Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

The post Bored Child, Sane Parent appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Having being raised with the “Hand of Saruman” constantly printed on my bottom, I used to believe spanking children is a natural part of the parenting experience. Like in a reward system, if you do something nasty you get spanked as a consequence. Same as grounding. I had my first child in Finland, where corporal punishment is illegal. Like, social-services-coming-to-your-house illegal. While at first glance it felt like an overkill, it forced me to reflect on spanking, whether it’s a right or even effective education method.

The child’s feelings

I have a clear childhood memory of how humiliating being spanked felt. Being hit reminded me of how vulnerable and defenceless I was as a little child. When my mother would cry “This is the end of discussion”, I felt disappointed and angry, but when she hit me I felt humiliated. When I was forced to reflect on the matter, I decided I didn’t want my children to feel like that at my own hand.
As an adult, I am aware of how being spanked negatively affected my relationship with my parents. It alimented an anger in me I still deal with as an adult.

Lead by example

We spend years teaching our kids they should not hit their siblings or friends… and then we do it? Seriously, think about it. Why should a parent be above the law? When you spank a child, you are teaching her the following: physical strength is what determines who wins an argument; there are some (unclear) conditions under which violence is okay; you are weak and I am strong.

I often say how children are our chance to live a second chance. It’s a painful process to face your own flaws, weaknesses, even fears, to become the best version of yourself. When you have the responsibility of raising another human being, you need to lead by example. Children are master mimics: they learn language by listening to their parents speaking, they learn empathy by tirelessly interacting with them, and they learn behaviour by imitating how their parents face the world. I know, it sucks! I mean, you are finally an adult and could virtually live a life of unhealthy snacks and freedom, and instead… you are forced to become responsible. I don’t remember signing to these terms.

It does not serve anyone

There are two reasons why parents spank: as a consequence or out of mere anger. It’s not effective in either case. The child may comply out of fear, not respect of the parental authority. Let me comment as someone who was raised with this method, it will not reinforce the relationship with your child. Shaming creates silent anger, which will come out in some unpleasant form as soon as the child feels safe enough to manifest it (for instance in teenage years when they are physically stronger or more independent). Does it help your own anger? Not really. It gives a trembling sense of control, but likely comes with an extra dosage of shame for having attacked someone more vulnerable. Frustration is your daily bread as a parent, but you need to find healthier ways to deal with it.

How to break the cycle

I sometime hear “My parents spanked me and I grew up fine”. “We always did it this way” is never a sound argument, but more of a tactic to avoid discussion altogether. However you decide to raise your kids, I think it’s worth stopping for a second and reflect on your motivations and goals. Start from why would you spank your child. Would it fit well in the values you are teaching her? Is it effective?
If you have been raised with this method or are using it, and want to break the cycle, be compassionate towards yourself. People tend to automatically go into the same parenting mode as they were raised. Especially if you had decent or good parents overall, it may be hard at unconscious level to criticise their methods (even more if they are physically close and asking why you are such a weak parent that you never spank your child). Remind yourself your parenting experience has nothing to do with your childhood one. You and only you choose the parent you want to be. If you slip into the habit, make sure to apologise to your children: we are not teaching them to be perfect, we are teaching them to be good human beings.

I would love to hear your comments on this one. Is spanking acceptable where you live? Do you feel comfortable with it? What tools do you use to teach consequences to children?

(be civil in your comment, we are here to discuss, not judge)

The post Why I Believe Spanking Kids Is Wrong appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I want to share my experience, to reach out to other moms struggling as well as fathers who may have a hard time understanding what the fuss is about.

It all starts with the pregnancy

I remember how excited I was to see that test coming out positive: I was pregnant! While I consider being able to carry a child a privilege and I appreciate some aspects of it, there’s a harsher reality that hits a woman right away: you are responsible for growing a human being. Straight away you are required to change your diet and give up unhealthy habits (which usually coincide with the pleasant ones). If the pregnancy has complications, you may be required to stay in bed and take time off work. Hormones make you all crazed up, like you are not in charge anymore. Your body transforms, you struggle to sleep, walking around or being independent is harder and harder. This lasts almost a year! On some days, your body feels more like a vessel than something that is part of you.

