What is Kamalat äidit about?

Kamalat äidit® (Terrible Mothers) is a nationwide project that has been operating for 15 years. Our mission is simple: to offer peer support groups for mothers of teenagers. In our groups, we talk about everyday life, challenges and joys of living with an adolescent. We support and empower each other, by sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in a safe and warm space. We are currently developing MKA (monikulttuurinen Kamalat äidit), our multicultural activities.

Why did you choose this name for the initiative?

Our name “Kamalat äidit” means Terrible Moms. Our project started in Oulu in 2005 and has been catching attention ever since. We registered its name and model in 2013, and became officially Kamalat äidit®. I love that name, it’s a way to own something that may otherwise be heavy, either because your teenage kid calls you a terrible mom or because you feel yourself like a terrible mother. You’re allowed to feel like you feel and it’s ok. And when you meet others, you realise that you’re actually awesome, terrible moms.

How does it work in practice? 

Our groups are led by two peer support group counsellors. If at least two potential volunteers identify a need in their city and they get in touch with us, we visit and offer them a training to start a group. Our volunteers are very independent and they get to build their groups. In practice our groups gather 4 to 10 moms, 10 times. The groups meet once a week or twice a month, depending on the availability of the peer support group leaders. Each session has a theme and exercises, but we always give priority to the discussions.

Can participants preserve their identity if they wish?

On our online groups it’s been very easy for our participants to be anonymous. For the face-to-facee groups it’s different. Participants can share with others what they feel like sharing. Participants are free to preserve their family members by not sharing their names and it is part of our rules to make sure that information that could identify our participants are not disclosed. We also have a strict rule on confidentiality (what happens during the meetings can not be shared outside the group). Our groups are based on mutual trust and a feeling of being safe, and we make sure that it stays that way. 

Are facilitators YWCA staff?

In some cases, Kamalat äidit staff may be part of the group. But most of the time, the groups are led by two volunteers. When a volunteer and a staff member are leading a group, the staff member always make sure to give the maximum space possible to the volunteer.

If facilitators are volunteers, what kind of support do they get?

The network of volunteers we have all around Finland is I think one of our biggest joy. Our volunteers are first of all trained. They get to know our organization, our project and the way the groups work. We go through the sessions’ themes with them, and work on their own peer support group leaders skills (group dynamics, facilitation). We also work with them on their own motivation. After this training, we support them to find participants for the group that they want to create. We offer them personalized support and guidance once the group has started. If they need help with a specific topic, need extra material or extra help for a participant, we also make sure that it is available. We organize meetings and trainings for our volunteers in different places in Finland several times a year.
With our multicultural activities, we are also planning into giving specific trainings on the theme of multiculturality, cultural sensitivity or multilingual work for example.

Do you have groups in languages other than Finnish? And is it possible to start new ones in other languages?

Until now, we have had almost only exclusively groups in Finnish. My job now is to develop our multicultural activities, and languages are at the center of it! We are going to have groups in Finnish, English and Spanish in autumn 2020. We strongly encourage mothers of teenagers who would like to volunteer or participate in English or in Spanish to get in touch with us, as we are going to have our volunteers training in both these languages in June 2020. If you want to start a group in your city or if you want to participate in one of our groups, let us know!
For next year, we are working on developing groups in other languages, and we are very open to discuss it with other NGOs, cities and of course women who want to volunteer!
I’d like to tell a little bit about our multicultural activities, that I am in charge to develop. Our goal is to make sure that our groups are open to mothers who experience multiculturality in their lives. Of course foreign moms are welcome, but also Finnish moms living in multicultural or multilingual families, adoptive mothers, as well as moms who feel that multiculturality is an important factor for them and who want to share with moms from different horizons.

What range of topics do the groups cover usually? Do they include hard stuff (drugs, eating disorders…)? If a mother needs this specific kind of peer support, do you help her match to other moms who deal with the same?

