The resources I am going to list here are contacts and ideas for when the issues strike. However, there are some ways in which you can mitigate risks when all is calm. Consciously building a support network is essential for expat families (read my tips on how here). Let’s head in.

Peer support

Whatever you are going through, I can assure you, you’re not alone. Connecting with people who are facing similar challenges is a powerful way to gain back hope and start the healing process. Finland is the land of associations. Whatever is happening in your life, there’s an association dealing with it. For example, Leijonaemot gathers parents of children with special needs or Leskiperheet gathers widowed families. The first tip I want to share is for you to dig out some keywords in Finnish and google those with the word “yhdistys” (association), and see what comes out. Even if an association doesn’t have English pages, it does not mean they cannot help you. Try contact them via email before discarding the idea.
There are several supportive Facebook groups of foreigners living in Finland. Smaller groups like Expat mothers in Helsinki/Finland tend to be more tight. If you are, like myself, involved in the adoption world, join our online community (more on its story here).
Projects like Neighbourhood Mothers or Terrible Mothers can help you feel connected to other moms living in Finland.

Mental health support

If you or a member of your family struggles with mental health, you are not an isolated case. 1 every 4 people in Finland has suffered with depression at some point in their life. Anxiety and depression disorders affect about 6% of people living in Finland. Mental healthcare services are offered by municipalities: if you or a member of your family needs therapy or professional help, the best first step is to contact your local healthcare station (terveysasema). This blog post explains very well where to seek help based on the severity of the issue. If your child needs help, seek advice from your local healthcare station. They will request an evaluation and a referral called B-lausunto from a child psychiatrist (read more here).
The nonprofit Mieli offers various services around mental health (check out their new Omamieli service). FinFami is another relevant nonprofit and they focus on supporting family members of people struggling with mental health (see their new multilingual publications here).
It can be tough to find help as a foreigner and there is nothing worse than getting doors slammed in your face when you are most vulnerable. You might find people with the “not my problem” attitude. Improving access to help for foreigners in Finland is one of my personal battles.

Family therapy and counselling

If your family is navigating difficult times (for example divorce or grief), your municipality’s family counselling (perheneuvola) can help. Counselling is free of charge. These are the contact points of Helsinki, Espoo, and Vantaa. The church community offers also free-of-charge couple or family counselling (perheasiain neuvottelukeskus, the service is offered by the church to everyone, not just parishioners, and there is nothing religious attached to it). These two services are not as effective as therapy: in my experience, they are often overbooked and book you in a meeting a month or so. If you need a more intensive intervention, you should look up a couple or family therapist. Kela covers both under its rehabilitation program, but you’ll have to find a Kela-licensed therapist that speaks the language of your choices (not trivial). Nowadays digital platforms cut geographical distances: hiring a therapist in your birth country and running remote sessions might end up being the best cost/benefit solution. Another point of contact is Familia, that offers counselling for intercultural couples.
If things escalate and there are minors in the household, social services can help: read this example story to understand their role in helping families. When I think of social services, I immediately think of drama movies with children getting snatched from their parents’ arms. However, there’s a huge spectrum of interventions in social care. These are examples of help social services can provide to your family.

Hard situations

If you or someone in the family are facing domestic abuse, you can find support resources from Naistenlinja and Nollalinja. Domestic abuse includes emotional violence as well as physical. Domestic violence includes children being aggressive or violent towards other family members: this is a topic surrounded by stigma yet cases of child-on-parent or child-on-sibling violence make for 10% of all reported violence cases in Finland. Violence is violence, period. In emergency cases, please call the police. This publication explains how to identify abuse and where to find help in Finland.
The association Monikanaiset offers assistance in several situation, especially in custody battles or domestic abuses. They also manage a shelter and they have a chat service for victims of domestic violence. Helsingin ensikoti provides residence for pregnant women and mothers with children if they are facing housing crises; their communities have a therapeutic approach and help new families navigate difficult circumstances.
Custody battles are a common hard challenge faced by many families. Monikanaiset offers support in those situations as well. If your child was abducted by your ex-partner or if you suspect she is at risk to be abducted, find more information and support from Abducted Children NGO.

