Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

The post Bored Child, Sane Parent appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Society wires women to have a negative relationship with their body. Since girlhood we dwell in shame. Our body becomes the target of unwanted attentions as soon as we enter puberty and society’s expectation is that it’s our sole responsibility to preserve or defend it. We are taught that our period is something disgusting that should be hidden, a curse; even tampons commercials use the message of setting us free from our cycle. We are expected to look perfect according to standards we didn’t establish, no matter the cost for our well-being: from high heels to make up, from anti-ageing products to even surgery.

In other words, we are taught our body isn’t ours to enjoy. We are taught our body is meant to serve and please others regardless of what we want. We are taught that it is a liability and our vulnerability.

Personally, all this baggage piled up over the years contributed to my intolerance towards my body and its natural functions. My body was never enough – enough slim, enough curvy, enough beautiful, enough sexy – until it suddenly was too much – too exposed, too provocative. How could I feel good inside my skin? Then my children came and they needed it. They used it and frankly, they were the only ones who had a good reason and a right to do so. But I was done. I desperately wanted to own and be in control of my body for once in my life. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty. But I have now learned that big changes always come with a storm. I can see now how motherhood – in both the shapes I have been blessed with – gave me a chance to regain control of my body for the first time.

The first sign of this transformation came when I realised I didn’t need to obsessively remove my body hair. Mind you, I was extremely self-conscious about that. If I would spot one single hair on my leg, I would choose not to wear a skirt or go to the pool. The new life situation when my daughter was born sent this madness to the bottom of the priority list. I spent the first months of her life struggling to fulfil my basic needs, definitely not at the top of my looks, and something had to give. But hey… I didn’t die! My husband didn’t find me any less attractive! And would I really skip the baby swim class because I hadn’t had the time to wax? No way. New set of priorities, first step towards body liberation.

Another speck of enlightenment came in my sexual life, another chapter that postpartum had rocked not for the better. It took me years, but at some point I decided that I had a right to my own pleasure. I deserved it. My body had gone through a lot and deserved to be treated right. My pleasure in intimacy started climbing to the top of the priority list. Not that my partner had denied me anything, it was truly my fault: I didn’t have the courage to ask. For the first time I caressed the idea, what if my pleasure becomes the rule and not the exception?

Slowly, step by step, I realised how powerful my body is. It created, grew, and carried a human being. It healed afterwards. It fed a baby. It is a source of comfort for my children, capable of soothing their deepest fears and even their physical pain. Indeed, my body is also made for serving others, but not in the way the world had led me to believe. Not as a sexual object, but as a force of creation and a source of love. Shifting into this perspective motivated me to take better care of myself. I started listening carefully, I am learning to understand my body’s language. I try to keep it healthy and strong. I have learned to respect it. Finally, I have claimed my body back.

The post Claiming My Body Back appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Let’s start with my motives. The main one is sustainability. Mass meat production is responsible for plenty of environmental disasters: greenhouse gas emissions, destruction of land through grazing, excessive water consumption, the list goes on.

In 2017, over 15 thousands scientists worldwide signed the “Warning to Humanity“, which included a plead to reduce meat consumption.
The second motive was personal health. I wanted to reduce red meat especially and, in general, monitor and control how much meat I was eating. In addition, I wanted to trick myself into introducing new regular ingredients into my diet, as well as forcing my hand into eating more greens. The third reason was linked to the first two and it was to transition to quality over quantity. One current issue that worries me a lot is superbacteria:

By cutting my meat intake, I will have the same buying budget to spend on less, thus being able to make more conscious consumer choices. I can choose organic meat or meat produced under certain standards.

