What is Kamalat äidit about?

Kamalat äidit® (Terrible Mothers) is a nationwide project that has been operating for 15 years. Our mission is simple: to offer peer support groups for mothers of teenagers. In our groups, we talk about everyday life, challenges and joys of living with an adolescent. We support and empower each other, by sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in a safe and warm space. We are currently developing MKA (monikulttuurinen Kamalat äidit), our multicultural activities.

Why did you choose this name for the initiative?

Our name “Kamalat äidit” means Terrible Moms. Our project started in Oulu in 2005 and has been catching attention ever since. We registered its name and model in 2013, and became officially Kamalat äidit®. I love that name, it’s a way to own something that may otherwise be heavy, either because your teenage kid calls you a terrible mom or because you feel yourself like a terrible mother. You’re allowed to feel like you feel and it’s ok. And when you meet others, you realise that you’re actually awesome, terrible moms.

How does it work in practice? 

Our groups are led by two peer support group counsellors. If at least two potential volunteers identify a need in their city and they get in touch with us, we visit and offer them a training to start a group. Our volunteers are very independent and they get to build their groups. In practice our groups gather 4 to 10 moms, 10 times. The groups meet once a week or twice a month, depending on the availability of the peer support group leaders. Each session has a theme and exercises, but we always give priority to the discussions.

Can participants preserve their identity if they wish?

On our online groups it’s been very easy for our participants to be anonymous. For the face-to-facee groups it’s different. Participants can share with others what they feel like sharing. Participants are free to preserve their family members by not sharing their names and it is part of our rules to make sure that information that could identify our participants are not disclosed. We also have a strict rule on confidentiality (what happens during the meetings can not be shared outside the group). Our groups are based on mutual trust and a feeling of being safe, and we make sure that it stays that way. 

Are facilitators YWCA staff?

In some cases, Kamalat äidit staff may be part of the group. But most of the time, the groups are led by two volunteers. When a volunteer and a staff member are leading a group, the staff member always make sure to give the maximum space possible to the volunteer.

If facilitators are volunteers, what kind of support do they get?

The network of volunteers we have all around Finland is I think one of our biggest joy. Our volunteers are first of all trained. They get to know our organization, our project and the way the groups work. We go through the sessions’ themes with them, and work on their own peer support group leaders skills (group dynamics, facilitation). We also work with them on their own motivation. After this training, we support them to find participants for the group that they want to create. We offer them personalized support and guidance once the group has started. If they need help with a specific topic, need extra material or extra help for a participant, we also make sure that it is available. We organize meetings and trainings for our volunteers in different places in Finland several times a year.
With our multicultural activities, we are also planning into giving specific trainings on the theme of multiculturality, cultural sensitivity or multilingual work for example.

Do you have groups in languages other than Finnish? And is it possible to start new ones in other languages?

Until now, we have had almost only exclusively groups in Finnish. My job now is to develop our multicultural activities, and languages are at the center of it! We are going to have groups in Finnish, English and Spanish in autumn 2020. We strongly encourage mothers of teenagers who would like to volunteer or participate in English or in Spanish to get in touch with us, as we are going to have our volunteers training in both these languages in June 2020. If you want to start a group in your city or if you want to participate in one of our groups, let us know!
For next year, we are working on developing groups in other languages, and we are very open to discuss it with other NGOs, cities and of course women who want to volunteer!
I’d like to tell a little bit about our multicultural activities, that I am in charge to develop. Our goal is to make sure that our groups are open to mothers who experience multiculturality in their lives. Of course foreign moms are welcome, but also Finnish moms living in multicultural or multilingual families, adoptive mothers, as well as moms who feel that multiculturality is an important factor for them and who want to share with moms from different horizons.

What range of topics do the groups cover usually? Do they include hard stuff (drugs, eating disorders…)? If a mother needs this specific kind of peer support, do you help her match to other moms who deal with the same?