Hotlines and anonymous support

I am including here some anonymous and confidential hotlines you might call to get help. Mind you, many of these reply in Finnish, but given how many Finns speak fluent English, you can try and take the chance to call in anyway.
ADHD league advice line. tel: 040 541 7696, Mon-Thu 9-12.
Advice on children’s sleep. tel: 040 587 4608, Thu 9-12.
Advice and support on breastfeeding. tel.  09 4241 5300, Tue 21-22, Thu 20:30-21:30, Fri 13-14.
Peer support for parents of children with special needs. tel. 045 869 8335, Wed 10-14 or place a call-back request.
Mental health hotline (in several languages).
PPD and baby blues peer support. tel. 040 746 7424, check the updated schedule here.
Chat and hotline to support parents by MLL. tel. 0800 92277 (free toll), Mon-Tue 10-13 and 17-20, Wed 10-13, Thu 14-20.
Divorce and child custody advice hotline. tel. 020 774 9800. Mon-Thu 10-16, Wed 10-19.
Substance abuse hotline. tel. 0800 900 45 (toll free), available 24/7.
Family crisis hotlines, tel. 09 8164 2439 (Western Uusimaa, incl. Espoo) / tel. 09 310 44222 (Helsinki) / tel. 09 8392 4005 (Vantaa) / to find the number for your municipality look up “Social Emergency Services“, available 24/7.

Featured image created by Catherine Cordasco.

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I was cursed to get a picture of what was coming days ahead from reading Italian newspapers as well as social media. There I had a taste of the raw experience of the epidemics, as well as read several experts’ opinions. My concern grew by the day, especially while witnessing the low reactivity of the Finnish government.

I don’t think people are worrying enough, not in Finland, not in other countries where things are just starting to unfold. To the day I still hear of parents debating whether to send their kids to social activities or daycare because “they are bored” or they cannot stand having them at home. [1] Unfortunately the initial global communications sounded as “it’s barely a flu” and shortly later “only the elderly or patients with health conditions are affected”. Most people – including myself – recorded those information and then refused to refresh them.

The main thing you need to understand about coronavirus is that it is a novel sickness: nothing is sure and information change all the time. You need to stay updated.

China, Italy, and France have released data suggesting that young people often require intensive care. In addition, coronavirus is damn fast in spreading, because of a relatively long incubation period and many people not showing symptoms. You might easily catch it, not even realise you are sick, and infect many on your path. Data was released suggesting worrying figures on young children. Children are, indeed, less affected. However, 5.9% experience severe or critical illness that require hospitalisation. In particular, small children (babies and preschoolers) were the most vulnerable:

Another extremely concerning data that emerged only recently is the mortality rate. The initial comment was “only old people risk dying”. The thing is, younger people fighting between life and death last longer. They stay attached to a ventilator for weeks and while they do, they are not recorded as fatalities. In 2 weeks time from now, we might have a completely different picture of the mortality rate and its distribution by age. It will be too late then.

Without any restriction, we would easily find ourselves with thousands of people needing hospitalisation, yet resources – for example beds or ventilators – would be limited. The healthcare system doesn’t serve only coronavirus patients. On top of a pandemic, all activities must continue. Treating victims of accidents, cancer patients, performing operations, treating the sick, the list goes on. In Italy, doctors are forced to choose who dies and who lives.

The Finnish government has placed a bet on individual responsibility by not closing daycares. I beg you, if you can keep the kids home, do it. Every person counts, every missed social event counts. It’s all about minimising the likelihood of contagion and slowing the spread (here’s a simulation showing how social isolation helps). This will be a hard time for everyone and we need to shift into the mentality of making sacrifices.

I promise I will produce cheerful posts such as “10 crafts to keep you child busy during a pandemic” or “how not to murder your kids on day 15 of a quarantine” but right now I want to convey clearly how bad things can get. While my family wasn’t directly hit (yet), friends of friends are dying. It hits close. Few days ago, Bergamo, Italy, recorded that every 30 minutes someone was buried. Families have been decimated, including young parents dying.

“People are dying like dogs – nameless, a number among many” – says Roberta, her father died “My father wasn’t old and he wasn’t ill before”. She says the only noise she hears all day long is ambulance sirens. She leaves 10 or so messages of condolences daily on Facebook walls.

In Italy, people are forbidden from leaving home. In some areas, grocery shopping means queuing for hours because the store lets in only few people at a time. The police is enforcing the quarantine. Things can get much worse if we don’t wake up soon. Your individual choices now matter the most.

Now it’s really the time to look out for each other and be aware of how our choices affect our community. We’ll get through this. Stay healthy, #stayathome.