Now, what concretely helped me in changing my habits? I have to thank my health coach Stefania for the support (read her story here). First, she encouraged me to cut my meat intake to only 4 times a week. It may seem like a lot, but I quickly realised how far from my goal I was starting. I would eat processed meat in snacks or sandwiches; out of gluttony I would choose the meat option at the work cafeteria more often than not; meat would sneak in pasta sauces unnoticed. As soon as I introduced that upper bound, I realised how bad I was doing. After few successful weeks, Stefania reduced it to 3 times a week. However, at the point I had made the bigger step already. I had developed an eye for it and learned new recipes (the app Yummly saved me, seriously). Nowadays, I still have my limit of 3, yet I often end the week without reaching it.
Here’s some small tricks that helped me:

• I made sure my husband supported me from the start – the man never blinked when I served unfamiliar dishes and approached them with an open mind;
• I recorded my meat intake through the app Tally to make sure I was sticking to my goal;
• I took on to choose the vegetarian option whenever I ate out;
• I sticked to learn at least 2 new vegetarian recipes every week – some were enjoyed and became regular;
• I tried to add extra veggies and fruit whenever possible – for example nowadays I regularly top my risotto and my pizza with rucola;
• one of my worries was proteins – I included more legumes and I mixed some natural supplements (maca powder, flax seeds, …) into my dishes.

Now the million dollar question: do I feel differently? You know I am very skeptic of diets and I didn’t spare you my honest opinion in the past. However, I have experienced an interesting shift in well-being in the past weeks. It’s hard to attribute 100% of credit to the diet, but honestly it is the only major lifestyle change I have made beside going on short walks regularly. The first 2 weeks I was bloating with gas – sorry for the detail – but after that I started feeling lighter and definitely more energetic. My work stress usually gets to my belly, yet it never did since I changed my diet. I am not claiming you would experience the exact same, just observing a pleasant unexpected side effect I had.

I am very proud I have achieved at changing this habit and I feel rewarded by the positive effects. It didn’t happen in a day, but overall it was easier that I thought. I hope my modest experience will inspire others to make a similar transition. If I have succeeded, everyone can!

The post Going (Almost) Vegetarian | How I Slashed My Meat Intake appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

An inspiring read: Becoming

Are you looking for the next book to read? Look no more. I was completely blown away by the celebrate Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming. Michelle shares about her family, her intense life before meeting Barack, and their long journey before they even entered the White House. Living under the spotlight for 8 years wasn’t easy. Her memoir is raw, honest, and even though she went through an incomparable experience, most women will relate. Because underneath it all, there’s a woman who fought all her life to be true to herself, find a balance among career, self-realisation, motherhood, and supporting her husband in a demanding career. You’ll love it. I recommend to buy the audiobook on Audible, narrated by Michelle herself. It’s so powerful to hear her story through her spoken words.

Learning new recipes with Yummly

I have recently discovered this fantastic recipe app and it has changed my life. This may sound dramatic, but hear me out. I am used to make a weekly menu every weekend. We are quite picky and don’t want to eat the same dishes over and over. I also appreciate learning new things and trying new flavours. On top of that, I have recently cut my meat intake and this has forced me to expand my vegetarian recipe collection. I have struggled with finding reliable recipe websites. Yummly is super convenient: you can filter recipes with many criteria – special diets, allergies, cooking time, ingredients to avoid, variety of ingredients, and so on. It’s very easy to save recipes to personal collections and dishes are realistic and tested (and reviewed by users!). I have found great new ideas we have tried, tested, and loved! Give it a try, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

A YouTube channel you need to subscribe to

Chris Ulmer was a special need teacher who, quite by chance, became a paladin for diversity and acceptance. His YouTube channel, Special Books by Special Kids (SBSK) now counts 1.5M subscribers. Chris tours the world to interview people of all ages who are living with different kinds of conditions. He gives them a platform to share how they live, love, and more. The channel also became a community, full of engaged supporters who connect with the interviewees to express solidarity and also politely ask questions about the different lifestyles and challenges. I have learned so much from Chris’ videos and I am sure you’ll love them as well.

A sweet animation series on Prime

This original Prime Video series for children is just so cute! Both my kids love it. Personally, I especially appreciate it comes dubbed in a bazillion languages, so it’s multicultural-family-friendly. It’s a story of friendship, positivity, and facing obstacles with imaginative solutions. In some ways, it reminds me of Curious George. I’m always on the lookout for stimulating content when it comes to screen time, and this is a good catch!

An introduction to minimalism

Don’t worry, I’m not here to convert you to minimalism. It’s not for everyone (definitely not for me). However, few months ago my family underwent an interesting change after watching this documentary on Netflix. I had been attracted to the idea of cutting on the amount of stuff we owned for a long time, but struggled to make consistent change. Watching that film together with my husband triggered a real conversation and we took it on to make some adjustments. In few weeks, we cleared the house of several boxes of pure junk. We made space where we didn’t think it was possible. If you are fascinated by doing something like that, the documentary Minimalism can be an easy start to learn more about how you can set your mind to act on it.