Postpartum joys (sarcasm)

A topic which is not discussed enough is the consequences of pregnancy on your body. After I gave birth, my body felt like a battlefield (not only down there!). A woman’s body changes permanently during the pregnancy and birth. You are sore for days or weeks. I recall how frustrated I felt when I had to throw away almost all my clothes, since nothing fit my hips and chest anymore. Like that part of my life was over forever. I lost vision consistently, my feet grew one size (bye, old shoes), I gained ten kilos I recently accepted will stay. All of sudden, I replaced feeling attractive and confident, with repulsive and disgusting. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, my flaccid postpartum belly hanging out, thinking “that is not me!”. It was a dissociating experience.

Breastfeeding

My attempt to exclusively breastfeed fueled PND big time for me (I’ve written about my struggles here). I did not have a great supply and one session took 40 to 60 minutes for me, during which I was just supposed to sit and wait. Repeat for 10 times a day. Since I was unable to pump, that also meant I had to prevent any personal life from happening for almost a year, since I could not leave the baby for more than an hour. How I hated being a woman, back then! Breastfeeding is knowingly demanding. It’s not just the fact you need to be available at all times: it takes time, it can be painful, and leaves your breasts like hanging empty sacks. Again, I did not feel in charge of my body. It was dehumanising to see it from that perspective.

Goodbye, personal space

Mommy is the source of comfort. It’s not for lack of attempts, dear dads! My husband spent most time at home with our kids, yet I hold the title of Head of Comfort. That’s just biology and we will never have equality there. Turns out, babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding personal spaces (shocker!). It can be truly challenging to get a break from them if you are not intentional and you fall prey of the guilt. As a first time mother, I could not cope with leaving my baby screaming in the hands of her father to get a well-deserved break. Now that I know the danger is potentially reenacting the movie Shining, I face things differently, but at the time it was hard to believe I deserved five minutes off. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this. It has much to do with the image of mother we have engraved in our minds, but I bet even the Virgin Mary has muttered murder when Jesus asked for the fifth glass of water past bedtime.
Being a mother naturally means having an audience while on the toilet, having your name screamed sixty to a hundred times a day, being used a climbing tool, having to cook dinner holding a baby who has much interest in your eyes and hair.

To summarise, motherhood felt like my body was a baby oven left irrecoverably damaged before turning into a food and comfort machine, while I was left to witness without a say in it.

And then there was him

Somehow couple life and dynamics have to fit in all this. Unfortunately I (we) did not nail this aspect and it took a long time for us to find a new healthy balance. Especially during the baby phase, in which a baby’s and her mom’s days almost overlap, I had a hard time having a slack left for my husband. I didn’t want to be touched! I had another human all over me for most of my day, I did not care for another. My husband complained I used to care for him and now I was gone. I wanted to murder him when he said that. All the issues described above made me feel like I had disappeared. Caring for another demanding and helpless human being was not giving me any space to find me again… and it felt selfish that he would ask for me to give even more when I had nothing left.

What I have learned

Now I know that out of inexperience and loneliness, I made so many mistakes which made my situation harder to bear. I have learned so much from those difficult years:

• self-care is not self-indulgence. Everyone deserves to be kind to themselves and fill their lives with joyful things. This includes cutting some space for you and your partner.
• motherhood is not martyrdom. It’s okay to acknowledge that sensory overload is a trigger and to take breaks from it. You have a right to personal boundaries. It’s okay to say I don’t like this aspect of parenting. I now believe it’s a lesson for our children to show we are able to set healthy boundaries.
• my body is powerful. My body has changed drastically and rapidly, but that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful. Beauty has little to do with perfection. My body has proven to be powerful to grow a human being!
• my partner went some dramatic changes too. I wish I was able to have more empathy towards my husband. He was also hit hard by becoming a father. It must have felt so alone to feel he was losing his wife. If I could turn back time, I would try to voice my discomfort, ask for help, show him my vulnerability. We would have found a less painful way to be close and evolve as a couple.
• my motherhood experience is only mine. Comparing your experience to others’ can make you lonely. Trust yourself and do not try to conform to some unreachable ideal of mother. Be true to yourself, your values as well as your limitations. You are enough.