[1] Edited out. As a fellow mom kindly flagged, this phrasing sounded judgemental. We are all stressed and scared (awful combination!) and the last thing I want to do is to add conflict or pressure. I apologise for the bad choice of words. We are all doing the best we can, let’s keep on lifting each other <3.

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Nordic Nannies is a service provider connecting families and carers. Mareena herself has worked as a nanny for roughly 20 years across seven countries. She is very aware of what skills candidates should have, what needs families have, as well as what it means to be an immigrant.

“I know a lot about moving from Finland, applying for jobs abroad in the nanny industry, how to enter a new family and make a life there, working and living abroad in a new country and a new culture”, she says. Many international families in Finland lack family support and several look for childcare solutions, even temporarily.

Mareena can match families with different profiles. There’s the well-known au-pairs, young people seeking for a low-cost cultural experience in exchange for some help with childcare and house chores. Such arrangements usually last 6 months top. Similarly, elderly companions can assist older people with daily life for up to a year. If a family is looking for longer placements, Mareena can match them professional nannies. One interesting profile is the one of governess or gouverneur, that is a private teacher. Home-schooling is legal in Finland – although extremely rare – and some families moving from abroad might benefit from temporarily home-schooling their children. For example, hiring a Finnish private teacher could help school-age children transition more easily in a new language and education system. Some families move to Finland in the middle of the school year or miss to get one of the few places at the international schools, and a private teacher could help bridge the school year.

Mareena started Nordic Nannies primarily to offer young Finns a chance to work abroad. In time, the business evolved and now she is capable of matching families, living both in Finland and abroad, with carers with various backgrounds, language skills, and countries of origin.

“Having worked myself here in Finland I know the system, for example how families can apply to Kela grants helping with the costs of childcare.”

This is particularly relevant for expat families, who might struggle finding out what benefits and rules are. There are several benefits that make hiring domestic help cheaper or provide tax cuts. Mareena is happy to assist families with questions regarding taxes and labour in Finland. Thinking of expats in Finland, I asked if she would be willing to find carers speaking the family’s minority language. She replied: “I have capabilities of finding candidates in other countries, in addition to Finns. I have networks and I am collaborating with other agencies. It’s definitely possible. I have many contacts among British nannies, but also some in Asia. Obviously with candidates from countries outside the EU can be issues with visas and it might take time. In the past I have also hired foreign candidates that were already in Finland. I am not lacking candidates like that”. Moreover, if a child has special needs, she has also capability of finding a nanny with training or previous experience with the condition.

Mareena works as a consultant and a recruiter. She requests an initial fee and a one-time contribution for a successful placement. If you will mention The Elephant Mum when you register, you’ll get a 10% off the placement fee (offer valid until 30.6.2020).

The best satisfaction of her job? “The most rewarding thing is when the family contacts me after few weeks and they are happy, everything is going well, they say it’s so easy, they come home from work and everything is taken care of… when it works for both parties, the nanny is happy and treated well”.

Featured picture by Dorothe Wouters on Unsplash.

The post Need a Hand with Childcare? Nordic Nannies is Here to Help appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Part of the issue is that families do not engage in physical activities enough. By this I do not mean solely sports, but more broadly to be active and engage in play and activities than keep your body on the move. Luckily, public organisations like City of Helsinki are trying to change this. Today City of Helsinki launched a campaign called #HelsinkiLiikkuu (=Helsinki moves) in February 2020. According to their surveys, 80% of families do not move together daily. One of the initiatives is to improve visibility of physical activities available in the area. I like to call myself a converted lazy. I was empress of couch potatoes, but my intention to educate my children set me to change my habits for the better. Surprise, surprise, my own health and mood benefited greatly, and our family bond grew stronger.

Not everyone is aware that there is plenty of free or cheap sport activities for the whole family available in the capital area. Here are some ideas for your children to have fun on the move.

#1. Go on a hike

Hiking is one of our favorite family activities since ever. It fits all ages and never gets dull. We are blessed to live in a country where nature is always at reach. Beside casual walks, there are several nature trails in Helsinki (and Espoo, Vantaa) with different lengths, sceneries, and difficulty levels. Some have public grills or campfire pits for you to grill a couple of sausages. If you want to have a preview of some hikes, our recommendations near Helsinki are Oittaa, Hannusmetsä, and Klassarinkierros.