I hope you will enjoy these little pearls I have collected for you. If you find any of these useful or enjoyable, don’t forget to let me know. I love to hear your feedback. Have a great and sunny July!

The post My June 2019 Favorites appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Next question was, how to implement gratitude in daily life? Believers have the powerful tool of prayer, but my husband and I do not follow any religion. One day, I came across this inspiring Ted Talk by author AJ Jacobs:

In particular, it strikes me when he says:

The power of our actions to change our mind is astounding. So, often we think that thought changes behaviour, but behaviour very often changes our thought.

AJ Jacobs, author and Ted Talk speaker.

We decided to give it a try. We introduced our children to a daily ritual: at every meal, we would thank each other for something or express gratitude for something we have in our lives. To my surprise, the kids welcomed the new habit with great enthusiasm, so much that in the first days they were reminding us to practice it.

A round typically goes like this:

Me: Thank you R for helping your brother to take off his jacket when we got in, thank you E for listening right away when I told you to go wash your hands. Thank you daddy for letting me sleep in this morning. I’m thankful we have a great library nearby where we can borrow so many children’s books in Italian.
R: Thank you E for being my little brother. Thank you mommy for cooking dinner, thank you daddy for going to work every day to bring home the money (yes she said that, LOL).
…

E, who is now 3 years old, didn’t understand how to thank right away. He would often say things like “Thank you R for sleeping last night”. However, children are incredibly perceptive. It took him a week of listening to our thanks and he picked up what gratitude really meant. He later came up with surprising observations that showed how much kids notice even though we believe they don’t. I believe this exercise is helping all of us notice positive actions and events in our daily life.

Our 11 year old goddaughter visited after we had established the new tradition. We explained how it worked and told we didn’t expect her to take part. She was into it big time. She was feeling down, but voicing the good things out loud forced a smile out of her.

It’s crazy how positive habits can vastly impact your day and mind. We always find something to be grateful to each other. I am so proud we are teaching our children to see all the gifts we have and how we appreciate everyone in the family. My husband and I are learning along the way with them. We were inspired by our role as parents to find creative ways to teach them gratitude. Children really offer parents a second chance at living. I’m grateful for that.

The post A Daily Ritual Of Gratitude appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Light a candle

I never understood scented candles… until I tried good quality ones. As a busy mom, I learned to find joy in small things. Breathing in a pleasant smell puts me in a better mood. I love the ritual of lighting the candle and reminding myself I can take few seconds to make my day better. I have discovered the series WoodWick. They are exceptionally good candles: my medium-sized grapefruit candle lasted around 40 hours and the whole floor was filled with its scent. What makes them unique is their wooden wick that crackles like a fireplace. I bought mine on Amazon, but you can find it in Stockmann as well.

Wash your face

Now that you set the mood with a burning scented candle, indulge in washing the stressful day away off your face. I am nothing close to a beauty expert: I am never willing to spend much on cosmetics and I am always looking for the sweet spot in terms of quality/price ratio. I have now tried the Gisèle Denis cleaning gel and toner for three months and I am very impressed with them. What stroke me right away was the pleasant smell they leave on your skin. They do not leave my skin dry (an issue I had with other products!) and washing my face with them once or twice, I noticed a small improvement in my skin’s health and texture. You can find the Gisèle Denis line K-city markets or on Amazon.

Nourish your skin

An occasional treat for me is putting up a nourishing face mask. Recently, I discovered the Korean line by It’s Skin sold in K City Market (buy online). I love these masks’ smells and they do leave my skin visibly moisturised. Plus, their price is very reasonable!

Watch the adventures of a mom who gets it

While you wait for your face mask to soak into your skin, why not watch a cool TV series? Last fall Netflix aired the funny and real Australian show The Letdown, starring a woman who struggles to embrace motherhood. Her new mom friends have different family situations, approaches, personalities, difficulties. They find a way to stop comparisons and support each other. This show is the real deal! It doesn’t hold back on the frustrations or shocks of parenting. I really loved it and you will too!