I am grateful I have learned from my experience. I am grateful my whole family gave me space and time to heal and learn, and never left my side or lost their trust in me. I am grateful I am loved and accepted.

I am now well-aware I’m not alone in this struggle and I hope this post will validate the discomfort, pain, and even trauma many moms go through. I also hope it will spare some of that suffering and help others shift their perspective and learn new ways to take care of themselves and fulfil their potential to be happy. You are enough!

The post My Body Does Not Belong To Me: Struggling With Overstimulation As A Mom appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Methods and available resources vary if your child is in school age (7+ years) or younger. As far as I know there are no conclusive studies regarding the cut-off age of the critical phase of language learning – that is, the years when a child has high likelihood to learn a language at native level. Some studies children should start before age 5, others say 7, some even age 18. However, all agree that early exposure facilitates a child to learn. As a personal observation, I want to add that younger children are socially more relaxed, there is no social tension with their peers, no shame or embarrassment, so they allow themselves to make more mistakes and learn faster; beside that, early introduction allows children to explore more contexts where a language is used: we use different vocabularies in different contexts and with children according to their ages. Long story short, the earlier you introduce your child to Finnish (or any other language), the better. Whatever solutions you adopt, remember language learning is learned mostly through social interaction and not passive exposure.

Tips for younger children

Young children are the easiest customers. They usually enjoy every option you offer them and Finland has plenty of family events and workshops. Here’s some ideas of places and activities where your child can train her Finnish language skills.

Explore the local community

Where do Finnish stay-at-home parents spend their days? The answer is the local common houses. In the capital area, almost every neighbourhood has one. You can check out your town’s website and look up the keywords: asukaspuisto (“neighbourhood house”), avoin päiväkoti (“open daycare”), leikkipuisto (“playground”. This word denotes both simple open air playgrounds as well as common houses like asukaspuisto). In these places children roam and play safely, while mothers have a chat and a cup of coffee. They are also great places to meet other parents living close by. Don’t be shy of asking people their contact to plan playdates: Finnish people rarely make the first move at socialising but are happy to connect with other parents. MLL has also a special programme to facilitate this.

Family coffee meetups

The family association MLL plans nationwide regular meetings called perhekahvila (“family cafe”) open to all parents. Here’s the official page of the events; if you don’t find which is the closest gathering, do not hesitate to contact MLL! They are really happy to help parents building support networks. These meetings are also a great chance to socialise with Finnish parents and later organise playdates.

Library events

Finnish libraries are way more than book storage units, they are social and cultural hubs. Most libraries have regular and free-of-charge events for children, a popular one being the satuhetki, where books are read aloud to children. If you live in the capital area, you can check family events at this link, selecting “lasten ja nuorten tapahtumat” (“events for children and kids“). Pro-tip: use the Finnish page because Finnish events are not listed in the English one.

Music class

Music classes for children are popular in Finland, even as young as babies. You can look them up by searching for muskari. Music schools offer courses, but you may find one free-of-charge at the local church (they welcome people of all faiths) or in your local leikkipuisto or asukaspuisto. It’s a great parent-child activity as well!

Baby parks (kerho)

Kerho is some sort of daycare organised by the town. It’s meant for children over 2 years old who don’t attend daycare yet. When E was younger, I sent him to the local one to later ease up his introduction into daycare and it worked great. Children attend kerho 4-6 hours / week while their carer gets some well-deserved respite. An additional benefit of kerho is also that the child is introduce to the same routines and vocabulary that she’ll experience later in a Finnish daycare.

Daycare

This is the easiest solution: apply for a spot in a Finnish daycare! A child can attend daycare part-time as well as full-time. In Espoo daycares have standard programmes to enhance Finnish learning in bilingual children. Teachers and carers teach children Finnish through games and constant practice, and then report the progress to parents. My children learned Finnish quickly and very well thanks to the efforts of their carers!

Tips for school-age kids

I will admit older kids are not my expertise, since mine are still young. If you are reading this post and have suggestions to add to this section, by all means leave a comment and I’ll be glad to add them here.

Social life and hobbies

Nothing motivates kids like the wish to belong to a community. Depending on the age of your kid, you may have more or less influence on their social life. Be the first to encourage them to have Finnish friends. Hobbies are a great way to gently expose them to their peers speaking Finnish once or twice a week. Don’t be afraid that they won’t follow instructions and feel left out: I’m a sleep-deprived adult and I’ve been able to follow all kind of classes in Finnish even before speaking it. It may take time, but they will adapt.