#2. Swim boredom away

Swimming is a cheap hobby in the capital area. Children under 7 enter for free or for around 3 euros. Adults’ entrance fee is usually around 5 euros. There are several swimming halls available, and most have spaces and facilities for children. Moreover, City of Helsinki organises cheap swimming courses for children.

#3. Play sports together

City of Helsinki offers several opportunities for children or the whole family to engage in sports. From exercise sessions for toddlers to family ball games, there’s plenty to do for free or a low fee. Several activities are available also through Easy Sport. The Adult Education Institute routinely offers cheap sport classes for the whole family – why not trying Afro Dance with your little ones?

#4. Explore city playgrounds

I realise how many playgrounds there are in Finland whenever I go on holiday and finding one involves Google Maps and long walks. Playgrounds are sprinkled all over Helsinki and its surrounding area. They are a safe and simple place for children to let some steam off, climb, and socialise. A special mention goes to the three Angry Birds playgrounds in Espoo. When bad weather hits, you can visit family houses: indoors free-of-charge facilities where small ones can play with toys and other children, while parents enjoy coffee and conversation.

#5. Visit a museum

Not all museums and cultural sites are children-friendly, but many are in Finland. Don’t look indoors only! There are outdoors options like Suomenlinna, Seurasaari or the Botanical Garden to spend a day out and learn something new. Helsinki City Museum is free and entirely child-centered (it’s our favorite place to lose a hour when we visit the city center); Kiasma regularly organises workshops for children; the Natural History Museum and the Korkeasaari Zoo are other popular choices.
Culture in Finland is affordable. You can invest in a Museum Card, which gives you access year round to most sites. Alternatively, many museums regularly allow visitors in for free.

#6. Ski among trees

Cross-country skiing is an exciting activity to try with kids. Children as young as 4 can learn and younger kids might be towed on a sledge. Paloheinä is a popular winter center in Helsinki and if you don’t own skiis, you can rent them. If you are like myself when I moved here and know nothing of winter sports, you’ll be pleased to learn that Paloheinä has courses for small children with or without an adult to introduce you to this new hobby.

#7. Treasure hunt with geocaching

Geocaching is a world-known free hobby and I’m pleased to announce it’s popular in Finland too. Treasure hunting provides a perfect excuse to drag kids of all ages out and about. Frankly, it’s fantastic for adults too! We’ve been recently sucked into it, it fits all ages and provides motivation and rewards to go on long walks.

#8. Climb on your bikes

You don’t have to wait for summer to hop on your bike. As long as there is no ice, cycling is rewarding. Don’t underestimate small children: last summer my 4 and 6 year olds would bike 8 km. Helsinki has over 1200 km of bicycle paths, all over town and through forests. There are several recommended bicycle routes for you to try. Or you can build your own with the help of the Journey Planner.

#9. Dust off your ice-skates

Now that you live here, you need to make your peace with winter sports because even if you hide, they’ll find you. You probably have come across the ice-skating ring near the main railway station. As you can see, it’s quite cheap. There are several outdoor skating rings across Helsinki, free-of-charge and open to the public. Oulunkylä hosts an indoor skating ring.

#10. Care for nature

Helsinki offers residents chances to have an active role in caring for its nature. The initiative “Good Things Grow in Helsinki” calls for volunteers to shape the green areas and clean parks. It’s an hands-on educational opportunity for the whole family.
Another option is to rent a garden allotment for your family to grow vegetables. The open farm Haltiala allows visitors to pick flowers and peapods for free. And of course you’re free to pick berries, wild herbs and mushrooms in forests any time.

There is plenty of opportunities for your family to spend quality time together without hurting the wallet. To learn more about the campaign, like the Facebook page, follow the Instagram or Twitter feed, and keep an eye on the webpage. Join me and post on social media how you keep your family on the move with the hashtag #HelsinkiLiikkuu.

Featured image by The Slow Photography.

The post 10 Low-Cost Activities in Helsinki to Keep Your Family Healthy #HelsinkiLiikkuu appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

It’s clear that the responsibility to create the conditions for girls to thrive starts at home and within the family. Challenging gender stereotypes is hard work and my husband and I regularly revisit and debate what we do and say. However, the alternative is unacceptable. I demand the same opportunities for my children regardless of who they are.

I thought it would be interesting to share how we apply concretely these good principles in our day-to-day life. Today I will start with this concept:

children are not there to entertain or please adults.