Our groups’ priority is to create a space for the mothers to talk about what they want. We have a general structure for our groups, some of our themes are daily life challenges, parenthood, set limits and rules… We have low threshold themes as well as deeper ones, exploring the mothers relations to their own youth, motherhood or the future. Difficult topics are of course discussed in our groups. Some mothers inform us when they register about a specific situation that they face or a specific topic that they need to open up about. Use of drugs, sexuality, eating disorders, school issues, gaming and phone addiction, are topics that come up very often. One very powerful thing that happens in our groups is that very often the moms realize that they are not alone, that other families go through similar situations, and that others can understand and support, without judging or having to explain. Our groups are nevertheless not therapies, even though they can have therapeutic effects. Our volunteers are trained to recognize the situations in which they should direct our participants to professional help, and the staff is always ready to support them.

Can you share some success stories or positive feedback you have received from mothers?

I can share with you some feedback that we received in Finnish.

”Tämä oli minulle hyvä henkireikä. Niin siis kiva, mahtava.” (This was a lifeline for me. So nice, awesome)
”Aina saa tukea, tsemppiä, voimaa.” (You always get support, energy, strength)
”Ryhmässä uskalsi puhua ja sai voimaa.” (In the group I dared to speak and I got strength)

Our multicultural activities have received a lot of positive interest from mothers, volunteers and professionals. I’d love to come back next year to keep you updated on a success story for a multicultural mother and her family.

Do you have groups for fathers as well? Did you get requests to start any?

We don’t have groups for fathers. Our organization is a women’s organization, and our motto is “courageous and loving acts by women”. We focus on mothers, knowing that their empowerment and wellbeing will also affect positively the whole family. We welcome all mothers.

If someone wants to sign up to a group or become a facilitator, what do they have to do?

They can write to [email protected]. Just mention that you’re interested in our multicultural activities and you’ll be put in touch with me.

Are you a Terrible Mother? Don’t be shy to connect with other moms or start a group yourself. You will never be alone in facing the challenges of parenting a teen.

Featured image by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.

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Nordic Nannies is a service provider connecting families and carers. Mareena herself has worked as a nanny for roughly 20 years across seven countries. She is very aware of what skills candidates should have, what needs families have, as well as what it means to be an immigrant.

“I know a lot about moving from Finland, applying for jobs abroad in the nanny industry, how to enter a new family and make a life there, working and living abroad in a new country and a new culture”, she says. Many international families in Finland lack family support and several look for childcare solutions, even temporarily.

Mareena can match families with different profiles. There’s the well-known au-pairs, young people seeking for a low-cost cultural experience in exchange for some help with childcare and house chores. Such arrangements usually last 6 months top. Similarly, elderly companions can assist older people with daily life for up to a year. If a family is looking for longer placements, Mareena can match them professional nannies. One interesting profile is the one of governess or gouverneur, that is a private teacher. Home-schooling is legal in Finland – although extremely rare – and some families moving from abroad might benefit from temporarily home-schooling their children. For example, hiring a Finnish private teacher could help school-age children transition more easily in a new language and education system. Some families move to Finland in the middle of the school year or miss to get one of the few places at the international schools, and a private teacher could help bridge the school year.

Mareena started Nordic Nannies primarily to offer young Finns a chance to work abroad. In time, the business evolved and now she is capable of matching families, living both in Finland and abroad, with carers with various backgrounds, language skills, and countries of origin.

“Having worked myself here in Finland I know the system, for example how families can apply to Kela grants helping with the costs of childcare.”

This is particularly relevant for expat families, who might struggle finding out what benefits and rules are. There are several benefits that make hiring domestic help cheaper or provide tax cuts. Mareena is happy to assist families with questions regarding taxes and labour in Finland. Thinking of expats in Finland, I asked if she would be willing to find carers speaking the family’s minority language. She replied: “I have capabilities of finding candidates in other countries, in addition to Finns. I have networks and I am collaborating with other agencies. It’s definitely possible. I have many contacts among British nannies, but also some in Asia. Obviously with candidates from countries outside the EU can be issues with visas and it might take time. In the past I have also hired foreign candidates that were already in Finland. I am not lacking candidates like that”. Moreover, if a child has special needs, she has also capability of finding a nanny with training or previous experience with the condition.

