In our household, we have tested few arrangements before finding a routine that worked for the whole family and we are prepared to adapt again if necessary. The kids are particularly stressed, having lost their routines and social life from one day to the other. They miss their friends, they don’t know when they’ll meet grandparents again, and mom and dad are more stressed than usual. Unfortunately when children are stressed they are not on their best behaviour and that adds up to the list of triggers for us. I know. Deep breaths and loads of empathy, my friend.

Beside listing fun activities to keep the little ones active and engaged, I have rounded up some resources for you to help them face these challenges times. If this is a lot to process for us adults, imagine how massive it is for children. One day E (almost 5) confessed he was afraid the virus might jump out of nowhere and bite him. We have explained them that old people are most vulnerable and R immediately worried for her grandparents. U has been staying with us for over a month (a story for another post) but she’ll soon go back to her living facility and worries when she’ll see us again. It’s a lot to take in and we are their compass, their light in the darkness.

The World Health Organization has put together a series of tips in several languages for parents, including how to manage challenging behaviours and reduce children’s stress. They are a set of great tips gathered from top experts, I wholeheartedly recommend to check them out (and send them to friends!).

Kids are naturally curious and there’s nothing better than fighting uncertainty and anxiety with facts. Surely knowledge needs to be packaged in an age-appropriate way. I always find books a great way to convey messages to my children. Axel Scheffler, the artist who illustrated The Gruffalò, has published a free ebook to help parents explain the current crisis to their children. The book was so successful that it was quickly translated in over 17 languages (here in Italian).
If your child speaks English, you might enjoy the #CaringForEachOther initiative by Sesame Street: there is plenty of ideas and resources to support families during this crisis.
The School of Life has put together a series of free activities for children. This period can be an opportunity to explore and learn.

Mindfulness is another great tool to help children. I have been awful with my own meditation routine in the past months, but I know it works and it’s a fantastic way to stay grounded when anxiety tries to take the best of you. Luckily some kind souls have adapted mindfulness techniques for children. These are books I have read and I warmly recommend. You won’t need to read them whole, just pick some exercises and try them out:
Mindfulness for children by Uz Afzal;
Calm – mindfulness for kids by Wynne Kinder;
Yoga for kids by Susannah Hoffman (I recommend this one for kids who are more lively and physical).

Last but not least: regulate your own stress. Children have the finest sensors on their carers’ emotions. If you are travelling on negative frequencies, your kids will pick them up. Conversely, if you stay grounded, you help them do the same. Self-care is the word right now. Carve your own spaces, concede to activities that bring you joy, and pamper yourself.

These are stressful times, but challenges are always opportunities to grow. Stay safe and #stayathome.

The post #COVID19 Parenting Resources Roundup appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Keep a schedule

My husband and I are both juggling remote work. We sit down every few days and split the hours, so that we get at least few hours of full focus every day. On top of that, I determine the kids’ activity schedule the previous night. Similarly, our weekly menu is decided ahead and printed out (also helps reduce shopping trips). I plan in the quiet of the evening so that I don’t have to worry while I execute. Don’t forget to include time for your self-care during the day!

Crafts

First of all, head over to this old post where I list few easy crafts for which you won’t need special materials. Facebook is my best source of ideas (not a Pinterest mom). I warmly recommend TheDadLab group for an infinite string of inspiration. Fellow expat mom Katy shared these cool DIYs, many suitable for smaller children. Here are some ideas that I have tested or plan to:

The website Pencils and Plums offers plenty of free-to-download colouring pages and activities, check it out.

Coronavirus indoors treasure hunt

I am quite proud of this creation of mine. Some nights I hide coronavirus drawings all around the house and mark their location on a map. If the kids find them all the following day, they win a prize. I have also done a version where I write letters behind some of the drawings and the complete message gives away the location of the prize.

How to set it up:
– print the coronavirus sheet, cut the drawings
– draw a map of your house
– hide the virus drawings in various locations and mark them on a map
Pro tip: laminate at least the map so that you can use a whiteboard pen to mark the locations and use it the map more than once.
An alternative version: organise a simple treasure hunt by giving them a list (written or drawn) of objects to find and photograph to win a small prize. Can be done both indoors and outdoors.

Educational play

I am not a fan of screen time, but there are some really cool educational digital resources. Children can experiment with creating music with Chrome Music Lab (check out the music maker!).