Our groups’ priority is to create a space for the mothers to talk about what they want. We have a general structure for our groups, some of our themes are daily life challenges, parenthood, set limits and rules… We have low threshold themes as well as deeper ones, exploring the mothers relations to their own youth, motherhood or the future. Difficult topics are of course discussed in our groups. Some mothers inform us when they register about a specific situation that they face or a specific topic that they need to open up about. Use of drugs, sexuality, eating disorders, school issues, gaming and phone addiction, are topics that come up very often. One very powerful thing that happens in our groups is that very often the moms realize that they are not alone, that other families go through similar situations, and that others can understand and support, without judging or having to explain. Our groups are nevertheless not therapies, even though they can have therapeutic effects. Our volunteers are trained to recognize the situations in which they should direct our participants to professional help, and the staff is always ready to support them.

Can you share some success stories or positive feedback you have received from mothers?

I can share with you some feedback that we received in Finnish.

”Tämä oli minulle hyvä henkireikä. Niin siis kiva, mahtava.” (This was a lifeline for me. So nice, awesome)
”Aina saa tukea, tsemppiä, voimaa.” (You always get support, energy, strength)
”Ryhmässä uskalsi puhua ja sai voimaa.” (In the group I dared to speak and I got strength)

Our multicultural activities have received a lot of positive interest from mothers, volunteers and professionals. I’d love to come back next year to keep you updated on a success story for a multicultural mother and her family.

Do you have groups for fathers as well? Did you get requests to start any?

We don’t have groups for fathers. Our organization is a women’s organization, and our motto is “courageous and loving acts by women”. We focus on mothers, knowing that their empowerment and wellbeing will also affect positively the whole family. We welcome all mothers.

If someone wants to sign up to a group or become a facilitator, what do they have to do?

They can write to [email protected]. Just mention that you’re interested in our multicultural activities and you’ll be put in touch with me.

Are you a Terrible Mother? Don’t be shy to connect with other moms or start a group yourself. You will never be alone in facing the challenges of parenting a teen.

Featured image by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.

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In our household, we have tested few arrangements before finding a routine that worked for the whole family and we are prepared to adapt again if necessary. The kids are particularly stressed, having lost their routines and social life from one day to the other. They miss their friends, they don’t know when they’ll meet grandparents again, and mom and dad are more stressed than usual. Unfortunately when children are stressed they are not on their best behaviour and that adds up to the list of triggers for us. I know. Deep breaths and loads of empathy, my friend.

Beside listing fun activities to keep the little ones active and engaged, I have rounded up some resources for you to help them face these challenges times. If this is a lot to process for us adults, imagine how massive it is for children. One day E (almost 5) confessed he was afraid the virus might jump out of nowhere and bite him. We have explained them that old people are most vulnerable and R immediately worried for her grandparents. U has been staying with us for over a month (a story for another post) but she’ll soon go back to her living facility and worries when she’ll see us again. It’s a lot to take in and we are their compass, their light in the darkness.

The World Health Organization has put together a series of tips in several languages for parents, including how to manage challenging behaviours and reduce children’s stress. They are a set of great tips gathered from top experts, I wholeheartedly recommend to check them out (and send them to friends!).

Kids are naturally curious and there’s nothing better than fighting uncertainty and anxiety with facts. Surely knowledge needs to be packaged in an age-appropriate way. I always find books a great way to convey messages to my children. Axel Scheffler, the artist who illustrated The Gruffalò, has published a free ebook to help parents explain the current crisis to their children. The book was so successful that it was quickly translated in over 17 languages (here in Italian).
If your child speaks English, you might enjoy the #CaringForEachOther initiative by Sesame Street: there is plenty of ideas and resources to support families during this crisis.
The School of Life has put together a series of free activities for children. This period can be an opportunity to explore and learn.

Mindfulness is another great tool to help children. I have been awful with my own meditation routine in the past months, but I know it works and it’s a fantastic way to stay grounded when anxiety tries to take the best of you. Luckily some kind souls have adapted mindfulness techniques for children. These are books I have read and I warmly recommend. You won’t need to read them whole, just pick some exercises and try them out:
Mindfulness for children by Uz Afzal;
Calm – mindfulness for kids by Wynne Kinder;
Yoga for kids by Susannah Hoffman (I recommend this one for kids who are more lively and physical).

Last but not least: regulate your own stress. Children have the finest sensors on their carers’ emotions. If you are travelling on negative frequencies, your kids will pick them up. Conversely, if you stay grounded, you help them do the same. Self-care is the word right now. Carve your own spaces, concede to activities that bring you joy, and pamper yourself.