Mareena works as a consultant and a recruiter. She requests an initial fee and a one-time contribution for a successful placement. If you will mention The Elephant Mum when you register, you’ll get a 10% off the placement fee (offer valid until 30.6.2020).

The best satisfaction of her job? “The most rewarding thing is when the family contacts me after few weeks and they are happy, everything is going well, they say it’s so easy, they come home from work and everything is taken care of… when it works for both parties, the nanny is happy and treated well”.

Featured picture by Dorothe Wouters on Unsplash.

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Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

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Studying maths

My life was rocked at 16 when my high school maths teacher entered the classroom for the first time. I had always been gifted with maths and logic, but that day I knew I wanted to become a mathematician. A couple of years later, when it was time to choose my major, I ignored all advice and followed what I felt was right. My parents, teachers, classmates told me mathematics would never put food on my table. Nowadays I am a project manager, yet I never regretted that decision. I have spent almost a decade studying a subject I deeply loved and that’s something.
(for the record, maths paid the bills for 5 years ).

Moving abroad

Nine years ago, at age 24, I left my family, friends, and boyfriend behind and moved to Finland on my own. I didn’t know one thing about Finland, for real. I couldn’t name any Finnish brand or had any idea how life would look like. I did it to escape my childhood home and to pursue my studies. It was scary as hell, yet it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

Reporting sexual harassment at work

It took me a long while to see what was going on, but I don’t blame myself. This is how predators act, turning on the temperature slowly without you realising it’s gotten to boiling point. My reality check was when a fellow colleague was physically assaulted. When I reported him, I was dead sure I would be fired and everything would be shushed. He was powerful. I did it because I realised this was bigger than me. In the end the workplace rewarded my bravery.

Loving fiercely my children

I wanted to title this section “adopt”, but it would be misleading. We opened our home and hearts to children who needed both. While I hate when strangers compliment me on it (they have no clue and these matters are very complex to say smart things about them), in my heart I am proud because I know it’s been a long and tough journey, one that required – still does – plenty of faith and patience. The hard part wasn’t the decision nor the bureaucracy, it’s slowly building relationships that often gives back little to nothing.

Accepting the relationship with my parents

Realising that the relationship with my parents would never be what I wanted and needed it to be was tough. When it comes to strained relationships with close family, we all want to retain a grain of hope that the situation can be recovered. After years of attempts, fights, compromises, talks, I finally got to a point where I understood this would never happen and somehow made peace with it. This was deeply saddening to do in the moment, but turned out to be liberating in the long run.

Following my dream

Last year I realised what sector I really wanted to work in. I didn’t have the right qualifications and I would leave behind better paying roles. It wasn’t an easy search and in the end I have been more lucky than I deserved landing the perfect position for my skills and ambitions… but leaving my previous job and turning down better paying offers required plenty of courage!

Opening my heart to someone

Loving my kids required courage, but also opening up to my husband did. Letting him in and showing my less-attractive traits, my deepest fears, and my vulnerabilities has probably been the bravest thing I have done in my entire life. We all long to be seen, yet exposing our vulnerabilities can be terrifying. Rejection is totalising when someone has really known you and still choses to have you out of his life. Keeping a little distance is a way to preserve yourself. Revealing your deepest fears to someone it’s like handing them the ultimate weapon that can kill you and hoping they won’t use it. Ever. Even if the relationship and context will change. Researcher and speaker Brenè Brown reveals how this rite of passage is unavoidable to live a wholehearted life. There can be a huge reward if you dare to step in there.

Developing self-compassion

Unfortunately my family not only failed to provide me with the great tool self-compassion is, but left me with a well engrained self-loathing machinery within. For years I have run towards unreachable goals, little enjoyed rewards, and focused on my failures. Developing self-compassion (which turned to be essential to develop compassion for others!) required me to disassemble everything I was, every little natural pattern, every pathway of my mind, and rebuild completely. Having to keep my awareness active on every small decision and live out of my comfort zone for so long was exhausting and a thousand times I got this close to giving up. But I didn’t.