“Lego has an app where you can download instructions to any set. If you have enough blocks you can build anything.”

Dagmar, expat mom in Finland

Fellow mom Karen reminded me about Scratch, a MIT tool to teach kids aged 8 to 16 to code. For younger children (5-7 years) head over ScratchJr.

Reading (and audiobooks)

Audible has some free titles for children in several languages. You can also look up podcasts of fairytales (one for Italian speakers) or fairytales on Youtube. If your child speaks Finnish, the app Lukulumo offers free audiobooks during the lockdown (username lukuulumokoti, password 987654321). Don’t forget our local e-library has also several reads and audiobooks available in several languages.

Keep it moving

If you are not in total lockdown, don’t miss to go for a walk every day. We have made a ritual of going outdoors at least 20 minutes after lunch. Another trick, if you have the space and your kids can be unsupervised: I give them a timer and encourage them to bike around the yard for 20 minutes to win a candy. 20 minutes of bliss for you! For Finnish-speaking children, Herotreeni offers a 3 week daily exercise programme for only 12 euros (I’ve seen a demo, superfun)! You want the same in English? No problem: MoovKids offers daily online classes (thanks Giedre for the heads-up).

“There are couple of links to the free lessons from popular gyms in Finland, I found them really useful. For example, Fressi has live streaming with agenda for the day, you can just join it, also Elixia has online courses that doesn’t require membership.

Tulasi, expat mom in Finland

Virtual social life

Children miss their friends. Schedule regular video calls for them to talk with their friends. For multilingual children, this is also a chance to preserve the languages not spoken at home. You can also teach games compatible with play through a screen, for example charades, hangman, or 20 questions.

Housework

Don’t forget small kids see chores like play. During these peculiar times, I am asking my kids to help regularly: emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, dusting… Results do not have to be perfect, but they can indeed help and these activities keep them busy (and they learn useful skills). Have them help in the kitchen as well, they’ll love it.

Household chores and engaging in as many parents household activities as possible. 

Lisa, expat mom in Finland

Several parents recommended gardening as an option. You can start some seeds also on the windowsill.

Free play

Dear parents, do not forget your own mental health and to allow kids to get bored. Boredom is the mother of creativity, after all. Let’s not go nuts to keep the kids entertained all the time. Alternate activities with free play if age allows. You are doing great!

The post Are You Not Entertained? – Ideas for Quarantined Parents #COVID appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

It’s clear that the responsibility to create the conditions for girls to thrive starts at home and within the family. Challenging gender stereotypes is hard work and my husband and I regularly revisit and debate what we do and say. However, the alternative is unacceptable. I demand the same opportunities for my children regardless of who they are.

I thought it would be interesting to share how we apply concretely these good principles in our day-to-day life. Today I will start with this concept:

children are not there to entertain or please adults.

What has this to do with gender equality, you say. One of women’s obstacles to reach equality is themselves. Women grow up to believe their function and purpose is to serve others. We slip easily in the role of carer for children or the elderly, we struggle to practice self-care because at some level we feel we do not deserve it, and there’s a shared feeling that if we do not procreate – by choice or nature – we are not worthy as women.

There’s nothing wrong with the act of serving, as long as you’re given the choice. As long as it doesn’t become who you are without your consent. Being able to create life is a privilege and a superpower, as long as society doesn’t decide it is the sole purpose of your existence. Even the popular pro-feminism advocacy slogan “think of your daughters/sisters/mothers” is a way to limit women and their worthiness of rights or equality to the role they play for others. When women start questioning the things they do or say or be or are asked to do with this lens, the result is always shocking.

While this phenomenon is more prevalent and overwhelming for women, men are not immune to gender stereotypes either. Boys and men are expected to be strong, invulnerable, immune from feelings, virile, and provide for their family.

I do not want gender stereotypes to become an invisible prison for my kids. How do I apply the concepts mentioned above concretely? Here are some tips.