These are stressful times, but challenges are always opportunities to grow. Stay safe and #stayathome.

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Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

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Studying maths

My life was rocked at 16 when my high school maths teacher entered the classroom for the first time. I had always been gifted with maths and logic, but that day I knew I wanted to become a mathematician. A couple of years later, when it was time to choose my major, I ignored all advice and followed what I felt was right. My parents, teachers, classmates told me mathematics would never put food on my table. Nowadays I am a project manager, yet I never regretted that decision. I have spent almost a decade studying a subject I deeply loved and that’s something.
(for the record, maths paid the bills for 5 years ).

Moving abroad

Nine years ago, at age 24, I left my family, friends, and boyfriend behind and moved to Finland on my own. I didn’t know one thing about Finland, for real. I couldn’t name any Finnish brand or had any idea how life would look like. I did it to escape my childhood home and to pursue my studies. It was scary as hell, yet it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

Reporting sexual harassment at work

It took me a long while to see what was going on, but I don’t blame myself. This is how predators act, turning on the temperature slowly without you realising it’s gotten to boiling point. My reality check was when a fellow colleague was physically assaulted. When I reported him, I was dead sure I would be fired and everything would be shushed. He was powerful. I did it because I realised this was bigger than me. In the end the workplace rewarded my bravery.

Loving fiercely my children

I wanted to title this section “adopt”, but it would be misleading. We opened our home and hearts to children who needed both. While I hate when strangers compliment me on it (they have no clue and these matters are very complex to say smart things about them), in my heart I am proud because I know it’s been a long and tough journey, one that required – still does – plenty of faith and patience. The hard part wasn’t the decision nor the bureaucracy, it’s slowly building relationships that often gives back little to nothing.

Accepting the relationship with my parents

Realising that the relationship with my parents would never be what I wanted and needed it to be was tough. When it comes to strained relationships with close family, we all want to retain a grain of hope that the situation can be recovered. After years of attempts, fights, compromises, talks, I finally got to a point where I understood this would never happen and somehow made peace with it. This was deeply saddening to do in the moment, but turned out to be liberating in the long run.

Following my dream

Last year I realised what sector I really wanted to work in. I didn’t have the right qualifications and I would leave behind better paying roles. It wasn’t an easy search and in the end I have been more lucky than I deserved landing the perfect position for my skills and ambitions… but leaving my previous job and turning down better paying offers required plenty of courage!

Opening my heart to someone

Loving my kids required courage, but also opening up to my husband did. Letting him in and showing my less-attractive traits, my deepest fears, and my vulnerabilities has probably been the bravest thing I have done in my entire life. We all long to be seen, yet exposing our vulnerabilities can be terrifying. Rejection is totalising when someone has really known you and still choses to have you out of his life. Keeping a little distance is a way to preserve yourself. Revealing your deepest fears to someone it’s like handing them the ultimate weapon that can kill you and hoping they won’t use it. Ever. Even if the relationship and context will change. Researcher and speaker Brenè Brown reveals how this rite of passage is unavoidable to live a wholehearted life. There can be a huge reward if you dare to step in there.

Developing self-compassion

Unfortunately my family not only failed to provide me with the great tool self-compassion is, but left me with a well engrained self-loathing machinery within. For years I have run towards unreachable goals, little enjoyed rewards, and focused on my failures. Developing self-compassion (which turned to be essential to develop compassion for others!) required me to disassemble everything I was, every little natural pattern, every pathway of my mind, and rebuild completely. Having to keep my awareness active on every small decision and live out of my comfort zone for so long was exhausting and a thousand times I got this close to giving up. But I didn’t.

Facing depression

Depression has walked with me since puberty. Some episodes were easier than others. Sometime I got myself out of it, sometime I couldn’t do it without a hand. How many times I thought that was the last time. After this I will be forever healed. I don’t know if I will never suffer from it again, I can’t tell. What I know is that I have pulled myself out of it over and over. And that takes strength and courage. If you have had depression, you very well know how you have little of both when you’re prey of it. For a long time I have tortured myself for falling depressed multiple times, but recently I have decided to switch my perspective and celebrate that I have instead overcome it several times and come out stronger.