What has this to do with gender equality, you say. One of women’s obstacles to reach equality is themselves. Women grow up to believe their function and purpose is to serve others. We slip easily in the role of carer for children or the elderly, we struggle to practice self-care because at some level we feel we do not deserve it, and there’s a shared feeling that if we do not procreate – by choice or nature – we are not worthy as women.

There’s nothing wrong with the act of serving, as long as you’re given the choice. As long as it doesn’t become who you are without your consent. Being able to create life is a privilege and a superpower, as long as society doesn’t decide it is the sole purpose of your existence. Even the popular pro-feminism advocacy slogan “think of your daughters/sisters/mothers” is a way to limit women and their worthiness of rights or equality to the role they play for others. When women start questioning the things they do or say or be or are asked to do with this lens, the result is always shocking.

While this phenomenon is more prevalent and overwhelming for women, men are not immune to gender stereotypes either. Boys and men are expected to be strong, invulnerable, immune from feelings, virile, and provide for their family.

I do not want gender stereotypes to become an invisible prison for my kids. How do I apply the concepts mentioned above concretely? Here are some tips.

• I respect a bad mood. Sometime when I pick R up from school, she’s in a mood. She might be grumpy and grunt she doesn’t want to talk. My natural reaction (what my parents used to do with me) would be to complain or ask her to be more nice even if she hasn’t been properly impolite. But I catch myself and I react by validating her feelings. “Don’t worry, let’s walk in silence, it’s okay to feel grumpy or tired”. I do not demand that she’s good company or smiling all the time. Girls can be mad. Girls can be grumpy. [food for thought: funny how it’s socially acceptable for girls to be sad, but not mad]
• I defend their personal space. You know when strangers want to touch a small child or relatives demand a kiss before leaving? Not on my watch. I defend my children’s right of controlling their body and personal space. If someone takes offence, it’s their problem. My children are not there to please anyone. Taking control of affection gestures is also an opportunity to teach what consent means. There’s nothing bad asking a child for a kiss, but we have to respect their refusal. I confess this is the most difficult one for me, because I love to play and tickle or kiss them. My husband routinely lectures me on boundaries :P.
• Your body, your choice. Since tender age we have left our children freedom on how they dress, style or have their hair cut. After making sure they are dressed properly for the weather, we leave them the final word on what they wear or on what hairstyle they prefer.
• “This is not what a good girl/boy does” is a sentence you’ll never hear me say. Ban it.
• Growing awareness. Whenever I spot situations or examples of children or women expected to be pleasant for others’ enjoyment, I highlight them. I want my children to grow to identify these situations and know there is an alternative to people’s expectations.

I want my children to grow and feel empowered. I want them to be proud of every aspect of their identity and not burdened by any. These are some of the concrete ways I pursue this. In the future, I will share more.

Do you fight gender roles in your home and how? Any tips? Share them down in the comments.

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Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

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Yesterday we explored a new nature trail nearby, the Klassarinkierros in Nuuksio National Park. We loaded the car full of people – us, the three kids (ages 4, 6 ,12), and my in-laws currently visiting – and travelled towards the park. Klassarinkierros is a 4 km trail going on a circle. At the very start there’s a small parking area called Valklampi, but yesterday we were surprised to see that that and the long road were packed with cars – many people had our very same plan! To reach the trail you need a car, as no bus reaches this deep in. Its location within the park and more information can be found here.

The trail was fairly easy, except for a short section where we had to climb smooth rocks covered by a layer of ice. The small children were confident and fast. The path was marked very clearly (not all are!) so they could lead the group. U’s phone battery ran out right away so she was forced to enjoy nature, thank you Universe :D.

I’m not a fan of swamps and open spaces, so I appreciated that the path went deep into the forest. For a good part we walked near a stream and the pond Kurjolampi. I like when we walk near water – although I was running a betting pool on E falling into – he didn’t, shockingly.

We were lucky enough to spot a beautifully painted sunset sky. It was a relaxing and wonderful walk, and we’d love to do it again in the summer. Maybe we will lit a firecamp in the firepit available on the path and roast a couple of sausages.