• I respect a bad mood. Sometime when I pick R up from school, she’s in a mood. She might be grumpy and grunt she doesn’t want to talk. My natural reaction (what my parents used to do with me) would be to complain or ask her to be more nice even if she hasn’t been properly impolite. But I catch myself and I react by validating her feelings. “Don’t worry, let’s walk in silence, it’s okay to feel grumpy or tired”. I do not demand that she’s good company or smiling all the time. Girls can be mad. Girls can be grumpy. [food for thought: funny how it’s socially acceptable for girls to be sad, but not mad]
• I defend their personal space. You know when strangers want to touch a small child or relatives demand a kiss before leaving? Not on my watch. I defend my children’s right of controlling their body and personal space. If someone takes offence, it’s their problem. My children are not there to please anyone. Taking control of affection gestures is also an opportunity to teach what consent means. There’s nothing bad asking a child for a kiss, but we have to respect their refusal. I confess this is the most difficult one for me, because I love to play and tickle or kiss them. My husband routinely lectures me on boundaries :P.
• Your body, your choice. Since tender age we have left our children freedom on how they dress, style or have their hair cut. After making sure they are dressed properly for the weather, we leave them the final word on what they wear or on what hairstyle they prefer.
• “This is not what a good girl/boy does” is a sentence you’ll never hear me say. Ban it.
• Growing awareness. Whenever I spot situations or examples of children or women expected to be pleasant for others’ enjoyment, I highlight them. I want my children to grow to identify these situations and know there is an alternative to people’s expectations.

I want my children to grow and feel empowered. I want them to be proud of every aspect of their identity and not burdened by any. These are some of the concrete ways I pursue this. In the future, I will share more.

Do you fight gender roles in your home and how? Any tips? Share them down in the comments.

The post Raising World Changers – Episode 1 appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Expectations around parents have grown tenfold since the previous generation. There’s way more research on child development, attachment, and more, and all these information are ready available on the internet. They populate our social media feed, our friends’ online and IRL conversations, and become impossible to ignore. The pressure creates a climate where everyone is forced on a guilt trip.

We end up feeling we have to stay up to date. Are we feeding our kids right? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we stimulating them intellectually? Do they spend enough time outdoors? Are we yelling too much? Are we fostering their emotional development? The list is endless. This is recipe for mental breakdown.

The answer is: balance. And factoring in your own well-being into the equation. I hate play pretend (ironic, given it was my favorite as a child) and I declared to my kids that I won’t play that. Ask daddy. I’m open to do other things, like reading, playing boardgames, go outside.. whatever. But if they want to play pretend, I’m not their gal.

Over the years I cut *regular* pockets of self-care for myself. I used to see it as time stolen from my family, but turns out it serves them in the end. First of all, it is a powerful example for my children about the importance of loving and caring for oneself. I do not want them to have my same attitude of self-flagellation. Children learn from what parents do, not what parents say. Walk the talk.

In addition, taking care of my well-being allows me to not develop any resentment and to truly enjoy and cherish the time I spend with my children.

When I say self-care I don’t mean only going to the gym or out with friends regularly. I include declaring I need half hour rest and that they need to play on their own, refusing to play a game that I hate, setting boundaries. I meet my kids’ needs 99% of my time, all my short-term and long-term life choices revolve around them… I refuse to feel guilt for the tiny portion I claim for myself.

Beside the rant on motherhood not being spelled martyrdom, there’s boredom. My generation of on-demand everything and instant gratification is terrified of it. However, boredom is a precious resource for children. It’s the space where their imagination and creativity can flourish. If you keep your children entertained at all hours, you’re doing them a disservice.

Although we do not want to surrender to it, the truth is that there’s no recipe for parenting. Having this load of information and worldwide support networks at the tip of our fingers is overwhelming but also empowering.

The post Bored Child, Sane Parent appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

• Love your kid unconditionally.  It is important that you let your kids know that they are loved even when they fail or make bad choices.  Remember that this is the foundation of upbringing confident kids.  When they know that they are loved and accepted no matter what, they feel that they can do anything they set their mind to because they will always have your support.

• Be kind to yourself.  Everything you do is right in the eyes of a child.  Hence, you need to show your kids that you love yourself.  Be a model advocating self-love, acceptance, and positivity so that your kids will learn to emulate this healthy habit.

• Give credit where credit is due.  Kids give high regards to their caregiver’s thoughts and opinions.  Therefore, it is of utmost importance that you shower them with praises and positive feedback as this is how they measure their worth.  However, you need to be careful in giving praises. For instance, if a child lacks talent at something or if he fails, commend the effort he exerted and dwell too much on the result.  Tell him that some things need more time, effort, and practice, and that it’s okay to not do everything perfectly.  The important thing is that he has given his best shot.  Remember that confidence comes from the process of trying, failing, and trying again.

