Here in Finland, children speaking a secondary language can access free afternoon classes to learn it (one hour a week I believe). However, these classes are organised far from where we live and I heard many parents complaining of their low quality. Part of the issue is that the school groups together children with different language levels. This arrangement didn’t sound effective and worthwhile to me, so I have decided to go solo, at least for now. Since I know that many families around the world struggle with the same challenges, I am sharing what worked for us.

Set goals

It is important to set overall language goals for your children as well as progressive targets. Personally this year I wanted for R to learn to read fluently as well as assimilate few grammar rules. What level of fluency and skill do you want your child to reach? What can you feasibly achieve in few months? Write down a timeline. We used a book with linear structure and chapters, so I leveraged that to set a roadmap for the year. I then complemented the plan with self-made exercise sheets and other books.

Stick to a schedule

Don’t be casual about carving time for this. Schedule a regular time on the calendar and stick to it as much as possible. If it turns out not to be a good time (i.e. the child is too tired or other commitments often jump the line), change it but be consistent. Holidays or social distancing are opportunities to add extra lessons.
Leave some margin in your plan, because a year is a long time and the child’s motivation and commitment might fluctuate.

Motivate with small rewards

Sticker sheets are the way. R gets to apply a sticker a the end of each lesson. For this, it’s important to define what one lesson is: is it a completed chapter? A series of exercises? Is it bound by time?
Every five sticker she can access a prize and the prize size increases over time. Rewards don’t have to be expensive: small toys, candies, a comic book (you see what I’m doing there), a colouring book.

Encourage but don’t force it

Let’s face it, for the child this is extra work. Motivating and encouraging is legit, but understand where the line is. If the child identifies this as a chore, it will be hard to recover. No one likes to be forced to learn! During the year we took breaks as I saw R’s commitment teeter. We started these classes last summer and for instance she was extra tired and stressed when she started preschool. I allowed her to adapt to the new changes and it paid off.

Make it fun

It is not feasible to sit a young child school-style for a hour or so. I alternated formal exercises with videos -Youtube is full of songs and videos on Italian grammar, I found – and small learning games. Examples of games were:
the hangman game;
whenever we studied a chapter on a letter, we had to mime in turns things starting with that letter for the other to guess;
in turns we would name a letter and the other had to find something in the room starting with it as fast as possible.
This motivated R to do her exercises, as she was striving to complete to play with me.
Moreover, this can be fun for parents too! Beside the playing bit, I enjoyed creating personal exercise sheets to complement the books we used.

I hope this is useful to other multilingual families. Do you have more tips or resources to share? Please add them to the comments for my and my readers’ benefit. If this post was interesting or useful, I’d love to hear your feedback as well. Happy learning!

Recommended posts:
Book review of “Be Bilingual”.
Interview to sociologist Soile Pietikäinen on bilingualism in families: part I and part II.

Risorse per genitori italiani

Dato tutto il tempo che ho speso nel ricercare e creare risorse, sono più che felice di condividerle con i miei colleghi genitori.
Un sito fa-vo-lo-so è Fantavolando. Ha una marea di risorse e schede per varie età.
I libri possono essere ordinati da Amazon.it. Quelli che abbiamo utilizzato per il primo anno sono stati:
Il mio primo sillabario di Manuela Duca
Imparo le lettere con il libro lavagna. Questo è carino per imparare la grafia perché si può cancellare e riscrivere ad infinitum.
Imparo a scrivere in stampatello maiuscolo e minuscolo. Esercizi da pre-grafia fino a brevi frasi.
Ho anche creato alcune schede di esercizi e grammatica che sono felice di condividere: scaricale da qui.
Se avete altre risorse o idee, per favore condividetele con me. E fatemi sapere se questi consigli vi sono utili, è sempre bello avere del feedback!

Featured image by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash.

The post Bilingual Kids – Our Experience Teaching a Second Language appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

The resources I am going to list here are contacts and ideas for when the issues strike. However, there are some ways in which you can mitigate risks when all is calm. Consciously building a support network is essential for expat families (read my tips on how here). Let’s head in.

