I receive a lot of questions about our experience of adopting our son after having a child through birth. There are several families that walk this path, and many are concerned about the unknown challenges lying ahead. Here’s the most common questions I hear and our experience.

How old was your daughter when you adopted?

We started the process when she had just turned 1 and we met our son in India when she was about to turn 4. You can read our adoption story here. By law, Finland demands that any adopted child is at least 1 year younger than the youngest child in the family (read more about the process in Finland here).

How did you prepare her?

We involved her in the process towards the end of the counseling phase – she was about 2 years old then. At first we introduced the idea of becoming a big sister. Our daughter was familiar with this concept as several of her friends had younger siblings. She was excited about the upgrade. Later we explained that her sibling would come in a different way. We had several (age appropriate) conversations on the topic and heavily relied on children’s books to prepare her.

How did she take the idea of having an adopted sibling?

Small children are extremely open minded. She accepted this new concept easily. The older she got, the more questions she had on the matter. We are open with her about the realities of adoption (including abandonment and hard feelings). At the same time, we are always mindful that this is her brother’s story and he should retain full control on it. In practice, this translates in letting him set the language as well as when we speak about it. Not all conversations are smooth and pleasant. On occasions, she has claimed to have more legitimacy (“I’m your real child, he isn’t”). When that happens, we have to sit down and openly discuss feelings and language.

Did they bond? Was it easy?

I don’t like fatalistic expressions like “it was meant to be” when it comes to adoption, but witnessing their spontaneous bond has left me in awe. They clicked right away. They have different personalities, talents, preferences, yet they’ve accepted and welcomed each other with open hearts from day one. At the same time, I believe parents have a huge role in fostering a relationship between siblings. Parents can fuel negative dynamics or build walls between children. Children need parents’ help to build a solid and affectionate relationship. We had a lucky start, but we work constantly on cultivating our children’s mutual love.

Have there been challenges?

Beside the baseline of classic siblings rivalry, we had some challenges in the first months. Our family dynamics had to quickly adapt to a newcomer demanding 500% of our attention. Our son was 1 when we he joined the family. He often struggled to express emotions and sometime resorted to hitting to do so (even out of mere excitement). Luckily, our daughter has been very forgiving of his behaviours and allowed us the time we needed to help him work on them.
All in all, things went much better than expected. We were concerned our daughter would suffer for the sudden divided attention but that hardly happened.

Do you love them the same?

Yes and no. Yes, I love them the same as much as love can be measurable. I love them as the unique people they are. I love them with deep maternal love, I want to protect them at any cost and I commit to raise them to the best of my abilities. At the same time, the love I have for my children grew and evolves in different ways.

What are the differences?

When my daughter was born, I felt that instinctive overwhelming love as soon as I had her in my arms. Things went differently with my son, who was cute as heck but also felt like a stranger for a long time to me. Building attachment was a painful challenge for us and it took years.
To this day, I feel the dynamics I have with my children are almost opposite. My daughter was a part of my body that detached and I have to slowly let her go away from here, fighting again my instinct to pull her back. I see myself in her, it’s like I’ve known her forever, and it’s painful to let go.
My son was a foreign body, a stranger I had to grow familiar and then attached toI recently shared how awkward building our physical connection was, how we had to shape the invisible space between our bodies. I have to pull him towards me and keep him close.

I waited a long time to write these words, as I feel there’s an expectation that that answer to the question is “sure, I love them exactly the same”. Especially for a mother, as we are expected to bond with our children instantaneously, no less than that. What helped me to come clean was reading stories of adoptees in reunion. They often describe the complex and diverse feelings they have for biological and adoptive relatives. If they can love their parents differently, why can’t we admit we love our children in different ways too? Are the two loves I described the same? They feel different to me. None is better, none is worse. They are different stories and I feel privileged for experiencing both.

Featured image by The Slow Photography.

If you liked this post, you may appreciate:
From Italy to India via Finland
How being an expat made me a better adoptive parent
Sleep issues with our adopted child and how we overcame them
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