• Assign house chores.  Kids feel powerful when they are given the chance to show their capabilities.  They will feel that they are needed and that their contribution is deeply valued at home even when they are still toddlers.  You can ask small things to do.  This includes simple tasks such as setting the table or putting dirty clothes in the basket.   

• Teach the importance of doing and trying again.  Failures, pain, setbacks, and criticism are inevitable in life.  No one succeeds at everything all the time so teach your child to not dwell on mistakes and failures. Use those disappointments as a golden opportunity to teach your child to not give up.  But don’t forget to validate their feelings as this will teach your child that failures are okay but can be managed.  Discuss what your child can do to succeed next time.  When he succeeds later on, he will surely be proud of his achievement.

• Take a step back.  Confident kids are eager to try out something new without any fear or reservations.  Let your child do things on his own but watch from the sidelines.  For instance, you can show him how to make his sandwich and let him try it later on without interfering.  Make sure that you set up a safe situation where he can practice without any intervention.  Let him explore so he can discover new things and learn that he can handle various situations on his own.

• Support your child’s interest.  When you or your child discover something that he excels in, hone that talent or skill.  It might not be something that you like but it is important that you respect and encourage him to pursue it. For instance, if your son shows interest in playing the guitar, you can teach him if you know how.  Or better yet, ask him if he is wants to take classes.  But make sure to set rules so that this does not interfere with his school work. The important thing in this tip is that he sticks to what he loves so that he is more proud of his accomplishment later on when he sees through it.

•  Let your kid make age-appropriate decisions.  Doing so empowers them while helping them think of the consequences later.  For instance, you can ask them what they want to wear.  If you are not that comfortable with letting them take the reigns, you can let them choose between two options that are okay with you.  Example, you can ask him “do you want to wear this red shirt or this blue shirt”. 

Fostering positive self-esteem in kids in an early age is totally doable.  You will need to love yourself and your child unconditionally, give him praises, trust that he can do what he intends to do, and take an active interest in his passion.  Over time, your child will learn how to value himself as you do.

About the author

Elkyra Park is a first-time mom who can no longer count how many baby products she has reviewed for her sanity and her son’s sake.  She discusses about the realities of parenthood and how to gracefully cope with the struggles over at Easy Parenting Hacks.

Featured photo by Porapak Apichodilok from Pexels

The post How To Foster Self-Esteem in Kids in an Early Age – guest post by Elkyra Park appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

#1. Bonding

Reading is quality time you spend with your children. It’s about cutting a quiet moment out of a busy day, sitting down, and focusing on interacting with them. For children, attention equals love. Reading together is a fantastic opportunity for connection. My son is a lively boy, yet he is always willing to sit down whenever I offer to read to him. It is a special moment we shared.

#2. Enrich language(s)

No matter if you are a monolingual or a multilingual family, reading is a phenomenal tool to expand your child’s vocabulary. Beside the “classic” illustrated books of words, I make a point of picking books that display as many different situations and contexts as possible: family, school, play, fantasy worlds, animals, and so on. Books introduce children to terms that rarely belong to spoken language. I am very proud of how rich our children’s vocabulary is, and I guarantee that most of the credit goes to all the hours we spent reading together.

#3. Cultivate culture(s)

Children can learn plenty about other cultures from reading and watching illustrations. We have built a good collection of books about India, the minority culture in our family. We regularly read about traditions, festivals, deities, stories, and more. Books can be windows into other countries or cultures.

#4. Teach values

I regularly mine libraries and online stores to find children’s reads that teach our family’s set of values, such as kindness, compassion, diversity, respect for others. I have used books to teach my children how to say no, to respect others’ boundaries, and much more. Personally we are not believers, but books can be a way to introduce the child to the family’s religion(s). I have proof that this works, because my children often comment real life’s situations referring to the stories we read.

#5. Support development milestones

Tales can be a parent’s best friend during challenging times like… potty training. I have used books to help my children give up the pacifier, toilet train, sleep better, calm fears, start daycare, start school… I mean, we ourselves often turn to self-help books to improve our lives, relationships, businesses, so why can’t it be the same for kids?