Parent-child hobby classes

This requires some sacrifice on your side, but taking a hobby class with your kid can be a great way to spend quality time and a spectacular excuse to expose her (and yourself) to Finnish language. There are all sorts of courses offered in the Helsinki area on Ilmonet and they are very cheap: cooking, crafting, workout classes… everything you can think of, you can find.

Events

Libraries (see above) offer events for all ages, so it’s worth checking them out. Beside that, there are constantly events for families or kids advertised on Facebook. You can look up also cultural hubs (kultturikeskus) and their seasonal programmes. Check our also Lippu.fi or TicketMaster.fi for all kind of events.

Youth centres

Some neighbourhoods are provided with small centres for young people called nuorisotalo. There may be regular and free-of-charge events organised there, like “girls’ cafe” where young girls can meet up, or videogame competitions, and much more.

I hope this list of ideas will help you introduce your child to Finnish language and help you integrate here in Finland!

The post How to Introduce Your Child to Finnish language – a crash guide for expat parents in Finland appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I’m so glad to welcome today a guest dad blogger from Canada, Matt from Dashing Dad. While reading his post I was alternating laughs with “awww“s. His learnings perfectly align with my own conclusions, even though it took way longer than a year for me to reach them. How powerful can mum guilt drag us back! It feels comforting and validating when a father comes to the same realisations as we mothers do, namely on the importance of self-care, on how not to lose focus on the parents’ relationship, as well as ways to keep our sanity while at home with the kids. But enough of my opinions, please enjoy Matt’s post and don’t forget to follow his family adventures on his blog and social media (Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest / Facebook).

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My name is Matt, I am the host of Dashing Dad and have been a stay-at-home Dad for just over one year with my beautiful daughter in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I won’t lie to you, I think being a stay-at-home Dad is the greatest job in the world. There hasn’t been a day where I have thought to myself “Man I wish I was back at work,” or “boy I miss those long commutes in rush hour traffic.”

While I have read many instances of SAHD’s being judged or looked down upon for their decision, I have been fortunate that has not been my experience. I have both a loving and supportive wife as well as a supportive community. I realize I’m lucky and that these opportunities to spend time with my daughter are fleeting.

Going into being a Dad I had little idea of what to expect and what to do. While I’m far from perfect, I have learned a lot in my first year. Here’s some of the main things.

Activities are a sanity saver

Obviously, everyone’s personalities and parenting styles are different, but for me I need to be doing something. Sitting at home and doing nothing is difficult for me most days. Sure, the odd Sunday when it’s the middle of February and -40, it’s great to curl up at home and not leave the couch, but for the most part I need to be out and about. As far as the day-to-day life at home is concerned, this has meant planning my weeks out with activities to do each day. Since Clara still blesses me with long afternoon naps (I know how lucky I am and I’m soaking them in while they still last) most of the things I plan are in the morning. 

all of this helps me keep my sanity and helps the days pass much quicker. Speaking of time passing quickly…

Long days, short months – I get it

I was told frequently before having Clara how fast time would move. As I shifted into becoming a SAHD the expression long days, short months or long days, short years was thrown around quite a bit and boy do I get it.

When you’re in the day-to-day life of being home the days can DRAG by. Especially on weeks where either you or your child aren’t your best self(s). Clara has just turned two and a few weeks ago flipped a switch straight into terrible twos. By the end of the first week of dealing with it, I was done and needed a break. But as I sit back and reflect on it, that was now almost two months ago, and I can’t believe it’s already 2019. Before I know it, she’ll be heading to pre-school and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for that.

Patience is important but requires daily practice

When kids aren’t actively trying to kill themselves – which let’s be honest is pretty much 24-hours-a-day – they’re pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. It’s natural and it’s a part of growing up – but that doesn’t make it easy. As the days start to pile on top of one another, and you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again, your patience can wear thin. Or disappear completely.

For me learning to deal with that has meant recognizing when I’m at my wits end and taking a step back. Doing something selfishly for myself, whether it be sitting on the couch doing nothing during nap, going for a bike ride, or going out for drinks with friends, it’s important for me that I do those things so that my lack of patience doesn’t carry over into the next day.