Peer support

Whatever you are going through, I can assure you, you’re not alone. Connecting with people who are facing similar challenges is a powerful way to gain back hope and start the healing process. Finland is the land of associations. Whatever is happening in your life, there’s an association dealing with it. For example, Leijonaemot gathers parents of children with special needs or Leskiperheet gathers widowed families. The first tip I want to share is for you to dig out some keywords in Finnish and google those with the word “yhdistys” (association), and see what comes out. Even if an association doesn’t have English pages, it does not mean they cannot help you. Try contact them via email before discarding the idea.
There are several supportive Facebook groups of foreigners living in Finland. Smaller groups like Expat mothers in Helsinki/Finland tend to be more tight. If you are, like myself, involved in the adoption world, join our online community (more on its story here).
Projects like Neighbourhood Mothers or Terrible Mothers can help you feel connected to other moms living in Finland.

Mental health support

If you or a member of your family struggles with mental health, you are not an isolated case. 1 every 4 people in Finland has suffered with depression at some point in their life. Anxiety and depression disorders affect about 6% of people living in Finland. Mental healthcare services are offered by municipalities: if you or a member of your family needs therapy or professional help, the best first step is to contact your local healthcare station (terveysasema). This blog post explains very well where to seek help based on the severity of the issue. If your child needs help, seek advice from your local healthcare station. They will request an evaluation and a referral called B-lausunto from a child psychiatrist (read more here).
The nonprofit Mieli offers various services around mental health (check out their new Omamieli service). FinFami is another relevant nonprofit and they focus on supporting family members of people struggling with mental health (see their new multilingual publications here).
It can be tough to find help as a foreigner and there is nothing worse than getting doors slammed in your face when you are most vulnerable. You might find people with the “not my problem” attitude. Improving access to help for foreigners in Finland is one of my personal battles.

Family therapy and counselling

If your family is navigating difficult times (for example divorce or grief), your municipality’s family counselling (perheneuvola) can help. Counselling is free of charge. These are the contact points of Helsinki, Espoo, and Vantaa. The church community offers also free-of-charge couple or family counselling (perheasiain neuvottelukeskus, the service is offered by the church to everyone, not just parishioners, and there is nothing religious attached to it). These two services are not as effective as therapy: in my experience, they are often overbooked and book you in a meeting a month or so. If you need a more intensive intervention, you should look up a couple or family therapist. Kela covers both under its rehabilitation program, but you’ll have to find a Kela-licensed therapist that speaks the language of your choices (not trivial). Nowadays digital platforms cut geographical distances: hiring a therapist in your birth country and running remote sessions might end up being the best cost/benefit solution. Another point of contact is Familia, that offers counselling for intercultural couples.
If things escalate and there are minors in the household, social services can help: read this example story to understand their role in helping families. When I think of social services, I immediately think of drama movies with children getting snatched from their parents’ arms. However, there’s a huge spectrum of interventions in social care. These are examples of help social services can provide to your family.

Hard situations

If you or someone in the family are facing domestic abuse, you can find support resources from Naistenlinja and Nollalinja. Domestic abuse includes emotional violence as well as physical. Domestic violence includes children being aggressive or violent towards other family members: this is a topic surrounded by stigma yet cases of child-on-parent or child-on-sibling violence make for 10% of all reported violence cases in Finland. Violence is violence, period. In emergency cases, please call the police. This publication explains how to identify abuse and where to find help in Finland.
The association Monikanaiset offers assistance in several situation, especially in custody battles or domestic abuses. They also manage a shelter and they have a chat service for victims of domestic violence. Helsingin ensikoti provides residence for pregnant women and mothers with children if they are facing housing crises; their communities have a therapeutic approach and help new families navigate difficult circumstances.
Custody battles are a common hard challenge faced by many families. Monikanaiset offers support in those situations as well. If your child was abducted by your ex-partner or if you suspect she is at risk to be abducted, find more information and support from Abducted Children NGO.

Hotlines and anonymous support

I am including here some anonymous and confidential hotlines you might call to get help. Mind you, many of these reply in Finnish, but given how many Finns speak fluent English, you can try and take the chance to call in anyway.
ADHD league advice line. tel: 040 541 7696, Mon-Thu 9-12.
Advice on children’s sleep. tel: 040 587 4608, Thu 9-12.
Advice and support on breastfeeding. tel.  09 4241 5300, Tue 21-22, Thu 20:30-21:30, Fri 13-14.
Peer support for parents of children with special needs. tel. 045 869 8335, Wed 10-14 or place a call-back request.
Mental health hotline (in several languages).
PPD and baby blues peer support. tel. 040 746 7424, check the updated schedule here.
Chat and hotline to support parents by MLL. tel. 0800 92277 (free toll), Mon-Tue 10-13 and 17-20, Wed 10-13, Thu 14-20.
Divorce and child custody advice hotline. tel. 020 774 9800. Mon-Thu 10-16, Wed 10-19.
Substance abuse hotline. tel. 0800 900 45 (toll free), available 24/7.
Family crisis hotlines, tel. 09 8164 2439 (Western Uusimaa, incl. Espoo) / tel. 09 310 44222 (Helsinki) / tel. 09 8392 4005 (Vantaa) / to find the number for your municipality look up “Social Emergency Services“, available 24/7.