Now metaphorically wash your face

Now that you are all pampered, why not start a new book? International bestseller Girl, wash your face by Rachel Hollis is an excellent choice. Rachel picks the false truths women are brought to believe and she dismantles them one by one. If you are a pro at self-demeaning thoughts like I am, you need this read. It’s an honest conversation, a reminder you are not alone in your struggles and how you should be compassionate towards yourself.

I hope you liked my suggestions to take care of yourself. What are your go-to things to cultivate joy and well-being in daily life? Leave me a comment here below.

The post February’s Favorites: Spoil Yourself appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I want to share my experience, to reach out to other moms struggling as well as fathers who may have a hard time understanding what the fuss is about.

It all starts with the pregnancy

I remember how excited I was to see that test coming out positive: I was pregnant! While I consider being able to carry a child a privilege and I appreciate some aspects of it, there’s a harsher reality that hits a woman right away: you are responsible for growing a human being. Straight away you are required to change your diet and give up unhealthy habits (which usually coincide with the pleasant ones). If the pregnancy has complications, you may be required to stay in bed and take time off work. Hormones make you all crazed up, like you are not in charge anymore. Your body transforms, you struggle to sleep, walking around or being independent is harder and harder. This lasts almost a year! On some days, your body feels more like a vessel than something that is part of you.

Postpartum joys (sarcasm)

A topic which is not discussed enough is the consequences of pregnancy on your body. After I gave birth, my body felt like a battlefield (not only down there!). A woman’s body changes permanently during the pregnancy and birth. You are sore for days or weeks. I recall how frustrated I felt when I had to throw away almost all my clothes, since nothing fit my hips and chest anymore. Like that part of my life was over forever. I lost vision consistently, my feet grew one size (bye, old shoes), I gained ten kilos I recently accepted will stay. All of sudden, I replaced feeling attractive and confident, with repulsive and disgusting. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, my flaccid postpartum belly hanging out, thinking “that is not me!”. It was a dissociating experience.

Breastfeeding

My attempt to exclusively breastfeed fueled PND big time for me (I’ve written about my struggles here). I did not have a great supply and one session took 40 to 60 minutes for me, during which I was just supposed to sit and wait. Repeat for 10 times a day. Since I was unable to pump, that also meant I had to prevent any personal life from happening for almost a year, since I could not leave the baby for more than an hour. How I hated being a woman, back then! Breastfeeding is knowingly demanding. It’s not just the fact you need to be available at all times: it takes time, it can be painful, and leaves your breasts like hanging empty sacks. Again, I did not feel in charge of my body. It was dehumanising to see it from that perspective.

Goodbye, personal space

Mommy is the source of comfort. It’s not for lack of attempts, dear dads! My husband spent most time at home with our kids, yet I hold the title of Head of Comfort. That’s just biology and we will never have equality there. Turns out, babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding personal spaces (shocker!). It can be truly challenging to get a break from them if you are not intentional and you fall prey of the guilt. As a first time mother, I could not cope with leaving my baby screaming in the hands of her father to get a well-deserved break. Now that I know the danger is potentially reenacting the movie Shining, I face things differently, but at the time it was hard to believe I deserved five minutes off. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this. It has much to do with the image of mother we have engraved in our minds, but I bet even the Virgin Mary has muttered murder when Jesus asked for the fifth glass of water past bedtime.
Being a mother naturally means having an audience while on the toilet, having your name screamed sixty to a hundred times a day, being used a climbing tool, having to cook dinner holding a baby who has much interest in your eyes and hair.

To summarise, motherhood felt like my body was a baby oven left irrecoverably damaged before turning into a food and comfort machine, while I was left to witness without a say in it.

And then there was him

Somehow couple life and dynamics have to fit in all this. Unfortunately I (we) did not nail this aspect and it took a long time for us to find a new healthy balance. Especially during the baby phase, in which a baby’s and her mom’s days almost overlap, I had a hard time having a slack left for my husband. I didn’t want to be touched! I had another human all over me for most of my day, I did not care for another. My husband complained I used to care for him and now I was gone. I wanted to murder him when he said that. All the issues described above made me feel like I had disappeared. Caring for another demanding and helpless human being was not giving me any space to find me again… and it felt selfish that he would ask for me to give even more when I had nothing left.