Sticking to my values

I have made a great load of mistakes in my life, but I am proud to say that I have always sticked to my core values. In general, I have never been someone who takes the easy road. I can think of hundreds of times when I have definitely not chose convenient over fair. While it’s mostly felt natural – even though hardly easy – I know now it’s something few people are capable of doing. Standing up for what’s right always requires courage and I am proud I have had it in small and big decisions until now.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Featured image by SnapwireSnaps from Pixaba.

The post The 10 Bravest Things I Ever Did appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

• Love your kid unconditionally.  It is important that you let your kids know that they are loved even when they fail or make bad choices.  Remember that this is the foundation of upbringing confident kids.  When they know that they are loved and accepted no matter what, they feel that they can do anything they set their mind to because they will always have your support.

• Be kind to yourself.  Everything you do is right in the eyes of a child.  Hence, you need to show your kids that you love yourself.  Be a model advocating self-love, acceptance, and positivity so that your kids will learn to emulate this healthy habit.

• Give credit where credit is due.  Kids give high regards to their caregiver’s thoughts and opinions.  Therefore, it is of utmost importance that you shower them with praises and positive feedback as this is how they measure their worth.  However, you need to be careful in giving praises. For instance, if a child lacks talent at something or if he fails, commend the effort he exerted and dwell too much on the result.  Tell him that some things need more time, effort, and practice, and that it’s okay to not do everything perfectly.  The important thing is that he has given his best shot.  Remember that confidence comes from the process of trying, failing, and trying again.

• Assign house chores.  Kids feel powerful when they are given the chance to show their capabilities.  They will feel that they are needed and that their contribution is deeply valued at home even when they are still toddlers.  You can ask small things to do.  This includes simple tasks such as setting the table or putting dirty clothes in the basket.   

• Teach the importance of doing and trying again.  Failures, pain, setbacks, and criticism are inevitable in life.  No one succeeds at everything all the time so teach your child to not dwell on mistakes and failures. Use those disappointments as a golden opportunity to teach your child to not give up.  But don’t forget to validate their feelings as this will teach your child that failures are okay but can be managed.  Discuss what your child can do to succeed next time.  When he succeeds later on, he will surely be proud of his achievement.

• Take a step back.  Confident kids are eager to try out something new without any fear or reservations.  Let your child do things on his own but watch from the sidelines.  For instance, you can show him how to make his sandwich and let him try it later on without interfering.  Make sure that you set up a safe situation where he can practice without any intervention.  Let him explore so he can discover new things and learn that he can handle various situations on his own.

• Support your child’s interest.  When you or your child discover something that he excels in, hone that talent or skill.  It might not be something that you like but it is important that you respect and encourage him to pursue it. For instance, if your son shows interest in playing the guitar, you can teach him if you know how.  Or better yet, ask him if he is wants to take classes.  But make sure to set rules so that this does not interfere with his school work. The important thing in this tip is that he sticks to what he loves so that he is more proud of his accomplishment later on when he sees through it.

•  Let your kid make age-appropriate decisions.  Doing so empowers them while helping them think of the consequences later.  For instance, you can ask them what they want to wear.  If you are not that comfortable with letting them take the reigns, you can let them choose between two options that are okay with you.  Example, you can ask him “do you want to wear this red shirt or this blue shirt”. 

Fostering positive self-esteem in kids in an early age is totally doable.  You will need to love yourself and your child unconditionally, give him praises, trust that he can do what he intends to do, and take an active interest in his passion.  Over time, your child will learn how to value himself as you do.

About the author

Elkyra Park is a first-time mom who can no longer count how many baby products she has reviewed for her sanity and her son’s sake.  She discusses about the realities of parenthood and how to gracefully cope with the struggles over at Easy Parenting Hacks.

Featured photo by Porapak Apichodilok from Pexels

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Promotes healthy relationships and communication

Three out of five people spend more time on their electronics than with their significant other. This sobering fact alone may be powerful enough to reduce device usage.
A digital detox promotes healthy relationships which are important for a healthy mind. You’ll be able to spend more time with loved ones. The relationship between a parent and a child is especially important. Children take after their role models, so it’s time to set an example. Encourage time away from their screens. Instead, find activities involving physical activity to promote a healthier lifestyle.
Furthermore, communicating behind a screen and face-to-face are different. Face-to-face interactions establish good mannerisms, people skills and understanding.