Facing depression

Depression has walked with me since puberty. Some episodes were easier than others. Sometime I got myself out of it, sometime I couldn’t do it without a hand. How many times I thought that was the last time. After this I will be forever healed. I don’t know if I will never suffer from it again, I can’t tell. What I know is that I have pulled myself out of it over and over. And that takes strength and courage. If you have had depression, you very well know how you have little of both when you’re prey of it. For a long time I have tortured myself for falling depressed multiple times, but recently I have decided to switch my perspective and celebrate that I have instead overcome it several times and come out stronger.

Sticking to my values

I have made a great load of mistakes in my life, but I am proud to say that I have always sticked to my core values. In general, I have never been someone who takes the easy road. I can think of hundreds of times when I have definitely not chose convenient over fair. While it’s mostly felt natural – even though hardly easy – I know now it’s something few people are capable of doing. Standing up for what’s right always requires courage and I am proud I have had it in small and big decisions until now.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Featured image by SnapwireSnaps from Pixaba.

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Society wires women to have a negative relationship with their body. Since girlhood we dwell in shame. Our body becomes the target of unwanted attentions as soon as we enter puberty and society’s expectation is that it’s our sole responsibility to preserve or defend it. We are taught that our period is something disgusting that should be hidden, a curse; even tampons commercials use the message of setting us free from our cycle. We are expected to look perfect according to standards we didn’t establish, no matter the cost for our well-being: from high heels to make up, from anti-ageing products to even surgery.

In other words, we are taught our body isn’t ours to enjoy. We are taught our body is meant to serve and please others regardless of what we want. We are taught that it is a liability and our vulnerability.

Personally, all this baggage piled up over the years contributed to my intolerance towards my body and its natural functions. My body was never enough – enough slim, enough curvy, enough beautiful, enough sexy – until it suddenly was too much – too exposed, too provocative. How could I feel good inside my skin? Then my children came and they needed it. They used it and frankly, they were the only ones who had a good reason and a right to do so. But I was done. I desperately wanted to own and be in control of my body for once in my life. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty. But I have now learned that big changes always come with a storm. I can see now how motherhood – in both the shapes I have been blessed with – gave me a chance to regain control of my body for the first time.

The first sign of this transformation came when I realised I didn’t need to obsessively remove my body hair. Mind you, I was extremely self-conscious about that. If I would spot one single hair on my leg, I would choose not to wear a skirt or go to the pool. The new life situation when my daughter was born sent this madness to the bottom of the priority list. I spent the first months of her life struggling to fulfil my basic needs, definitely not at the top of my looks, and something had to give. But hey… I didn’t die! My husband didn’t find me any less attractive! And would I really skip the baby swim class because I hadn’t had the time to wax? No way. New set of priorities, first step towards body liberation.

Another speck of enlightenment came in my sexual life, another chapter that postpartum had rocked not for the better. It took me years, but at some point I decided that I had a right to my own pleasure. I deserved it. My body had gone through a lot and deserved to be treated right. My pleasure in intimacy started climbing to the top of the priority list. Not that my partner had denied me anything, it was truly my fault: I didn’t have the courage to ask. For the first time I caressed the idea, what if my pleasure becomes the rule and not the exception?

Slowly, step by step, I realised how powerful my body is. It created, grew, and carried a human being. It healed afterwards. It fed a baby. It is a source of comfort for my children, capable of soothing their deepest fears and even their physical pain. Indeed, my body is also made for serving others, but not in the way the world had led me to believe. Not as a sexual object, but as a force of creation and a source of love. Shifting into this perspective motivated me to take better care of myself. I started listening carefully, I am learning to understand my body’s language. I try to keep it healthy and strong. I have learned to respect it. Finally, I have claimed my body back.