Featured image created by Catherine Cordasco.

The post Support for Families in Finland – Resources and Services appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

In our household, we have tested few arrangements before finding a routine that worked for the whole family and we are prepared to adapt again if necessary. The kids are particularly stressed, having lost their routines and social life from one day to the other. They miss their friends, they don’t know when they’ll meet grandparents again, and mom and dad are more stressed than usual. Unfortunately when children are stressed they are not on their best behaviour and that adds up to the list of triggers for us. I know. Deep breaths and loads of empathy, my friend.

Beside listing fun activities to keep the little ones active and engaged, I have rounded up some resources for you to help them face these challenges times. If this is a lot to process for us adults, imagine how massive it is for children. One day E (almost 5) confessed he was afraid the virus might jump out of nowhere and bite him. We have explained them that old people are most vulnerable and R immediately worried for her grandparents. U has been staying with us for over a month (a story for another post) but she’ll soon go back to her living facility and worries when she’ll see us again. It’s a lot to take in and we are their compass, their light in the darkness.

The World Health Organization has put together a series of tips in several languages for parents, including how to manage challenging behaviours and reduce children’s stress. They are a set of great tips gathered from top experts, I wholeheartedly recommend to check them out (and send them to friends!).

Kids are naturally curious and there’s nothing better than fighting uncertainty and anxiety with facts. Surely knowledge needs to be packaged in an age-appropriate way. I always find books a great way to convey messages to my children. Axel Scheffler, the artist who illustrated The Gruffalò, has published a free ebook to help parents explain the current crisis to their children. The book was so successful that it was quickly translated in over 17 languages (here in Italian).
If your child speaks English, you might enjoy the #CaringForEachOther initiative by Sesame Street: there is plenty of ideas and resources to support families during this crisis.
The School of Life has put together a series of free activities for children. This period can be an opportunity to explore and learn.

Mindfulness is another great tool to help children. I have been awful with my own meditation routine in the past months, but I know it works and it’s a fantastic way to stay grounded when anxiety tries to take the best of you. Luckily some kind souls have adapted mindfulness techniques for children. These are books I have read and I warmly recommend. You won’t need to read them whole, just pick some exercises and try them out:
Mindfulness for children by Uz Afzal;
Calm – mindfulness for kids by Wynne Kinder;
Yoga for kids by Susannah Hoffman (I recommend this one for kids who are more lively and physical).

Last but not least: regulate your own stress. Children have the finest sensors on their carers’ emotions. If you are travelling on negative frequencies, your kids will pick them up. Conversely, if you stay grounded, you help them do the same. Self-care is the word right now. Carve your own spaces, concede to activities that bring you joy, and pamper yourself.

These are stressful times, but challenges are always opportunities to grow. Stay safe and #stayathome.

The post #COVID19 Parenting Resources Roundup appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Keep a schedule

My husband and I are both juggling remote work. We sit down every few days and split the hours, so that we get at least few hours of full focus every day. On top of that, I determine the kids’ activity schedule the previous night. Similarly, our weekly menu is decided ahead and printed out (also helps reduce shopping trips). I plan in the quiet of the evening so that I don’t have to worry while I execute. Don’t forget to include time for your self-care during the day!

Crafts

First of all, head over to this old post where I list few easy crafts for which you won’t need special materials. Facebook is my best source of ideas (not a Pinterest mom). I warmly recommend TheDadLab group for an infinite string of inspiration. Fellow expat mom Katy shared these cool DIYs, many suitable for smaller children. Here are some ideas that I have tested or plan to:

The website Pencils and Plums offers plenty of free-to-download colouring pages and activities, check it out.

Coronavirus indoors treasure hunt

I am quite proud of this creation of mine. Some nights I hide coronavirus drawings all around the house and mark their location on a map. If the kids find them all the following day, they win a prize. I have also done a version where I write letters behind some of the drawings and the complete message gives away the location of the prize.