#6. Educate

I use books to introduce my children to cool subjects like robotics, space, how the human body works. Beside “curricular subjects”, stories have supported also the emotional development of my children (read my top 10 children’s books to explore feelings). Whether you teach life skills or academic knowledge, your children have a lot to gain from books.

Reading is a cornerstone of our family life and a huge superpower for parents. I hope I have convinced you to pick up reading to children as a habit. I recommend you include it in your routine. Choose a moment of the day when you can commit to do it daily, like bedtime or during morning commute. I promise, you will not go back.

The post 6 Reasons Why Reading to Children is a Parent’s Superpower appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

Dear Marco and Giuseppe,
I write you this letter because I need to tell you how important you are in my son’s and my family’s lives.
Sometime one has to sit, face a piece of paper, and let words flow. Writing a letter demands time and time allows to overcome trivialities, dig deeper, and leave behind a genuine but shallow “Thank you”. In this short piece I want to thank you as best as I can. You deserve the same attention and dedication you reserve for my sweet and complex child.
For over two years you have been part of my son’s life and you transformed it, made it better and less difficult. It was not easy to approach his issues, not to give in to mistrust, it was not easy to face his negative reputation and the intolerance surrounding him. My son and school, a neverending fight he always lost, ending with labels and disappointment. The difficult child, the violent one, disruptive, impossible to manage. You went beyond the labels to take care of the “character”, the child. That’s what this is all about, meeting the struggles and the issues of a child.
A child who lived for over five years without the love of a family, who had to take care of himself without really knowing how, who was deprived of most things every child should be entitled to. A father, a mother, a sister, a family, a future.
How could one ignore all that pain? How could one not understand it?
That restless, distraught child who cannot sit still in class, who does not learn, who lives in his own explosive dimension.
The different child, the dangerous child, a threat for school dynamics. No one dare break that toy! No one dare demand anything from the school system!
When we speak of “inclusive education”, in truth we find empty solace. The school system is not always capable of including everyone, of helping children who struggle and end up left behind. The celebrated “guidelines” [for inclusive education, ed.] and all the projects become empty policies on paper with no dimension or opportunities for development. Projects are stuck in fail, ignorance, lack of resources, incompetence or, worse, they are ill-managed. And so the difficult child gets eaten by the same system that should protect him. He slowly turns into an enemy of the system and feels like one.
As it often happens to adopted children, my son too had to endure exclusion to the point of being forced to leave his school. Too troubled to allow other children to grow and get their education. Too complex to be “solved” by teachers. He had to escape to stop feeling like a victim and like the problem at the same time. The only bull in a shop full of “china children”.
No one saw that the most fragile of all was that bull.
Years have gone by, we faced challenges before meeting you. When everything seemed lost, you appeared. The thin one and… the less thin. Men, teachers, professional, and wonderful people. Right away you have resolved to value the beautiful before facing the ugly. The ugly wasn’t hard to find.
You have decided to pick up the pieces and build back. You haven’t done it alone, you asked for his help. With the patience and the tenacity of those who know other people’s pain and commit to carry some.
You got him involved, you showed him that even the tiny pieces that have fallen far away can be found and recovered. That nothing is truly lost. You have learned to never give up and taught him the same. One step onwards and sometime two steps backwards. Sometime one backwards and three onwards. Without stopping. Like a complex and beautiful dance, a dance that goes on to the day. Every day, surrounded by the walls of a classroom that felt hostile at first, you have build a relationship based on support and protection, on trust and perspective. You have built his future.
You have achieved what Pennac describes at the end of one of his books. You have picked up that swallow that kept hitting the window glass and you have helped it fly away.
You never gave in to the comfortable evidence, you chose to believe and support its flight.
Because that child is not a bull and even if he was, he would have big wings. And you know it… you have always known.
Thank you.
Fabio.

The post A Bull In A China Shop – A Powerful Testimony Of A Father’s Love appeared first on The Elephant Mum.

The event was praised by all participants. I myself went back home with an excellent toolbox and renewed hope. Not too long ago I had an epiphany that my role as a parent when my children are overwhelmed is to help them express their feelings in a safe and contained way. Please don’t imagine me as Gandhi while my child is in the middle of a tantrum, I am not. Screams and defiance are terribly triggering for me, but defining my role allowed me to feel way more in control of the whole situation. However, I was quite at loss about what I could do concretely to help my children. Here’s what I personally brought home.