Keeping our marriage strong takes work

As much as you may love being a stay-at-home parent, or as much as your partner may enjoy their job it’s vitally important to take time for your relationship. In the first year of being a stay-at-home dad, it took a few months before Dashing Mom and I had a clear feeling of what our new roles were in the family. That is still evolving, and we are doing a better job of checking in with each other to see how we’re doing. These little chats can feel like coming up for air from the underwater chaos that is everyday life.

Lots of people talk about putting their kids first, but in our family,  Clara comes second and our relationship comes first. Kids learn so much by watching the way their parents interact. It’s how they build a foundation of how relationships should look and what a marriage is.

Not taking care of your relationship can create children that are potentially dependent longer than they should be and that have a sense of entitlement. It can also create a toxic relationship with your spouse filled with resentment and hurt feelings.

For us, taking the time for each other can be as simple as having a long discussion about our days and the plans for the upcoming weeks. It can mean a date night, or a short overnight trip to the mountains. Sometimes it can even mean taking Clara to the park and chatting while she plays. But it does take a focused effort to make sure we do these things, otherwise before we know it months will have gone by and we won’t have had a meaningful talk about anything (see: long days, short months above).

I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s OK

Parenting has come with a shocking amount of learning. Sleep schedules, snacks, girls hairstyles, clothes (how many layers does a baby need to sleep in?!?!?!?) the learning is never ending and I constantly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

But that’s ok.

Part of being a parent, I’ve found, is learning on the go and learning to roll with the punches. Doing what works for our family and not feeling guilty about it. That also means not judging other families for what works for them. And when worse comes to worse, there’s always our good friend Google (I never thought I would Google “how to get poop out of _____” so often).

The only constant is change

At times it’s downright cruel that just as you get used to your child doing something they go and change it.

“Good news, Clara loves grapes so I went and bought a pound of them!”

*Clara refuses to eat grapes for the next month.*

*I eat a pound of grapes.*

It makes sense that kids are constantly changing, especially in their early years, but it can still be annoying. I’m learning I need to embrace the constant change and just try to roll with it.

It’s all so worth it

Given the choice again, I would pick staying home over and over. Clara and I have a strong bond (although I completely cease to exist once mom is home lol) and I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to get to watch her grow up and all of the random hugs I get for anything in the world. I look forward to more outdoor adventures, teaching Clara new things, doing silly dances and watching her grow. While I’ve learned a lot in my first year as a stay-at-home dad, I’m under no delusions that my learning is done and I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.

You can find Dashing Dad at his blog Dashingdad.ca as well as on:

Instagram
Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest

He is also a finalist in the Best of Calgary awards, for Top Blogger.

The post Daddy’s Got This #8 | What I’ve learned in a year as a stay-at-home dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Researching all conditions was long and heavy. We split the job but it took several weeks anyway (consider starting early on, the counsellor or the agency can share the form with you upon request). I remember we tried to assess:

The post Getting ready for the special needs list appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

For almost three years, we struggled with her waking up too early. We tried everything we could think of: reward charts, a children’s clock to let her know when it was morning time, moving bedtime both later and earlier, skipping the afternoon nap, you name it. That kid would regularly get up ready to play before 6 am, even at 4.30 am. In addition, it took well over a year for her to sleep through the night, with some awful weeks when she was nine months old which took away every last ounce of sanity from me.

I’m sure many of you had worse experiences and are sending names to me. Even at the time I heard accounts of children who would take two hours to fall asleep every night or school-age kids which still wouldn’t sleep through the night, forcing their miserable parents to take turns to sleep. Even at the time I was aware my issues were moderate, but I couldn’t help feeling how I felt. When I was at home with my girl for the first nine months of her life, I was struggling with a stressful breastfeeding experience and I was feeling extremely lonely. I had moved to Finland only one year prior and didn’t have any good friends, nor family to help me out. I was the only mother among my young colleagues. The only community I had was online and, out of inexperience, I hadn’t chosen it well. There, I was either told a million potential causes which would make my girl sleep poorly or to suck it up as that’s how kids are. Both these didn’t sound nice to the ears of someone who was severely sleep-deprived and very insecure of her motherly skills.