What I have learned

Now I know that out of inexperience and loneliness, I made so many mistakes which made my situation harder to bear. I have learned so much from those difficult years:

• self-care is not self-indulgence. Everyone deserves to be kind to themselves and fill their lives with joyful things. This includes cutting some space for you and your partner.
• motherhood is not martyrdom. It’s okay to acknowledge that sensory overload is a trigger and to take breaks from it. You have a right to personal boundaries. It’s okay to say I don’t like this aspect of parenting. I now believe it’s a lesson for our children to show we are able to set healthy boundaries.
• my body is powerful. My body has changed drastically and rapidly, but that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful. Beauty has little to do with perfection. My body has proven to be powerful to grow a human being!
• my partner went some dramatic changes too. I wish I was able to have more empathy towards my husband. He was also hit hard by becoming a father. It must have felt so alone to feel he was losing his wife. If I could turn back time, I would try to voice my discomfort, ask for help, show him my vulnerability. We would have found a less painful way to be close and evolve as a couple.
• my motherhood experience is only mine. Comparing your experience to others’ can make you lonely. Trust yourself and do not try to conform to some unreachable ideal of mother. Be true to yourself, your values as well as your limitations. You are enough.

I am grateful I have learned from my experience. I am grateful my whole family gave me space and time to heal and learn, and never left my side or lost their trust in me. I am grateful I am loved and accepted.

I am now well-aware I’m not alone in this struggle and I hope this post will validate the discomfort, pain, and even trauma many moms go through. I also hope it will spare some of that suffering and help others shift their perspective and learn new ways to take care of themselves and fulfil their potential to be happy. You are enough!

The post My Body Does Not Belong To Me: Struggling With Overstimulation As A Mom appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Mystery Blogger Award is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.
– Okoto Enigma

RULES TO FOLLOW

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.
• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
• You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
• Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
• Share a link to your best post(s).

3 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF

1. Over 10 years ago I got a tattoo during a solo-trip to Dublin. I chose to print on my skin the word “free“. Freedom means being my true self, not trading my values in, and enjoying the full extent of what life has to offer. I’ve lived by that all my life and I plan to continue doing so.

2. While in high school, I once forgot to put my shoes on and went to school in my slippers! I have no idea how that is even possible, but whenever parents of teens complain about how inconsiderate they can be, that episode gives me perspective.

3. I have huge difficulties in remembering people’s faces. In general, my memories are rarely visual. My dreams are very blurry and I may have a recollection I visited a certain place, but have a hard time describing any detail. I rarely remember my kids’ friends’ faces (unless I see them often for a long period) or their parents’. I don’t even recognise my own neighbours! You know those important diplomats that have assistants who whisper in their ears the name of all the guests present at official events? That’s me and my husband on a daily basis. On top of that I’m very social and I meet plenty of people, so I’m the worst spot possible. If you know me and are reading this, please know this is the reason I don’t say hello when we run into each other!

MY QUESTIONS AND MY NOMINATIONS

You know me, so I’ll make it as weird and embarrassing as possible. Alright, alright, I’ll behave. I’ll even try and make it uplifting.

1. What is one thing that gives you true joy in your daily life?
2. What are the qualities a good friend should have?
3. Can you list one aspect of yourself you are truly proud of?
4. Could you share a positive memory from your childhood?
5. Who’s a person in your life that inspires you and why?

My nominations are:
Dad blogger and internet friend Yule Times
Thando from Modern Zulu Mom
Codie a veteran blogger who just had a baby (follow her for the cutest pics)
Aishwarya, mom blogger in India (loved her piece on paternity leave)
Funny mom of four Kathleen (her tweets brighten up my days)
Always-on-the-move mom blogger Ghada
Varpu from Her Finland
Fellow adoptive mama Nicole
Master home accountant Katy
Carl, another great dad blogger to follow

I cannot wait to read their answers and get to know new blog to follow. Big thanks to Amarjeet for nominating me, this was fun!