A refreshed mind from better sleep

Melatonin is a hormone involved in the regulation of sleep. Electronic screens emit a blue light that suppresses melatonin. This causes the user to feel more alert.
Those who use their phone before going to sleep don’t get enough quality sleep. Try to incorporate a two-hour digital detox before going to sleep. Wind down before bedtime with a book, the daily paper, or chatting to a loved one.
The best formula for a good nights sleep is to unplug and ensure you have a relaxed sleep-inducing environment digitally. Take extra steps to ensure this by setting the room to be the right temperature and using curtains or blinds to avoid lights from outside filtering through windows. Taking these small steps are guaranteed to result in a better nights sleep!

Improves mental health

One in five people identified technology as a source of stress. Electronic device use can take a toll on your mental health. Whether it be social media, isolation or even connection problems.
Immoderate device use aligns with higher scores in depression, anxiety and impulsive behaviour. Furthermore, social media has set an unhealthy mindset in some individuals. Receiving notifications and likes on social media correlates with dopamine release in the brain. This fosters unhealthy comparisons and validation seeking, leading to an impact on self-confidence.  

Improves physical health

Electronic device use promotes poor posture. Chronic use elongates the muscles of the back and shoulders. This contributes to a hunched posture. Forward head posture will also develop due to neck strain.
Spending less time on tech devices may equate to less sedentary behaviours. This allows for more time to focus on healthy behaviours and carry out physical activity. As those living a sedentary lifestyle will also be more likely to develop a mental disorder.

More spare time to relax your mind

The average person touches their phone over 2000 times a day. While this figure may be hard to swallow, imagine how much spare time you would have if you reduced this number? Put away your phone when carrying out an important task or turn your phone on silent mode. Eliminating the distraction will give you more free time to carry out things that matter to you. 

Increases productivity

Multitasking involves two processes; goal shifting and goal activation. Glancing at or using a smartphone during a specific task requires time. First, to re-orientate yourself and then, to focus on the required task.
A digital detox will promote increased focus at the task at hand for effective and efficient completion.
There’s no doubt technology makes life easier. The internet itself gives us unlimited capabilities for searching and accessing information. But sometimes it’s good to take a break from your digital life. Unplug your devices and unwind during your next digital detox.

About the author

Johanna Cider is a freelance writer who has happily collaborated with numerous blogs and sites. When she feels the need for a digital detox, she and her friends like to go stargazing. Find out more about Johanna and her written works on Musings of Johanna.

If you liked this article, you may like:
Digital Detox for Parents
Digital Parenting: Our Screen Time Rules

The post 6 Reasons Why You Need a Digital Detox Now – a guest post appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Society wires women to have a negative relationship with their body. Since girlhood we dwell in shame. Our body becomes the target of unwanted attentions as soon as we enter puberty and society’s expectation is that it’s our sole responsibility to preserve or defend it. We are taught that our period is something disgusting that should be hidden, a curse; even tampons commercials use the message of setting us free from our cycle. We are expected to look perfect according to standards we didn’t establish, no matter the cost for our well-being: from high heels to make up, from anti-ageing products to even surgery.

In other words, we are taught our body isn’t ours to enjoy. We are taught our body is meant to serve and please others regardless of what we want. We are taught that it is a liability and our vulnerability.

Personally, all this baggage piled up over the years contributed to my intolerance towards my body and its natural functions. My body was never enough – enough slim, enough curvy, enough beautiful, enough sexy – until it suddenly was too much – too exposed, too provocative. How could I feel good inside my skin? Then my children came and they needed it. They used it and frankly, they were the only ones who had a good reason and a right to do so. But I was done. I desperately wanted to own and be in control of my body for once in my life. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty. But I have now learned that big changes always come with a storm. I can see now how motherhood – in both the shapes I have been blessed with – gave me a chance to regain control of my body for the first time.