How to set it up:
– print the coronavirus sheet, cut the drawings
– draw a map of your house
– hide the virus drawings in various locations and mark them on a map
Pro tip: laminate at least the map so that you can use a whiteboard pen to mark the locations and use it the map more than once.
An alternative version: organise a simple treasure hunt by giving them a list (written or drawn) of objects to find and photograph to win a small prize. Can be done both indoors and outdoors.

Educational play

I am not a fan of screen time, but there are some really cool educational digital resources. Children can experiment with creating music with Chrome Music Lab (check out the music maker!).

“Lego has an app where you can download instructions to any set. If you have enough blocks you can build anything.”

Dagmar, expat mom in Finland

Fellow mom Karen reminded me about Scratch, a MIT tool to teach kids aged 8 to 16 to code. For younger children (5-7 years) head over ScratchJr.

Reading (and audiobooks)

Audible has some free titles for children in several languages. You can also look up podcasts of fairytales (one for Italian speakers) or fairytales on Youtube. If your child speaks Finnish, the app Lukulumo offers free audiobooks during the lockdown (username lukuulumokoti, password 987654321). Don’t forget our local e-library has also several reads and audiobooks available in several languages.

Keep it moving

If you are not in total lockdown, don’t miss to go for a walk every day. We have made a ritual of going outdoors at least 20 minutes after lunch. Another trick, if you have the space and your kids can be unsupervised: I give them a timer and encourage them to bike around the yard for 20 minutes to win a candy. 20 minutes of bliss for you! For Finnish-speaking children, Herotreeni offers a 3 week daily exercise programme for only 12 euros (I’ve seen a demo, superfun)! You want the same in English? No problem: MoovKids offers daily online classes (thanks Giedre for the heads-up).

“There are couple of links to the free lessons from popular gyms in Finland, I found them really useful. For example, Fressi has live streaming with agenda for the day, you can just join it, also Elixia has online courses that doesn’t require membership.

Tulasi, expat mom in Finland

Virtual social life

Children miss their friends. Schedule regular video calls for them to talk with their friends. For multilingual children, this is also a chance to preserve the languages not spoken at home. You can also teach games compatible with play through a screen, for example charades, hangman, or 20 questions.

Housework

Don’t forget small kids see chores like play. During these peculiar times, I am asking my kids to help regularly: emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, dusting… Results do not have to be perfect, but they can indeed help and these activities keep them busy (and they learn useful skills). Have them help in the kitchen as well, they’ll love it.

Household chores and engaging in as many parents household activities as possible. 

Lisa, expat mom in Finland

Several parents recommended gardening as an option. You can start some seeds also on the windowsill.

Free play

Dear parents, do not forget your own mental health and to allow kids to get bored. Boredom is the mother of creativity, after all. Let’s not go nuts to keep the kids entertained all the time. Alternate activities with free play if age allows. You are doing great!

The post Are You Not Entertained? – Ideas for Quarantined Parents #COVID appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Part of the issue is that families do not engage in physical activities enough. By this I do not mean solely sports, but more broadly to be active and engage in play and activities than keep your body on the move. Luckily, public organisations like City of Helsinki are trying to change this. Today City of Helsinki launched a campaign called #HelsinkiLiikkuu (=Helsinki moves) in February 2020. According to their surveys, 80% of families do not move together daily. One of the initiatives is to improve visibility of physical activities available in the area. I like to call myself a converted lazy. I was empress of couch potatoes, but my intention to educate my children set me to change my habits for the better. Surprise, surprise, my own health and mood benefited greatly, and our family bond grew stronger.

Not everyone is aware that there is plenty of free or cheap sport activities for the whole family available in the capital area. Here are some ideas for your children to have fun on the move.

#1. Go on a hike

Hiking is one of our favorite family activities since ever. It fits all ages and never gets dull. We are blessed to live in a country where nature is always at reach. Beside casual walks, there are several nature trails in Helsinki (and Espoo, Vantaa) with different lengths, sceneries, and difficulty levels. Some have public grills or campfire pits for you to grill a couple of sausages. If you want to have a preview of some hikes, our recommendations near Helsinki are Oittaa, Hannusmetsä, and Klassarinkierros.

