independence and freedom, paired with tools to track and control their use of screens and technology. A screen time contract can be a good idea for older children. The idea can be adapted for younger ones (maybe a sticker chart?).

Our own fears

One mother wrote me: “I’m afraid placing these limitations will socially isolate my child”. It is the dark side of our protection instinct. Fear-fuelled decisions are never rational. Setting boundaries on your child’s digital life will influence their social life, but it will not destroy it. I know this because I have witnessed it with myself (I have deleted my social media profiles twice and my relationships have always adapted) and with my daughter (her friends find ways to contact her and often visit). It goes back to priorities and non-negotiables. Once those are clear, you can make choices without regrets and being aware of the risks you want to control.

Facing peer pressure

We are by far the strictest parents in our children’s social circles when it comes to technology. This kind of situation can fuel self-doubt and make us feel some kind of peer pressure. It is essential to rely on a community that supports your choices. I have a friend here in Finland with older children and who is stricter than me with digital devices. Every time we discuss on this matter, I feel my motivation and self-confidence growing. Having international connections also help: many of my friends living abroad are totally shocked when they learn Finnish parents give smartphones to 7 year olds – it makes me feel less insane!

There are several online communities on digital parenting (I warmly recommend this one) that can address your questions and support your choices. Once again, this kind of conflict is an opportunity to lead your child by example and prove that peer pressure is hardly a valuable reason to change your beliefs.

Do you face challenges when it comes to your child’s screen time or digital life? Let me know in the comments.

If you are interested in the topic of screen addiction, I warmly recommend this video featuring Dr. Gabor Maté:

Featured Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.

The post Too Much Screen Time: Tips to Limit Your Child’s Screen Time appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

My friend Stefania Alisciani Eräpuro recently shared an experience on the matter on Facebook. With her permission, I publish her cautionary tale for the benefit of others. If you have similar experiences or if you have questions or issues, please comment below the post (or contact me if you want privacy). I plan to write more of digital parenting in the future and I want to serve my community with the content you need! Here is Stefania’s story.

About a year ago our son wanted to download Fortnite. I don’t approve of my kids playing games based on shooting and killing people (they remind me of school shootings and the horrible case back in Norway which also happened on an island and it just feels wrong), but as a couple we failed to keep a united front here and the game ended up being downloaded. The kid presented a good case of “everybody else plays it, there is no blood, it’s just a game, I know killing is not fun, why are you always so strict…etc“. I felt inadequate as a mom. Maybe I am too strict, I thought. Maybe everyone else is letting their kids have a life and I am like this crazy hippy making my son miserable .
As parents, we were both too distracted to notice the effects quick enough and associate them to the game.
He started waking up at night. Being restless. Aggressive. Bored. Uninterested. Stopped drawing. Stopped playing with toys. Started counting the minutes to his next screen time.

He started waking up at night. Being restless. Aggressive. Bored. Uninterested. Stopped drawing. Stopped playing with toys. Started counting the minutes to his next screen time. Addicted, basically.

He was only ever allowed THIRTY MINUTES at a time. On occasion a whole hour. And not every day. I know many kids are not monitored during the day and can play for hours on end.

Still, this game appeared to massively affect his behaviour and sleep. So we took it away. On and off, for months. He’d be allowed to play a week then I took it away for a month. Eventually, relapsing because “come on, all of my friends can play it”.

THEN…

One night in late august the kid wakes us all up in the middle of the night screaming like someone is trying to rip the skin off his back. Shouting names of guns and rifles, screeching like in a horror film. Tony goes to calm him down. This makes things worse as the half asleep son thinks his dad is there to kill him. WTF. Like pause here. WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!
This to me seems a lot like PTSD. I read about soldiers having post traumatic stress disorder affecting their sleep after being stationed in a warzone. How the f*** does my 9 year old have PTSD?!
I am not saying this is happening to all children, but it certainly did to mine. His vivid imagination didn’t help him.

Finally a united front, as parents we agreed to remove the game and not allow him to play until he is older and his brain can deal with it. There is parental advice, so let’s follow it. No Fortnite until you are 12, sonny boy.
Obviously he protests for a few days then forgets the whole existence of the game and gets on with it. Starts going back to normal behaviour, no nightmares, more excitable, drawing and reading etc.

THEN.

Last week out of the blue he asks about playing it again. “everyone else can and I am left out…they have Mando on it…bladidah…”
No, we said. This time, both totally convinced and standing our ground.
On Monday, he went to a friend’s house and of course, they played Fortnite. For the first time in months. He says it was for 1h, so I assume it was at least 2 .

The very same night he couldn’t fall asleep. Whining in his sleep, sweating…nightmares again.
The following night, again. He can’t fall asleep, he eventually does but wakes up having a nightmare. He admitted it was about Fortnite. Someone was chasing him and eventually got him. That’s heavy I thought.
He used the word ahdistava, Finnish for distressing, stressful, oppressing, scary all rolled into one. Yep, definitely how I would describe being on an island with 99 people out there to kill me, which is what the game is about.

Finally, the 9 year old agrees, this is not good for me. You were right.
HAH! Since when being right doesn’t make me feel good?! 

My point in this long old story is: I knew this in my heart a year ago but gave in. I was too busy to fight it every time. He was smart enough to spring peer pressure on me. Still, my job is to protect my kids when things are not suitable. No matter what his friends can or cannot do.
Not all kids are the same but they all need our protection. It is OUR job, not theirs to make the right decision.
Use your instinct and maybe even put blinkers on to ignore what everyone else is doing.

Thank you Stefania for sharing this powerful and upsetting story for the benefit of other families. I agree with Stefania’s conclusion: it’s our job to protect our children from risky situations and we cannot give up healthy boundaries just for the fear of upsetting them.

One piece of advice for parents is: be clear about what are the non-negotiable things. For instance, we abide to age ratings for content and apps. If WhatsApp is for 16+ or a videogame is 12+, it is not negotiable. Another line we draw is about games where players can message each other – it’s a big no at 7 years old.

As a parent, you need to grow immunity to peer pressure – otherwise what kind of lesson are you teaching your child, that it’s okay to give in to peer pressure? If you know something is wrong or risky, it stays such even if everyone else seems to be doing so.

I don’t blame Stefania. I had (and have) the same shortfalls and it’s often hard to be the only parent in the class to say no to certain things. You start doubting yourself, I know I do. I also know that setting clear boundaries with my husband beforehand helps us to stand our ground.

Let me know your thoughts on this story or what challenges you face in the digital world as a parent. Let’s help each other!

Featured Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.

The post Protecting Kids in the Digital World – a guest post appeared first on The Elephant Mum.