The first sign of this transformation came when I realised I didn’t need to obsessively remove my body hair. Mind you, I was extremely self-conscious about that. If I would spot one single hair on my leg, I would choose not to wear a skirt or go to the pool. The new life situation when my daughter was born sent this madness to the bottom of the priority list. I spent the first months of her life struggling to fulfil my basic needs, definitely not at the top of my looks, and something had to give. But hey… I didn’t die! My husband didn’t find me any less attractive! And would I really skip the baby swim class because I hadn’t had the time to wax? No way. New set of priorities, first step towards body liberation.

Another speck of enlightenment came in my sexual life, another chapter that postpartum had rocked not for the better. It took me years, but at some point I decided that I had a right to my own pleasure. I deserved it. My body had gone through a lot and deserved to be treated right. My pleasure in intimacy started climbing to the top of the priority list. Not that my partner had denied me anything, it was truly my fault: I didn’t have the courage to ask. For the first time I caressed the idea, what if my pleasure becomes the rule and not the exception?

Slowly, step by step, I realised how powerful my body is. It created, grew, and carried a human being. It healed afterwards. It fed a baby. It is a source of comfort for my children, capable of soothing their deepest fears and even their physical pain. Indeed, my body is also made for serving others, but not in the way the world had led me to believe. Not as a sexual object, but as a force of creation and a source of love. Shifting into this perspective motivated me to take better care of myself. I started listening carefully, I am learning to understand my body’s language. I try to keep it healthy and strong. I have learned to respect it. Finally, I have claimed my body back.

The post Claiming My Body Back appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Is my vulnerability as a foreigner cutting opportunities for my children?

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An inspiring read: Becoming

Are you looking for the next book to read? Look no more. I was completely blown away by the celebrate Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming. Michelle shares about her family, her intense life before meeting Barack, and their long journey before they even entered the White House. Living under the spotlight for 8 years wasn’t easy. Her memoir is raw, honest, and even though she went through an incomparable experience, most women will relate. Because underneath it all, there’s a woman who fought all her life to be true to herself, find a balance among career, self-realisation, motherhood, and supporting her husband in a demanding career. You’ll love it. I recommend to buy the audiobook on Audible, narrated by Michelle herself. It’s so powerful to hear her story through her spoken words.

Learning new recipes with Yummly

I have recently discovered this fantastic recipe app and it has changed my life. This may sound dramatic, but hear me out. I am used to make a weekly menu every weekend. We are quite picky and don’t want to eat the same dishes over and over. I also appreciate learning new things and trying new flavours. On top of that, I have recently cut my meat intake and this has forced me to expand my vegetarian recipe collection. I have struggled with finding reliable recipe websites. Yummly is super convenient: you can filter recipes with many criteria – special diets, allergies, cooking time, ingredients to avoid, variety of ingredients, and so on. It’s very easy to save recipes to personal collections and dishes are realistic and tested (and reviewed by users!). I have found great new ideas we have tried, tested, and loved! Give it a try, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

A YouTube channel you need to subscribe to

Chris Ulmer was a special need teacher who, quite by chance, became a paladin for diversity and acceptance. His YouTube channel, Special Books by Special Kids (SBSK) now counts 1.5M subscribers. Chris tours the world to interview people of all ages who are living with different kinds of conditions. He gives them a platform to share how they live, love, and more. The channel also became a community, full of engaged supporters who connect with the interviewees to express solidarity and also politely ask questions about the different lifestyles and challenges. I have learned so much from Chris’ videos and I am sure you’ll love them as well.

A sweet animation series on Prime

This original Prime Video series for children is just so cute! Both my kids love it. Personally, I especially appreciate it comes dubbed in a bazillion languages, so it’s multicultural-family-friendly. It’s a story of friendship, positivity, and facing obstacles with imaginative solutions. In some ways, it reminds me of Curious George. I’m always on the lookout for stimulating content when it comes to screen time, and this is a good catch!

An introduction to minimalism

Don’t worry, I’m not here to convert you to minimalism. It’s not for everyone (definitely not for me). However, few months ago my family underwent an interesting change after watching this documentary on Netflix. I had been attracted to the idea of cutting on the amount of stuff we owned for a long time, but struggled to make consistent change. Watching that film together with my husband triggered a real conversation and we took it on to make some adjustments. In few weeks, we cleared the house of several boxes of pure junk. We made space where we didn’t think it was possible. If you are fascinated by doing something like that, the documentary Minimalism can be an easy start to learn more about how you can set your mind to act on it.