#2. Swim boredom away

Swimming is a cheap hobby in the capital area. Children under 7 enter for free or for around 3 euros. Adults’ entrance fee is usually around 5 euros. There are several swimming halls available, and most have spaces and facilities for children. Moreover, City of Helsinki organises cheap swimming courses for children.

#3. Play sports together

City of Helsinki offers several opportunities for children or the whole family to engage in sports. From exercise sessions for toddlers to family ball games, there’s plenty to do for free or a low fee. Several activities are available also through Easy Sport. The Adult Education Institute routinely offers cheap sport classes for the whole family – why not trying Afro Dance with your little ones?

#4. Explore city playgrounds

I realise how many playgrounds there are in Finland whenever I go on holiday and finding one involves Google Maps and long walks. Playgrounds are sprinkled all over Helsinki and its surrounding area. They are a safe and simple place for children to let some steam off, climb, and socialise. A special mention goes to the three Angry Birds playgrounds in Espoo. When bad weather hits, you can visit family houses: indoors free-of-charge facilities where small ones can play with toys and other children, while parents enjoy coffee and conversation.

#5. Visit a museum

Not all museums and cultural sites are children-friendly, but many are in Finland. Don’t look indoors only! There are outdoors options like Suomenlinna, Seurasaari or the Botanical Garden to spend a day out and learn something new. Helsinki City Museum is free and entirely child-centered (it’s our favorite place to lose a hour when we visit the city center); Kiasma regularly organises workshops for children; the Natural History Museum and the Korkeasaari Zoo are other popular choices.
Culture in Finland is affordable. You can invest in a Museum Card, which gives you access year round to most sites. Alternatively, many museums regularly allow visitors in for free.

#6. Ski among trees

Cross-country skiing is an exciting activity to try with kids. Children as young as 4 can learn and younger kids might be towed on a sledge. Paloheinä is a popular winter center in Helsinki and if you don’t own skiis, you can rent them. If you are like myself when I moved here and know nothing of winter sports, you’ll be pleased to learn that Paloheinä has courses for small children with or without an adult to introduce you to this new hobby.

#7. Treasure hunt with geocaching

Geocaching is a world-known free hobby and I’m pleased to announce it’s popular in Finland too. Treasure hunting provides a perfect excuse to drag kids of all ages out and about. Frankly, it’s fantastic for adults too! We’ve been recently sucked into it, it fits all ages and provides motivation and rewards to go on long walks.

#8. Climb on your bikes

You don’t have to wait for summer to hop on your bike. As long as there is no ice, cycling is rewarding. Don’t underestimate small children: last summer my 4 and 6 year olds would bike 8 km. Helsinki has over 1200 km of bicycle paths, all over town and through forests. There are several recommended bicycle routes for you to try. Or you can build your own with the help of the Journey Planner.

#9. Dust off your ice-skates

Now that you live here, you need to make your peace with winter sports because even if you hide, they’ll find you. You probably have come across the ice-skating ring near the main railway station. As you can see, it’s quite cheap. There are several outdoor skating rings across Helsinki, free-of-charge and open to the public. Oulunkylä hosts an indoor skating ring.

#10. Care for nature

Helsinki offers residents chances to have an active role in caring for its nature. The initiative “Good Things Grow in Helsinki” calls for volunteers to shape the green areas and clean parks. It’s an hands-on educational opportunity for the whole family.
Another option is to rent a garden allotment for your family to grow vegetables. The open farm Haltiala allows visitors to pick flowers and peapods for free. And of course you’re free to pick berries, wild herbs and mushrooms in forests any time.

There is plenty of opportunities for your family to spend quality time together without hurting the wallet. To learn more about the campaign, like the Facebook page, follow the Instagram or Twitter feed, and keep an eye on the webpage. Join me and post on social media how you keep your family on the move with the hashtag #HelsinkiLiikkuu.

Featured image by The Slow Photography.

The post 10 Low-Cost Activities in Helsinki to Keep Your Family Healthy #HelsinkiLiikkuu appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

It’s clear that the responsibility to create the conditions for girls to thrive starts at home and within the family. Challenging gender stereotypes is hard work and my husband and I regularly revisit and debate what we do and say. However, the alternative is unacceptable. I demand the same opportunities for my children regardless of who they are.

I thought it would be interesting to share how we apply concretely these good principles in our day-to-day life. Today I will start with this concept:

children are not there to entertain or please adults.