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Dear Marco and Giuseppe,
I write you this letter because I need to tell you how important you are in my son’s and my family’s lives.
Sometime one has to sit, face a piece of paper, and let words flow. Writing a letter demands time and time allows to overcome trivialities, dig deeper, and leave behind a genuine but shallow “Thank you”. In this short piece I want to thank you as best as I can. You deserve the same attention and dedication you reserve for my sweet and complex child.
For over two years you have been part of my son’s life and you transformed it, made it better and less difficult. It was not easy to approach his issues, not to give in to mistrust, it was not easy to face his negative reputation and the intolerance surrounding him. My son and school, a neverending fight he always lost, ending with labels and disappointment. The difficult child, the violent one, disruptive, impossible to manage. You went beyond the labels to take care of the “character”, the child. That’s what this is all about, meeting the struggles and the issues of a child.
A child who lived for over five years without the love of a family, who had to take care of himself without really knowing how, who was deprived of most things every child should be entitled to. A father, a mother, a sister, a family, a future.
How could one ignore all that pain? How could one not understand it?
That restless, distraught child who cannot sit still in class, who does not learn, who lives in his own explosive dimension.
The different child, the dangerous child, a threat for school dynamics. No one dare break that toy! No one dare demand anything from the school system!
When we speak of “inclusive education”, in truth we find empty solace. The school system is not always capable of including everyone, of helping children who struggle and end up left behind. The celebrated “guidelines” [for inclusive education, ed.] and all the projects become empty policies on paper with no dimension or opportunities for development. Projects are stuck in fail, ignorance, lack of resources, incompetence or, worse, they are ill-managed. And so the difficult child gets eaten by the same system that should protect him. He slowly turns into an enemy of the system and feels like one.
As it often happens to adopted children, my son too had to endure exclusion to the point of being forced to leave his school. Too troubled to allow other children to grow and get their education. Too complex to be “solved” by teachers. He had to escape to stop feeling like a victim and like the problem at the same time. The only bull in a shop full of “china children”.
No one saw that the most fragile of all was that bull.
Years have gone by, we faced challenges before meeting you. When everything seemed lost, you appeared. The thin one and… the less thin. Men, teachers, professional, and wonderful people. Right away you have resolved to value the beautiful before facing the ugly. The ugly wasn’t hard to find.
You have decided to pick up the pieces and build back. You haven’t done it alone, you asked for his help. With the patience and the tenacity of those who know other people’s pain and commit to carry some.
You got him involved, you showed him that even the tiny pieces that have fallen far away can be found and recovered. That nothing is truly lost. You have learned to never give up and taught him the same. One step onwards and sometime two steps backwards. Sometime one backwards and three onwards. Without stopping. Like a complex and beautiful dance, a dance that goes on to the day. Every day, surrounded by the walls of a classroom that felt hostile at first, you have build a relationship based on support and protection, on trust and perspective. You have built his future.
You have achieved what Pennac describes at the end of one of his books. You have picked up that swallow that kept hitting the window glass and you have helped it fly away.
You never gave in to the comfortable evidence, you chose to believe and support its flight.
Because that child is not a bull and even if he was, he would have big wings. And you know it… you have always known.
Thank you.
Fabio.

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Is my vulnerability as a foreigner cutting opportunities for my children?

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The event was praised by all participants. I myself went back home with an excellent toolbox and renewed hope. Not too long ago I had an epiphany that my role as a parent when my children are overwhelmed is to help them express their feelings in a safe and contained way. Please don’t imagine me as Gandhi while my child is in the middle of a tantrum, I am not. Screams and defiance are terribly triggering for me, but defining my role allowed me to feel way more in control of the whole situation. However, I was quite at loss about what I could do concretely to help my children. Here’s what I personally brought home.

What is anger, really

Anger is a secondary emotion. The “Anger iceberg” visually shows some of the primary emotions hiding behind anger. Primary emotions are painful and make us feel vulnerable. Our innate instinct to run away from them make us shift to anger instead. This is common to all human beings, not just children. For example, someone who feels sexually rejected from their spouse may react by getting mad or becoming resentful instead. The key idea here is to try and understand what is the underlying emotion the child is not capable of showing. This may vary time to time and it’s closely connected to triggers, which I discuss later. For example: if your child shows anger – through defiance or tantrums – when you pick her from daycare, it may be that seeing you was a reminder of how she missed you during the day and how vulnerable she felt. In this field, my advice is to trust your guts. In the end, parents are always the best experts on their children. When you have a good idea of what the real issue is, you can react more appropriately. Sending a child who feels rejected to a time-out is the worst thing to do (I talk from experience!). You may wanna comfort and reassure, instead. With my children, it truly helps if I try to voice the emotion for them: “Maybe you felt rejected because I was paying little attention to you when I listened to your sister telling me about her day. I’m sorry you feel like that. I love you also when I’m not looking at you”. Imagine how frustrating must be to lack a way to properly express yourself, like when you try to speak a language you are not fluent in.

Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is just a red flag. How we express anger is the real point we are trying to fix. We need to teach our child how to express anger in a healthy and constructive way. Another point Angela made was about anger management VS therapy. My understanding is that while anger management may act as a quick fix to defuse the emotion, therapy is the only long-term working strategy. In the context of parenting, I interpreted this as having to teach or help the child to dominate the emotion in the spur of the moment, but also applying long-term strategies to allow the child to identify, cope with, and express their primary emotions and what they are rooted in. Just focusing on dealing with tantrums won’t solve the root cause. The main goal should not be to manage the single anger episode, but to help the child grow and learn how to self-regulate over time.

Identify the child’s triggers

What pushes your child’s buttons? What is that something that sets off the primary emotion and, consequently, the angry reaction? Common triggers in children can be tiredness, hunger. In adopted children they could connect to feelings, emotions, events in their past. I remember once reading about an adopted child who would throw a tantrum before every car ride, until their parents understood he associated car rides to the multiple home moves he had to endure. Every time they would board him on a car, he was terrified he was being moved to a new family. Knowing your child’s triggers can help you to prevent anger, as well as react at best. For example if your child is clearly exhausted and struggles to finish eating lunch, it may be wiser to break off the meal and put her to nap earlier. Or, in the example of the child angry when picked up from daycare, if she is hungry it may be wise to keep some snacks in the car. If the child is old enough, the parent can brainstorm and identify triggers together with her. Even if kids are small, it’s empowering to try and voice their triggers when they have calmed down: “Maybe you got mad because you were hungry“. We need to teach kids to become self-aware. A practical tool here is to print the identified triggers in a worksheet like this. With some creativity and cliparts, you can make up something more appealing yourself, the point being having the list accessible or visible somewhere.

Help the child to learn how anger feels

Anger can set in slowly or quickly. In any case, there are always announcing signs. For example my son starts changing his mind 30 times in 2 seconds and goes “yes-no-yes-no-” on everything. It’s useful for a parent to learn what the signs are, but in the long run the child should become self-aware. The body usually shows early signs of anger and we can help our children to identify those. For example ears may feel hot, or fingers may start tapping. At the risk of annoying you, remember with small children you can be the first to voice these signs: “When you get mad, your eyebrows go down like this and you start stomping your feet”. These remarks should be made when the child is calm, because she won’t be receptive during an episode. It can be useful to fill up a sheet like this one on the fridge and regularly go over it with the child. In my opinion, talking about the anger episodes during quiet moments is also a healthy way to normalise them.

Teach your child to express emotions verbally

A healthy long-term strategy is to teach your child to express their emotions verbally. Here Angela showed something that was nothing short of a revelation for me: the wheel of emotions.

She explained how children live mostly in the inner circle but growing up they should start to see the different shades of feelings, and move more and more outwards. How can you enrich your child’s emotional vocabulary? Some practical ideas:

• lead by example: voice your own emotions. I do it all the time. “Argh, I feel so frustrated this dress doesn’t fit me anymore” “I’m so excited we are going on a trip tomorrow” and so on. Children are always listening and observing their parents even when they don’t look like they are (no pressure);
• read books together: nowadays there’s an incredible selection of children’s books on feelings and emotions. I put a list together, but there’s plenty more available, in several languages;
• try and voice your child’s emotions: “I wonder if you feel tired” “Are you curious to see what’s inside this gift box?”;
• play games: for instance, mirroring each other face announcing a feeling (“Let’s make a sad face” “Now a happy face”). Once I made a deck of emotion cards and regularly had my kids guess what emotion the drawing on the card represented (ashamed, worried, surprised, …);
• create an emotion chart: Angela provided us with several examples of emotion charts. You can make your own and help the child express through figures how they feel (not during the anger episode, but maybe afterwards when she is calm). Charts can be used to identify what feeling one feels as well as how intensive it is. A similar useful concept is the anger thermometer. The chart should be age appropriate and can be created together with the child. Put it somewhere accessible.