What is anger, really

Anger is a secondary emotion. The “Anger iceberg” visually shows some of the primary emotions hiding behind anger. Primary emotions are painful and make us feel vulnerable. Our innate instinct to run away from them make us shift to anger instead. This is common to all human beings, not just children. For example, someone who feels sexually rejected from their spouse may react by getting mad or becoming resentful instead. The key idea here is to try and understand what is the underlying emotion the child is not capable of showing. This may vary time to time and it’s closely connected to triggers, which I discuss later. For example: if your child shows anger – through defiance or tantrums – when you pick her from daycare, it may be that seeing you was a reminder of how she missed you during the day and how vulnerable she felt. In this field, my advice is to trust your guts. In the end, parents are always the best experts on their children. When you have a good idea of what the real issue is, you can react more appropriately. Sending a child who feels rejected to a time-out is the worst thing to do (I talk from experience!). You may wanna comfort and reassure, instead. With my children, it truly helps if I try to voice the emotion for them: “Maybe you felt rejected because I was paying little attention to you when I listened to your sister telling me about her day. I’m sorry you feel like that. I love you also when I’m not looking at you”. Imagine how frustrating must be to lack a way to properly express yourself, like when you try to speak a language you are not fluent in.

Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is just a red flag. How we express anger is the real point we are trying to fix. We need to teach our child how to express anger in a healthy and constructive way. Another point Angela made was about anger management VS therapy. My understanding is that while anger management may act as a quick fix to defuse the emotion, therapy is the only long-term working strategy. In the context of parenting, I interpreted this as having to teach or help the child to dominate the emotion in the spur of the moment, but also applying long-term strategies to allow the child to identify, cope with, and express their primary emotions and what they are rooted in. Just focusing on dealing with tantrums won’t solve the root cause. The main goal should not be to manage the single anger episode, but to help the child grow and learn how to self-regulate over time.

Identify the child’s triggers

What pushes your child’s buttons? What is that something that sets off the primary emotion and, consequently, the angry reaction? Common triggers in children can be tiredness, hunger. In adopted children they could connect to feelings, emotions, events in their past. I remember once reading about an adopted child who would throw a tantrum before every car ride, until their parents understood he associated car rides to the multiple home moves he had to endure. Every time they would board him on a car, he was terrified he was being moved to a new family. Knowing your child’s triggers can help you to prevent anger, as well as react at best. For example if your child is clearly exhausted and struggles to finish eating lunch, it may be wiser to break off the meal and put her to nap earlier. Or, in the example of the child angry when picked up from daycare, if she is hungry it may be wise to keep some snacks in the car. If the child is old enough, the parent can brainstorm and identify triggers together with her. Even if kids are small, it’s empowering to try and voice their triggers when they have calmed down: “Maybe you got mad because you were hungry“. We need to teach kids to become self-aware. A practical tool here is to print the identified triggers in a worksheet like this. With some creativity and cliparts, you can make up something more appealing yourself, the point being having the list accessible or visible somewhere.

Help the child to learn how anger feels

Anger can set in slowly or quickly. In any case, there are always announcing signs. For example my son starts changing his mind 30 times in 2 seconds and goes “yes-no-yes-no-” on everything. It’s useful for a parent to learn what the signs are, but in the long run the child should become self-aware. The body usually shows early signs of anger and we can help our children to identify those. For example ears may feel hot, or fingers may start tapping. At the risk of annoying you, remember with small children you can be the first to voice these signs: “When you get mad, your eyebrows go down like this and you start stomping your feet”. These remarks should be made when the child is calm, because she won’t be receptive during an episode. It can be useful to fill up a sheet like this one on the fridge and regularly go over it with the child. In my opinion, talking about the anger episodes during quiet moments is also a healthy way to normalise them.

Teach your child to express emotions verbally

A healthy long-term strategy is to teach your child to express their emotions verbally. Here Angela showed something that was nothing short of a revelation for me: the wheel of emotions.