I hope you will enjoy these little pearls I have collected for you. If you find any of these useful or enjoyable, don’t forget to let me know. I love to hear your feedback. Have a great and sunny July!

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The event was praised by all participants. I myself went back home with an excellent toolbox and renewed hope. Not too long ago I had an epiphany that my role as a parent when my children are overwhelmed is to help them express their feelings in a safe and contained way. Please don’t imagine me as Gandhi while my child is in the middle of a tantrum, I am not. Screams and defiance are terribly triggering for me, but defining my role allowed me to feel way more in control of the whole situation. However, I was quite at loss about what I could do concretely to help my children. Here’s what I personally brought home.

What is anger, really

Anger is a secondary emotion. The “Anger iceberg” visually shows some of the primary emotions hiding behind anger. Primary emotions are painful and make us feel vulnerable. Our innate instinct to run away from them make us shift to anger instead. This is common to all human beings, not just children. For example, someone who feels sexually rejected from their spouse may react by getting mad or becoming resentful instead. The key idea here is to try and understand what is the underlying emotion the child is not capable of showing. This may vary time to time and it’s closely connected to triggers, which I discuss later. For example: if your child shows anger – through defiance or tantrums – when you pick her from daycare, it may be that seeing you was a reminder of how she missed you during the day and how vulnerable she felt. In this field, my advice is to trust your guts. In the end, parents are always the best experts on their children. When you have a good idea of what the real issue is, you can react more appropriately. Sending a child who feels rejected to a time-out is the worst thing to do (I talk from experience!). You may wanna comfort and reassure, instead. With my children, it truly helps if I try to voice the emotion for them: “Maybe you felt rejected because I was paying little attention to you when I listened to your sister telling me about her day. I’m sorry you feel like that. I love you also when I’m not looking at you”. Imagine how frustrating must be to lack a way to properly express yourself, like when you try to speak a language you are not fluent in.

Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is just a red flag. How we express anger is the real point we are trying to fix. We need to teach our child how to express anger in a healthy and constructive way. Another point Angela made was about anger management VS therapy. My understanding is that while anger management may act as a quick fix to defuse the emotion, therapy is the only long-term working strategy. In the context of parenting, I interpreted this as having to teach or help the child to dominate the emotion in the spur of the moment, but also applying long-term strategies to allow the child to identify, cope with, and express their primary emotions and what they are rooted in. Just focusing on dealing with tantrums won’t solve the root cause. The main goal should not be to manage the single anger episode, but to help the child grow and learn how to self-regulate over time.

Identify the child’s triggers

What pushes your child’s buttons? What is that something that sets off the primary emotion and, consequently, the angry reaction? Common triggers in children can be tiredness, hunger. In adopted children they could connect to feelings, emotions, events in their past. I remember once reading about an adopted child who would throw a tantrum before every car ride, until their parents understood he associated car rides to the multiple home moves he had to endure. Every time they would board him on a car, he was terrified he was being moved to a new family. Knowing your child’s triggers can help you to prevent anger, as well as react at best. For example if your child is clearly exhausted and struggles to finish eating lunch, it may be wiser to break off the meal and put her to nap earlier. Or, in the example of the child angry when picked up from daycare, if she is hungry it may be wise to keep some snacks in the car. If the child is old enough, the parent can brainstorm and identify triggers together with her. Even if kids are small, it’s empowering to try and voice their triggers when they have calmed down: “Maybe you got mad because you were hungry“. We need to teach kids to become self-aware. A practical tool here is to print the identified triggers in a worksheet like this. With some creativity and cliparts, you can make up something more appealing yourself, the point being having the list accessible or visible somewhere.