If you are a fan of family hikes, check out these posts:
Our walk at Repovesi National Park (Kouvola)
Walking the Hannusmetsä Nature Trail (Espoo)
The Nature Trail at Oittaa (Espoo)

The post Walking the Klassarinkierros Trail with Children appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Studying maths

My life was rocked at 16 when my high school maths teacher entered the classroom for the first time. I had always been gifted with maths and logic, but that day I knew I wanted to become a mathematician. A couple of years later, when it was time to choose my major, I ignored all advice and followed what I felt was right. My parents, teachers, classmates told me mathematics would never put food on my table. Nowadays I am a project manager, yet I never regretted that decision. I have spent almost a decade studying a subject I deeply loved and that’s something.
(for the record, maths paid the bills for 5 years ).

Moving abroad

Nine years ago, at age 24, I left my family, friends, and boyfriend behind and moved to Finland on my own. I didn’t know one thing about Finland, for real. I couldn’t name any Finnish brand or had any idea how life would look like. I did it to escape my childhood home and to pursue my studies. It was scary as hell, yet it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.

Reporting sexual harassment at work

It took me a long while to see what was going on, but I don’t blame myself. This is how predators act, turning on the temperature slowly without you realising it’s gotten to boiling point. My reality check was when a fellow colleague was physically assaulted. When I reported him, I was dead sure I would be fired and everything would be shushed. He was powerful. I did it because I realised this was bigger than me. In the end the workplace rewarded my bravery.

Loving fiercely my children

I wanted to title this section “adopt”, but it would be misleading. We opened our home and hearts to children who needed both. While I hate when strangers compliment me on it (they have no clue and these matters are very complex to say smart things about them), in my heart I am proud because I know it’s been a long and tough journey, one that required – still does – plenty of faith and patience. The hard part wasn’t the decision nor the bureaucracy, it’s slowly building relationships that often gives back little to nothing.

Accepting the relationship with my parents

Realising that the relationship with my parents would never be what I wanted and needed it to be was tough. When it comes to strained relationships with close family, we all want to retain a grain of hope that the situation can be recovered. After years of attempts, fights, compromises, talks, I finally got to a point where I understood this would never happen and somehow made peace with it. This was deeply saddening to do in the moment, but turned out to be liberating in the long run.

Following my dream

Last year I realised what sector I really wanted to work in. I didn’t have the right qualifications and I would leave behind better paying roles. It wasn’t an easy search and in the end I have been more lucky than I deserved landing the perfect position for my skills and ambitions… but leaving my previous job and turning down better paying offers required plenty of courage!

Opening my heart to someone

Loving my kids required courage, but also opening up to my husband did. Letting him in and showing my less-attractive traits, my deepest fears, and my vulnerabilities has probably been the bravest thing I have done in my entire life. We all long to be seen, yet exposing our vulnerabilities can be terrifying. Rejection is totalising when someone has really known you and still choses to have you out of his life. Keeping a little distance is a way to preserve yourself. Revealing your deepest fears to someone it’s like handing them the ultimate weapon that can kill you and hoping they won’t use it. Ever. Even if the relationship and context will change. Researcher and speaker Brenè Brown reveals how this rite of passage is unavoidable to live a wholehearted life. There can be a huge reward if you dare to step in there.

Developing self-compassion

Unfortunately my family not only failed to provide me with the great tool self-compassion is, but left me with a well engrained self-loathing machinery within. For years I have run towards unreachable goals, little enjoyed rewards, and focused on my failures. Developing self-compassion (which turned to be essential to develop compassion for others!) required me to disassemble everything I was, every little natural pattern, every pathway of my mind, and rebuild completely. Having to keep my awareness active on every small decision and live out of my comfort zone for so long was exhausting and a thousand times I got this close to giving up. But I didn’t.

Facing depression

Depression has walked with me since puberty. Some episodes were easier than others. Sometime I got myself out of it, sometime I couldn’t do it without a hand. How many times I thought that was the last time. After this I will be forever healed. I don’t know if I will never suffer from it again, I can’t tell. What I know is that I have pulled myself out of it over and over. And that takes strength and courage. If you have had depression, you very well know how you have little of both when you’re prey of it. For a long time I have tortured myself for falling depressed multiple times, but recently I have decided to switch my perspective and celebrate that I have instead overcome it several times and come out stronger.

Sticking to my values

I have made a great load of mistakes in my life, but I am proud to say that I have always sticked to my core values. In general, I have never been someone who takes the easy road. I can think of hundreds of times when I have definitely not chose convenient over fair. While it’s mostly felt natural – even though hardly easy – I know now it’s something few people are capable of doing. Standing up for what’s right always requires courage and I am proud I have had it in small and big decisions until now.

Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Featured image by SnapwireSnaps from Pixaba.

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Society wires women to have a negative relationship with their body. Since girlhood we dwell in shame. Our body becomes the target of unwanted attentions as soon as we enter puberty and society’s expectation is that it’s our sole responsibility to preserve or defend it. We are taught that our period is something disgusting that should be hidden, a curse; even tampons commercials use the message of setting us free from our cycle. We are expected to look perfect according to standards we didn’t establish, no matter the cost for our well-being: from high heels to make up, from anti-ageing products to even surgery.

In other words, we are taught our body isn’t ours to enjoy. We are taught our body is meant to serve and please others regardless of what we want. We are taught that it is a liability and our vulnerability.

Personally, all this baggage piled up over the years contributed to my intolerance towards my body and its natural functions. My body was never enough – enough slim, enough curvy, enough beautiful, enough sexy – until it suddenly was too much – too exposed, too provocative. How could I feel good inside my skin? Then my children came and they needed it. They used it and frankly, they were the only ones who had a good reason and a right to do so. But I was done. I desperately wanted to own and be in control of my body for once in my life. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty. But I have now learned that big changes always come with a storm. I can see now how motherhood – in both the shapes I have been blessed with – gave me a chance to regain control of my body for the first time.

The first sign of this transformation came when I realised I didn’t need to obsessively remove my body hair. Mind you, I was extremely self-conscious about that. If I would spot one single hair on my leg, I would choose not to wear a skirt or go to the pool. The new life situation when my daughter was born sent this madness to the bottom of the priority list. I spent the first months of her life struggling to fulfil my basic needs, definitely not at the top of my looks, and something had to give. But hey… I didn’t die! My husband didn’t find me any less attractive! And would I really skip the baby swim class because I hadn’t had the time to wax? No way. New set of priorities, first step towards body liberation.

Another speck of enlightenment came in my sexual life, another chapter that postpartum had rocked not for the better. It took me years, but at some point I decided that I had a right to my own pleasure. I deserved it. My body had gone through a lot and deserved to be treated right. My pleasure in intimacy started climbing to the top of the priority list. Not that my partner had denied me anything, it was truly my fault: I didn’t have the courage to ask. For the first time I caressed the idea, what if my pleasure becomes the rule and not the exception?

Slowly, step by step, I realised how powerful my body is. It created, grew, and carried a human being. It healed afterwards. It fed a baby. It is a source of comfort for my children, capable of soothing their deepest fears and even their physical pain. Indeed, my body is also made for serving others, but not in the way the world had led me to believe. Not as a sexual object, but as a force of creation and a source of love. Shifting into this perspective motivated me to take better care of myself. I started listening carefully, I am learning to understand my body’s language. I try to keep it healthy and strong. I have learned to respect it. Finally, I have claimed my body back.

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I am not aware of other farms allowing pumpkin picking in the capital area, but I suspect we’ll see more in the future. The above mentioned place gets more popular year after year, to the point that this year pumpkins were all picked before the end of the first day!
We were blessed with a sunny and chilly day. The kids enjoyed running in the patch to find their favourite pumpkins, green or orange, big or small.

One aspect I love of this place is all the languages you hear spoken. Clearly it’s a place appreciated by multicultural families. Autumn visits to pumpkin patches are an American tradition, probably not yet popular among native Finns.

Pumpkins are usually ripe at the end of September here in Finland, so unfortunately they do not last until Halloween – last year we tried, but they didn’t make it. So this year we set out to freeze several single portions to enjoy pumpkin throughout the cold season. We love to use it in risotto (find my recipe here), pumpkin creamy soup, and this year we plan to try home-made pumpkin ravioli! While we still have to find a use for the soft pulp (suggestions?), we love to keep the seeds and eat them as a snack. This year I learned you can toast them in the microwave.

This is how you can prepare them:

• Pick the pumpkin seeds away from the pulp and wash them;
• place them on a cloth and dry most of the water away;
• when they are damp and not wet anymore, place them in a bowl and add salt to your taste, then mix. The salt will stick to the seeds if they are damp;
• spread some seeds on a plate and place it in the microwave. I have used the maximum temperature and cooked them for about 4 minutes. Some batches took longer and I tested if they were ready by tasting.

Enjoy your salted pumpkin seeds as a fingerfood snack! See you next year at the pumpkin patch.

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