I was alone, feeling without any support, and desperately thinking that my life would look that sad and empty from then onwards. When I went back to work, things weren’t better. I was in a toxic workplace and wasn’t aware of it. Loneliness followed me there and sleep deprivation would prevent me from doing my job well, since it required all my brain power. I remember I felt like motherhood had emptied me of my identity and individuality. I regretted becoming a mother. Once I even shouted unspeakable things to my baby, in the midst of despair. I punched the wall, the mattress, and the bedhead on many occasions. I cried a lot.

I don’t recall when things started to get better. There was no epiphany, no mystic revelation. Our sleep overall got better and we developed some strategies (like taking turns to sleep on weekend days). I started to accept the changes that motherhood had brought along in my heart. I changed my job and started working in a much better place. My daughter grew and became more independent, thus reducing the total stress of parenting.

The experience left me scars though. Whenever my kids’ sleep habits decline, I can sense the same feelings of despair and rage boiling deep inside me. At first, they terrified me. When our adopted son joined the family, he had some sleep issues (minimal considering the situation!). I felt like I had precipitated again in the same dark hole as three years prior. I was in panic, unable to rationalise the situation, afraid my life would be ruined again and everything new I had built for myself would be torn into pieces by the newly arrived. It took a lot of self-control and in many occasions, I physically removed myself from the stressful situations to collect myself. Finding out that the wound was still open was even more painful and worrying than getting it in the first place. This time I concentrated on accepting it and being aware that sleep deprivation is my parenting arch-nemesis. I will be honest, this is the one thing that terrifies me when I imagine to grow the family. What if we’ll get a bad sleeper? And I mean, a real one. The kind which requires an exorcism to sleep every night or the kind which apparently doesn’t need any sleep at all. How will I manage to avoid a mental breakdown? Will the support network and services I have now make a real difference?

One thing I feel more confident of is that I am not afraid to admit my own limitations and to ask for help. Yes, I’m a mother and coffee is not enough for my survival! And no, I’m not gonna suck it up.

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The post Coping with my children’s sleep issues appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

FamilyBoost is a Finnish company that aims to deliver the latest knowledge in child development to parents in an open and accessible way. Heidi and her business partner Julia Pöyhönen met as psychology students in Helsinki and, after working for few years in family counselling, they went on to start FamilyBoost in 2016. “The biggest motivation was to create a service that’s very easily accessible.”, Heidi shares, “Parents today are more ready to seek help than parents before. Even if the family doesn’t have massive issues they may still seek for help, which is great of course”. Internet may assist, but it’s not enough. Besides, Heidi tells me her general feeling about online articles is that they tend to blame parents and may have a negative effect.

Heidi and Julia, founders of FamilyBoost.

FamilyBoost introduces self-paced online courses focused on specific themes. Courses generally last four to eight weeks, with an average commitment of 2 hours a week. The current offer includes “Toddler boost”, “Teen boost”, a course to encourage parents’ self-care, one to cultivate attachment, and one to guide young children to identify and manage their feelings. These courses don’t replace therapy, but aim to empower parents and to prevent further escalating of challenging situations. As an adoptive parent, I ask if there’s something suitable for carers of children with behavioural issues. She replies the course “Taitoboosti” promotes attachment strategies and tackles aspects common to adopted or foster kids.

“We thought it was important to have an easy access service for parents that you can use wherever you are, at any time you want, you are not tied to the office hours or the location of the service”. Heidi goes on to tell me many of the students are from different areas of Finland and they even had Finnish parents following the courses from abroad. In addition, some small towns have started using their services to support the families in their care. It’s a great win for them to see how their tailored contents reach parents all over Finland.

Look at their logo! Clearly, we were meant to meet :P.

Courses are offered only in Finnish language, even though there’s a plan to scale up in the future and offer contents in English as well. FamilyBoost has received great appreciation and positive feedback by the local parenting community, and it’s been extremely rewarding. Beside courses, Heidi and Julia offer some tailored advice for students who ask for additional information, and they promote peer support through closed Facebook groups for their students. They curate a rich blog which I recommend you to follow closely. I love their motivation to make accurate and professional knowledge accessible to parents all over Finland. I’m grateful to Heidi for sharing her story with me and to FamilyBoost to provide these fantastic tools to families.

