To the day, no country on the planet is close to achieve gender equality and it’s estimated that at the current rate we’ll get there in over 200 years, which means there’s no hope for the next 7 or 8 generations to witness it. Parents work hard to grant as many chances and opportunities to their kids, and sexism is a black beast we simply cannot ignore. Several studies have shown how girls have lower self-confidence in their intellectual capacity than boys already by age six. Age six means they don’t even make it to school!

It’s clear that the responsibility to create the conditions for girls to thrive starts at home and within the family. Challenging gender stereotypes is hard work and my husband and I regularly revisit and debate what we do and say. However, the alternative is unacceptable. I demand the same opportunities for my children regardless of who they are.

I thought it would be interesting to share how we apply concretely these good principles in our day-to-day life. Today I will start with this concept:

children are not there to entertain or please adults.

What has this to do with gender equality, you say. One of women’s obstacles to reach equality is themselves. Women grow up to believe their function and purpose is to serve others. We slip easily in the role of carer for children or the elderly, we struggle to practice self-care because at some level we feel we do not deserve it, and there’s a shared feeling that if we do not procreate – by choice or nature – we are not worthy as women.

There’s nothing wrong with the act of serving, as long as you’re given the choice. As long as it doesn’t become who you are without your consent. Being able to create life is a privilege and a superpower, as long as society doesn’t decide it is the sole purpose of your existence. Even the popular pro-feminism advocacy slogan “think of your daughters/sisters/mothers” is a way to limit women and their worthiness of rights or equality to the role they play for others. When women start questioning the things they do or say or be or are asked to do with this lens, the result is always shocking.

While this phenomenon is more prevalent and overwhelming for women, men are not immune to gender stereotypes either. Boys and men are expected to be strong, invulnerable, immune from feelings, virile, and provide for their family.

I do not want gender stereotypes to become an invisible prison for my kids. How do I apply the concepts mentioned above concretely? Here are some tips.

• I respect a bad mood. Sometime when I pick R up from school, she’s in a mood. She might be grumpy and grunt she doesn’t want to talk. My natural reaction (what my parents used to do with me) would be to complain or ask her to be more nice even if she hasn’t been properly impolite. But I catch myself and I react by validating her feelings. “Don’t worry, let’s walk in silence, it’s okay to feel grumpy or tired”. I do not demand that she’s good company or smiling all the time. Girls can be mad. Girls can be grumpy. [food for thought: funny how it’s socially acceptable for girls to be sad, but not mad]
• I defend their personal space. You know when strangers want to touch a small child or relatives demand a kiss before leaving? Not on my watch. I defend my children’s right of controlling their body and personal space. If someone takes offence, it’s their problem. My children are not there to please anyone. Taking control of affection gestures is also an opportunity to teach what consent means. There’s nothing bad asking a child for a kiss, but we have to respect their refusal. I confess this is the most difficult one for me, because I love to play and tickle or kiss them. My husband routinely lectures me on boundaries :P.
• Your body, your choice. Since tender age we have left our children freedom on how they dress, style or have their hair cut. After making sure they are dressed properly for the weather, we leave them the final word on what they wear or on what hairstyle they prefer.
• “This is not what a good girl/boy does” is a sentence you’ll never hear me say. Ban it.
• Growing awareness. Whenever I spot situations or examples of children or women expected to be pleasant for others’ enjoyment, I highlight them. I want my children to grow to identify these situations and know there is an alternative to people’s expectations.

I want my children to grow and feel empowered. I want them to be proud of every aspect of their identity and not burdened by any. These are some of the concrete ways I pursue this. In the future, I will share more.

Do you fight gender roles in your home and how? Any tips? Share them down in the comments.