Most importantly, you parent have to embrace the idea that feelings are a normal part of being human. Never punish a child for expressing her feelings. Just teach her the best way how.

Teach the child how she can feel better

As someone who who worked hard to pinpoint what made her really feel good only in her thirties, I cannot stress enough how enriching this learning can be for children. This is a crucial building block for self- regulation and control. The parent can guide the child to identify what helps her to defuse feelings, calm down, feel good. There’s such an empowering teaching in this approach: you may not be able to control what hurts you, but you can control how you take care of yourself. A “feeling-good kit” or “calm-down kit” can take several forms: it can be a physical box with soothing and/or sensory objects. The child doesn’t have to necessarily calm down by herself, the key is for her to learn in time to stay in control and go fetch the box; the kit can be a list of activities, like “counting to 10” or “go for a walk” or “ask for a hug from mom”. You can print a colourful list and have it accessible and teach the kid to redirect to it when necessary.

Behavior contracts

Another parenting tool presented was behavior contracts. Those are joint resolutions that a parent and a child agree on. Thinking of my own experience, I have some concerns on this approach. If you go down this road with an adopted child, you have to be alert on shame. The contract has to be a constructive and positive intervention step, not a routine opportunity to underline how the child has failed. Again, the cornerstones are helping and empowering the child.

Most importantly, regulate yourself

One key teaching was that parents have foremost to regulate themselves and be in control of their own emotions. Parents, willing or not, lead by example. If you don’t practice what you preach, your teachings are worth nothing. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, no one is. If you didn’t learn to self-regulate during your own childhood, you’ll start now. It’s never too late. If you slip away from your teachings, just apologise to the child. There’s much to learn by witnessing how parents face their own mistakes.

All the tools presented here can be applied to yourself as well! I myself made a “feel-good” list and hanged it in my bedroom. My husband and I once drew a representation of the negativity cycle we’d go when fighting and now it’s hanging on our bedroom closet. It really helps to have this sort of things written down and accessible. It’s the same principle of goal journals or to-do list: we tend to slip into our usual dynamics, good or bad. You can even make your own parenting behavior contract with yourself! In time, you will realise that you and your child are in this learning journey together.

Disclaimer: this post is not a replacement for the training, nor it is a faithful reporting. These are my own key learnings which I tried to convey as faithfully to the original source as possible.

The post Anger Regulation Tools For Parents appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

1. Create a Relaxing Routine

Routines are king in the land of parenting. Children, especially young children, need routines in order to feel secure and understand what to expect. Bedtime routines also teach them when to be sleepy. Consistently doing certain things before bedtime like taking a bath, then reading a story, can help your child recognize that the time to sleep has come again. Bedtime routines will differ with each child so it’s important to play around and see what works best for your family.

2. Consistent Bedtimes

If you have multi-aged children, it will be difficult for everyone to go to bed at the same time, however, each individual should at least be going to bed at the same time every night. And, depending on their age, children should be receiving a certain number of hours of sleep per night for optimum health.

3. Flow in One Direction

The energy that surrounds bedtime should be relaxing and calm. Try your best to flow in one direction during bedtime. Don’t have bath time downstairs, for example, only to detour to the basement before heading back upstairs to read a story. Limit detours by making sure everything you’ll need for bedtime is readily accessible. Grab the glass of water you know your child will ask for before the actual routine begins, in other words, to avoid too much excitement right before bed.

4. Design a Sleep Paradise

Create an environment that is sleep-friendly by removing any clothing and clutter that is thrown on the floor. This is also a nice opportunity for your child to help you in creating a sleep paradise that they will be sleeping in, so let them help (if they’re old enough) by sticking glow in the dark stars on the walls or going to the store to help pick out their new mattress.