I have great news for my readers! FamilyBoost offers you a special 25%-off discount on all their courses. Just use the code theelephantmum during checkout. The offer is valid until January 31st, 2018. Don’t waste any time and boost your parenting now!

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I want to talk about my own experience as a first-time mother almost five years ago. Exclusive breastfeeding was strongly encouraged by the society I was living in, by the books I had read while expecting, and by any online community of mothers I was part of. It was pictured as a natural thing any woman’s body was capable of, while formula milk was the banner of a worldwide conspiracy perpetuated by its producers through  strong advertising campaigns and direct corruption of doctors. Yes, I had read there were some aspects to take care of: a C-section could affect the milk supply, as well as incorrect latching. I was aware of the perils and fully trusting my body and my baby for the rest. There was no such thing as “not enough milk”, blog posts everywhere said. Breast sizes didn’t matter at all, nor did the baby’s demand rate.

I was lucky to have a easy vaginal birth and my daughter and I were never separated by the staff. She latched to my breast as soon as she came out, and I still keep the memory of that first intimate contact fondly in my heart. We both slept through the night after delivery, both exhausted. On the following morning a nurse came checking her latching was correct and gave me some advice. I could barely see milk coming out of my nipples, but I kept telling myself my body knew better and my baby would teach it how much milk it needed to produce. After a couple of days, we went home. My baby was hungry most of the time. I would breastfeed for sessions as long as an hour. Basically, I was constantly feeding her. Her weight was not growing as it was supposed to, but I tried to resist formula. I started drinking some awful-tasting smelly tea which was supposed to help. Then I added alcohol-free beer. I began entering the shower several times a day and throw hot water on my breasts, to facilitate production and flowing. I called a midwife for additional advice and for an acupuncture session. I added pumping to the mix: nothing would come out, but I was hoping to stimulate production. I kept massaging my breasts whenever I had my hands free. All these things started piling up, to the point that – I’m not overstating – my daily routine completely rotated around my breasts. And still, my baby was hungry all the time and growing too slow. During all these difficult days – which became weeks – I kept asking for advice or support. My mother, my nurse, even my trusted midwife pushed me towards formula. But people on online groups or forums would keep stating that it had to work and insinuating I was probably doing something wrong. Maybe you should try that. Have you tried this? Maybe the baby is crying for other reasons (which sounded like, maybe you don’t understand your baby at all).

I was a first-time mother. I was quite young when I got pregnant and still shocked of how my body had radically changed through the past months. And believe me, it was not for the better. I was living in a foreign country with no close family support. I cannot explain how I was feeling then, if not as not good enough as a mother. Not good enough as a woman. My body was supposed to know and work, and it wasn’t. Why couldn’t I feed my baby properly? My husband was as clueless as me and tried to support me as best as he could. Kudos to him, who trusted my choices fully and tried to comfort me as much as he could.

Finally, I reluctantly gave in to formula. And there came a huge shock for me. When I fed my girl with her first bottle, she avidly drank, then lied on some pillows with a happy and tired face, looking in the void in front of her, for twenty minutes. Like she was feeling full for the first time, finally. I cried for hours. I was so blinded by all the “truths” on breastfeeding, that I hadn’t listen to my child at all in weeks. She had been hungry probably all the time. What kind of mother was I? That was the last strike for my morale. The expression on my girl’s face haunted me for months after that day. I still keep it in my memory, to remind myself never to be a stubborn parent, but one open to truly listen.

After I accepted my own limitations, breastfeeding became a pleasant shared moment.

Since that day, we used formula milk as a supplement. I kept breastfeeding my girl until she was almost one year old and I am proud of it. She got was she needed from my body anyway. Formula milk has served only to put some fat on her bones. It took weeks for me to recover from the storm of negative feelings I tormented myself with, and from the guilt.