The post The Mystery Blogger Award appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

On the last day of 2018, my mind was flooded with anxiety that 2019 would be exactly the same, with the exception that I/we wouldn’t survive it. Rationally I know it’s plain BS, but you know how anxiety plays the fears in your head… Truth is, I have started training plenty of useful and good qualities last year and I am hopeful things will be better. One of them is patience, meaning the capability of waiting and trusting things will be alright. I am now aware how much I fear uncertainty and how my impulse is to hurry and take decisions, even when they are not the best. Having a crappy plan is way better than having no plan for me. Looking at the void in the future is unbearable for me. Well, was unbearable. I have been training my mind and my spirit for months to accept and welcome the uncertainty of life. Wax on, wax off.

To be fair, 2018 had a purpose and even some good times. Out of grit I’ve completed a 80 km bike race, which was way beyond my capabilities. We had a great family summer trip to UK and still treasure memories of it. I’ve kick-started support for international adopters in Finland, thus repurposing our personal hell. Last spring my colleagues voted for me to win a company award for my efforts and personal initiative. My husband found a great job after months of unemployment. The kids were healthy and E made huge progress in everything. Alright, 2018 was hard, but not all to waste.

How to live 2019 at my best? I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, embrace uncertainties but also set achievable and measurable goals. I set weekly goals, monthly goals, and I have two very defined yearly goals: keep up with meditating at least 80% of days and launching a local community for international adopters.

Concerning this blog, I set some targets. For a long time I wanted to migrate to a self-hosted solution and to polish the layout. As you can see, I’ve finally got ahold of it and have a brand new theme and, hopefully, more control on the whole website through plugins. It may also mean a lot of links are broken and I hope you will be patient while I fix them. I want to grow my social media reach in Finland and in the adoption community. Most of all, last year I came to define what this blog means to me. I am not planning to turn it into a business, this is and will be a creative hobby for myself. This blog has allowed me to develop new skills, meet interesting people and hear their stories, and also connect in real life with other parents and new friends. I got feedback of how my experiences have uplifted and supported strangers, and that’s the best outcome I can hope for! When I started writing, I was sure of two things: one, I needed a place to elaborate and articulate my own struggles and parenting experiences; two, I was aware of how other people’s stories had supported me and I wanted to give back my share, hopefully reach out to people who felt isolated and needed experiences to relate to. These are my main motivations for working on this blog and what will fuel me next year as well.

Let’s hope 2019 will be the year of recovery, health, and balance.

Goodbye 2018, you crumpled me a bit, but you served me well. Thank you, but now I need to leave you behind.

Dear 2019… bring it on!

The post New Year, New Blog’s Layout, New Goals appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

I’m so glad to welcome today a guest dad blogger from Canada, Matt from Dashing Dad. While reading his post I was alternating laughs with “awww“s. His learnings perfectly align with my own conclusions, even though it took way longer than a year for me to reach them. How powerful can mum guilt drag us back! It feels comforting and validating when a father comes to the same realisations as we mothers do, namely on the importance of self-care, on how not to lose focus on the parents’ relationship, as well as ways to keep our sanity while at home with the kids. But enough of my opinions, please enjoy Matt’s post and don’t forget to follow his family adventures on his blog and social media (Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest / Facebook).

***

My name is Matt, I am the host of Dashing Dad and have been a stay-at-home Dad for just over one year with my beautiful daughter in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I won’t lie to you, I think being a stay-at-home Dad is the greatest job in the world. There hasn’t been a day where I have thought to myself “Man I wish I was back at work,” or “boy I miss those long commutes in rush hour traffic.”

While I have read many instances of SAHD’s being judged or looked down upon for their decision, I have been fortunate that has not been my experience. I have both a loving and supportive wife as well as a supportive community. I realize I’m lucky and that these opportunities to spend time with my daughter are fleeting.

Going into being a Dad I had little idea of what to expect and what to do. While I’m far from perfect, I have learned a lot in my first year. Here’s some of the main things.