5. Give Notice

Ever been in a preschool room and hear the teacher give children a “10-minute warning”? Giving children notice of when the bedtime routine is going to begin gives them time to finish what it is they were doing and allows them to prepare for what’s next.

Are you ready to create a great bedtime routine for your family? Keep the above tips in mind and give it a shot! It might take awhile to perfect, but the benefits are worth the effort.

Lisa is a freelance writer from North Carolina who works regularly with Mattress Advisor writing reviews. Although she writes about sleep most of the time, there is nothing more she loves than spending time with her kids and using her experience as a sleep expert and parent sharing her tips with all the other sleep deprived parents out in the world!

The post 5 Tips for Making Bedtime Less Exhausting | Guest Post by Lisa Smalls appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Having being raised with the “Hand of Saruman” constantly printed on my bottom, I used to believe spanking children is a natural part of the parenting experience. Like in a reward system, if you do something nasty you get spanked as a consequence. Same as grounding. I had my first child in Finland, where corporal punishment is illegal. Like, social-services-coming-to-your-house illegal. While at first glance it felt like an overkill, it forced me to reflect on spanking, whether it’s a right or even effective education method.

The child’s feelings

I have a clear childhood memory of how humiliating being spanked felt. Being hit reminded me of how vulnerable and defenceless I was as a little child. When my mother would cry “This is the end of discussion”, I felt disappointed and angry, but when she hit me I felt humiliated. When I was forced to reflect on the matter, I decided I didn’t want my children to feel like that at my own hand.
As an adult, I am aware of how being spanked negatively affected my relationship with my parents. It alimented an anger in me I still deal with as an adult.

Lead by example

We spend years teaching our kids they should not hit their siblings or friends… and then we do it? Seriously, think about it. Why should a parent be above the law? When you spank a child, you are teaching her the following: physical strength is what determines who wins an argument; there are some (unclear) conditions under which violence is okay; you are weak and I am strong.

I often say how children are our chance to live a second chance. It’s a painful process to face your own flaws, weaknesses, even fears, to become the best version of yourself. When you have the responsibility of raising another human being, you need to lead by example. Children are master mimics: they learn language by listening to their parents speaking, they learn empathy by tirelessly interacting with them, and they learn behaviour by imitating how their parents face the world. I know, it sucks! I mean, you are finally an adult and could virtually live a life of unhealthy snacks and freedom, and instead… you are forced to become responsible. I don’t remember signing to these terms.

It does not serve anyone

There are two reasons why parents spank: as a consequence or out of mere anger. It’s not effective in either case. The child may comply out of fear, not respect of the parental authority. Let me comment as someone who was raised with this method, it will not reinforce the relationship with your child. Shaming creates silent anger, which will come out in some unpleasant form as soon as the child feels safe enough to manifest it (for instance in teenage years when they are physically stronger or more independent). Does it help your own anger? Not really. It gives a trembling sense of control, but likely comes with an extra dosage of shame for having attacked someone more vulnerable. Frustration is your daily bread as a parent, but you need to find healthier ways to deal with it.

How to break the cycle

I sometime hear “My parents spanked me and I grew up fine”. “We always did it this way” is never a sound argument, but more of a tactic to avoid discussion altogether. However you decide to raise your kids, I think it’s worth stopping for a second and reflect on your motivations and goals. Start from why would you spank your child. Would it fit well in the values you are teaching her? Is it effective?
If you have been raised with this method or are using it, and want to break the cycle, be compassionate towards yourself. People tend to automatically go into the same parenting mode as they were raised. Especially if you had decent or good parents overall, it may be hard at unconscious level to criticise their methods (even more if they are physically close and asking why you are such a weak parent that you never spank your child). Remind yourself your parenting experience has nothing to do with your childhood one. You and only you choose the parent you want to be. If you slip into the habit, make sure to apologise to your children: we are not teaching them to be perfect, we are teaching them to be good human beings.

I would love to hear your comments on this one. Is spanking acceptable where you live? Do you feel comfortable with it? What tools do you use to teach consequences to children?

(be civil in your comment, we are here to discuss, not judge)

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