I share this story for a reason. I want to reassure all mothers and expecting mothers, that breastfeeding may be natural, but it’s also hard. I encourage you to breastfeed, as research supports its benefits, but please don’t go crazy as I did. I suspect I fell into a spiral of stress, and after all that contribute for my milk supply to drain. It was not worth it. My family has found the perfect balance in using formula as a supplement, and that’s what you need to aim for: balance. There’s no shame in revisiting your goals. And you should know breastfeeding is another strike to your body. Your breasts will change their shape, they will hurt, lick milk out, and will get out of your sexual fantasies potentially forever. I am firm believer a woman’s body is only hers. If you choose not to breastfeed because you think your body had enough, that’s okay as well. We hear of women who proudly choose to breastfeed toddlers until they are five, or women who offer to breastfeed their friends’ babies, but there’s still no space for women who refuse their body to breastfeeding. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s okay, too. Breastfeeding is a personal choice and I hope the community of mothers – online or not – will evolve into being more supportive and understanding of different choices in the future.

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You wanted it so much, why are you complaining now?

This is something I bet every adoptive parent tell themselves when they are feeling overwhelmed. I surely did tell myself that. Apparently, some are even told by other people. This thought may seem natural, but now that I can see things clearly, let me tell you it doesn’t make any sense. Struggling with daily life doesn’t mean you regret your choices. Raising an adopted child is no piece of cake. Many adoptive parents are even first-time parents – bless them, they’re my heroes – and I can only start to imagine how shocking the change must be for them. Overall it took me two years to fully accept my new life when I had my biological daughter. Adopting a child, even if you had years to prepare, is a staggering change. If you adopt a child older than an infant, you’ll probably find yourself with a traumatised child who basically considers you her abductors. Try to imagine how a child behaves in that situation. So no, wanting your child with all your heart doesn’t mean you don’t deserve support.

This child has suffered so much, I don’t feel entitled to feel pain myself

Here’s another thought which prevented me from admitting my feelings. I later learned I can deal with my son’s issues and mine at the same time, and our healing process can overlap. Denying my emotions has been the most damaging choice. There is no ranking when it comes to pain and negative feelings. And what better example for our children to show how we ourselves deal with our struggles? I started feeling better when I began naming out my emotions: frustration, anxiety, fear for the future, sadness. It was a huge change. Changes have always been stressful for me. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

Years of fighting to bring your child home: now what?

My husband and I spent years fighting to adopt a child and months waiting specifically for our son. It was a painful time, with one goal in mind: to bring our child home. If you never adopted, you need to understand you kinda need to obsess about it to get to the end of it. If you are not fully determined, you won’t make it. During these years, you need to prioritise the process over anything, if you want to bring your child home soon. That’s your only way to minimise the long waiting time. It’s a really intense experience. I wonder if part of my issues came from having, in a way, reached my goal. I’ve read somewhere that this sudden shift to a new phase can be upsetting and it may be that your body and mind finally release all the stress accumulated in years. You know when you work very intensively for a long time and when you finally take a day off, you get the flu? That sort of situation.

Expectations VS reality

During the long wait, I’ve let myself dream and imagine all the beautiful things I wanted to do with my adopted child. Even though I was no first-time mother and I knew the harshness of daily life with a small child, I couldn’t help thinking what I wanted to teach, show, and give to my child. I tried to resist building expectations and still I had some. When we picked up my son, reality set in. Even though I felt I was aware of how traumatic this life passage would be for him, I really wasn’t. I found myself struggling with a traumatised and scared toddler. Turns out the idyllic moments I was dreaming about are in a ratio of one in a hundred compared to the power fights, tantrums, inconsolable crying, worries, and so on. Again, no regrets. Fighting hard makes all progress and rewards taste amazing. But guys, some days are freaking tough.

I feel so relieved I put all these thoughts down and rationalised them. I am better now, much more aware of my own limitations and confident we can overcome any obstacle as a family. It didn’t come as an overnight epiphany, but with consistent joint work as a family and as individuals. I would love to hear if other fellow adoptive parents went through these feelings and if I helped you by sharing, please fill my heart by letting me know. If you are friend or related to an adoptive family, please be aware these negative feelings are common and they may need your support. Thanks for reading, until next time.

Post update

One year in, I am still struggling with deeply negative feelings. I also found out I’m not alone in this and since this gives me solace, I will start linking similar posts down here.
I’m not happy? Did I have post adoption depression? by Tooting Mama

The post Adoption baby blues: it’s a thing appeared first on The Elephant Mum.