Activities are a sanity saver

Obviously, everyone’s personalities and parenting styles are different, but for me I need to be doing something. Sitting at home and doing nothing is difficult for me most days. Sure, the odd Sunday when it’s the middle of February and -40, it’s great to curl up at home and not leave the couch, but for the most part I need to be out and about. As far as the day-to-day life at home is concerned, this has meant planning my weeks out with activities to do each day. Since Clara still blesses me with long afternoon naps (I know how lucky I am and I’m soaking them in while they still last) most of the things I plan are in the morning. 

all of this helps me keep my sanity and helps the days pass much quicker. Speaking of time passing quickly…

Long days, short months – I get it

I was told frequently before having Clara how fast time would move. As I shifted into becoming a SAHD the expression long days, short months or long days, short years was thrown around quite a bit and boy do I get it.

When you’re in the day-to-day life of being home the days can DRAG by. Especially on weeks where either you or your child aren’t your best self(s). Clara has just turned two and a few weeks ago flipped a switch straight into terrible twos. By the end of the first week of dealing with it, I was done and needed a break. But as I sit back and reflect on it, that was now almost two months ago, and I can’t believe it’s already 2019. Before I know it, she’ll be heading to pre-school and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for that.

Patience is important but requires daily practice

When kids aren’t actively trying to kill themselves – which let’s be honest is pretty much 24-hours-a-day – they’re pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. It’s natural and it’s a part of growing up – but that doesn’t make it easy. As the days start to pile on top of one another, and you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again, your patience can wear thin. Or disappear completely.

For me learning to deal with that has meant recognizing when I’m at my wits end and taking a step back. Doing something selfishly for myself, whether it be sitting on the couch doing nothing during nap, going for a bike ride, or going out for drinks with friends, it’s important for me that I do those things so that my lack of patience doesn’t carry over into the next day.

Keeping our marriage strong takes work

As much as you may love being a stay-at-home parent, or as much as your partner may enjoy their job it’s vitally important to take time for your relationship. In the first year of being a stay-at-home dad, it took a few months before Dashing Mom and I had a clear feeling of what our new roles were in the family. That is still evolving, and we are doing a better job of checking in with each other to see how we’re doing. These little chats can feel like coming up for air from the underwater chaos that is everyday life.

Lots of people talk about putting their kids first, but in our family,  Clara comes second and our relationship comes first. Kids learn so much by watching the way their parents interact. It’s how they build a foundation of how relationships should look and what a marriage is.

Not taking care of your relationship can create children that are potentially dependent longer than they should be and that have a sense of entitlement. It can also create a toxic relationship with your spouse filled with resentment and hurt feelings.

For us, taking the time for each other can be as simple as having a long discussion about our days and the plans for the upcoming weeks. It can mean a date night, or a short overnight trip to the mountains. Sometimes it can even mean taking Clara to the park and chatting while she plays. But it does take a focused effort to make sure we do these things, otherwise before we know it months will have gone by and we won’t have had a meaningful talk about anything (see: long days, short months above).

I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s OK

Parenting has come with a shocking amount of learning. Sleep schedules, snacks, girls hairstyles, clothes (how many layers does a baby need to sleep in?!?!?!?) the learning is never ending and I constantly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

But that’s ok.

Part of being a parent, I’ve found, is learning on the go and learning to roll with the punches. Doing what works for our family and not feeling guilty about it. That also means not judging other families for what works for them. And when worse comes to worse, there’s always our good friend Google (I never thought I would Google “how to get poop out of _____” so often).

The only constant is change

At times it’s downright cruel that just as you get used to your child doing something they go and change it.

“Good news, Clara loves grapes so I went and bought a pound of them!”

*Clara refuses to eat grapes for the next month.*

*I eat a pound of grapes.*

It makes sense that kids are constantly changing, especially in their early years, but it can still be annoying. I’m learning I need to embrace the constant change and just try to roll with it.

It’s all so worth it

Given the choice again, I would pick staying home over and over. Clara and I have a strong bond (although I completely cease to exist once mom is home lol) and I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to get to watch her grow up and all of the random hugs I get for anything in the world. I look forward to more outdoor adventures, teaching Clara new things, doing silly dances and watching her grow. While I’ve learned a lot in my first year as a stay-at-home dad, I’m under no delusions that my learning is done and I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.

You can find Dashing Dad at his blog Dashingdad.ca as well as on:

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He is also a finalist in the Best of Calgary awards, for Top Blogger.

The post Daddy’s Got This #8 | What I’ve learned in a year as a stay-at-home dad appeared first on The Elephant Mum.