She explained how children live mostly in the inner circle but growing up they should start to see the different shades of feelings, and move more and more outwards. How can you enrich your child’s emotional vocabulary? Some practical ideas:

• lead by example: voice your own emotions. I do it all the time. “Argh, I feel so frustrated this dress doesn’t fit me anymore” “I’m so excited we are going on a trip tomorrow” and so on. Children are always listening and observing their parents even when they don’t look like they are (no pressure);
• read books together: nowadays there’s an incredible selection of children’s books on feelings and emotions. I put a list together, but there’s plenty more available, in several languages;
• try and voice your child’s emotions: “I wonder if you feel tired” “Are you curious to see what’s inside this gift box?”;
• play games: for instance, mirroring each other face announcing a feeling (“Let’s make a sad face” “Now a happy face”). Once I made a deck of emotion cards and regularly had my kids guess what emotion the drawing on the card represented (ashamed, worried, surprised, …);
• create an emotion chart: Angela provided us with several examples of emotion charts. You can make your own and help the child express through figures how they feel (not during the anger episode, but maybe afterwards when she is calm). Charts can be used to identify what feeling one feels as well as how intensive it is. A similar useful concept is the anger thermometer. The chart should be age appropriate and can be created together with the child. Put it somewhere accessible.

Most importantly, you parent have to embrace the idea that feelings are a normal part of being human. Never punish a child for expressing her feelings. Just teach her the best way how.

Teach the child how she can feel better

As someone who who worked hard to pinpoint what made her really feel good only in her thirties, I cannot stress enough how enriching this learning can be for children. This is a crucial building block for self- regulation and control. The parent can guide the child to identify what helps her to defuse feelings, calm down, feel good. There’s such an empowering teaching in this approach: you may not be able to control what hurts you, but you can control how you take care of yourself. A “feeling-good kit” or “calm-down kit” can take several forms: it can be a physical box with soothing and/or sensory objects. The child doesn’t have to necessarily calm down by herself, the key is for her to learn in time to stay in control and go fetch the box; the kit can be a list of activities, like “counting to 10” or “go for a walk” or “ask for a hug from mom”. You can print a colourful list and have it accessible and teach the kid to redirect to it when necessary.

Behavior contracts

Another parenting tool presented was behavior contracts. Those are joint resolutions that a parent and a child agree on. Thinking of my own experience, I have some concerns on this approach. If you go down this road with an adopted child, you have to be alert on shame. The contract has to be a constructive and positive intervention step, not a routine opportunity to underline how the child has failed. Again, the cornerstones are helping and empowering the child.

Most importantly, regulate yourself

One key teaching was that parents have foremost to regulate themselves and be in control of their own emotions. Parents, willing or not, lead by example. If you don’t practice what you preach, your teachings are worth nothing. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, no one is. If you didn’t learn to self-regulate during your own childhood, you’ll start now. It’s never too late. If you slip away from your teachings, just apologise to the child. There’s much to learn by witnessing how parents face their own mistakes.

All the tools presented here can be applied to yourself as well! I myself made a “feel-good” list and hanged it in my bedroom. My husband and I once drew a representation of the negativity cycle we’d go when fighting and now it’s hanging on our bedroom closet. It really helps to have this sort of things written down and accessible. It’s the same principle of goal journals or to-do list: we tend to slip into our usual dynamics, good or bad. You can even make your own parenting behavior contract with yourself! In time, you will realise that you and your child are in this learning journey together.

Disclaimer: this post is not a replacement for the training, nor it is a faithful reporting. These are my own key learnings which I tried to convey as faithfully to the original source as possible.

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Next question was, how to implement gratitude in daily life? Believers have the powerful tool of prayer, but my husband and I do not follow any religion. One day, I came across this inspiring Ted Talk by author AJ Jacobs:

In particular, it strikes me when he says:

The power of our actions to change our mind is astounding. So, often we think that thought changes behaviour, but behaviour very often changes our thought.

AJ Jacobs, author and Ted Talk speaker.

We decided to give it a try. We introduced our children to a daily ritual: at every meal, we would thank each other for something or express gratitude for something we have in our lives. To my surprise, the kids welcomed the new habit with great enthusiasm, so much that in the first days they were reminding us to practice it.