What has this to do with gender equality, you say. One of women’s obstacles to reach equality is themselves. Women grow up to believe their function and purpose is to serve others. We slip easily in the role of carer for children or the elderly, we struggle to practice self-care because at some level we feel we do not deserve it, and there’s a shared feeling that if we do not procreate – by choice or nature – we are not worthy as women.

There’s nothing wrong with the act of serving, as long as you’re given the choice. As long as it doesn’t become who you are without your consent. Being able to create life is a privilege and a superpower, as long as society doesn’t decide it is the sole purpose of your existence. Even the popular pro-feminism advocacy slogan “think of your daughters/sisters/mothers” is a way to limit women and their worthiness of rights or equality to the role they play for others. When women start questioning the things they do or say or be or are asked to do with this lens, the result is always shocking.

While this phenomenon is more prevalent and overwhelming for women, men are not immune to gender stereotypes either. Boys and men are expected to be strong, invulnerable, immune from feelings, virile, and provide for their family.

I do not want gender stereotypes to become an invisible prison for my kids. How do I apply the concepts mentioned above concretely? Here are some tips.

• I respect a bad mood. Sometime when I pick R up from school, she’s in a mood. She might be grumpy and grunt she doesn’t want to talk. My natural reaction (what my parents used to do with me) would be to complain or ask her to be more nice even if she hasn’t been properly impolite. But I catch myself and I react by validating her feelings. “Don’t worry, let’s walk in silence, it’s okay to feel grumpy or tired”. I do not demand that she’s good company or smiling all the time. Girls can be mad. Girls can be grumpy. [food for thought: funny how it’s socially acceptable for girls to be sad, but not mad]
• I defend their personal space. You know when strangers want to touch a small child or relatives demand a kiss before leaving? Not on my watch. I defend my children’s right of controlling their body and personal space. If someone takes offence, it’s their problem. My children are not there to please anyone. Taking control of affection gestures is also an opportunity to teach what consent means. There’s nothing bad asking a child for a kiss, but we have to respect their refusal. I confess this is the most difficult one for me, because I love to play and tickle or kiss them. My husband routinely lectures me on boundaries :P.
• Your body, your choice. Since tender age we have left our children freedom on how they dress, style or have their hair cut. After making sure they are dressed properly for the weather, we leave them the final word on what they wear or on what hairstyle they prefer.
• “This is not what a good girl/boy does” is a sentence you’ll never hear me say. Ban it.
• Growing awareness. Whenever I spot situations or examples of children or women expected to be pleasant for others’ enjoyment, I highlight them. I want my children to grow to identify these situations and know there is an alternative to people’s expectations.

I want my children to grow and feel empowered. I want them to be proud of every aspect of their identity and not burdened by any. These are some of the concrete ways I pursue this. In the future, I will share more.

Do you fight gender roles in your home and how? Any tips? Share them down in the comments.

The post Raising World Changers – Episode 1 appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

The post Bored Child, Sane Parent appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

• Love your kid unconditionally.  It is important that you let your kids know that they are loved even when they fail or make bad choices.  Remember that this is the foundation of upbringing confident kids.  When they know that they are loved and accepted no matter what, they feel that they can do anything they set their mind to because they will always have your support.

• Be kind to yourself.  Everything you do is right in the eyes of a child.  Hence, you need to show your kids that you love yourself.  Be a model advocating self-love, acceptance, and positivity so that your kids will learn to emulate this healthy habit.

• Give credit where credit is due.  Kids give high regards to their caregiver’s thoughts and opinions.  Therefore, it is of utmost importance that you shower them with praises and positive feedback as this is how they measure their worth.  However, you need to be careful in giving praises. For instance, if a child lacks talent at something or if he fails, commend the effort he exerted and dwell too much on the result.  Tell him that some things need more time, effort, and practice, and that it’s okay to not do everything perfectly.  The important thing is that he has given his best shot.  Remember that confidence comes from the process of trying, failing, and trying again.

• Assign house chores.  Kids feel powerful when they are given the chance to show their capabilities.  They will feel that they are needed and that their contribution is deeply valued at home even when they are still toddlers.  You can ask small things to do.  This includes simple tasks such as setting the table or putting dirty clothes in the basket.   