Help the child to learn how anger feels

Anger can set in slowly or quickly. In any case, there are always announcing signs. For example my son starts changing his mind 30 times in 2 seconds and goes “yes-no-yes-no-” on everything. It’s useful for a parent to learn what the signs are, but in the long run the child should become self-aware. The body usually shows early signs of anger and we can help our children to identify those. For example ears may feel hot, or fingers may start tapping. At the risk of annoying you, remember with small children you can be the first to voice these signs: “When you get mad, your eyebrows go down like this and you start stomping your feet”. These remarks should be made when the child is calm, because she won’t be receptive during an episode. It can be useful to fill up a sheet like this one on the fridge and regularly go over it with the child. In my opinion, talking about the anger episodes during quiet moments is also a healthy way to normalise them.

Teach your child to express emotions verbally

A healthy long-term strategy is to teach your child to express their emotions verbally. Here Angela showed something that was nothing short of a revelation for me: the wheel of emotions.

She explained how children live mostly in the inner circle but growing up they should start to see the different shades of feelings, and move more and more outwards. How can you enrich your child’s emotional vocabulary? Some practical ideas:

• lead by example: voice your own emotions. I do it all the time. “Argh, I feel so frustrated this dress doesn’t fit me anymore” “I’m so excited we are going on a trip tomorrow” and so on. Children are always listening and observing their parents even when they don’t look like they are (no pressure);
• read books together: nowadays there’s an incredible selection of children’s books on feelings and emotions. I put a list together, but there’s plenty more available, in several languages;
• try and voice your child’s emotions: “I wonder if you feel tired” “Are you curious to see what’s inside this gift box?”;
• play games: for instance, mirroring each other face announcing a feeling (“Let’s make a sad face” “Now a happy face”). Once I made a deck of emotion cards and regularly had my kids guess what emotion the drawing on the card represented (ashamed, worried, surprised, …);
• create an emotion chart: Angela provided us with several examples of emotion charts. You can make your own and help the child express through figures how they feel (not during the anger episode, but maybe afterwards when she is calm). Charts can be used to identify what feeling one feels as well as how intensive it is. A similar useful concept is the anger thermometer. The chart should be age appropriate and can be created together with the child. Put it somewhere accessible.

Most importantly, you parent have to embrace the idea that feelings are a normal part of being human. Never punish a child for expressing her feelings. Just teach her the best way how.

Teach the child how she can feel better

As someone who who worked hard to pinpoint what made her really feel good only in her thirties, I cannot stress enough how enriching this learning can be for children. This is a crucial building block for self- regulation and control. The parent can guide the child to identify what helps her to defuse feelings, calm down, feel good. There’s such an empowering teaching in this approach: you may not be able to control what hurts you, but you can control how you take care of yourself. A “feeling-good kit” or “calm-down kit” can take several forms: it can be a physical box with soothing and/or sensory objects. The child doesn’t have to necessarily calm down by herself, the key is for her to learn in time to stay in control and go fetch the box; the kit can be a list of activities, like “counting to 10” or “go for a walk” or “ask for a hug from mom”. You can print a colourful list and have it accessible and teach the kid to redirect to it when necessary.

Behavior contracts

Another parenting tool presented was behavior contracts. Those are joint resolutions that a parent and a child agree on. Thinking of my own experience, I have some concerns on this approach. If you go down this road with an adopted child, you have to be alert on shame. The contract has to be a constructive and positive intervention step, not a routine opportunity to underline how the child has failed. Again, the cornerstones are helping and empowering the child.

Most importantly, regulate yourself

One key teaching was that parents have foremost to regulate themselves and be in control of their own emotions. Parents, willing or not, lead by example. If you don’t practice what you preach, your teachings are worth nothing. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, no one is. If you didn’t learn to self-regulate during your own childhood, you’ll start now. It’s never too late. If you slip away from your teachings, just apologise to the child. There’s much to learn by witnessing how parents face their own mistakes.

All the tools presented here can be applied to yourself as well! I myself made a “feel-good” list and hanged it in my bedroom. My husband and I once drew a representation of the negativity cycle we’d go when fighting and now it’s hanging on our bedroom closet. It really helps to have this sort of things written down and accessible. It’s the same principle of goal journals or to-do list: we tend to slip into our usual dynamics, good or bad. You can even make your own parenting behavior contract with yourself! In time, you will realise that you and your child are in this learning journey together.

Disclaimer: this post is not a replacement for the training, nor it is a faithful reporting. These are my own key learnings which I tried to convey as faithfully to the original source as possible.

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