A round typically goes like this:

Me: Thank you R for helping your brother to take off his jacket when we got in, thank you E for listening right away when I told you to go wash your hands. Thank you daddy for letting me sleep in this morning. I’m thankful we have a great library nearby where we can borrow so many children’s books in Italian.
R: Thank you E for being my little brother. Thank you mommy for cooking dinner, thank you daddy for going to work every day to bring home the money (yes she said that, LOL).
…

E, who is now 3 years old, didn’t understand how to thank right away. He would often say things like “Thank you R for sleeping last night”. However, children are incredibly perceptive. It took him a week of listening to our thanks and he picked up what gratitude really meant. He later came up with surprising observations that showed how much kids notice even though we believe they don’t. I believe this exercise is helping all of us notice positive actions and events in our daily life.

Our 11 year old goddaughter visited after we had established the new tradition. We explained how it worked and told we didn’t expect her to take part. She was into it big time. She was feeling down, but voicing the good things out loud forced a smile out of her.

It’s crazy how positive habits can vastly impact your day and mind. We always find something to be grateful to each other. I am so proud we are teaching our children to see all the gifts we have and how we appreciate everyone in the family. My husband and I are learning along the way with them. We were inspired by our role as parents to find creative ways to teach them gratitude. Children really offer parents a second chance at living. I’m grateful for that.

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Having being raised with the “Hand of Saruman” constantly printed on my bottom, I used to believe spanking children is a natural part of the parenting experience. Like in a reward system, if you do something nasty you get spanked as a consequence. Same as grounding. I had my first child in Finland, where corporal punishment is illegal. Like, social-services-coming-to-your-house illegal. While at first glance it felt like an overkill, it forced me to reflect on spanking, whether it’s a right or even effective education method.

The child’s feelings

I have a clear childhood memory of how humiliating being spanked felt. Being hit reminded me of how vulnerable and defenceless I was as a little child. When my mother would cry “This is the end of discussion”, I felt disappointed and angry, but when she hit me I felt humiliated. When I was forced to reflect on the matter, I decided I didn’t want my children to feel like that at my own hand.
As an adult, I am aware of how being spanked negatively affected my relationship with my parents. It alimented an anger in me I still deal with as an adult.

Lead by example

We spend years teaching our kids they should not hit their siblings or friends… and then we do it? Seriously, think about it. Why should a parent be above the law? When you spank a child, you are teaching her the following: physical strength is what determines who wins an argument; there are some (unclear) conditions under which violence is okay; you are weak and I am strong.

I often say how children are our chance to live a second chance. It’s a painful process to face your own flaws, weaknesses, even fears, to become the best version of yourself. When you have the responsibility of raising another human being, you need to lead by example. Children are master mimics: they learn language by listening to their parents speaking, they learn empathy by tirelessly interacting with them, and they learn behaviour by imitating how their parents face the world. I know, it sucks! I mean, you are finally an adult and could virtually live a life of unhealthy snacks and freedom, and instead… you are forced to become responsible. I don’t remember signing to these terms.

It does not serve anyone

There are two reasons why parents spank: as a consequence or out of mere anger. It’s not effective in either case. The child may comply out of fear, not respect of the parental authority. Let me comment as someone who was raised with this method, it will not reinforce the relationship with your child. Shaming creates silent anger, which will come out in some unpleasant form as soon as the child feels safe enough to manifest it (for instance in teenage years when they are physically stronger or more independent). Does it help your own anger? Not really. It gives a trembling sense of control, but likely comes with an extra dosage of shame for having attacked someone more vulnerable. Frustration is your daily bread as a parent, but you need to find healthier ways to deal with it.

How to break the cycle

I sometime hear “My parents spanked me and I grew up fine”. “We always did it this way” is never a sound argument, but more of a tactic to avoid discussion altogether. However you decide to raise your kids, I think it’s worth stopping for a second and reflect on your motivations and goals. Start from why would you spank your child. Would it fit well in the values you are teaching her? Is it effective?
If you have been raised with this method or are using it, and want to break the cycle, be compassionate towards yourself. People tend to automatically go into the same parenting mode as they were raised. Especially if you had decent or good parents overall, it may be hard at unconscious level to criticise their methods (even more if they are physically close and asking why you are such a weak parent that you never spank your child). Remind yourself your parenting experience has nothing to do with your childhood one. You and only you choose the parent you want to be. If you slip into the habit, make sure to apologise to your children: we are not teaching them to be perfect, we are teaching them to be good human beings.

I would love to hear your comments on this one. Is spanking acceptable where you live? Do you feel comfortable with it? What tools do you use to teach consequences to children?

(be civil in your comment, we are here to discuss, not judge)

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