• Teach the importance of doing and trying again.  Failures, pain, setbacks, and criticism are inevitable in life.  No one succeeds at everything all the time so teach your child to not dwell on mistakes and failures. Use those disappointments as a golden opportunity to teach your child to not give up.  But don’t forget to validate their feelings as this will teach your child that failures are okay but can be managed.  Discuss what your child can do to succeed next time.  When he succeeds later on, he will surely be proud of his achievement.

• Take a step back.  Confident kids are eager to try out something new without any fear or reservations.  Let your child do things on his own but watch from the sidelines.  For instance, you can show him how to make his sandwich and let him try it later on without interfering.  Make sure that you set up a safe situation where he can practice without any intervention.  Let him explore so he can discover new things and learn that he can handle various situations on his own.

• Support your child’s interest.  When you or your child discover something that he excels in, hone that talent or skill.  It might not be something that you like but it is important that you respect and encourage him to pursue it. For instance, if your son shows interest in playing the guitar, you can teach him if you know how.  Or better yet, ask him if he is wants to take classes.  But make sure to set rules so that this does not interfere with his school work. The important thing in this tip is that he sticks to what he loves so that he is more proud of his accomplishment later on when he sees through it.

•  Let your kid make age-appropriate decisions.  Doing so empowers them while helping them think of the consequences later.  For instance, you can ask them what they want to wear.  If you are not that comfortable with letting them take the reigns, you can let them choose between two options that are okay with you.  Example, you can ask him “do you want to wear this red shirt or this blue shirt”. 

Fostering positive self-esteem in kids in an early age is totally doable.  You will need to love yourself and your child unconditionally, give him praises, trust that he can do what he intends to do, and take an active interest in his passion.  Over time, your child will learn how to value himself as you do.

About the author

Elkyra Park is a first-time mom who can no longer count how many baby products she has reviewed for her sanity and her son’s sake.  She discusses about the realities of parenthood and how to gracefully cope with the struggles over at Easy Parenting Hacks.

Featured photo by Porapak Apichodilok from Pexels

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These are my tips from 9+ years living in Finland. My husband and I are both expats and we juggle a family of two toddlers and, occasionally, a preteen. Some of our kids have special needs and we are both working full-time. These years haven’t been short of challenges and we could have never pulled it out without the tips I’m about to share.

Understand that you’re not alone

My first tip is to realise that there are many parents struggling with this – pretty much every expat parent. Few lucky ones have family of their Finnish spouse to help a little, but many do not have any support at all. Even when you have relatives living in the same continent, you won’t have the short-notice daily help many local families count upon. How does this help? Well, I have found people in my same situation and in emergencies I know I can ask them help because they get it 100%. They understand how important my requests are and don’t underestimate my struggle. Similarly, I try to pay it forward and offer my support when I have slack and someone is struggling. Slowly build your tribe.

Create a Whatsapp group

Years ago I was introduced to a private Google Group gathering other Italian women living in Finland. It included some who had been living in Finland for 20 years as well as newcomers. The main rule, you were included only by invitation if you knew at least one group member IRL. This restriction made it a safe space. Later we created a Whatsapp group as spin-off. This chat group became a huge part of my everyday life. I use to ask quick questions or stir discussions, often on private matters that I don’t want to expose on a Facebook group with strangers. I also enjoy I get to speak in my native language and we often make inside jokes only Italian people get. We sometime organise dinners, support each other, and stay connected to our birth culture. Create your own group. Start with few fellow expat moms or parents you know, and slowly expand.

Build your lifestyle mindfully

We have been very intentional over the years about choosing jobs that would allow our lifestyle and work-life balance. For example being able to do remote work is essential for both of us. We also need a workplace and managers that are considerate towards our family requirements. We need flexitime. Few months ago I was enticing the possibility of working for a company in US. I soon rejected the idea, simply because I cannot afford to work with a company that has less work-life balance or no family friendly policies or incompatible timezones. I know expats struggle to build their career in Finland, but try to make sensible choices wherever you can.

Hire professionals to help

Our lifestyle is peculiar. In many periods of our life here, professional help was not a luxury, it was a necessity. We have invested time and effort in finding professionals that we could afford to better manage our household. Two examples are babysitters and cleaning services. And I found them cheap (and legal).
We hired teens in our neighbourhood for both and paid 10-15 euros/hour. We paid them (along with taxes) through the online tax service Palkka. For some time when our daughter was small, we found we needed someone to pick her up from daycare regularly, at least once a week. I surveyed her classmates’ parents and found one mom willing to help. She made few extra bucks and our girl was excited she got to go to regular playdates with a friend. It was convenient since this mom lived in the area and had to visit the daycare to pick up her son anyway. Similarly, we had months where we could not find time or energy to clean the house regularly. We hired a teen and she would come for a couple of hours every week. It wasn’t professional cleaning but it was enough to keep us out of the social services’ radar (JK).

Explore available resources

There are many hidden resources for families in Finland. It might take time, tons of internet research, and a million questions shot around, but you can find some. For example, perheneuvola offers free family counselling. Neuvola has a service for overtired parents, where a nurse babysits your baby for free while you take a long nap. There are free mental health hotlines and Kela reimburses a good amount of therapy services’ fees. Many parents of small children work reduced hours (I think employers have to concede them – check with your union). In times of crises, I have even used the free-of-charge babysitting services available in some malls (like Sello).

Ask for help

This is general advice. Expat family life is tough. It is. I know people who are in therapy solely for that. It can be alienating and lonely, full of invisible struggles that surrounding locals, sometime even your Finnish partner, simply do not get. It’s okay to ask for help from fellow expats, other parents, your partner, your work manager, a therapist, professionals. Be open about your experience and struggle. Be honest with yourself. Have self-compassion. Build solid self-care routines.

I won’t lie, a lot of my energy goes into making up for the support we don’t have here. An expat’s support network is dynamic: the friends you make may move away. Some friendships even start with an expiration date, as their plan is to stay temporarily. It’s part of the game and you need to accept it. Your family’s needs will change in time and you oughta be creative and proactive. For few months I regularly exchanged babysitting favours with a neighbour. I have a couple of Finnish moms in the neighbourhood on speed dial for emergency daycare pickups. Occasionally I have tactically scheduled playdates for both kids at the same time to have a couple of spare hours. You will learn to play the game. Sometime you’ll need to just push through or stop and reassess your prioritise. It’s hard, mama (or papa), but you’ve got it!

Do you have other tips for fellow expat parents? Please share them in the comments section!

If you liked this post, you might appreciate also:
Things you need to know as an expat parent in Finland
Moving to Finland? Gotcha.
Anxieties of an immigrant parent.

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#1. Bonding

Reading is quality time you spend with your children. It’s about cutting a quiet moment out of a busy day, sitting down, and focusing on interacting with them. For children, attention equals love. Reading together is a fantastic opportunity for connection. My son is a lively boy, yet he is always willing to sit down whenever I offer to read to him. It is a special moment we shared.

#2. Enrich language(s)

No matter if you are a monolingual or a multilingual family, reading is a phenomenal tool to expand your child’s vocabulary. Beside the “classic” illustrated books of words, I make a point of picking books that display as many different situations and contexts as possible: family, school, play, fantasy worlds, animals, and so on. Books introduce children to terms that rarely belong to spoken language. I am very proud of how rich our children’s vocabulary is, and I guarantee that most of the credit goes to all the hours we spent reading together.

#3. Cultivate culture(s)

Children can learn plenty about other cultures from reading and watching illustrations. We have built a good collection of books about India, the minority culture in our family. We regularly read about traditions, festivals, deities, stories, and more. Books can be windows into other countries or cultures.

#4. Teach values

I regularly mine libraries and online stores to find children’s reads that teach our family’s set of values, such as kindness, compassion, diversity, respect for others. I have used books to teach my children how to say no, to respect others’ boundaries, and much more. Personally we are not believers, but books can be a way to introduce the child to the family’s religion(s). I have proof that this works, because my children often comment real life’s situations referring to the stories we read.

#5. Support development milestones

Tales can be a parent’s best friend during challenging times like… potty training. I have used books to help my children give up the pacifier, toilet train, sleep better, calm fears, start daycare, start school… I mean, we ourselves often turn to self-help books to improve our lives, relationships, businesses, so why can’t it be the same for kids?

#6. Educate

I use books to introduce my children to cool subjects like robotics, space, how the human body works. Beside “curricular subjects”, stories have supported also the emotional development of my children (read my top 10 children’s books to explore feelings). Whether you teach life skills or academic knowledge, your children have a lot to gain from books.

Reading is a cornerstone of our family life and a huge superpower for parents. I hope I have convinced you to pick up reading to children as a habit. I recommend you include it in your routine. Choose a moment of the day when you can commit to do it daily, like bedtime or during morning commute. I promise, you will not go back.

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